My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | My Team | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Yao Ming. Standing at 229 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Homer Simpson. Profession? Farmer. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with seed dibber, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into stubborn soil could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget here is absolutely insane, we're talking stratosphere money. This is Warriors and Suns territory. These guys are so loaded they've triggered the Second Apron: the league literally forbids them from signing free agents or combining salaries in trades. They have zero flexibility, handcuffed by their own damn wealth. It's "championship or crash and burn," no in-between.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-107 (L)
Homer Simpson huddles with the team! Huddling up, the farmer strategizes!
Homer Simpson just barely misses! Close as a farmer getting the stubborn soil almost right!
Millie Bobby Brown loses possession! The risky picture never leaves a film producer's hands like that!
Yao Ming, this titan, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Homer Simpson hooks it in! The arc of a farmer swinging the seed dibber!
Time to breathe. Millie Bobby Brown has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Millie Bobby Brown tried to bribe the DJ to play her song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Yao Ming, this tree of a man, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Millie Bobby Brown bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Millie Bobby Brown sets the screen with precision worthy of their loaded checkbook! Tactical genius!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
Homer Simpson looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a farmer!
Homer Simpson's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Millie Bobby Brown hides her eyes under a towel. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
112-81 (W)
Yao Ming, this giant, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
This All-Star caliber talent Yao Ming converts on the low block! A finger roll right on cue!
Millie Bobby Brown, this elusive guard, runs the offense with iron discipline! Beautiful passing!
Homer Simpson, this combo guard, posts up and delivers a double-clutch layup! Textbook!
Homer Simpson anticipates perfectly! A farmer who always sees it coming!
Into the tunnel. Yao Ming grabs a banana on the way and devours it. I've been told Yao Ming once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Kobe Bryant goes coast to coast for a step-back three! This potential GOAT is relentless!
Millie Bobby Brown with the dagger in the blowout! Overkill! The film producer showed no mercy!
Michael Jordan high-fives nobody! This guy with rings on every finger left hanging back to the basket! Brutal!
Yao Ming, this reliable star, with the signature slide across the hardwood! The fans love it!
This certified bucket Millie Bobby Brown caps off a special night! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Until next time!
Millie Bobby Brown mimes popping a champagne bottle. Kobe Bryant mimes chugging straight from it. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
128-83 (W)
Millie Bobby Brown steps onto the venue! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Michael Jordan strings together a sky hook driving to the hoop. Insane court vision on full display!
Michael Jordan quarter-backs the possession! Assist for a floater! What a pass!
Kobe Bryant explodes through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Homer Simpson holds the line in the three-point line! The discipline of a farmer with the seed dibber!
The players file out. Millie Bobby Brown exchanges a tense look with the coach. Small detail: Millie Bobby Brown whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Yao Ming, this certified bucket, unleashes a free throw at half court! Bang!
Kobe Bryant, this household name, with the dagger and then some! A buzzer beater!
Millie Bobby Brown high-fived a teammate with their loaded checkbook still in hand! Ouch!
Yao Ming rises up and celebrates! A raised fist under the basket! The crowd erupts!
Game over! Millie Bobby Brown proved a film producer belongs on the den with their loaded checkbook!
Millie Bobby Brown launches her shoe into the air. Homer Simpson catches it. Standing ovation. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
117-81 (W)
Homer Simpson lands the first sky hook! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
Millie Bobby Brown pulls up and drills a free throw! Can't teach that!
Yao Ming goes to work and creates! Another assist off the pick and roll! Quarterback!
Yao Ming knocks down a free throw driving to the hoop! Ice in the veins!
Millie Bobby Brown closes out perfectly! Precise as greenlighting the risky picture!
Break! Homer Simpson heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Homer Simpson is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Kobe Bryant hits a hook shot! Unreal swagger proving to be the difference tonight!
Kobe Bryant piles it on! A fadeaway jumper extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
Homer Simpson treated the water break like the stubborn soil maintenance break! Efficient!
Kobe Bryant slides across the floor! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd from downtown! Entertainment!
Yao Ming drives in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Millie Bobby Brown does a cartwheel at center court. Kobe Bryant tries one too and eats it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
129-84 (W)
This guy everybody knows Yao Ming means business! Fast start under the basket!
Millie Bobby Brown treats the Wilson like the risky picture and sinks it. Easy as pie for a film producer!
Yao Ming, this tree of a man, drops the dime! Eyes in the back of the head passing on display!
Yao Ming launches to the rack for an alley-oop! Can't contain this towering presence!
Millie Bobby Brown with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Cut! Halftime. Yao Ming's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: Yao Ming tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Homer Simpson with the highlight-reel sky hook! This certified GOAT candidate owning the moment!
Michael Jordan spins and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Millie Bobby Brown offered to fix the arena's the risky picture! Above and beyond!
Michael Jordan with the salute to the fans after the and-one! This all-time great is fired up!
Kobe Bryant can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Yao Ming rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Homer Simpson does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
102-94 (W)
This franchise cornerstone Kobe Bryant opens the scoring! A layup! Early advantage!
Homer Simpson scores again! When you're a farmer by trade, the ball is child's play!
Homer Simpson with a charge taken to save the possession! The seed dibber to the rescue!
Kobe Bryant threads the needle! Beautiful assist from mid-range! Unreal court vision!
Millie Bobby Brown steps back the ball out of the trap! Night-in night-out consistency under pressure!
Break! Homer Simpson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Homer Simpson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Yao Ming scores with iron discipline. A finger roll at half court! Too smooth!
The entire arena rises for Millie Bobby Brown! A film producer lifted by their loaded checkbook and love!
This world-class player Yao Ming swings the Wilson around! A gym-rat work ethic ball movement!
This will be talked about for years! Michael Jordan with a pull-up jumper! Iconic!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan walks off to a standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire! Incredible!
Michael Jordan does a backflip. Well, he tries. Homer Simpson applauds the effort. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
124-79 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater along the baseline!
Yao Ming explodes the rock beautifully for a devastating dunk! What touch!
This big-name player Yao Ming turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Michael Jordan rises up the ball into a tear drop! Eyes in the back of the head shining through!
Homer Simpson steals the ball! Quick hands from cultivating the stubborn soil all day!
The players head to the locker room. Homer Simpson is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Homer Simpson slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant does it again! A half-court heave with effortless precision!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan puts the exclamation point! A sky hook on the low block!
Kobe Bryant, this basketball god, sneezes mid-free throw! Bless you and miss!
Homer Simpson mimes cultivating after scoring! The crowd loves it!
Kobe Bryant, this towering presence, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Homer Simpson does a backflip. Well, he tries. Michael Jordan applauds the effort. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
133-87 (W)
Yao Ming shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this headliner!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant erupts for a reverse layup! The floodgates are open!
Yao Ming pinpoints the pass on the low block! Another assist for this established star!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, showcases freakish explosiveness with a gorgeous off-balance shot!
Yao Ming a left-handed block and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Halftime whistle. Yao Ming flops into the first available chair. Exclusive: Yao Ming was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
A reverse layup from downtown by Kobe Bryant! This mammoth with the long range!
This established star Yao Ming breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, flexes after a missed shot! This once-in-a-lifetime player keeping it positive!
Yao Ming lets out a roar! The emotion is real! A hug with the coach!
Yao Ming, this tree of a man, salutes the faithful! A victory dance! What a night!
Kobe Bryant takes a bow for the crowd. Millie Bobby Brown bows to Kobe Bryant. The nobility of basketball. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
121-95 (W)
Tip-off! Kobe Bryant gets us started! Let's go!
An and-one from Kobe Bryant! That's freakish explosiveness at the highest level!
Yao Ming, this headliner, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Millie Bobby Brown reads the defense like a book! Assist from the right corner! Iron discipline!
Homer Simpson exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with the seed dibber acumen!
Break. Millie Bobby Brown asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Staff confession: Millie Bobby Brown is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Millie Bobby Brown with the smooth two-handed slam! This top-tier talent making it look easy!
Millie Bobby Brown, this headliner, plays to the crowd! A boiling cauldron is contagious!
Yao Ming, this 7-footer, anchors the second unit! This max-contract guy versatile contributor!
Homer Simpson plays with the stubborn soil on their mind and the pill in their hands!
That's the game! Michael Jordan finishes with a monster performance! This franchise cornerstone victorious!
Homer Simpson does a belly slide on the court. Michael Jordan does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. Evening confession: I'm wearing Homer Simpson's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
99-94 (W)
Game time! Homer Simpson and this household name ready to put on a show at the gym!
Yao Ming answers back with a double-clutch layup! An unmatched feel for the game under pressure!
Michael Jordan with the full-court pressure! This undisputed superstar making them uncomfortable!
Millie Bobby Brown racks up another assist! Dishing like a film producer who knows where everything goes!
Homer Simpson, this versatile guy, exploits the mismatch at the buzzer! Smart play!
Back to the locker room. Homer Simpson's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive info: Homer Simpson is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Yao Ming, this jersey-selling name, drops an and-one at half court! Pure artistry!
The arena is electric! This guy everybody knows Yao Ming thriving in an electric crowd!
Homer Simpson sprints back on defense! This once-in-a-lifetime player leading by example!
Remember this moment! Michael Jordan is making history with an and-one!
Homer Simpson finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a farmer would be proud of!
Millie Bobby Brown charges toward the crowd. Kobe Bryant catches her just before she dives into the stands. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
115-104 (W)
Yao Ming takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
A double-clutch layup from Yao Ming! Another dagger! This max-contract guy closing the door!
Homer Simpson with a defensive stop! The reflexes of a farmer catching the stubborn soil!
Michael Jordan spins into the lane and kicks out! Iron discipline and great decision-making!
Homer Simpson executes a quick ball-movement offense perfectly! Precision learned as a farmer!
Halftime. Michael Jordan's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Michael Jordan tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This first-ballot legend Homer Simpson punishes the defense with a layup on the low block!
This certified bucket Millie Bobby Brown silences the hostile crowd! An electric crowd shifts!
Homer Simpson makes the extra pass! This once-in-a-lifetime player hockey assist for a buzzer-beater!
Homer Simpson channels their inner farmer,cultivating the stubborn soil made these hands!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, with the post-game interview smile! Eyes in the back of the head all night!
Kobe Bryant rips the net off the rim. Michael Jordan wraps it around his neck like a scarf. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
111-101 (W)
Michael Jordan crosses over into position! This basketball god not wasting any time!
Michael Jordan converts a tough buzzer-beater off the pick and roll! Skill level: elite!
This All-Star caliber talent Millie Bobby Brown takes the charge facing the rim! Gutsy play!
This all-time great Kobe Bryant leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Yao Ming slows the pace when the team needs it! This headliner tempo control!
Halftime whistle. Homer Simpson spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Homer Simpson entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This generational talent Homer Simpson finishes with authority! A fadeaway jumper facing the rim!
Yao Ming soaks in a standing ovation! This world-class player living for these moments!
Yao Ming takes off the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan is living their best moment right now in the paint!
Homer Simpson grabs the game ball! This franchise cornerstone earned it tonight!
Yao Ming and Homer Simpson run circles around Michael Jordan who doesn't move. Zen. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
112-104 (W)
Homer Simpson stretches center court! Loosening up, the farmer is getting ready!
Yao Ming pulls up and it's a euro-step! This world-class player proving the doubters wrong!
Homer Simpson locks down the key! Fortified with the seed dibber!
Yao Ming, this mammoth, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant sets the back screen! Iron discipline off-ball contribution!
Halftime. Michael Jordan's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: Michael Jordan collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Yao Ming, this big fella, elevates for a monster catch-and-shoot triple!
The energy in this building is unreal! Homer Simpson channeling a standing ovation!
Millie Bobby Brown picks up the assignment! Locked in, the film producer accepts the mission!
Tears in the crowd as Millie Bobby Brown, the humble film producer, delivers at after a timeout!
Homer Simpson wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: the seed dibber and the pill!
Yao Ming does the robot at center court while Homer Simpson pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
111-100 (W)
Millie Bobby Brown wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Kobe Bryant with the tough half-court heave through contact! This household name won't be denied!
Michael Jordan slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Night-in night-out consistency in every step!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan zips the pass through! Another dime from this beanpole!
This multi-time All-Star Yao Ming uses the floater over this big fella coverage! Smart!
Halftime! Homer Simpson has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Homer Simpson once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Kobe Bryant with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for a buzzer-beater!
Yao Ming pulls up and the noise is deafening! A cathedral silence! Wow!
This bonafide star Yao Ming celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
This jersey-selling name Millie Bobby Brown with a performance for the ages! A career-defining moment chapter!
Homer Simpson closes the show! Curtain call for the farmer with the stubborn soil!
Homer Simpson and Millie Bobby Brown lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
112-88 (W)
Michael Jordan, this tower, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Homer Simpson with an incredible tear drop from the right corner! Standing ovation!
Homer Simpson blankets the shooter! Covering them with the seed dibber thoroughness!
Kobe Bryant with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Millie Bobby Brown changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a film producer!
Halftime whistle. Millie Bobby Brown high-fives her teammates on the way out. Physio's confession: Millie Bobby Brown purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Millie Bobby Brown, this pint-sized baller, uses every inch to deliver a finger roll!
The crowd waves the seed dibber replicas! Homer Simpson has started a movement!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, holds the team together with next-level basketball IQ! Captain!
Millie Bobby Brown, the film producer from the day shift, is writing their story on the hardwood tonight!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Michael Jordan takes a bow for the crowd. Kobe Bryant bows to Michael Jordan. The nobility of basketball. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Kobe Bryant. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
My Team finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: Yao Ming!
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Yao Ming. Standing at 229 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Homer Simpson. Profession? Farmer. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with seed dibber, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into stubborn soil could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
The budget here is absolutely insane, we're talking stratosphere money. This is Warriors and Suns territory. These guys are so loaded they've triggered the Second Apron: the league literally forbids them from signing free agents or combining salaries in trades. They have zero flexibility, handcuffed by their own damn wealth. It's "championship or crash and burn," no in-between.
My Team finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: Yao Ming!
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