gooners — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | gooners | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Denver Horse-Track | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Gooners! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Yao Ming. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 229 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Satriani. The man. Is. A guitarist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A guitarist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their electric guitar and apparently, the technical motion of a guitarist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
98-109 (L)
Mao Zedong announces themselves! The revolutionary has arrived and the building knows it!
Marge Simpson shoots an air ball in palpable tension! A police officer lost in the noise!
Mao Zedong, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass in transition!
Mao Zedong loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Millie Bobby Brown knocks down a bank shot from the right corner! Ice in the veins!
The locker room fills up. Joe Satriani has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Joe Satriani fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This guy everybody knows Yao Ming stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Joe Satriani can't find the range! Their electric guitar has better accuracy than that!
Mao Zedong executes the delay! Patient as a revolutionary waiting for their bare hands results!
Yao Ming attacks but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Joe Satriani had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise guy left wanting.
Millie Bobby Brown's complexion is grey. Marge Simpson's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
97-96 (W)
Joe Satriani wins the opening tip! Tipping off with guitarist energy!
This world-class player Yao Ming comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Yao Ming with the contested tear drop at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
Millie Bobby Brown catches and shoots,a thunderous slam! Quick hands from greenlighting the risky picture!
Mao Zedong reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this revolutionary!
Well-deserved break. Mao Zedong looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know? Mao Zedong once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Yao Ming launches and drills it! In the money time! Eyes in the back of the head under pressure!
Yao Ming plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this big-name player!
Joe Satriani feeds off a Playoff atmosphere! The energy of a guitarist fueled by the blazing solo!
Joe Satriani takes over in the second half! Dominating like a guitarist who owns the room!
Yao Ming walks off the floor victorious! This franchise guy owns this moment!
Marge Simpson and Millie Bobby Brown attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Yao Ming films the whole thing. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
105-87 (W)
Mao Zedong takes the court to an incredible energy! The revolutionary with their bare hands is here!
Mao Zedong strings together an alley-oop off the pick and roll. Silky smooth technique on full display!
Millie Bobby Brown, this headliner, clamps down on the star player! Eyes in the back of the head on the assignment!
This elite player Yao Ming turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Joe Satriani uses their size out there! The guitarist has a built-in advantage!
Halftime. Yao Ming throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Yao Ming once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Millie Bobby Brown goes baseline and scores! The risky picture prepared them for this moment!
The energy in this building is unreal! Millie Bobby Brown channeling an electric crowd!
Millie Bobby Brown celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a film producer seeing the risky picture succeed!
In the closing moments, Joe Satriani becomes more than a guitarist, they become a hero!
Game over! Marge Simpson proved a police officer belongs on the field house with their patrol cruiser!
Yao Ming hugs the mascot. Joe Satriani hugs the referee. Awkward. Tonight I had a revelation: Joe Satriani runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
122-98 (W)
Mao Zedong gets the starting nod! A revolutionary starting with their bare hands confidence!
Mao Zedong finishes with flair! Showmanship of a revolutionary presenting the game!
Marge Simpson stands firm! Not moving, this police officer is planted!
Marge Simpson picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with police officer precision!
Yao Ming spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime. Marge Simpson glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Marge Simpson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than her first contract. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Yao Ming rises up and it's a buzzer-beater! This established star proving the doubters wrong!
The court erupts as Millie Bobby Brown enters! The film producer gets a hero's welcome!
Millie Bobby Brown dunks the rock into the right hands! This top-tier talent quarterback!
This established star Yao Ming channels the inner champion! Scary good handles at its peak!
Yao Ming sits on the bench with a smile! This bonafide star job well done!
Marge Simpson and Mao Zedong act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-97 (W)
Opening possession for Marge Simpson! First touch, like first touch of their patrol cruiser!
Yao Ming scores in transition! A double-clutch layup with freakish explosiveness! Brilliant!
Marge Simpson walls up in the corner! Immovable as their patrol cruiser bolted down!
Yao Ming threads the needle! Beautiful assist in the paint! Unreal court vision!
Marge Simpson runs the offense! Running it like a police officer runs the show!
The players leave the court. Mao Zedong clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Mao Zedong was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Marge Simpson scores again! When you're a police officer by trade, the leather is child's play!
A Playoff atmosphere, all because of a police officer named Marge Simpson with the broken law!
Millie Bobby Brown shares the ball unselfishly! No ego, just a film producer who gets it!
The evolution of Marge Simpson: enforcing the broken law taught patience. The gymnasium taught glory!
It's over! Yao Ming delivers the goods! This multi-time All-Star walks off a winner!
Joe Satriani blows a kiss to the camera. Mao Zedong blows twelve. Marge Simpson blocks the lens. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-110 (W)
Millie Bobby Brown, this miniature missile, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
Joe Satriani blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
This certified bucket Joe Satriani puts up an off-balance shot but it won't fall! Off night!
Joe Satriani dunks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
This certified bucket Joe Satriani with the savvy veteran play! Eyes in the back of the head experience showing!
The players disappear. Mao Zedong has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Rumor has it Mao Zedong talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This reliable star Yao Ming takes over! Back-to-back an alley-oop in crunch time!
Mao Zedong, this all-around player, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a sky-high block!
Marge Simpson, this all-around player, basks in wild stands! This is home!
Millie Bobby Brown, this pint-sized baller, scores the go-ahead! A reverse layup! Heart of a champion!
Joe Satriani shakes hands! The handshake of a guitarist who respects the blazing solo!
Marge Simpson runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Mao Zedong follows doing the wave alone. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-105 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Yao Ming comes out aggressive! Opens with a hook shot in transition!
Yao Ming, this colossus, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
Millie Bobby Brown loses the rock! A film producer would never be this careless!
This jersey-selling name Joe Satriani gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
Mao Zedong handles the pill like their bare hands. A thunderous slam back to the basket! The precision of a revolutionary!
That's a cut. Millie Bobby Brown stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Millie Bobby Brown once wore her jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Yao Ming, this giant, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Millie Bobby Brown can't convert! The film producer's touch with the risky picture deserted them!
Mao Zedong triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with revolutionary urgency!
Yao Ming is gassed! This reliable star bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
This headliner Millie Bobby Brown congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this headliner.
Marge Simpson's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Mao Zedong breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Behind the scenes, I learned Mao Zedong was also a police officer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
105-117 (L)
Joe Satriani penetrates with energy from the opening whistle! This big-name player locked in!
Millie Bobby Brown bricks another one! Building something awful with their loaded checkbook tonight!
Yao Ming with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Marge Simpson beaten to the spot! Slower than a police officer on a Monday morning!
What a play by Mao Zedong! A buzzer-beater off the pick and roll! This potential GOAT is cooking!
Break time. Yao Ming bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Juicy anecdote: Yao Ming was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Yao Ming, this 7-footer, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Yao Ming blows past the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Joe Satriani goes to the post! That guitarist strength is showing!
Joe Satriani is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure guitarist stubbornness!
Mao Zedong fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the revolutionary gave everything!
Marge Simpson stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Mao Zedong exhales. Again. And again. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
100-101 (L)
Millie Bobby Brown, this low-to-the-ground speedster, is introduced and the arena explodes! This reliable star is in the building!
This world-class player Yao Ming does it again! A layup with effortless precision!
Mao Zedong beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a revolutionary!
Marge Simpson, this combo guard, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
Joe Satriani with back-to-back scores! The guitarist assembly line of their electric guitar!
Halftime. Yao Ming's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: Yao Ming logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This bonafide star Millie Bobby Brown fouls in the clutch! Tendency to force bad shots showing late!
Yao Ming storms to the bench! This multi-time All-Star is visibly upset!
From the workshop to the den, Millie Bobby Brown brings precision worthy of their loaded checkbook!
Joe Satriani dribbles but can't score in the third quarter! Opportunity lost!
Marge Simpson reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Millie Bobby Brown refuses the coach's embrace. Joe Satriani accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-109 (L)
Marge Simpson starts in the facilitator! Playing the facilitator way a police officer plays with their patrol cruiser!
Marge Simpson, this combo guard, gets stuffed trying a pull-up jumper! Denied!
Yao Ming, this giant, gets stripped in transition! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
This headliner Millie Bobby Brown misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Millie Bobby Brown floats one in from along the baseline! Delicate as a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Halftime! Yao Ming has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Intel: Yao Ming refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Mao Zedong mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Off the mark for Marge Simpson! Great police officer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Joe Satriani reads the defense perfectly! Scary good handles and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This headliner Marge Simpson can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This guy everybody knows Marge Simpson shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Joe Satriani rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Mao Zedong picks up his own and folds it carefully. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
102-112 (L)
Millie Bobby Brown, this undersized spark plug, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Joe Satriani air-mails a double-clutch layup from the left corner! Way off for this jersey-selling name!
Yao Ming throws it into the stands! What was that from this franchise guy!
Mao Zedong scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Marge Simpson launches the damn ball with flair and hits a buzzer beater! Sensational!
End of the first act. Marge Simpson is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Marge Simpson once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Mao Zedong waves off the play! The authority of a revolutionary in that gesture!
Yao Ming forces up a double-clutch layup over the defense! Heavy feet! Bad decision!
Millie Bobby Brown exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their loaded checkbook acumen!
Millie Bobby Brown labors up the court! Trudging like a film producer dragging the risky picture!
Joe Satriani looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a guitarist!
Marge Simpson mutters 'damn' under her breath. Millie Bobby Brown says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-107 (L)
Millie Bobby Brown fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this world-class player!
Millie Bobby Brown launches a finger roll and... Airball! Heavy feet at its peak!
Mao Zedong with the backcourt violation! This global icon under too much pressure!
Mao Zedong lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
A pull-up jumper! Mao Zedong cannot be stopped tonight! This household name is locked in!
Break. Marge Simpson collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Confession: Marge Simpson tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Millie Bobby Brown vents at their teammates! The film producer who vents about the risky picture!
Marge Simpson drives but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
Joe Satriani uses the hesitation dribble! Iron discipline creating separation!
This elite player Yao Ming can't close out! The legs are shot from way beyond the arc!
This guy everybody knows Yao Ming tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Marge Simpson kicks her towel across the floor. Mao Zedong has already left for the locker room, alone. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-119 (L)
Joe Satriani, this franchise guy, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Brick! Yao Ming misfires off the pick and roll! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Mao Zedong turns it over at the last second! A revolutionary dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
This big-name player Millie Bobby Brown commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Yao Ming, this franchise guy, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
The players head in. Joe Satriani slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Joe Satriani entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Mao Zedong takes off but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
Yao Ming grabs the shorts! This top-tier talent is running on fumes!
Mao Zedong botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
This bonafide star Yao Ming hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Marge Simpson walks off in defeat! Even a police officer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Millie Bobby Brown chews her nails on the bench. Joe Satriani stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I got a text from Millie Bobby Brown after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-131 (L)
Mao Zedong locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a revolutionary who means business!
Joe Satriani misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Millie Bobby Brown dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
Joe Satriani can't stay in front! Shredding the blazing solo doesn't build lateral quickness!
Mao Zedong tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the revolutionary will bounce back!
Halftime. Mao Zedong glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Locker room anecdote: Mao Zedong talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Mao Zedong shoots the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Tendency to force bad shots!
Yao Ming, this beanpole, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
Yao Ming, this towering presence, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Joe Satriani, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Marge Simpson tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we enforces better, like the broken law!'
Mao Zedong has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Marge Simpson has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
99-121 (L)
Yao Ming takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Yao Ming misfires off the pick and roll! This franchise guy searching for answers!
Joe Satriani throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure at the buzzer!
Yao Ming, this walking skyscraper, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots!
Joe Satriani scores a bucket! Their electric guitar by day, buckets by night!
Back to the locker room. Mao Zedong's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Mao Zedong threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Millie Bobby Brown mutters to herself walking back! This reliable star fighting inner demons!
Mao Zedong clanks another one off the rim! This potential GOAT needs to find rhythm!
Millie Bobby Brown traps with the double! Trapping them, the film producer knows how to corner prey!
Marge Simpson misses from fatigue! Tired arms from enforcing the broken law all week!
This world-class player Yao Ming leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Yao Ming refuses Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's handshake. Mao Zedong offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
gooners ends the season #10 with a 5W-10L record. Season MVP: Yao Ming.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Gooners!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Yao Ming. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 229 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Satriani. The man. Is. A guitarist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A guitarist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their electric guitar and apparently, the technical motion of a guitarist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
gooners ends the season #10 with a 5W-10L record. Season MVP: Yao Ming.
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