My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Theodore Roosevelt. Standing at 179 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed John F. Kennedy. The man. Is. A statesperson. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A statesperson. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their diplomatic pouch and apparently, the technical motion of a statesperson and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
Joe Biden drives with energy from the opening whistle! This once-in-a-lifetime player locked in!
Abraham Lincoln sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this farmer!
Joe Biden throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure in the paint!
Donald Trump overcommits! Going all-in like an investor on the next venture, but wrong!
Donald Trump penetrates the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing lack of consistency!
Halftime. The doctor examines Abraham Lincoln's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Quick anecdote about Abraham Lincoln: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Joe Biden rises up but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Theodore Roosevelt needs oxygen! More winded than an explorer after overtime!
Theodore Roosevelt gets the ball stripped! The uncharted wild would have stayed in an explorer's grip!
This hall-of-fame lock Abraham Lincoln slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Theodore Roosevelt tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we breaches better, like the uncharted wild!'
Theodore Roosevelt claps his hands in frustration. Joe Biden clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
John F. Kennedy takes the court to a cathedral silence! The statesperson with their diplomatic pouch is here!
John F. Kennedy gets blocked! Rejected harder than a statesperson's worst day on the job!
Donald Trump with a wild pass that sails out! This household name giving it away!
Theodore Roosevelt gets blown by! Even an explorer couldn't stop that!
John F. Kennedy mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Halftime. Theodore Roosevelt wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Intel: Theodore Roosevelt refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Theodore Roosevelt forces up a pull-up jumper over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
John F. Kennedy is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a statesperson would call it quits!
Joe Biden loses the Wilson! A university professor would never be this careless!
This absolute legend Joe Biden gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Donald Trump walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to investor life tomorrow!
Abraham Lincoln walks head down toward the tunnel. Joe Biden drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Evening confession: I'm wearing Abraham Lincoln's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-122 (L)
Joe Biden starts in the playmaker! Playing the playmaker way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!
Theodore Roosevelt misfires on the floater! Too much float, the explorer touch abandoned them!
Joe Biden forces the pass! Forcing their lecture notes where it doesn't fit!
John F. Kennedy, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
John F. Kennedy looks to the heavens! A statesperson praying for their diplomatic pouch to work!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Donald Trump tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Joe Biden rushes an off-balance shot from mid-range! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Donald Trump mops their face! Sweating more than when bankrolling the next venture!
John F. Kennedy, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
Theodore Roosevelt explodes away from the huddle! This potential GOAT in a dark place mentally!
This guy with rings on every finger John F. Kennedy congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy with rings on every finger.
Joe Biden walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Theodore Roosevelt speeds up. Wants it to be over. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-121 (L)
And we're underway! Theodore Roosevelt touches the Wilson first! This hall-of-fame lock looks eager!
John F. Kennedy with the contested floater off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Donald Trump throws it away! A pass worse than an investor tossing the next venture!
Joe Biden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the young scholars slipping from a university professor!
John F. Kennedy glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this statesperson!
Break time. Theodore Roosevelt bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Theodore Roosevelt tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Donald Trump can't hit from the corner! That zone is cursed for this investor!
Donald Trump labors up the court! Trudging like an investor dragging the next venture!
Joe Biden passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Abraham Lincoln is visibly upset! Upset as a farmer when the stubborn soil goes sideways!
Donald Trump sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an investor after their portfolio ledger broke!
John F. Kennedy slams his fist on the bench. Joe Biden places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-121 (L)
Opening possession for Donald Trump! First touch, like first touch of their portfolio ledger!
Abraham Lincoln whiffs on the jumper! A farmer off their game with the seed dibber!
Theodore Roosevelt, this elusive guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted under the basket!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Abraham Lincoln kicks the air! The frustration of a farmer who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Theodore Roosevelt throws his towel on the floor walking in. The staff told me Theodore Roosevelt sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, gets the look in the paint but the lid's on the rim!
Theodore Roosevelt struggles in the third quarter! The explorer hitting the wall with the uncharted wild!
Stolen from Abraham Lincoln! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
John F. Kennedy slams the damn ball in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Joe Biden consoles teammates! The heart of a university professor in that moment!
John F. Kennedy hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Joe Biden keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Behind the scenes, I learned Joe Biden was also a statesperson in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
The game begins and John F. Kennedy is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
Abraham Lincoln misses the open look! A farmer never misses the stubborn soil... But misses the ball!
Abraham Lincoln dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the farmer's finest moment!
Joe Biden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!
This certified GOAT candidate Abraham Lincoln shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
End of the first half. John F. Kennedy is beet red but still standing. Staff confession: John F. Kennedy is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This undisputed superstar Abraham Lincoln with a rare miss off the pick and roll! Even the best stumble!
Donald Trump misses from fatigue! Tired arms from bankrolling the next venture all week!
Joe Biden double-dribbles! Challenging the young scholars doesn't have that rule!
Joe Biden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
Donald Trump gave it everything! Everything an investor has, left on the court!
John F. Kennedy avoids the cameras like the plague. Joe Biden gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-120 (L)
The venue welcomes Theodore Roosevelt! The explorer with the uncharted wild has arrived!
John F. Kennedy with a rough free throw from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Sloppy handling by John F. Kennedy! Navigating the political storm is done with more finesse!
Donald Trump left in the dust! Even an investor moves faster than that!
Donald Trump vents at their teammates! The investor who vents about the next venture!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Theodore Roosevelt to massage his thighs. Did you know? Theodore Roosevelt launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Donald Trump posts up and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Abraham Lincoln stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
Abraham Lincoln with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
Donald Trump, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Abraham Lincoln packs up and heads out! Packing the seed dibber, unpacking emotions!
Abraham Lincoln snaps at the bench on his way out. Donald Trump says nothing, but his look says everything. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-115 (L)
Theodore Roosevelt begins their shift on the hardwood! An explorer starting the worn compass shift!
Theodore Roosevelt, this little firecracker, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates driving to the hoop!
Donald Trump with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Theodore Roosevelt gambles for the steal and pays the price! Hot head!
Donald Trump storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Joe Biden picks up the pace. Fun fact: Joe Biden tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
John F. Kennedy can't find the range! Their diplomatic pouch has better accuracy than that!
John F. Kennedy drags their feet! Heavy as their diplomatic pouch at the end of a shift!
Donald Trump fades away into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Heavy feet!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the investor will bounce back!
Abraham Lincoln fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the farmer gave everything!
Donald Trump bites the inside of his cheek. John F. Kennedy pinches the bridge of his nose. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
Donald Trump wins the opening tip! Tipping off with investor energy!
John F. Kennedy fires a brick at half court! Way off, even for a statesperson!
John F. Kennedy, this combo guard, commits the travel! Shaky emotions under pressure in the footwork!
Donald Trump gets posterized! An investor framed by their portfolio ledger in the worst way!
Joe Biden, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
That's a wrap for now. Donald Trump dives into the tunnel. Did you know? Donald Trump has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Donald Trump, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This absolute legend Donald Trump can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Joe Biden explodes the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this living legend!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an investor's spirit has limits!
Joe Biden sits alone on the bench. This basketball god processing the defeat.
Donald Trump mutters while walking out. Theodore Roosevelt watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-125 (L)
John F. Kennedy checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Joe Biden steps back but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
Donald Trump throws it out of bounds! Like launching their portfolio ledger into the void!
Donald Trump turns the head and loses the man! This certified GOAT candidate napping defensively!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of an investor who just lost everything!
Break. Theodore Roosevelt collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
A free throw from Theodore Roosevelt catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
John F. Kennedy is running on fumes! The statesperson tank is completely empty!
Intercepted! Joe Biden's pass snatched right out of the air! A university professor would never be that careless!
Theodore Roosevelt throws their hands up! Like an explorer when the worn compass breaks!
Donald Trump leaves the palace of hoops with dignity! The dignity of an investor with their portfolio ledger!
Abraham Lincoln hurls his mouthguard into the trash. John F. Kennedy keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-134 (L)
Abraham Lincoln, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! An and-one to start!
Abraham Lincoln bobbles and misses! Fumbling the basketball like it's a Monday morning!
This certified GOAT candidate John F. Kennedy forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Donald Trump can't stay in front! Bankrolling the next venture doesn't build lateral quickness!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Rest time. Joe Biden isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: Joe Biden wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Theodore Roosevelt misses from the corner! Off the pick and roll is no place for the worn compass!
Theodore Roosevelt shoots sluggishly! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up with this potential GOAT!
Theodore Roosevelt coughs up the leather! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again at half court!
Abraham Lincoln walks away muttering! Muttering about the stubborn soil under their breath!
Joe Biden wipes a tear! A university professor who poured everything into the effort!
Joe Biden refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Donald Trump offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-127 (L)
This household name Joe Biden catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Donald Trump misses! Even an investor can't fix that shot!
Donald Trump trips up in the elbow! An investor never trips at work... Right?
Theodore Roosevelt bites on the fake! Fooled like an explorer by counterfeit the uncharted wild!
Abraham Lincoln pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The farmer in them is showing!
Halftime whistle. Theodore Roosevelt flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Theodore Roosevelt tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Theodore Roosevelt clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the worn compass hitting the uncharted wild!
Abraham Lincoln jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for cultivating the stubborn soil tomorrow!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
This living legend Abraham Lincoln throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Theodore Roosevelt tips the cap to the winners! The explorer's grace with the uncharted wild!
Abraham Lincoln sits on the floor in the hallway. Theodore Roosevelt sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-132 (L)
John F. Kennedy steps onto the arena! From navigating the political storm to this, game time!
Abraham Lincoln misses the bunny! A farmer dropping the stubborn soil from point-blank!
John F. Kennedy, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the Spalding!
Theodore Roosevelt gets caught flat-footed! This generational talent beaten to the spot!
Donald Trump storms to the bench! Heated! This investor doesn't handle losing well!
Heading in. John F. Kennedy's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: John F. Kennedy tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Abraham Lincoln, this potential GOAT, comes up empty! A bucket off target from way beyond the arc!
Donald Trump is spent! Used up like the next venture after an investor's long day!
This absolute legend John F. Kennedy with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Biden shakes their head! A university professor who can't believe that just happened!
This living legend Donald Trump shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
John F. Kennedy walks toward the tunnel without a word. Joe Biden stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-121 (L)
Donald Trump stretches center court! Loosening up, the investor is getting ready!
John F. Kennedy shanks it from the high post! Navigating the political storm uses different muscles!
Theodore Roosevelt with the backcourt violation! An explorer going backwards with the uncharted wild!
Abraham Lincoln caught flat-footed! Standing still, the farmer reflexes took a nap!
Theodore Roosevelt buries their face! Hidden from view, the explorer can't watch!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Joe Biden to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Joe Biden threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
A pull-up jumper from Joe Biden goes in and out! Heartbreaking driving to the hoop!
Theodore Roosevelt plays through exhaustion! The endurance of breaching the uncharted wild daily!
Turnover by John F. Kennedy! Navigating the political storm requires less coordination, clearly!
Abraham Lincoln mouths off at after a timeout! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
This basketball god Donald Trump tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Abraham Lincoln whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Donald Trump nods without conviction. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
Joe Biden looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Donald Trump with the ugly miss! The investor touch is absent tonight!
John F. Kennedy posts up into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
This absolute legend Theodore Roosevelt can't recover! Scored on in the paint! Injury-prone body!
Theodore Roosevelt, this guy with rings on every finger, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Halftime whistle. Abraham Lincoln flops into the first available chair. Did you know? Abraham Lincoln launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Donald Trump, this absolute legend, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
This all-time great Abraham Lincoln stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 48 regulation minutes!
Joe Biden with the careless pass! Challenging the young scholars with more care, please!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Theodore Roosevelt reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Donald Trump's gaze is cold, distant. Theodore Roosevelt's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, I learned Theodore Roosevelt was also a statesperson in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Theodore Roosevelt.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Theodore Roosevelt. Standing at 179 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed John F. Kennedy. The man. Is. A statesperson. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A statesperson. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their diplomatic pouch and apparently, the technical motion of a statesperson and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Theodore Roosevelt.
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