My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jesus Christ. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. A freaking messiah. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-134 (L)
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
J. D. Vance with a wild attempt! This guy with rings on every finger not finding the range tonight!
Barack Obama loses the leather! A community organizer would never be this careless!
J. D. Vance lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this potential GOAT fooled!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
The players leave the court. Charlie Kirk clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Charlie Kirk plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Charlie Kirk rushes a buzzer-beater on the low block! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Charlie Kirk drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Martin Luther King with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost civil rights activist!
J. D. Vance drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
Martin Luther King sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Martin Luther King stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. J. D. Vance exhales. Again. And again. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-101 (L)
Opening possession for Barack Obama! First touch, like first touch of their bullhorn!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, can't finish in transition! That one stings!
Charlie Kirk double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Barack Obama, this undisputed superstar, with the exclamation-point deep three! Game changer!
First half is done. J. D. Vance is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Confession: J. D. Vance believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Charlie Kirk misses the open look! This certified GOAT candidate can't believe it! Heavy feet!
Charlie Kirk schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true conspiracy theorist!
Charlie Kirk calls for the sub! Even a conspiracy theorist's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Martin Luther King walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to civil rights activist life tomorrow!
Barack Obama takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
115-106 (W)
J. D. Vance posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this undisputed superstar!
Martin Luther King scores at will! A finger roll at the buzzer! This guy with rings on every finger domination!
Charlie Kirk with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a conspiracy theorist finding the game!
Jesus Christ with the touch pass! This potential GOAT barely had the pill and found the man!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Halftime whistle. Martin Luther King spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Martin Luther King slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Barack Obama sinks it from along the baseline. A community organizer never misses the neighborhood, and never misses the hoop!
The arena buzzes for Charlie Kirk! A conspiracy theorist who electrifies wherever they go!
Charlie Kirk plugs the gap! Plugging holes with conspiracy theorist efficiency!
A narrative for the ages: Jesus Christ, the messiah who mastered their bare hands and the Spalding!
Martin Luther King, this guy with rings on every finger, with the post-game interview smile! Unreal swagger all night!
Barack Obama slides across the court in his socks while Charlie Kirk splashes water on everyone. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
110-113 (L)
And we're underway! Barack Obama touches the rock first! This global icon looks eager!
Martin Luther King scores with insane court vision. A pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! Too smooth!
Martin Luther King gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
This living legend Barack Obama puts up a hook shot but it won't fall! Off night!
Charlie Kirk digs deep for the comeback! Deep as a conspiracy theorist digs into their best work!
Halftime whistle. Barack Obama flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Barack Obama tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
J. D. Vance can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their bare hands vision failing!
Charlie Kirk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a conspiracy theorist hits the workbench!
The legend of Charlie Kirk grows! This household name adding another chapter facing the rim!
Martin Luther King airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
J. D. Vance takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad skier day!
Barack Obama shakes Charlie Kirk's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
95-119 (L)
Jesus Christ crosses over into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
J. D. Vance can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a skier always hits!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Martin Luther King gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ with a beautiful and-one back to the basket! Poetry in motion!
Halftime! Martin Luther King is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Martin Luther King entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Barack Obama misfires off the pick and roll! This franchise cornerstone searching for answers!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, exploits the mismatch from mid-range! Smart play!
This guy with rings on every finger Charlie Kirk can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
Charlie Kirk walks off in defeat! Even a conspiracy theorist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ and Barack Obama walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-98 (W)
J. D. Vance, this all-time great, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Martin Luther King scores the go-ahead! A civil rights activist who always finishes the job on time!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, covers ground to get the drawn charge! Wow!
Barack Obama orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran community organizer!
Martin Luther King adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran civil rights activist!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Staff confession: Jesus Christ is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
J. D. Vance nails an alley-oop from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
This all-time great J. D. Vance gets the crowd into it! A Finals-like atmosphere at fever pitch!
Jesus Christ glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure messiah instinct!
The crowd chants for J. D. Vance! The skier who became a legend at the gym!
Martin Luther King reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of a civil rights activist after a big day!
J. D. Vance charges toward the crowd. Jesus Christ catches him just before he dives into the stands. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
110-111 (L)
Barack Obama huddles with the team! Huddling up, the community organizer strategizes!
Charlie Kirk makes it look easy! As easy as a conspiracy theorist competing the game!
Martin Luther King beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a civil rights activist!
Jesus Christ spins the Spalding into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Charlie Kirk keeps the faith! The faith of a conspiracy theorist in the game!
Break. Barack Obama collapses next to the vending machine. True story: Barack Obama walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Charlie Kirk called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the game shame!
Charlie Kirk walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
The announcers share Barack Obama's community organizer story,rallying the neighborhood since age 16!
Barack Obama throws it away with the game on the line! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Charlie Kirk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Barack Obama doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
101-106 (L)
The den welcomes Martin Luther King! The civil rights activist with the game has arrived!
Jesus Christ scoops it up and in! The touch of a messiah with the game!
Charlie Kirk loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
J. D. Vance, this smooth operator, gets stuffed trying a buzzer-beater! Denied!
J. D. Vance, this all-around player, blocks the shot and starts the break! Comeback!
Off to the locker room. Jesus Christ has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Jesus Christ once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Martin Luther King coughs it up with the game on the line! The game slipping away!
Martin Luther King shakes their head! A civil rights activist who can't believe that just happened!
This game belongs to Barack Obama! This certified GOAT candidate stamping authority off the pick and roll!
Barack Obama misses in the clutch! A free throw off the mark in the second half!
Barack Obama packs up and heads out! Packing their bullhorn, unpacking emotions!
Martin Luther King walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Barack Obama drags one foot after the other. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Barack Obama. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
107-106 (W)
J. D. Vance locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a skier who means business!
Martin Luther King shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a civil rights activist closing the game!
J. D. Vance throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
J. D. Vance drains it! Emptying the tank like a skier on double shift!
J. D. Vance sets the screen with precision worthy of their bare hands! Tactical genius!
Coach calls everyone back. J. D. Vance drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: J. D. Vance blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Charlie Kirk breaks the tie! A step-back three! This basketball god wants to be the hero!
This global icon Barack Obama reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
The crowd chants Charlie Kirk's name! A Playoff atmosphere for the conspiracy theorist with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, comes up big! A free throw in late in the quarter! Legend!
Jesus Christ leaves everything on the field house! Left it all out there tonight!
J. D. Vance and Jesus Christ carry Martin Luther King like a trophy across the entire court. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-109 (L)
This undisputed superstar Martin Luther King catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
J. D. Vance launches and misses! The orange isn't the game, and it shows!
J. D. Vance commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Charlie Kirk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the conspiracy theorist reflexes took a nap!
Charlie Kirk blows past through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime whistle. Martin Luther King has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Confession: Martin Luther King believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
J. D. Vance picks up the second technical! This guy with rings on every finger ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
J. D. Vance, this hall-of-fame lock, with a contested thunderous slam that misses back to the basket!
Martin Luther King spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Jesus Christ steps back but can't sustain the effort! Defense that's basically a suggestion emptying the tank!
Charlie Kirk had the chances but couldn't convert. This basketball god left wanting.
Martin Luther King chews his nails on the bench. J. D. Vance stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Martin Luther King's name. Forgive me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-103 (L)
Martin Luther King stretches center court! Loosening up, the civil rights activist is getting ready!
A two-handed slam from Barack Obama hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ with a wild pass that sails out! This global icon giving it away!
J. D. Vance fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a skier chasing the game!
Jesus Christ converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Rest. Martin Luther King buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Martin Luther King once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Charlie Kirk throws their hands up! Like a conspiracy theorist when their bare hands breaks!
Charlie Kirk air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple under the basket! Way off for this first-ballot legend!
Martin Luther King exploits the soft spot in the perimeter! Soft as the game under their bare hands!
Barack Obama is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure community organizer stubbornness!
J. D. Vance refuses to make excuses! A skier owns the game failures too!
J. D. Vance walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Barack Obama drags one foot after the other. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-119 (L)
Martin Luther King starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a civil rights activist plays with their bare hands!
J. D. Vance, this global icon, comes up empty! A bank shot off target from way beyond the arc!
J. D. Vance, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Barack Obama overcommits! Going all-in like a community organizer on the neighborhood, but wrong!
J. D. Vance kicks the air! The frustration of a skier who knows they can do better!
The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Martin Luther King misses! Even a civil rights activist can't fix that shot!
Jesus Christ gulps water! As thirsty as a messiah reaching for the game!
Barack Obama charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Charlie Kirk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a conspiracy theorist after their bare hands broke!
J. D. Vance is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Barack Obama waits at the tunnel entrance. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-118 (L)
Charlie Kirk steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!
J. D. Vance, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
This guy with rings on every finger Martin Luther King with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama picks up the cheap foul! Injury-prone body showing!
Barack Obama, this do-it-all player, glides at half court for a silky two-handed slam!
Halftime whistle! Charlie Kirk slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Charlie Kirk was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
J. D. Vance glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this skier!
Martin Luther King misfires from the left corner! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This guy with rings on every finger Martin Luther King adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
This franchise cornerstone Barack Obama can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Charlie Kirk reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Martin Luther King rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
Game time! J. D. Vance and this certified GOAT candidate ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Brick! Barack Obama misfires under the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Martin Luther King dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a civil rights activist like that!
Barack Obama gets caught flat-footed! This global icon beaten to the spot!
J. D. Vance fires away away from the huddle! This household name in a dark place mentally!
Break! Barack Obama takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Barack Obama threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
J. D. Vance forces a bad double-clutch layup! This guy with rings on every finger needs to trust teammates!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
Jesus Christ throws it into the stands! What was that from this first-ballot legend!
J. D. Vance dishes the towel! This household name showing tendency to force bad shots!
Martin Luther King walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Barack Obama refuses the coach's embrace. Martin Luther King accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-131 (L)
J. D. Vance wins the opening tip! Tipping off with skier energy!
J. D. Vance with a rough euro-step facing the rim! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Jesus Christ turns it over at coming out of the locker room! A messiah dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
J. D. Vance turns the head and loses the man! This potential GOAT napping defensively!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. Bus driver's confession: Jesus Christ raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
J. D. Vance can't score in crunch time! This skier is way off tonight!
Barack Obama waves for a timeout! The community organizer needs the neighborhood break!
Barack Obama with the careless pass! Rallying the neighborhood with more care, please!
Martin Luther King, this global icon, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to rush causing friction!
J. D. Vance leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a skier after the game setback!
J. D. Vance sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Charlie Kirk puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jesus Christ. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. A freaking messiah. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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