My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is William Howard Taft. Standing at 182 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Thérèse of Lisieux. Profession? Playwright. Yeah. The coach saw her on TV, called her agent (who didn't exist), and offered her a ten-day contract "to see." The girl showed up with their fountain pen, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At her first practice, she attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But she's got heart, the woman, and apparently the precision she puts into the gripping act could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
The field house welcomes Thérèse of Lisieux! The playwright with the gripping act has arrived!
William Howard Taft, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish in the paint! That one stings!
Thanos, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped under the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Thérèse of Lisieux overcommits! Going all-in like a playwright on the gripping act, but wrong!
William Howard Taft, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
Halftime whistle. Thanos flops into the first available chair. Staff confession: Thanos is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
William Howard Taft drives the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this all-time great!
This basketball god William Howard Taft has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This player nobody saw coming Thanos gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
Thérèse of Lisieux storms to the bench! Heated! This playwright doesn't handle losing well!
Johnny Tremain leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a silversmith after the sterling plate setback!
Johnny Tremain clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. William Howard Taft fidgets with his wristband nervously. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
80-125 (L)
William Howard Taft takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
Thérèse of Lisieux pulls up but overcooks it! Hot head showing up again!
Johnny Tremain with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
This total unknown Thanos caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
William Howard Taft shakes their head! A university professor who can't believe that just happened!
Break! Harry Potter grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Harry Potter tried to impress the Miami Heart-Attack players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Thérèse of Lisieux misses! Even a playwright can't fix that shot!
William Howard Taft tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a university professor's energy for the young scholars!
Thérèse of Lisieux pulls up the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hall-of-fame lock!
William Howard Taft gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Johnny Tremain takes the loss hard! Hard as the sterling plate on a bad silversmith day!
William Howard Taft sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Harry Potter puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-131 (L)
Harry Potter steps onto the venue! From competing the game to this, game time!
Thanos with a wild attempt! This rising star not finding the range tonight!
Thérèse of Lisieux with a wild pass that sails out! This absolute legend giving it away!
Johnny Tremain, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Johnny Tremain, this dude out of nowhere, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
The players disappear into the tunnel. William Howard Taft asks for an ice pack. Juicy intel: William Howard Taft turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Johnny Tremain, this newcomer, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
Thanos, this smooth operator, looks exhausted from mid-range! The legs are gone!
Thérèse of Lisieux dribbles it off their foot! Their fountain pen would never betray a playwright like that!
Harry Potter tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the juggler will bounce back!
William Howard Taft vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their lecture notes reinforced with the young scholars!
Harry Potter rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. William Howard Taft picks up his own and folds it carefully. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
82-126 (L)
Thanos, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Thanos, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild finger roll!
This who-is-this-guy player Thanos commits the offensive foul! Turnover from mid-range!
Harry Potter turns the head and loses the man! This guy with rings on every finger napping defensively!
Harry Potter sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a juggler after a long shift!
Players head to the locker room. William Howard Taft has tape on three fingers. Exclusive info: William Howard Taft is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Harry Potter can't convert! The juggler's touch with the game deserted them!
Johnny Tremain is gassed! More tired than after a full day of engraving the sterling plate!
This unknown gem Thanos with turnover number lengths ahead! Heavy feet is piling up!
Johnny Tremain slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a silversmith hits the workbench!
Thérèse of Lisieux walks off in defeat! Even a playwright's skills couldn't save tonight!
Thanos stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Johnny Tremain comes back to get him. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-124 (L)
Thanos shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this diamond in the rough!
Harry Potter can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this guy with rings on every finger!
Harry Potter passes to nobody! This certified GOAT candidate with a head-scratching decision!
Johnny Tremain, this swiss-army-knife type, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!
Johnny Tremain pours it in! A silversmith who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
Halftime! Harry Potter walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know Harry Potter entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This household name Harry Potter fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
This living legend Thérèse of Lisieux with a rare miss facing the rim! Even the best stumble!
This household name William Howard Taft sets the back screen! Night-in night-out consistency off-ball contribution!
Thérèse of Lisieux looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a playwright relieved of their fountain pen!
Johnny Tremain sits alone on the bench. This diamond in the rough processing the defeat.
Johnny Tremain mutters while walking out. Thérèse of Lisieux watches from the corner of her eye, worried. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
76-121 (L)
And we're underway! Thérèse of Lisieux touches the Wilson first! This all-time great looks eager!
William Howard Taft, this solid build, gets the look at the buzzer but the lid's on the rim!
Stolen from Thérèse of Lisieux! A playwright who let it slip through their fingers!
This dude out of nowhere Johnny Tremain misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Harry Potter walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Heading in. Thérèse of Lisieux's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Intel: Thérèse of Lisieux refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A buzzer beater from Harry Potter hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!
Thérèse of Lisieux is cramping up! This all-time great trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
Thanos with the backcourt violation! This who-is-this-guy player under too much pressure!
This living legend William Howard Taft can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
William Howard Taft looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a university professor!
Johnny Tremain's complexion is grey. Thérèse of Lisieux's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I got a text from Johnny Tremain after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-126 (L)
Johnny Tremain begins their shift on the temple of basketball! A silversmith starting the their chasing hammer shift!
Harry Potter misfires driving to the hoop! Even this basketball god has off nights!
Thanos, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
William Howard Taft caught flat-footed! Standing still, the university professor reflexes took a nap!
This household name Harry Potter throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
That's a wrap for now. Johnny Tremain dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Johnny Tremain failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Harry Potter, this absolute legend, comes up empty! A half-court heave off target at the top of the key!
Harry Potter cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the Wilson double duty!
Intercepted! Johnny Tremain's pass snatched right out of the air! A silversmith would never be that careless!
Thanos mutters to himself walking back! This hungry young player fighting inner demons!
Harry Potter shakes hands through the pain! A juggler who respects their bare hands and the game!
William Howard Taft mutters 'damn' under his breath. Johnny Tremain says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
94-126 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Thanos in the starting lineup! Let's see what this who-is-this-guy player brings!
Harry Potter whiffs on the jumper! A juggler off their game with their bare hands!
William Howard Taft throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Harry Potter beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a juggler!
Thérèse of Lisieux, this versatile guy, with a silky thunderous slam facing the rim! Smooth operator!
That's a wrap for now. William Howard Taft dives into the tunnel. Juicy intel: William Howard Taft turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Harry Potter storms to the bench! This guy with rings on every finger is visibly upset!
Thanos takes a tough bank shot and it doesn't go! Lack of consistency in shot selection!
Thérèse of Lisieux uses that playwright IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Thérèse of Lisieux grabs the shorts! This generational talent is running on fumes!
Thanos walks off in silence. This dark horse gave it all but it wasn't enough.
William Howard Taft stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Harry Potter comes back to get him. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
William Howard Taft fires up the crowd to open the game! This household name starting strong!
Thérèse of Lisieux, this versatile guy, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
William Howard Taft charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
Harry Potter overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
This surprise package Thanos shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle. Thanos flops into the first available chair. Locker room intel: Thanos has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Thanos clanks another one off the rim! This newcomer needs to find rhythm!
Johnny Tremain needs oxygen! More winded than a silversmith after overtime!
Thérèse of Lisieux gets the ball stripped! The gripping act would have stayed in a playwright's grip!
Thérèse of Lisieux, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Thérèse of Lisieux stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this once-in-a-lifetime player wanted.
Thanos rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Johnny Tremain picks up his own and folds it carefully. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-131 (L)
Thérèse of Lisieux huddles with the team! Huddling up, the playwright strategizes!
Thérèse of Lisieux can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the basketball differently than the gripping act!
Johnny Tremain with the backcourt violation! A silversmith going backwards with the sterling plate!
Johnny Tremain reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
William Howard Taft, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Halftime whistle. Johnny Tremain flops into the first available chair. Small detail: Johnny Tremain wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Johnny Tremain bricks it! Not the same accuracy as engraving the sterling plate!
William Howard Taft is gassed! This certified GOAT candidate bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Thanos steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
William Howard Taft, this all-time great, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
William Howard Taft absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a university professor knows tough days!
Thérèse of Lisieux punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. William Howard Taft slides down the wall to the floor. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
Harry Potter lands the first sky hook! First blood! The juggler strikes first!
This unknown gem Johnny Tremain throws up a prayer in transition! Not answered!
Thanos, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the basketball!
This total unknown Johnny Tremain gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Harry Potter picks up the second technical! This once-in-a-lifetime player ejected! Tendency to rush!
Break. Thérèse of Lisieux asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Confession: Thérèse of Lisieux believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Thanos with the contested catch-and-shoot triple at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
Johnny Tremain steps back a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Harry Potter commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This first-ballot legend William Howard Taft stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
William Howard Taft wipes a tear! A university professor who poured everything into the effort!
William Howard Taft's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Thanos breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-126 (L)
Thanos blows past into position! This hungry young player not wasting any time!
William Howard Taft fires a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Harry Potter gets picked! A juggler getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Thérèse of Lisieux loses their assignment! Like losing their fountain pen in the workshop!
Harry Potter slams the damn ball in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Halftime! Harry Potter checks his stats on the board and winces. Anecdote: Harry Potter tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Harry Potter blows past but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Johnny Tremain, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Thérèse of Lisieux loses possession! The gripping act never leaves a playwright's hands like that!
Harry Potter shoots the towel! This basketball god showing shaky emotions under pressure!
This guy nobody was talking about Johnny Tremain leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Thanos hurls his water bottle at the wall. Harry Potter flinches but doesn't react. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-133 (L)
Johnny Tremain wins the opening tip! Tipping off with silversmith energy!
Harry Potter forces a bad scoop layup! This household name needs to trust teammates!
Harry Potter turns it over at late in the quarter! A juggler dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Harry Potter gets posted up and scored on! This all-time great overpowered!
Thanos explodes away from the huddle! This dude out of nowhere in a dark place mentally!
Halftime whistle. Thanos flops into the first available chair. Confession: Thanos calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Thanos with a rough fadeaway jumper from way beyond the arc! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This potential GOAT William Howard Taft signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This raw talent Johnny Tremain dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
William Howard Taft is visibly upset! Upset as a university professor when the young scholars goes sideways!
William Howard Taft hangs their head! A university professor who gave everything they had!
Johnny Tremain refuses Boston Ring-Chasers's handshake. Thérèse of Lisieux offers a limp one with just her fingertips. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-122 (L)
Johnny Tremain stretches center court! Loosening up, the silversmith is getting ready!
William Howard Taft clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lecture notes hitting the young scholars!
William Howard Taft coughs up the pill! Occasional mental lapses strikes again from way beyond the arc!
William Howard Taft can't stay in front! Challenging the young scholars doesn't build lateral quickness!
Thérèse of Lisieux buries their face! Hidden from view, the playwright can't watch!
Into the tunnel. William Howard Taft grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy anecdote: William Howard Taft was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This total unknown Thanos whiffs on a step-back three! The crowd groans!
This potential GOAT Harry Potter can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Thanos throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure off the pick and roll!
Thanos, this hidden prospect, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Johnny Tremain, this guy nobody was talking about, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Thérèse of Lisieux's face is locked shut, zero emotion. William Howard Taft hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Thérèse of Lisieux starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a playwright plays with their fountain pen!
Johnny Tremain, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert driving to the hoop!
This franchise cornerstone Harry Potter with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Thanos gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
William Howard Taft vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
Break! William Howard Taft grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know? William Howard Taft has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This hall-of-fame lock Thérèse of Lisieux misses the mark! A bank shot goes begging back to the basket!
William Howard Taft asks for the ball to slow the pace! This basketball god needs air!
Johnny Tremain coughs it up! A silversmith's grip doesn't work on the leather!
William Howard Taft argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Thérèse of Lisieux, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite freakish explosiveness effort.
William Howard Taft sits on the floor in the hallway. Johnny Tremain sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: William Howard Taft.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is William Howard Taft. Standing at 182 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Thérèse of Lisieux. Profession? Playwright. Yeah. The coach saw her on TV, called her agent (who didn't exist), and offered her a ten-day contract "to see." The girl showed up with their fountain pen, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At her first practice, she attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But she's got heart, the woman, and apparently the precision she puts into the gripping act could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: William Howard Taft.
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