The almighty — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | The almighty | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... The almighty! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. Yes, you heard that right. A messiah. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jesus Christ had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
Muhammad can't connect! The battle standard in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Abraham Lincoln stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
Back to the locker room. Jesus Christ punches his locker. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
The Buddha, this solid build, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
Jesus Christ needs oxygen! More winded than a messiah after overtime!
Abraham Lincoln, this combo guard, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Hot head exposed!
Jesus Christ buries their face! Hidden from view, the messiah can't watch!
The Buddha walks off in defeat! Even a religious founder's skills couldn't save tonight!
Muhammad's face is locked shut, zero emotion. The Buddha hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-107 (W)
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this household name, draws first blood! A buzzer-beater to start!
Jesus Christ boxes out! Making space, that's the messiah work ethic!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, comes up empty! An alley-oop off target from downtown!
Jesus Christ cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this messiah!
Muhammad directs traffic on the floor! Traffic control by a military leader with the war front!
Halftime whistle! Kyriakos Mitsotakis slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Kyriakos Mitsotakis slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Abraham Lincoln, this global icon, draws the foul in coming out of the locker room! Free throws coming!
Jesus Christ swats it away! An iron-wall defense with that messiah strength!
Abraham Lincoln's fan section holds up the stubborn soil! The farmer army is loud!
Jesus Christ with the and-one to seal it! Sealed with their bare hands authority!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis finishes what they started! Finishing the rock like finishing the public policy!
Muhammad and Kyriakos Mitsotakis carry The Buddha like a trophy across the entire court. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
98-104 (L)
Muhammad steps onto the gym! From rallying the war front to this, game time!
Muhammad rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with the battle standard intensity!
Muhammad dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the military leader's finest moment!
Muhammad, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free from downtown! Costly lapse!
Abraham Lincoln catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! An off-the-charts basketball IQ taking over!
Coach calls everyone back. Muhammad drags his feet toward the tunnel. True story: Muhammad walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
The Buddha, this absolute legend, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Abraham Lincoln, this solid build, gets stuffed trying a free throw! Denied!
Abraham Lincoln uses a triangle offense brilliantly! Strategy from cultivating the stubborn soil!
Muhammad misses from fatigue! Tired arms from rallying the war front all week!
Muhammad, this generational talent, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
90-101 (L)
Abraham Lincoln checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ shanks a scoop layup at the buzzer! That's uncharacteristic!
The Buddha throws it away! A pass worse than a religious founder tossing the game!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this smooth operator, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
The Buddha with a reverse layup! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the hardwood!
Halftime. Kyriakos Mitsotakis throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Kyriakos Mitsotakis entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis throws their hands up! Like a politician when their campaign podium breaks!
Jesus Christ with a rough pull-up jumper in transition! Hot head at the worst time!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their campaign podium acumen!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this living legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
The Buddha packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Abraham Lincoln stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jesus Christ exhales. Again. And again. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-89 (W)
Abraham Lincoln, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ pours it in! A messiah who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
This global icon Kyriakos Mitsotakis with the volleyball spike an iron-wall defense! Emphatic!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this solid build, hits the cutter perfectly! An unmatched feel for the game right on time!
Jesus Christ attacks the ball out of the trap! A gym-rat work ethic under pressure!
Both teams head to the locker room. Muhammad wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little secret: Muhammad has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Abraham Lincoln, this hall-of-fame lock, exploits the mismatch for a two-handed slam! Too easy!
Standing ovation for The Buddha! The den salutes the religious founder and their their bare hands!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis fights through the screen for the team! That politician toughness right there!
From military leader life to dominating the court, Muhammad's journey is remarkable!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis waves goodbye to the temple of basketball! See you next time, from their campaign podium to the rock!
Muhammad blows a kiss to the camera. The Buddha blows twelve. Jesus Christ blocks the lens. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-105 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis misfires again! Having the public policy-shaped night!
Jesus Christ with the lazy pass! Defense that's basically a suggestion leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like their campaign podium placement!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kyriakos Mitsotakis walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Kyriakos Mitsotakis tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Muhammad rattles in and out! The war front never teases a military leader like that!
The Buddha overloads one side! Loading up with religious founder strategy!
The Buddha dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.
The Buddha stares at the floor while Muhammad mutters something inaudible under his breath. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-104 (L)
Abraham Lincoln gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
The Buddha misfires from the right corner! Even this generational talent has off nights!
The Buddha charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
The Buddha watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!
Muhammad pulls off a deep three out of nowhere! Was that basketball or military leader magic? Unbelievable!
Halftime. Muhammad is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Muhammad tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Abraham Lincoln misses the free throw! Cultivating the stubborn soil under pressure is easier!
Jesus Christ penetrates into the right spacing! Unreal swagger and elite court awareness!
Abraham Lincoln is running on fumes! The farmer tank is completely empty!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we shapes better, like the public policy!'
Abraham Lincoln pulls his cap down over his eyes. The Buddha doesn't have a cap, and it shows. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
94-107 (L)
Abraham Lincoln locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a farmer who means business!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis dribbles it off their foot! Their campaign podium would never betray a politician like that!
Jesus Christ falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Abraham Lincoln blows past through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime! The Buddha looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Quick anecdote about The Buddha: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The politician in them is showing!
Abraham Lincoln rises up the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this household name!
Abraham Lincoln uses the hesitation dribble! Natural-born leadership creating separation!
Abraham Lincoln calls for the sub! Even a farmer's stamina with the seed dibber has limits!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a politician after their campaign podium broke!
Muhammad sits on the floor in the hallway. The Buddha sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
102-111 (L)
This undisputed superstar Muhammad comes out aggressive! Opens with an off-balance shot in transition!
The Buddha misses at right from the tip-off! A religious founder dropping the game at the worst time!
Abraham Lincoln posts up into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
A floater from Muhammad! This generational talent is putting on a show tonight!
Break! Muhammad grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Muhammad listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Muhammad gets blocked! Rejected harder than a military leader's worst day on the job!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Muhammad is cramping up! This franchise cornerstone trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Abraham Lincoln tips the cap to the winners! The farmer's grace with the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ's eyes are red, jaw tight. Muhammad apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-111 (L)
Game time! Abraham Lincoln and this global icon ready to put on a show at the gym!
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
Jesus Christ passes to nobody! This global icon with a head-scratching decision!
The Buddha gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Muhammad scores a tear drop! The battle standard by day, buckets by night!
The locker room fills up. The Buddha has already eaten three oranges. Did you know The Buddha knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Muhammad, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Abraham Lincoln, this certified GOAT candidate, with a contested tear drop that misses under the basket!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true politician!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis leans on their knees! Gassed, but the politician keeps going!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a politician!
Muhammad's eyes are red, jaw tight. The Buddha apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
101-108 (L)
The arena welcomes The Buddha! The religious founder with the game has arrived!
The Buddha misses the open look! This living legend can't believe it! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ loses the basketball! A messiah would never be this careless!
This generational talent Abraham Lincoln caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis turns the corner into a workshop. An and-one crafted with their campaign podium!
Break! Muhammad has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Muhammad tried to impress the New York Over-Timers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis shakes their head! A politician who can't believe that just happened!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
Abraham Lincoln traps with the double! Trapping them, the farmer knows how to corner prey!
Muhammad is spent! Used up like the war front after a military leader's long day!
Muhammad fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the military leader gave everything!
Jesus Christ's eyes are red, jaw tight. Abraham Lincoln apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
97-115 (L)
Jesus Christ takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
A tear drop by Muhammad off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this franchise cornerstone!
Muhammad with the backcourt violation! This certified GOAT candidate under too much pressure!
The Buddha can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
The Buddha scores in transition! Fast as a religious founder grabbing their bare hands!
Coach calls everyone back. Kyriakos Mitsotakis drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Kyriakos Mitsotakis tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Abraham Lincoln drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a farmer's spirit has limits!
A hook shot from Kyriakos Mitsotakis hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a messiah on their best day!
Abraham Lincoln can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Muhammad consoles teammates! The heart of a military leader in that moment!
Abraham Lincoln lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Muhammad decides not to comment. I learned tonight that Abraham Lincoln used to be a military leader. That explains the unique running style. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-114 (L)
The Buddha stretches center court! Loosening up, the religious founder is getting ready!
Abraham Lincoln, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Occasional mental lapses!
Abraham Lincoln with the backcourt violation! A farmer going backwards with the stubborn soil!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets posted up and scored on! This hall-of-fame lock overpowered!
Abraham Lincoln, this do-it-all player, uses strength and skill for a half-court heave! Complete player!
Into the tunnel. Muhammad grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little scoop: Muhammad collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this basketball god, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Jesus Christ can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this potential GOAT!
Abraham Lincoln runs the offense! Running it like a farmer runs the show!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a politician relieved of their campaign podium!
Muhammad gave it everything! Everything a military leader has, left on the court!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis's lip is trembling. Jesus Christ dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
98-123 (L)
Tip-off! Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets us started! Let's go!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the public policy!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis double-dribbles! Shaping the public policy doesn't have that rule!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis loses the battle in the paint! Being a politician doesn't help you here!
Abraham Lincoln drives at the top of the key with the same confidence they bring to cultivating the stubborn soil.
The players leave the court. Abraham Lincoln clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Abraham Lincoln fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Abraham Lincoln walks away muttering! Muttering about the stubborn soil under their breath!
The Buddha goes to work but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis identifies the soft spot in the zone! This global icon surgical precision!
Abraham Lincoln can't get lift! Legs heavy as the seed dibber after the four quarters!
Jesus Christ fades away to the tunnel in disappointment. This all-time great will learn from this.
Muhammad sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Kyriakos Mitsotakis puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
99-124 (L)
Muhammad, this basketball god, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
The rim rejects Abraham Lincoln! The rim says no! Even a farmer gets rejected sometimes!
The Buddha gets picked! A religious founder getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a messiah's worst day on the job!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis tallies another one! This politician keeps racking them up!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Abraham Lincoln asks for an ice pack. True story: Abraham Lincoln had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Abraham Lincoln goes to work away from the huddle! This guy with rings on every finger in a dark place mentally!
The Buddha gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the religious founder touch can't save that one!
The Buddha sets the screen at the perfect angle! This living legend cerebral play!
Muhammad finds a second wind! The military leader engine roars back to life!
Jesus Christ leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Jesus Christ avoids the cameras like the plague. Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
The almighty finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... The almighty!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. Yes, you heard that right. A messiah. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jesus Christ had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
The almighty finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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