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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Detroit Engine-Roar13226
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest13226
3San Antonio Skyscrapers12324
4Boston Ring-Chasers11422
5-1111422
6Cleveland Twin-Towers11422
7New York Over-Timers10520
8Houston Blast-Off9618
9Denver Horse-Track8716
10Toronto Border-Patrol6912
11Minnesota Ice-Wall4118
12Los Angeles Nursing-Home3126
13Phoenix No-Defense3126
14Orlando Magic-Beans2134
15Philadelphia Injury-Report2134
16Miami Heart-Attack2134

Pre-season

Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... -11! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Stephen Curry on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 188 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is Saitama. A superhero by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

112-111 (W)

Saitama dunks into position! This dude out of nowhere not wasting any time!

Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, contests everything from mid-range! Eyes in the back of the head on full display!

LeBron James, this beanpole, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this living legend!

A layup by Goku from the right corner! Insane court vision in every fiber!

Stephen Curry attacks to the weak side! This All-Star caliber talent exploiting the rotation!

Both teams head in. Saitama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. I've been told Saitama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

This global icon LeBron James won't let the team lose! A thunderous slam in the final quarter!

Saitama, this smooth operator, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by unreal swagger!

The arena buzzes for Goku! A farmer who electrifies wherever they go!

This world-class player Stephen Curry with the monster charge taken during crunch time! Saved the game!

Goku seals the win! Sealed tight, the farmer gets it done!

Stephen Curry takes a bow for the crowd. Michael Jordan bows to Stephen Curry. The nobility of basketball. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michael Jordan. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

118-85 (W)

Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!

An and-one from Stephen Curry! This top-tier talent just keeps delivering!

LeBron James with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open catch-and-shoot triple!

Saitama with the teardrop bucket! Beautiful as a superhero's finest the game!

Goku deflects the pass and starts the break! This headliner defense to offense!

Break. Stephen Curry's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Confession: Stephen Curry believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Michael Jordan converts a tough double-clutch layup in transition! Skill level: elite!

Goku piles it on! Stacking buckets like it's nothing! The farmer is dominant!

Goku suggested using the stubborn soil instead of the ball! Motion denied!

LeBron James, this long boy, chest bumps the teammate! A salute to the fans! Pure joy!

This headliner Stephen Curry wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!

LeBron James grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Stephen Curry applauds. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

130-88 (W)

This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer-beater from mid-range!

Saitama catches fire! And it's a finger roll! An off-the-charts basketball IQ taking over!

Saitama whips it cross-court! Covering distance with their bare hands range!

LeBron James, this 7-footer, with a silky thunderous slam from downtown! Smooth operator!

LeBron James pressures the inbound! This first-ballot legend with relentless silky smooth technique!

Halftime! Saitama has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. They say Saitama has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Stephen Curry, this big-name player, operates off the pick and roll with an alley-oop! Clinic!

LeBron James and the starters head to the bench! Job done, game over!

LeBron James, this living legend, accidentally chest-bumps the ref! Excuse me sir!

Stephen Curry with the ice-cold stare at the opposing bench after the and-one! This established star is fired up!

Saitama finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a superhero would be proud of!

Stephen Curry and LeBron James lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

124-82 (W)

Saitama checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

LeBron James with the tough finger roll through contact! This all-time great won't be denied!

Goku, this all-around player, drops the dime! A gym-rat work ethic passing on display!

Saitama, this all-around player, glides on the low block for a silky reverse layup!

This certified bucket Stephen Curry with the no-foul contest on the low block! Clean as a whistle!

End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: LeBron James was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Saitama converts in the paint! A floater with trademark a killer instinct!

LeBron James, this long boy, makes it look like practice! Total domination!

Saitama keeps their bare hands in their locker for good luck! The superhero charm!

LeBron James lets out a roar! The emotion is real! A primal scream!

Stephen Curry can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!

Michael Jordan and Stephen Curry pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

106-89 (W)

This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

LeBron James goes coast to coast for a thunderous slam! This absolute legend is relentless!

LeBron James with the huge clutch steal along the baseline! This first-ballot legend says no!

This household name LeBron James leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!

Saitama overloads one side! Loading up with superhero strategy!

Halftime! Saitama is limping slightly heading off the court. True story: Saitama walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Phoenix No-Defense. Awkward. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Michael Jordan scores with natural-born leadership. A buzzer beater back to the basket! Too smooth!

The building is buzzing! Goku and a sold-out gym on fire creating magic!

Saitama tips the rebound to a teammate! Selfless play from this superhero!

The legend of LeBron James grows! This all-time great adding another chapter facing the rim!

That's the game! Stephen Curry finishes with a monster performance! This established star victorious!

LeBron James points both hands at the sky. Michael Jordan points at LeBron James. Goku points at the exit. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

112-104 (W)

LeBron James, this beanpole, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!

Saitama scores again! When you're a superhero by trade, the ball is child's play!

Goku, this big-name player, walls up at the buzzer! Impenetrable defense!

This big-name player Goku with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!

Saitama goes small-ball! Adapting like a superhero who reads the room!

Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: LeBron James was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan capitalizes from mid-range! A pull-up jumper with a gym-rat work ethic!

Michael Jordan, this big fella, basks in a Finals-like atmosphere! This is home!

Stephen Curry sacrifices the body taking the charge! This certified bucket ultimate teammate!

This game belongs to Michael Jordan! This hall-of-fame lock stamping authority along the baseline!

Goku punches the air at game's end! Victory! The farmer did it!

LeBron James launches his shoe into the air. Goku catches it. Standing ovation. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

129-84 (W)

This generational talent LeBron James comes out firing! A buzzer beater in the first minute!

Saitama, this do-it-all player, dominates on the low block and puts up a fadeaway jumper! Unstoppable!

This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan orchestrates the offense under the basket! Maestro!

Saitama turns beyond the arc into a workshop. A finger roll crafted with their bare hands!

This newcomer Saitama reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!

Break. Saitama collapses next to the vending machine. Small detail: Saitama whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan erupts for an alley-oop! The floodgates are open!

Goku empties the bench! Everyone gets a shift, the farmer way!

Saitama just organized the bench! Can't take the superhero out of them!

Goku, this All-Star caliber talent, with the primal scream! A slide across the hardwood! Raw emotion!

Goku exits to a standing ovation! The farmer with the seed dibber earns it!

Saitama and Michael Jordan freestyle a victory rap. Stephen Curry does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

117-106 (W)

Michael Jordan, this generational talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!

Saitama hits the triple! Three lengths ahead, three cheers for this superhero turned baller!

Michael Jordan a monster swat with authority! This walking skyscraper protecting the paint!

Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, finds the trailer! A double-clutch layup off the assist, easy money!

Goku with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic farmer misdirection!

Break. Stephen Curry collapses next to the vending machine. Physio's confession: Stephen Curry purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Saitama dunks and delivers a buzzer-beater! Their bare hands by day, buckets by night!

This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan has the arena rocking! An electric crowd off the charts!

Saitama sets the perfect screen! Built like a superhero who doesn't skip leg day!

This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan turns adversity into fuel! A highlight-reel play energy!

Stephen Curry, this tweener, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!

Stephen Curry grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Michael Jordan applauds. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

99-100 (L)

Saitama wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!

Michael Jordan with another layup! You can't stop this man!

Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!

Goku with the contested bank shot from downtown! No good! Bad selection!

Goku closes the gap! Same focus as when they're working with the seed dibber!

Time to breathe. LeBron James has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: LeBron James tried to impress the Houston Blast-Off players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

This global icon Michael Jordan gets the look but can't convert! Heavy feet at the worst time!

Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!

Goku's transformation from farmer to athlete is this regular-season contest's best story!

Stephen Curry takes off and bricks it! Ego the size of Texas in the closing moments!

This household name LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.

Michael Jordan and LeBron James share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

120-80 (W)

The game begins and Michael Jordan is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over his face!

Stephen Curry crosses over the rock with flair and hits a reverse layup! Sensational!

LeBron James drives and creates! Another assist off the pick and roll! Quarterback!

Michael Jordan with the and-one buzzer-beater! An off-the-charts basketball IQ through the whistle!

Saitama slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Next-level basketball IQ in every step!

First half is done. Stephen Curry is chugging Gatorade like it's water. True story: Stephen Curry walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

LeBron James with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for an off-balance shot!

This certified bucket Goku puts the exclamation point! A scoop layup under the basket!

Michael Jordan takes off the wrong way on offense! This hall-of-fame lock needs a GPS!

Michael Jordan pumps the fist! This basketball god feeling it at the top of the key! A hug with the coach!

Saitama, this newcomer, with the post-game interview smile! Freakish explosiveness all night!

Goku jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. Tonight I had a revelation: Stephen Curry runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

111-112 (L)

Goku takes the court to a hostile crowd! The farmer with the seed dibber is here!

This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry converts under the basket! An off-balance shot right on cue!

LeBron James scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!

LeBron James gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!

Michael Jordan converts the and-one! A reverse layup! This living legend won't go quietly!

Break! Saitama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Saitama asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Saitama can't hit the go-ahead! Occasional mental lapses when the lights are brightest!

Michael Jordan lets fly the towel! This franchise cornerstone showing tendency to force bad shots!

The emotion is real as Goku the farmer delivers their best with the seed dibber!

Stephen Curry misses in the clutch! A buzzer-beater off the mark in the closing moments!

Saitama walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to superhero life tomorrow!

Michael Jordan unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Saitama runs a hand down his face. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

107-112 (L)

Saitama fires up the crowd to open the game! This newcomer starting strong!

Goku converts the and-one! Tough as cultivating the stubborn soil all day!

LeBron James falls asleep on the weak side! Ego the size of Texas exposed!

Michael Jordan, this global icon, with the shot-clock heave! No good from the left corner!

This total unknown Saitama rallies the troops! The team feeds off freakish explosiveness!

Off to the locker room. Stephen Curry has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Stephen Curry does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Saitama throws it away with the game on the line! Sometimes predictable game!

This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

From humble the stubborn soil beginnings, Goku rises at the gymnasium!

Saitama gets called for the foul! Clumsy as a superhero with the game at closing time!

This living legend Michael Jordan congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this living legend.

LeBron James bites the inside of his cheek. Michael Jordan pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

121-103 (W)

Michael Jordan opens with a fadeaway jumper! This potential GOAT making an early statement!

This franchise guy Stephen Curry is automatic on the low block! A two-handed slam drops again!

This multi-time All-Star Goku comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!

Stephen Curry explodes into the lane and kicks out! Next-level basketball IQ and great decision-making!

Goku makes the hockey pass! Insane court vision finding the extra pass!

That's a wrap for now. LeBron James dives into the tunnel. They say LeBron James has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Stephen Curry drains a double-clutch layup from way beyond the arc! Textbook eyes in the back of the head!

A Playoff atmosphere fills the arena! This top-tier talent Stephen Curry feeds off the energy!

Goku, this smooth operator, boxes out for the teammate! This headliner doing the dirty work!

Stephen Curry, this elite player, has the intangibles! Next-level basketball IQ beyond the stats!

Stephen Curry shoots into the tunnel with the W! This headliner all smiles!

LeBron James cries tears of joy in Michael Jordan's arms. Goku is also crying but nobody knows why. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

114-103 (W)

Goku, this established star, draws first blood! A double-clutch layup to start!

Michael Jordan penetrates the leather with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!

Michael Jordan, this colossus, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a charge taken!

LeBron James with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!

Goku reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this farmer!

Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: LeBron James threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Goku scoops it up and in! The touch of a farmer with the stubborn soil!

What a standing ovation! LeBron James and the fans creating a spectacle!

This max-contract guy Goku claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this max-contract guy!

Stephen Curry goes to work with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!

Goku fires away to the crowd! A fist pump toward the bench! This All-Star caliber talent gave everything!

Goku and Saitama pretend to fish Michael Jordan out of the crowd. They pull hard. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

99-107 (L)

Goku, this jersey-selling name, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!

Goku rattles in and out! The stubborn soil never teases a farmer like that!

Stephen Curry dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!

Michael Jordan, this big fella, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!

Goku hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a farmer lifting the seed dibber!

Break. Stephen Curry asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Stephen Curry tried to impress the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Michael Jordan slams the ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!

Goku bricks another one! Building something awful with the seed dibber tonight!

Goku adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran farmer!

Michael Jordan, this titan, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!

Goku tips the cap to the winners! The farmer's grace with the stubborn soil!

Goku walks head down toward the tunnel. Michael Jordan drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

-11 ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Stephen Curry.

🏀
#5
Rank
11W-4L
Record
+253
+/-
427
Team Score
127.1M$
Salary
Stephen Curry
MVP

Season Journal

Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... -11!

Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Stephen Curry on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 188 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.

The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.

The chef's surprise of the evening is Saitama. A superhero by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.

The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.

🏆

-11 ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Stephen Curry.

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