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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest14128
2San Antonio Skyscrapers12324
3Detroit Engine-Roar11422
4Cleveland Twin-Towers11422
5Boston Ring-Chasers11422
6New York Over-Timers10520
7My Team10520
8Houston Blast-Off8716
9Denver Horse-Track7814
10Minnesota Ice-Wall6912
11Toronto Border-Patrol51010
12Los Angeles Nursing-Home51010
13Phoenix No-Defense4118
14Philadelphia Injury-Report2134
15Miami Heart-Attack2134
16Orlando Magic-Beans2134

Pre-season

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Superman on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. A freaking messiah. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-113 (L)

Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!

Goku can't buy a bucket! Maybe the stubborn soil would be easier to aim!

Ja Morant, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!

This potential GOAT Superman gives up the offensive rebound! Injury-prone body when boxing out!

James Naismith goes coast to coast for a catch-and-shoot triple! This headliner is relentless!

The players leave the court. James Naismith clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: James Naismith got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Ja Morant can't mask the disappointment! This player on the come-up wearing it on the sleeve!

Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a devastating dunk! Denied!

This legit talent Ja Morant sets the back screen! Pure God-given talent off-ball contribution!

This max-contract guy James Naismith can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!

Goku packs up and heads out! Packing the seed dibber, unpacking emotions!

James Naismith has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Ja Morant has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

115-94 (W)

Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!

A pull-up jumper from downtown by Goku! This do-it-all player with the long range!

Goku picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure farmer reflexes!

James Naismith, this elusive guard, runs the offense with next-level basketball IQ! Beautiful passing!

Superman communicates the switch! Clear as a superhero's instructions!

Halftime! Superman is limping slightly heading off the court. Word is Superman sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Superman dribbles and converts! An alley-oop from way beyond the arc! Money!

The PA announcer can't pronounce Jesus Christ's their bare hands! Comedy at the field house!

Ja Morant takes the blame for the mistake! This respected competitor protecting teammates!

Ja Morant, this well-respected player, has been building to this all game! On the inbound pass!

This multi-time All-Star James Naismith raises the arms! The win is in the books! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!

Jesus Christ and Ja Morant chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

112-90 (W)

The game begins and James Naismith is ready! You can see night-in night-out consistency written all over his face!

The technical flair of Goku recalls their farmer days. A half-court heave! Sublime!

Ja Morant draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!

Superman, this undisputed superstar, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a reverse layup!

Superman creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, superhero-level thinking!

Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Jesus Christ attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!

The crowd is on its feet! Palpable tension as James Naismith takes the court!

James Naismith finds the open teammate! This certified bucket making everyone better!

This established player Ja Morant has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Unreal swagger!

This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ seals the deal! Victory with that dawg mentality!

Superman and Ja Morant do celebratory push-ups. James Naismith counts out loud. Definitely cheating. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

101-95 (W)

James Naismith takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!

Jesus Christ handles the pill like their bare hands. A scoop layup facing the rim! The precision of a messiah!

This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman with the weak-side perfect contest! Incredible help!

Jesus Christ picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with messiah precision!

Ja Morant slows the pace when the team needs it! This player making noise tempo control!

The locker room. Goku sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Goku tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Goku scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a farmer right there!

James Naismith, this guy everybody knows, feeds off every decibel! A packed arena is fuel!

This guy everybody knows Goku motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!

The story of Jesus Christ: a messiah by morning, a baller by night. The game would be proud!

Superman tallied double figures! Double the game, double the glory!

James Naismith and Superman stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Tonight I learned James Naismith used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

111-88 (W)

Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!

James Naismith crosses over to the rack for an alley-oop! Can't contain this compact dynamo!

Ja Morant a surgical steal with authority! This combo guard protecting the paint!

Jesus Christ with the alley-oop pass! Launching the pill with messiah precision!

Jesus Christ spaces the floor! Making room out there like a messiah clears the workspace!

Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Exclusive info: Jesus Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Ja Morant scores at will! A sky hook in transition! This solid pro domination!

Fans hold up the game signs for Superman! What a scene!

This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this franchise cornerstone!

This dude putting the league on notice Ja Morant refuses to lose! The will of a champion!

Ja Morant, this solid pro, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!

Goku and Ja Morant chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

111-83 (W)

This established star James Naismith in the starting lineup! Let's see what this established star brings!

This basketball god Jesus Christ does it again! A tear drop with effortless precision!

Ja Morant a defensive rebound and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!

Superman hits the trailer! Connecting plays with their bare hands accuracy!

Superman baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!

Break! Ja Morant heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Ja Morant talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

This next-level player Ja Morant capitalizes facing the rim! A catch-and-shoot triple with night-in night-out consistency!

This jersey-selling name James Naismith has the arena rocking! A packed arena off the charts!

Ja Morant dunks the ball into the right hands! This guy with a proven track record quarterback!

Superman proves that competing the game builds character for the den!

Goku walks off the den victorious! This certified bucket owns this moment!

Superman mimes popping a champagne bottle. James Naismith mimes chugging straight from it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

93-112 (L)

Jesus Christ starts in the playmaker! Playing the playmaker way a messiah plays with their bare hands!

This bonafide star James Naismith whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!

Jesus Christ loses the Spalding! A messiah would never be this careless!

Superman, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily from downtown! Tendency to rush!

Jesus Christ with a half-court heave! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the floor!

Heading in. James Naismith's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Confession: James Naismith calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Goku vents at their teammates! The farmer who vents about the stubborn soil!

Goku fires and misses in transition. Should have stuck with the stubborn soil!

Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!

Superman gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a superhero begging the game for mercy!

Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!

James Naismith clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jesus Christ fidgets with his wristband nervously. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

100-93 (W)

Goku lands the first pull-up jumper! First blood! The farmer strikes first!

Ja Morant penetrates and fires a step-back three! This do-it-all player lighting it up!

Superman makes the stop! Stopping power of a superhero in full force!

This franchise guy James Naismith leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!

Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!

Break! Ja Morant heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. True story: Ja Morant walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Minnesota Ice-Wall. Awkward. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

This global icon Jesus Christ punishes the defense with a two-handed slam at the buzzer!

Deafening noise! Ja Morant dishes and the building shakes!

James Naismith penetrates the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!

From superhero life to dominating the court, Superman's journey is remarkable!

Final buzzer! Ja Morant is the hero! This dude putting the league on notice with a game for the ages!

Goku does a handstand. Jesus Christ holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

120-105 (W)

Superman steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!

What a play by Superman! An off-balance shot in the paint! This undisputed superstar is cooking!

Ja Morant, this up-and-coming baller, switches seamlessly and locks up! Nerves of steel shining through!

Ja Morant with the bounce pass! This league veteran threading it perfectly!

Superman executes the delay! Patient as a superhero waiting for their bare hands results!

Coach calls everyone back. James Naismith drags his feet toward the tunnel. I've been told James Naismith always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Ja Morant shoots the ball with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!

Ja Morant fades away to an eruption! A packed arena! What a moment!

Superman boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a superhero with the game!

Superman's work ethic? Forged by the superhero life, perfected on the court!

Goku carries the team to victory! Strong as a farmer on a Monday morning!

James Naismith and Superman run circles around Goku who doesn't move. Zen. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

115-99 (W)

Tip-off! James Naismith gets us started! Let's go!

Jesus Christ launches past the defense for a deep three! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!

This name that's buzzing Ja Morant takes the charge from mid-range! Gutsy play!

Ja Morant threads the needle! Beautiful assist back to the basket! Unreal court vision!

Goku draws the double team! Attracting attention, the farmer is a magnet out there!

Halftime. The physio pounces on James Naismith to massage his thighs. Confession: James Naismith believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Ja Morant with the tough half-court heave through contact! This respected competitor won't be denied!

The halftime tribute to Superman's superhero journey! The game to a finger roll!

Goku, this combo guard, holds the team together with pure God-given talent! Captain!

They said a messiah couldn't play at this level. Jesus Christ and their bare hands disagree!

Goku, this smooth operator, takes the final bow! A slide across the hardwood! Dominant display!

James Naismith blows a kiss to the camera. Superman blows twelve. Jesus Christ blocks the lens. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

109-110 (L)

Ja Morant blows past into position! This solid pro not wasting any time!

James Naismith, this guy everybody knows, reads the play perfectly and delivers a double-clutch layup!

James Naismith gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to force bad shots!

This well-respected player Ja Morant throws up a prayer along the baseline! Not answered!

Ja Morant forces the turnover! This legit talent creating opportunities on both ends!

The players head to the locker room. James Naismith is sweating like a racehorse. True story: James Naismith walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Superman, this undisputed superstar, misses the potential game-winner! Tendency to force bad shots!

Goku mouths off at after a timeout! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!

Jesus Christ bridges two worlds: the game and a buzzer-beater, bound by passion!

This max-contract guy James Naismith dribbles out the clock! Shaky emotions under pressure costing precious seconds!

Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!

Goku hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Superman keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

110-113 (L)

James Naismith, this guy everybody knows, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!

Jesus Christ, this all-time great, knifes through for a thunderous slam at the top of the key! Wow!

Goku gets crossed over! This franchise guy left frozen from way beyond the arc!

Superman can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The rock through the hoop, nope!

Goku sparks the comeback! The farmer fire from the seed dibber ignites the temple of basketball!

Break. Ja Morant's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little scoop: Ja Morant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ picks up the foul on the decisive possession! Terrible timing!

James Naismith, this low-to-the-ground speedster, throws the hands up! Exasperated on the low block!

The duality of Jesus Christ: messiah precision meets the leather artistry!

Goku fouls at the worst time! A farmer tripping over the stubborn soil!

Superman, this versatile guy, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.

James Naismith walks toward the tunnel without a word. Superman stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

99-97 (W)

Superman, this certified GOAT candidate, draws first blood! A reverse layup to start!

This basketball god Jesus Christ with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!

Superman crosses over the ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this living legend!

This guy with a proven track record Ja Morant with a picture-perfect pull-up jumper! The crowd goes wild!

Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Eyes in the back of the head!

Halftime whistle. James Naismith flops into the first available chair. Intel: James Naismith asked Boston Ring-Chasers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Jesus Christ delivers at after a timeout! A messiah who always delivers on time!

This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ with a critical stop! A defensive rebound when it counts!

The crowd chants Jesus Christ's name! A standing ovation for the messiah with their bare hands!

Goku with the go-ahead half-court heave! A farmer taking charge with the seed dibber!

James Naismith launches to the crowd! A team high-five! This reliable star gave everything!

Goku drops to his knees and kisses the court. Ja Morant pretends to gag. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

109-106 (W)

Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

Ja Morant, this do-it-all player, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a charge taken!

James Naismith takes a tough deep three and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!

Ja Morant strings together a thunderous slam in transition. Scary good handles on full display!

Goku exploits the soft spot in the restricted area! Soft as the stubborn soil under the seed dibber!

The players disappear into the tunnel. Goku asks for an ice pack. Anecdote: Goku slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

This reliable star James Naismith with the heroic sky-high block! Preserves the lead!

Ja Morant with the suffocating defense! This dude putting the league on notice is a wall out there!

Ja Morant, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the standing ovation! A cathedral silence!

Superman drains the clutch free throw! Steady as a superhero steadying their bare hands!

James Naismith pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This elite player savors the win!

Jesus Christ does the robot at center court while Ja Morant pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

89-125 (L)

This multi-time All-Star James Naismith catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!

Goku misses the open look! A farmer never misses the stubborn soil... But misses the rock!

Jesus Christ commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!

Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!

Jesus Christ mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!

Both teams head to the locker room. Ja Morant wipes his forehead with his jersey. Bus driver's confession: Ja Morant raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Jesus Christ heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!

This living legend Superman can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!

This certified GOAT candidate Superman with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!

Ja Morant, this dude putting the league on notice, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!

Superman launches past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.

Superman walks toward the tunnel without a word. Ja Morant stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

My Team ends the season #7 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Superman.

🏀
#7
Rank
10W-5L
Record
+56
+/-
352
Team Score
40.6M$
Salary
Superman
MVP

Season Journal

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!

Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Superman on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.

His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.

And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. A freaking messiah. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.

The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."

🏆

My Team ends the season #7 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Superman.

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