booty eaters — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | booty eaters | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... Booty eaters! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Yoda. Standing at 66 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Obi-Wan Kenobi. The man. Is. A jedi. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A jedi. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a jedi and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
116-101 (W)
Anakin Skywalker checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Mace Windu scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Luke Skywalker with the textbook defense! Written by a jedi with their bare hands!
Anakin Skywalker with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! That dawg mentality on that one!
Anakin Skywalker rises up the ball out of the trap! An unmatched feel for the game under pressure!
Halftime whistle. Yoda has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Yoda is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Mace Windu sinks it in transition. A jedi never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
Standing ovation for Mace Windu! The gym salutes the jedi and their their bare hands!
Yoda makes the extra pass! This All-Star caliber talent hockey assist for a two-handed slam!
The emotion is real as Obi-Wan Kenobi the jedi delivers their best with their bare hands!
Yoda, this certified bucket, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!
Obi-Wan Kenobi takes a bow for the crowd. Yoda bows to Obi-Wan Kenobi. The nobility of basketball. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-93 (W)
Mace Windu wins the opening tip! Tipping off with jedi energy!
Anakin Skywalker hits on the final possession! Clutch like a jedi meeting a deadline!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this tweener, swats it into the third row! A clutch steal!
Yoda, this little thunder, drops the dime! Insane court vision passing on display!
This dude putting the league on notice Anakin Skywalker recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
That's a cut. Obi-Wan Kenobi stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Quick anecdote about Obi-Wan Kenobi: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Mace Windu rises up through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Listen to that roar! Luke Skywalker rises up and the place explodes!
Anakin Skywalker provides the spark! Electric energy, the jedi is firing on all cylinders!
Luke Skywalker, this multi-time All-Star, has been building to this all game! During crunch time!
Luke Skywalker shoots to the crowd! A fist pump toward the bench! This max-contract guy gave everything!
Yoda charges toward the crowd. Anakin Skywalker catches him just before he dives into the stands. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
124-91 (W)
This top-tier talent Yoda comes out firing! A double-clutch layup in the first minute!
Luke Skywalker rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
Anakin Skywalker leads the break! Leading the charge like a jedi who runs the show!
This jersey-selling name Obi-Wan Kenobi with a beautiful reverse layup at half court! Poetry in motion!
Yoda contests the shot! Reaching like a jedi master reaching for the game!
Well-deserved break. Luke Skywalker looks like someone who just ran a marathon. I've been told Luke Skywalker always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Obi-Wan Kenobi converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Mace Windu adds insult to injury! Salt on the game wounds from a jedi!
Yoda confused the scorers table for the game checkout! Easy mistake!
Luke Skywalker does a victory lap! Lapping the court with jedi swagger!
Luke Skywalker ends on a high note! A jedi who finishes strong every time!
Luke Skywalker gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Obi-Wan Kenobi gives his shoes. Yoda gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
120-93 (W)
This certified bucket Obi-Wan Kenobi gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Obi-Wan Kenobi scores the go-ahead! A jedi who always finishes the job on time!
Yoda anticipates the cut and deflects the Wilson! This jersey-selling name reading minds!
Obi-Wan Kenobi feeds the post! Nourishing the play with pure jedi instinct!
This world-class player Yoda attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Halftime whistle! Mace Windu slides down against the hallway wall. True story: Mace Windu walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Anakin Skywalker strings together a tear drop back to the basket. A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
Yoda tips their arm sleeve to the crowd! The jedi master gesture with their bare hands!
Anakin Skywalker, this guy with a proven track record, communicates the switch! An unmatched feel for the game and vocal leadership!
Luke Skywalker plays with the game on their mind and the basketball in their hands!
Anakin Skywalker with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, jedi style!
Mace Windu and Obi-Wan Kenobi stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
134-88 (W)
Anakin Skywalker comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the jedi means business!
Anakin Skywalker knocks down a floater back to the basket! Ice in the veins!
Obi-Wan Kenobi with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open devastating dunk!
Mace Windu hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their bare hands from the right corner!
Obi-Wan Kenobi forces the step-out-of-bounds! This guy everybody knows hawking the ball!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Luke Skywalker to massage his thighs. Exclusive info: Luke Skywalker is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Yoda blows past and fires a sky hook! This low-to-the-ground speedster lighting it up!
Obi-Wan Kenobi piles it on! Stacking buckets like it's nothing! The jedi is dominant!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this max-contract guy, waves off the screen and runs into it anyway! Classic!
Mace Windu pulls out the signature celebration! The crowd at the arena goes wild!
Luke Skywalker sits on the bench with a smile! This big-name player job well done!
Yoda and Mace Windu pretend to fish Anakin Skywalker out of the crowd. They pull hard. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
126-98 (W)
And we're underway! Anakin Skywalker touches the rock first! This league veteran looks eager!
Luke Skywalker, this pint-sized baller, posts up and delivers a step-back three! Textbook!
Luke Skywalker, this short king, covers ground to get the defensive stop! Wow!
Anakin Skywalker spots the mismatch! Eagle-eyed like a jedi inspecting the game!
Obi-Wan Kenobi uses a drive-and-kick game brilliantly! Strategy from competing the game!
That's a wrap for now. Mace Windu dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Mace Windu threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
A floater from Anakin Skywalker! This legit talent is putting on a show tonight!
Obi-Wan Kenobi gets the loudest cheer! Louder than a jedi's proudest moment!
Mace Windu does the dirty work! Hands dirty like a jedi at the end of the day!
The stadium knows it! Yoda is special! This All-Star caliber talent writing legacy!
Yoda, this guy everybody knows, soaks in the moment! Victory back to the basket! A team high-five!
Yoda does a backflip. Well, he tries. Obi-Wan Kenobi applauds the effort. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
128-92 (W)
The den welcomes Mace Windu! The jedi with the game has arrived!
Luke Skywalker hooks it in! The arc of a jedi swinging their bare hands!
Luke Skywalker threads the needle! Beautiful assist back to the basket! Unreal court vision!
What a shot from Anakin Skywalker! A jedi bringing their bare hands energy to the arena!
Anakin Skywalker takes the charge! Tough as nails, that's a jedi who doesn't back down!
Break! Luke Skywalker grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Locker room anecdote: Luke Skywalker talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
The technical flair of Obi-Wan Kenobi recalls their jedi days. A pull-up jumper! Sublime!
Yoda, this lightning-quick little man, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Yoda shoots a full-court shot and almost makes it! This max-contract guy so close!
Obi-Wan Kenobi slides across the floor! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd from the right corner! Entertainment!
Luke Skywalker daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Obi-Wan Kenobi does a handstand. Mace Windu holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
104-87 (W)
Mace Windu bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Obi-Wan Kenobi goes coast to coast for a hook shot! This bonafide star is relentless!
Yoda rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of their bare hands!
Luke Skywalker delivers in transition! Fast delivery, like a jedi with their bare hands!
Mace Windu executes a pick-and-pop attack perfectly! Precision learned as a jedi!
Break. Obi-Wan Kenobi collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Word is Obi-Wan Kenobi sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Yoda converts off the pick and roll! An alley-oop with trademark unreal swagger!
The entire arena rises for Mace Windu! A jedi lifted by their bare hands and love!
Anakin Skywalker, this established player, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
Yoda brings blue-collar their bare hands grit to the den!
Obi-Wan Kenobi reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of a jedi after a big day!
Anakin Skywalker does the robot at center court while Mace Windu pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
122-102 (W)
Anakin Skywalker, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Yoda drops a buzzer beater from the paint! Range that would impress any jedi master!
Obi-Wan Kenobi reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
Luke Skywalker, this max-contract guy, draws the double and finds the open shooter! That dawg mentality!
Luke Skywalker uses a pick-and-pop attack to get open! Open space created with their bare hands smarts!
Break time. Yoda bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote of the day: Yoda forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Luke Skywalker answers back with a pull-up jumper! A killer instinct under pressure!
Chants of 'jedi! Jedi!' fill the venue for Anakin Skywalker!
Yoda plugs the gap! Plugging holes with jedi master efficiency!
Obi-Wan Kenobi's transformation from jedi to athlete is this head-to-head battle's best story!
Mace Windu hugs the coach! This hooper's hooper with a complete performance!
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
114-106 (W)
Luke Skywalker starts in the floor general! Playing the floor general the way a jedi plays with their bare hands!
Mace Windu dribbles the orange beautifully for a catch-and-shoot triple! What touch!
Yoda slides to the passing lane and steals it! An unmatched feel for the game!
Mace Windu with the no-look pass! This well-respected player has eyes in the back of the head!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this do-it-all player, exploits the mismatch from the right corner! Smart play!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Obi-Wan Kenobi asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: Obi-Wan Kenobi got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Anakin Skywalker scores from the left corner! A devastating dunk with pure God-given talent! Brilliant!
Yoda gets a hostile crowd every time they step on the arena! The jedi master aura!
This certified bucket Yoda defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Luke Skywalker wears the jedi badge with pride and plays with their bare hands intensity!
Anakin Skywalker can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Anakin Skywalker pretends to faint from happiness. Yoda pretends to call 911. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
110-104 (W)
Mace Windu, this legit talent, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Luke Skywalker attacks back to the basket and finishes with a hook shot! Too good!
Mace Windu with the defensive rebound! Secured like only a jedi can!
Anakin Skywalker with the behind-the-back pass! Flashier than their bare hands at work!
Luke Skywalker dribbles into the right spacing! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and elite court awareness!
Halftime whistle! Yoda grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Yoda tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Obi-Wan Kenobi treats the Wilson like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a jedi!
Wild stands reaches fever pitch as Mace Windu takes the gym!
Yoda glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure jedi master instinct!
This certified bucket Obi-Wan Kenobi turns adversity into fuel! A world-class move energy!
Mace Windu wraps up an incredible performance! Wrapped up tight, the jedi delivered!
Anakin Skywalker drops to his knees and kisses the court. Yoda pretends to gag. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-117 (L)
This player making noise Mace Windu in the starting lineup! Let's see what this player making noise brings!
Anakin Skywalker, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this up-and-coming baller!
Anakin Skywalker, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Obi-Wan Kenobi bites on the pump fake! This big-name player sent flying on the low block!
This world-class player Yoda does it again! A pull-up jumper with effortless precision!
End of the first act. Anakin Skywalker is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Anakin Skywalker tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The players look fired up.
Yoda gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
This next-level player Anakin Skywalker throws up a prayer under the basket! Not answered!
Mace Windu calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's jedi mentality!
Mace Windu wipes sweat with the mouthguard! Drenched, the jedi has been putting in work!
Obi-Wan Kenobi gave it everything! Everything a jedi has, left on the court!
Luke Skywalker sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Anakin Skywalker has his head in his hands. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
117-89 (W)
This jersey-selling name Luke Skywalker catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This legit talent Anakin Skywalker is automatic in transition! A catch-and-shoot triple drops again!
Yoda stands firm! Not moving, this jedi master is planted!
Yoda drops it off underneath! Sneaky as a jedi master slipping the game into place!
Luke Skywalker makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a jedi behind the game!
Halftime. Luke Skywalker's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Luke Skywalker has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Yoda dishes and delivers a euro-step! Their bare hands by day, buckets by night!
Mace Windu high-fives courtside fans! Those jedi hands spreading the love!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this tweener, repositions on defense! Freakish explosiveness collective effort!
Tonight, Obi-Wan Kenobi isn't just a jedi, they're a phenomenon with their bare hands!
Luke Skywalker seals the win! Sealed tight, the jedi gets it done!
Obi-Wan Kenobi rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Mace Windu does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
98-121 (L)
Mace Windu fires up the crowd to open the game! This solid pro starting strong!
Anakin Skywalker misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Mace Windu with a wild pass that sails out! This next-level player giving it away!
Obi-Wan Kenobi gets posted up and scored on! This certified bucket overpowered!
A floater from Luke Skywalker! That's nerves of steel at the highest level!
Cut! Halftime. Anakin Skywalker's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Anakin Skywalker watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Yoda picks up the second technical! This certified bucket ejected! Limited stamina!
Obi-Wan Kenobi can't convert! The jedi's touch with the game deserted them!
Obi-Wan Kenobi overloads one side! Loading up with jedi strategy!
Yoda can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of competing the game!
Luke Skywalker blows past past the media. This jersey-selling name not in the mood to talk.
Yoda turns back to look at the court one last time. Mace Windu doesn't turn around. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-128 (L)
Anakin Skywalker, this dude putting the league on notice, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
Mace Windu bobbles and misses! Fumbling the basketball like it's a Monday morning!
Anakin Skywalker throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Anakin Skywalker gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Mace Windu mouths off on the decisive possession! A jedi venting about the game!
Back to the locker room. Mace Windu punches his locker. Little scoop: Mace Windu tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This max-contract guy Obi-Wan Kenobi shanks a thunderous slam at the top of the key! That's uncharacteristic!
Yoda calls for the sub! Even a jedi master's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Luke Skywalker loses the basketball! A jedi would never be this careless!
Obi-Wan Kenobi can't mask the disappointment! This bonafide star wearing it on the sleeve!
Anakin Skywalker absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a jedi knows tough days!
Luke Skywalker unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Anakin Skywalker runs a hand down his face. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
booty eaters ends the season #5 with a 12W-3L record. Season MVP: Yoda.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... Booty eaters!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Yoda. Standing at 66 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Obi-Wan Kenobi. The man. Is. A jedi. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A jedi. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a jedi and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
booty eaters ends the season #5 with a 12W-3L record. Season MVP: Yoda.
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