Christeam — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Levi Hassan · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Christeam | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Christeam! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Jesus Christ. A messiah in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Jesus Christ has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
105-112 (L)
Jesus Christ opens with a bucket! This household name making an early statement!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Limited stamina!
This basketball god Jesus Christ loses concentration and the orange with it!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
A buzzer-beater from Jesus Christ! This certified GOAT candidate just keeps delivering!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ high-fives his teammates on the way out. Confession: Jesus Christ believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates from mid-range!
Jesus Christ finds the angle! The angle messiah uses for the game!
Jesus Christ can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
Jesus Christ tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Jesus Christ takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
131-86 (W)
Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!
Jesus Christ with the teardrop hook shot! Beautiful as a messiah's finest the game!
Jesus Christ reads the defense! Studying them like it's messiah homework!
Jesus Christ banks a buzzer beater off the glass! Geometry learned from the messiah life!
Jesus Christ blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ high-fives his teammates on the way out. Exclusive: Jesus Christ was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jesus Christ launches and scores! Those messiah hands work wonders with the leather!
This global icon Jesus Christ takes a bow! A bench mob celebration! This was clinical!
Jesus Christ just compared this clash of styles to a day of competing the game! Accurate?
Jesus Christ with a salute to the fans after the big play! That's a messiah who knows how to party!
Jesus Christ blows past in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-82 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
A free throw from Jesus Christ! Another dagger! This basketball god closing the door!
Jesus Christ with the alley-oop pass! Launching the damn ball with messiah precision!
Jesus Christ hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like their bare hands placement!
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, clamps down on the star player! Silky smooth technique on the assignment!
Halftime! Jesus Christ is limping slightly heading off the court. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ capitalizes at the buzzer! A finger roll with pure God-given talent!
This living legend Jesus Christ adds another! This is a demolition job!
Jesus Christ ranked their teammates by their bare hands compatibility! Unique scouting!
Jesus Christ shimmies after a step-back three! Shaking it off, the messiah is feeling it!
Jesus Christ can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Jesus Christ gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Jesus Christ gives his shoes. Jesus Christ gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
114-95 (W)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the gymnasium! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
The technical flair of Jesus Christ recalls their messiah days. A fadeaway jumper! Sublime!
Jesus Christ smothers the ball handler! That's a messiah who doesn't let go!
Jesus Christ with the skip pass! Skipping over the defense, pure messiah vision!
Jesus Christ runs the offense! Running it like a messiah runs the show!
Halftime. Jesus Christ's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Staff confession: Jesus Christ is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Jesus Christ with the fadeaway sky hook! Smooth as their bare hands in action!
The jumbotron shows Jesus Christ's messiah highlight reel! What a career!
Jesus Christ plays their role perfectly! Role player, role messiah with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ plays with the game on their mind and the Spalding in their hands!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, high-fives the bench! A bench mob celebration! Team effort!
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ slap each other's butts. Jesus Christ declines the invitation. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
116-89 (W)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Jesus Christ with the decisive bucket! An off-the-charts basketball IQ when it matters most!
Jesus Christ with the help-side left-handed block! This franchise cornerstone always in position!
Jesus Christ orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran messiah!
Jesus Christ pins the defender! Pinning them down with messiah authority!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Jesus Christ hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a messiah lifting their bare hands!
Jesus Christ throws the mouthguard to the crowd! Better than throwing the game!
Jesus Christ holds the huddle together! That messiah leadership on full display!
Jesus Christ reminds us that greatness comes from loving what you do! The messiah knows!
Jesus Christ caps a perfect night! Clean as a messiah on their best day!
Jesus Christ does the robot at center court while Jesus Christ pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
106-92 (W)
And we're underway! Jesus Christ touches the ball first! This once-in-a-lifetime player looks eager!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, overpowers for a reverse layup! Size matters!
Jesus Christ with the defensive masterclass! A messiah teaching everyone a lesson!
Jesus Christ floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a messiah's soft touch!
Jesus Christ executes an isolation-heavy offense perfectly! Precision learned as a messiah!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses next to the vending machine. Little scoop: Jesus Christ tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ scores with eyes in the back of the head. A half-court heave back to the basket! Too smooth!
The crowd collectively holds its breath for Jesus Christ's shot! You could hear a pin drop!
Jesus Christ barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the field house!
Every time Jesus Christ touches the rock, you see the discipline of their bare hands!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, acknowledges the fans! A packed arena! A team high-five!
Jesus Christ launches his shoe into the air. Jesus Christ catches it. Standing ovation. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
119-102 (W)
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A double-clutch layup! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ drills it at the top of the key! That messiah precision with their bare hands pays off!
Jesus Christ recovers and blocks! That's the hustle of someone who works for a living!
Jesus Christ with the touch pass! Feathery as the game in a messiah's hands!
Jesus Christ goes small-ball! Adapting like a messiah who reads the room!
Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Jesus Christ slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jesus Christ applies the same technique to the damn ball as to the game. An alley-oop on the low block!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Jesus Christ gets hot!
Jesus Christ brings energy off the bench! This living legend infectious enthusiasm!
The commentators can't stop talking about Jesus Christ's messiah background and their bare hands!
Jesus Christ celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their bare hands!
Jesus Christ blows a kiss to the camera. Jesus Christ blows twelve. Jesus Christ blocks the lens. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
110-100 (W)
The gym welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, takes over facing the rim. A reverse layup! That's elite!
Jesus Christ picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, dishes to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Jesus Christ slows the pace when the team needs it! This living legend tempo control!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Jesus Christ does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ floats one in from downtown! Delicate as a messiah with their bare hands!
The building is buzzing! Jesus Christ and an incredible energy creating magic!
Jesus Christ communicates on the switch! Clear as a messiah's directions!
Jesus Christ channels their inner messiah,competing the game made these hands!
It's over! Jesus Christ delivers the goods! This absolute legend walks off a winner!
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ slap each other's butts. Jesus Christ declines the invitation. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
121-86 (W)
Jesus Christ steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Jesus Christ catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Eyes in the back of the head taking over!
Jesus Christ penetrates into the lane and kicks out! Pure God-given talent and great decision-making!
Jesus Christ converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Jesus Christ forces the step-out-of-bounds! This guy with rings on every finger hawking the ball!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: Jesus Christ whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This all-time great Jesus Christ with a vintage bank shot! The old magic is still there!
Jesus Christ piles it on! A reverse layup extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
Jesus Christ tried to expense tonight's game as the game research! Creative!
Jesus Christ drops the leather like the game and walks away! Cold-blooded messiah energy!
Jesus Christ daps up the opponent! Respect from this franchise cornerstone after the battle!
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ leap onto each other like kids. Jesus Christ comes sprinting in and crushes them both. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-103 (L)
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
This household name Jesus Christ with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jesus Christ powers through for a two-handed slam! The brute force of competing the game!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jesus Christ asks for an ice pack. Did you know? Jesus Christ launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
This generational talent Jesus Christ misses the mark! A free throw goes begging facing the rim!
Jesus Christ uses that messiah IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Jesus Christ asks for ice! Cooling down, even a messiah's engine needs a rest!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
102-112 (L)
Jesus Christ takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
A thunderous slam from Jesus Christ hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ loses the ball! A messiah would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ strings together an and-one from downtown. An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
This basketball god Jesus Christ muscles up a deep three but can't get it to fall!
Jesus Christ explodes with purpose every possession! This generational talent chess master!
Jesus Christ fades away sluggishly! Ego the size of Texas catching up with this absolute legend!
Jesus Christ leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Jesus Christ avoids the cameras like the plague. Jesus Christ gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-107 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the center! Playing the center way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Jesus Christ beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a messiah!
Jesus Christ dishes the Spalding into a fadeaway jumper! Unreal swagger shining through!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Jesus Christ drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
Jesus Christ can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a messiah always hits!
Jesus Christ exploits the soft spot in the right wing! Soft as the game under their bare hands!
Jesus Christ plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Jesus Christ's gaze is hot, angry. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
103-122 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Jesus Christ attacks but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ with turnover number buckets! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Jesus Christ left in the dust! Even a messiah moves faster than that!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ finishes with authority! A floater from the left corner!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Jesus Christ throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Jesus Christ calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's messiah mentality!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-106 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ comes out aggressive! Opens with a hook shot at half court!
Jesus Christ air-mails a sky hook from downtown! Way off for this generational talent!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Jesus Christ loses the battle in the paint! Being a messiah doesn't help you here!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ is automatic back to the basket! A euro-step drops again!
End of the first act. Jesus Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ glares at the scoreboard! This all-time great not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ forces up a hook shot over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
Jesus Christ traps with the double! Trapping them, the messiah knows how to corner prey!
Jesus Christ looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a messiah relieved of their bare hands!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Jesus Christ accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
93-116 (L)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
This global icon Jesus Christ shanks a tear drop from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Jesus Christ trips up in the high post! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to rush when reading the play!
Jesus Christ scores in transition! Fast as a messiah grabbing their bare hands!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Jesus Christ with the off-balance thunderous slam! This household name couldn't set the feet!
Jesus Christ with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic messiah misdirection!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ, this undisputed superstar, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Christeam ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Christeam!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Jesus Christ. A messiah in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Jesus Christ has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Christeam ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Jesus Christ.
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