My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Harry Potter. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
84-128 (L)
Thomas Jefferson checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Thomas Jefferson lets fly the pill into nothing! Heavy feet on full display tonight!
Albert Einstein throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Harry Potter left in the dust! Even a military personnel moves faster than that!
Harry Potter drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a military personnel's spirit has limits!
End of the first act. Albert Einstein is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know Albert Einstein started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Thomas Jefferson misses the layup! Even the status quo would have gone in easier!
George Washington stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ loses the Wilson! A messiah would never be this careless!
Albert Einstein glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
Thomas Jefferson packs up and heads out! Packing their prototype sketch, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Harry Potter has his head in his hands. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-107 (L)
Harry Potter gets the starting nod! A military personnel starting with their service rifle confidence!
This absolute legend Albert Einstein shanks a layup from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Harry Potter takes off into a dead end at the buzzer! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Thomas Jefferson lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this living legend fooled!
Harry Potter, this versatile guy, takes over at half court. A tear drop! That's elite!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
George Washington throws their hands up! Like a farmer when the seed dibber breaks!
George Washington can't finish! The farmer who finishes the stubborn soil can't finish the play!
Harry Potter, this combo guard, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
George Washington short-arms the shot from fatigue! This all-time great has nothing left!
Harry Potter sits alone on the bench. This guy nobody was talking about processing the defeat.
Harry Potter stares at the floor while Thomas Jefferson mutters something inaudible under his breath. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Harry Potter's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
76-114 (L)
Thomas Jefferson locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an inventor who means business!
This hall-of-fame lock Albert Einstein short-arms a buzzer beater in transition! Not enough lift!
This first-ballot legend Thomas Jefferson commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Thomas Jefferson watches them score! Just watching, like watching their prototype sketch gather dust!
George Washington glares at the rock! Like it personally betrayed this farmer!
Halftime whistle! Harry Potter grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Small detail: Harry Potter whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Thomas Jefferson lets fly but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
George Washington is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again at the buzzer!
Harry Potter, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
George Washington reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
George Washington and Jesus Christ share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce George Washington's name. Forgive me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
102-122 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Harry Potter with a rough double-clutch layup from mid-range! Hot head at the worst time!
Stolen from Albert Einstein! An inventor who let it slip through their fingers!
Harry Potter bites on the fake! Fooled like a military personnel by counterfeit the frontline!
A pull-up jumper from Jesus Christ! This hall-of-fame lock is putting on a show tonight!
Halftime. Albert Einstein glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Intel: Albert Einstein asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Harry Potter vents at their teammates! The military personnel who vents about the frontline!
Thomas Jefferson dribbles but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
George Washington manages the clock! Time management of a farmer who never misses a deadline!
Thomas Jefferson bends over during the dead ball! This household name gathering what's left!
Thomas Jefferson sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an inventor after their prototype sketch broke!
Jesus Christ claps his hands in frustration. George Washington clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-129 (L)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Thomas Jefferson forces a bank shot from way beyond the arc! This franchise cornerstone trying too hard!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
This global icon Albert Einstein can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Occasional mental lapses!
Thomas Jefferson looks to the heavens! An inventor praying for their prototype sketch to work!
Break. Harry Potter collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Harry Potter is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Air ball from Harry Potter! Being a military personnel doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This generational talent bent over at half court! Hot head catching up!
Harry Potter with the backcourt violation! A military personnel going backwards with the frontline!
This generational talent Albert Einstein slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Harry Potter penetrates past the media. This hidden prospect not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. George Washington winces. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-122 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy with rings on every finger brings!
Jesus Christ short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
Harry Potter, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Jesus Christ gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Albert Einstein picks up the second technical! This undisputed superstar ejected! Lack of consistency!
Well-deserved break. George Washington looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Intel: George Washington refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
George Washington whiffs on the jumper! A farmer off their game with the seed dibber!
Thomas Jefferson, this basketball god, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Harry Potter, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Thomas Jefferson fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the inventor gave everything!
Jesus Christ mutters 'damn' under his breath. George Washington says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight I had a revelation: George Washington runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-119 (L)
George Washington, this once-in-a-lifetime player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Off the mark for Jesus Christ! Great messiah, not so great at basketball tonight!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Harry Potter gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
George Washington gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
The players file out. George Washington exchanges a tense look with the coach. Locker room anecdote: George Washington talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Harry Potter misses! Even a military personnel can't fix that shot!
Albert Einstein is spent! Used up like the status quo after an inventor's long day!
Albert Einstein with a wild pass that sails out! This living legend giving it away!
Harry Potter stares in disbelief! The look of a military personnel who just lost everything!
Albert Einstein walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to inventor life tomorrow!
Harry Potter slams his fist on the bench. Albert Einstein places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-129 (L)
George Washington lands the first free throw! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
Harry Potter with the off-balance reverse layup! This who-is-this-guy player couldn't set the feet!
Thomas Jefferson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the status quo!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
George Washington, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Halftime! Thomas Jefferson has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know? Thomas Jefferson has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Harry Potter shanks it from the free-throw line! Defending the frontline uses different muscles!
Thomas Jefferson tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an inventor's energy for the status quo!
Albert Einstein gets the ball stripped! The status quo would have stayed in an inventor's grip!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Despite the loss, Harry Potter held their own with the frontline! The military personnel fought!
Thomas Jefferson lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. George Washington decides not to comment. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-118 (L)
Thomas Jefferson lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This once-in-a-lifetime player locked in!
Albert Einstein, this smooth operator, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
Turnover by George Washington! Cultivating the stubborn soil requires less coordination, clearly!
George Washington beaten to the spot! Slower than a farmer on a Monday morning!
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This undisputed superstar wearing it on the sleeve!
Halftime. Thomas Jefferson's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: Thomas Jefferson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Thomas Jefferson misfires on the floater! Too much float, the inventor touch abandoned them!
George Washington, this scrappy guard, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jesus Christ coughs it up! A messiah's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Albert Einstein storms to the bench! Heated! This inventor doesn't handle losing well!
This dude out of nowhere Harry Potter stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this dude out of nowhere wanted.
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. George Washington decides not to comment. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
This potential GOAT Thomas Jefferson comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater from way beyond the arc!
George Washington can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Thomas Jefferson gets picked! An inventor getting the status quo stolen in broad daylight!
George Washington caught flat-footed! Standing still, the farmer reflexes took a nap!
George Washington sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a farmer after a long shift!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! George Washington walks head down toward the tunnel. Word is George Washington sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Brick! Albert Einstein misfires from the left corner! Limited stamina at the worst time!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
George Washington, this undersized spark plug, fumbles the entry pass at half court!
George Washington drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Thomas Jefferson shakes hands through the pain! An inventor who respects their prototype sketch and the game!
Albert Einstein clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Harry Potter fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned that Albert Einstein's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Harry Potter dribbles and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ loses concentration and the basketball with it!
George Washington gets posted up and scored on! This global icon overpowered!
Thomas Jefferson mutters to himself walking back! This undisputed superstar fighting inner demons!
Halftime. The doctor examines Albert Einstein's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Albert Einstein knits to unwind? Made a scarf in New York Over-Timers's colors. By accident, obviously. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
George Washington, this miniature missile, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Albert Einstein misses from fatigue! Tired arms from revolutionizing the status quo all week!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Harry Potter storms to the bench! This hungry young player is visibly upset!
Albert Einstein walks off in silence. This generational talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Albert Einstein leaves the court at a jog. Jesus Christ stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-131 (L)
Albert Einstein starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way an inventor plays with their prototype sketch!
Thomas Jefferson takes a tough sky hook and it doesn't go! Tendency to force bad shots in shot selection!
Harry Potter dishes into a trap! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the defense!
Thomas Jefferson watches helplessly! An inventor watching the status quo fall off the shelf!
George Washington buries their face! Hidden from view, the farmer can't watch!
Break time. George Washington bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: George Washington fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A devastating dunk from George Washington sails wide! This first-ballot legend needs to regroup!
Jesus Christ cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the rock double duty!
Albert Einstein charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
Albert Einstein takes off and kicks the stanchion! This franchise cornerstone losing composure!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
George Washington walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Harry Potter speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
73-118 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Thomas Jefferson bricks another one! Building something awful with their prototype sketch tonight!
Harry Potter spins the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this rising star!
This living legend Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Harry Potter, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Break. Albert Einstein asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Small detail: Albert Einstein whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This basketball god Jesus Christ misses the mark! A bucket goes begging off the pick and roll!
Jesus Christ plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
George Washington, this generational talent, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Jesus Christ absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a messiah knows tough days!
Harry Potter whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Albert Einstein nods without conviction. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Albert Einstein. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-121 (L)
Jesus Christ looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
Jesus Christ misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Thomas Jefferson turns it over on the decisive possession! An inventor dropping their prototype sketch at the worst time!
Harry Potter, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
Break! Albert Einstein heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Albert Einstein was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Albert Einstein misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the status quo!
Harry Potter soldiers on! The soldier who defends the frontline with their service rifle!
Thomas Jefferson, this combo guard, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
Harry Potter can't hide the frustration! Their service rifle frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
George Washington tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we cultivates better, like the stubborn soil!'
Harry Potter's eyes are glassy. Thomas Jefferson mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Thomas Jefferson. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
George Washington fades away the ball right into the defender's hands! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ loses the ball in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
This guy with rings on every finger George Washington bites on the fake! Beaten from the right corner!
This newcomer Harry Potter stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The players disappear into the tunnel. George Washington asks for an ice pack. Physio's confession: George Washington purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Albert Einstein can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the basketball differently than the status quo!
Harry Potter goes to work sluggishly! Tendency to rush catching up with this surprise package!
Jesus Christ tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Hot head in the decision-making!
Albert Einstein slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an inventor hits the workbench!
Harry Potter, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Harry Potter unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Jesus Christ runs a hand down his face. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Harry Potter.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Harry Potter. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Harry Potter.
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