My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Pelé, his brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Pelé can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
Aristotle gets the starting nod! A polymath starting with their bare hands confidence!
Spider-Man, this generational talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
This hall-of-fame lock Aristotle gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
Pelé gives up the easy bucket! Easier than portraying the film character!
Spider-Man can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kishi Ganku wipes his forehead with his jersey. Locker room intel: Kishi Ganku has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Aristotle can't hit from the baseline! That zone is cursed for this polymath!
Kishi Ganku can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of renderring the canvas!
Spider-Man passes to nobody! This global icon with a head-scratching decision!
This global icon Spider-Man hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Pelé shakes hands through the pain! A movie actor who respects the script binder and the game!
MrBeast stares at the floor while Kishi Ganku mutters something inaudible under his breath. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-101 (L)
And we're underway! Spider-Man touches the Wilson first! This undisputed superstar looks eager!
Spider-Man forces up a scoop layup over the defense! Lack of consistency! Bad decision!
Kishi Ganku turns it over on the inbound pass! A painter dropping their palette knife at the worst time!
This hidden prospect Kishi Ganku bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!
MrBeast, this beanpole, overpowers for a fadeaway jumper! Size matters!
Rest. Pelé buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Pelé lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
MrBeast slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a youtuber hits the workbench!
Aristotle misses the open look! A polymath never misses the game... But misses the rock!
Aristotle penetrates into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
Spider-Man finds a second wind! The superhero engine roars back to life!
Pelé packs up and heads out! Packing the script binder, unpacking emotions!
Aristotle shakes Kishi Ganku's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I learned tonight that Aristotle used to be a polymath. That explains the unique running style. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
101-118 (L)
Tip-off! Kishi Ganku gets us started! Let's go!
MrBeast air-mails a hook shot at the buzzer! Way off for this certified bucket!
This generational talent Spider-Man with turnover number lengths ahead! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
MrBeast gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the algorithm behind their camera!
Pelé racks up a scoop layup! Productive night for this movie actor!
Back in the locker room, Aristotle sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Aristotle launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
MrBeast, this established star, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Spider-Man fires and misses in the paint. Should have stuck with the game!
Pelé uses that movie actor IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Spider-Man jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Aristotle hangs their head! A polymath who gave everything they had!
Pelé refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Spider-Man watches it and immediately regrets it. Evening confession: I'm wearing Pelé's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
90-101 (L)
The venue welcomes Spider-Man! The superhero with the game has arrived!
Spider-Man misfires from mid-range! Even this global icon has off nights!
Pelé tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Tendency to rush in the decision-making!
Pelé bites on the fake! Fooled like a movie actor by counterfeit the film character!
A deep three from Aristotle back to the basket! That's a statement right there!
First half is done. MrBeast is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: MrBeast slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
MrBeast stares in disbelief! The look of a youtuber who just lost everything!
Aristotle, this all-around player, gets the look under the basket but the lid's on the rim!
This living legend Aristotle adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Kishi Ganku is running on fumes! The painter tank is completely empty!
Spider-Man tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Aristotle snaps at the bench on his way out. Pelé says nothing, but his look says everything. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-123 (L)
Spider-Man huddles with the team! Huddling up, the superhero strategizes!
Spider-Man misses the open look! This guy with rings on every finger can't believe it! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Turnover by MrBeast! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Pelé caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Pelé, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, MrBeast picks up the pace. Did you know MrBeast once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
A devastating dunk by Pelé from mid-range is way off! Tough night for this living legend!
This guy with rings on every finger Pelé can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
Spider-Man throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure from the right corner!
Kishi Ganku mouths off at right from the tip-off! A painter venting about the canvas!
Kishi Ganku leaves the floor with dignity! The dignity of a painter with their palette knife!
Spider-Man mutters 'damn' under his breath. Pelé says 'yeah' in the same tone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
103-115 (L)
Pelé dribbles with energy from the opening whistle! This guy with rings on every finger locked in!
Kishi Ganku with the off-balance hook shot! This potential breakout star couldn't set the feet!
MrBeast gets the ball stripped! The algorithm would have stayed in a youtuber's grip!
MrBeast, this tower, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Kishi Ganku banks it in back to the basket! A painter's steady hand at work!
Halftime whistle! Kishi Ganku grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Kishi Ganku entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Aristotle, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
MrBeast with a rough euro-step driving to the hoop! Hot head at the worst time!
Pelé iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with movie actor focus!
Kishi Ganku wipes sweat with the mouthguard! Drenched, the painter has been putting in work!
Kishi Ganku takes the loss hard! Hard as the canvas on a bad painter day!
Spider-Man turns back to look at the court one last time. Pelé doesn't turn around. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-125 (L)
Game time! Spider-Man and this household name ready to put on a show at the floor!
This first-ballot legend Aristotle puts up a hook shot but it won't fall! Off night!
Pelé trips up in the right wing! A movie actor never trips at work... Right?
Spider-Man gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Kishi Ganku pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The painter in them is showing!
Intermission. MrBeast dumps an entire water bottle over his head. They say MrBeast eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Pelé misfires on the floater! Too much float, the movie actor touch abandoned them!
Kishi Ganku, this combo guard, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Sloppy handling by Kishi Ganku! Renderring the canvas is done with more finesse!
Kishi Ganku walks away muttering! Muttering about the canvas under their breath!
MrBeast tips the cap to the winners! The youtuber's grace with the algorithm!
Pelé avoids the cameras like the plague. MrBeast gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Did you know that MrBeast practices polymath on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
94-114 (L)
Kishi Ganku, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
This first-ballot legend Pelé with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Aristotle loses possession! The game never leaves a polymath's hands like that!
MrBeast gets blown by! Even a youtuber couldn't stop that!
Kishi Ganku goes coast to coast for a bank shot! This diamond in the rough is relentless!
Both teams head to the locker room. Aristotle wipes his forehead with his jersey. I've been told Aristotle always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
This world-class player MrBeast shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Air ball from Kishi Ganku! Being a painter doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Pelé reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this movie actor!
MrBeast is gassed! This big-name player bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
MrBeast looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a youtuber!
Aristotle mutters while walking out. Kishi Ganku watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Evening confession: I'm wearing Aristotle's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-119 (L)
Pelé comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the movie actor means business!
Kishi Ganku skips it off the rim! The canvas has better hop than that!
MrBeast fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This hall-of-fame lock Spider-Man misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Spider-Man hooks it in! The arc of a superhero swinging their bare hands!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Spider-Man picks up the pace. Fun fact: Spider-Man blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This first-ballot legend Pelé slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Pelé sends it wide! The script binder wouldn't forgive that either!
Spider-Man blows past the ball out of the trap! Iron discipline under pressure!
Aristotle tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a polymath's energy for the game!
Aristotle sits alone on the bench. This once-in-a-lifetime player processing the defeat.
MrBeast sits on the floor in the hallway. Pelé sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-107 (L)
Pelé bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
MrBeast can't finish! The youtuber who finishes the algorithm can't finish the play!
Aristotle turns it over in the center circle! Butterfingers from this polymath!
Aristotle, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
A thunderous slam from MrBeast from the left corner! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Back in the locker room, Kishi Ganku sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Kishi Ganku once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Pelé, this small but mighty player, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Kishi Ganku launches and misses! The rock isn't the canvas, and it shows!
Aristotle overloads one side! Loading up with polymath strategy!
This undisputed superstar Aristotle can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Pelé refuses to make excuses! A movie actor owns the film character failures too!
Kishi Ganku sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Pelé winces. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
95-130 (L)
Aristotle locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a polymath who means business!
Spider-Man misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
Spider-Man dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a superhero like that!
Pelé gets posterized! A movie actor framed by the script binder in the worst way!
Kishi Ganku picks up the second technical! This raw talent ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Halftime! MrBeast checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: MrBeast listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Pelé lets fly the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
MrBeast is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a youtuber would call it quits!
Aristotle with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
MrBeast storms to the bench! Heated! This youtuber doesn't handle losing well!
MrBeast, this titan, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
MrBeast stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Aristotle exhales. Again. And again. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-122 (L)
Pelé takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Spider-Man bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
MrBeast dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the youtuber's finest moment!
Spider-Man, this compact dynamo, gets dunked on in transition! Poster material!
Kishi Ganku looks to the heavens! A painter praying for their palette knife to work!
Halftime whistle. Spider-Man spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Spider-Man got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Spider-Man denied by the basket! Even a superhero can't pry it open!
MrBeast, this long boy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Stolen from MrBeast! A youtuber who let it slip through their fingers!
Spider-Man throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Kishi Ganku, this smooth operator, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
MrBeast clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Kishi Ganku fidgets with his wristband nervously. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Pelé in the starting lineup! Let's see what this franchise cornerstone brings!
MrBeast fades away the pill into nothing! Injury-prone body on full display tonight!
Pelé gets picked! A movie actor getting the film character stolen in broad daylight!
Aristotle loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Pelé steps back the towel! This household name showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Halftime. Aristotle throws his towel on the floor walking in. True story: Aristotle walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Aristotle gets blocked! Rejected harder than a polymath's worst day on the job!
Kishi Ganku is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the painter is spent!
Spider-Man commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Kishi Ganku pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This hidden prospect losing composure!
Pelé steps back past the media. This basketball god not in the mood to talk.
Spider-Man chews his nails on the bench. Pelé stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-120 (L)
The game begins and Spider-Man is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Aristotle, this household name, comes up empty! A floater off target from the right corner!
MrBeast with a wild pass that sails out! This guy everybody knows giving it away!
This total unknown Kishi Ganku fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!
A deep three from Kishi Ganku! That's an off-the-charts basketball IQ at the highest level!
End of the second quarter. Kishi Ganku is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Kishi Ganku is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Aristotle shakes their head! A polymath who can't believe that just happened!
Aristotle can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
This basketball god Pelé runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Spider-Man gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a superhero begging the game for mercy!
Pelé leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a movie actor after the film character setback!
Kishi Ganku's complexion is grey. Aristotle's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-124 (L)
Spider-Man announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
That one wasn't even close, MrBeast! Stick to captivating the algorithm!
MrBeast coughs up the ball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again facing the rim!
Kishi Ganku can't stay in front! Renderring the canvas doesn't build lateral quickness!
Spider-Man can't mask the disappointment! This household name wearing it on the sleeve!
Back to the locker room. Pelé's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Intel: Pelé once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This surprise package Kishi Ganku misses the mark! A free throw goes begging off the pick and roll!
Pelé slows down visibly! Slower than the script binder on low power!
Pelé lets fly the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
Kishi Ganku waves off the play! The authority of a painter in that gesture!
Pelé, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Pelé turns back to look at the court one last time. Kishi Ganku doesn't turn around. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Pelé, his brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Pelé can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
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