booty eaters — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 5 | booty eaters | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Booty eaters! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Anakin Skywalker. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Luke Skywalker. Profession? Jedi. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-118 (L)
The hardwood welcomes Obi-Wan Kenobi! The jedi with the game has arrived!
Boba Fett fires a brick facing the rim! Way off, even for a bounty hunter!
Anakin Skywalker with the backcourt violation! A jedi going backwards with the game!
Boba Fett, this solid build, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Boba Fett, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
End of the first half. Anakin Skywalker is beet red but still standing. Intel: Anakin Skywalker asked Detroit Engine-Roar for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Luke Skywalker misfires! The jedi's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Anakin Skywalker digs deep! Deep as a jedi digs into the game!
Obi-Wan Kenobi throws it away! A pass worse than a jedi tossing the game!
Mace Windu looks to the heavens! A jedi praying for their bare hands to work!
Luke Skywalker walks off in defeat! Even a jedi's skills couldn't save tonight!
Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his towel across the floor. Luke Skywalker has already left for the locker room, alone. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-84 (W)
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this big-name player, draws first blood! A reverse layup to start!
Boba Fett fades away and scores! A step-back three! This all-around player is a problem!
Anakin Skywalker with the touch pass! Feathery as the game in a jedi's hands!
Mace Windu with the crafty sky hook! Next-level basketball IQ on display!
Anakin Skywalker reads the play perfectly! That jedi brain working overtime!
Coach calls everyone back. Boba Fett drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Boba Fett was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Boba Fett pulls up and scores! Those bounty hunter hands work wonders with the rock!
This well-respected player Boba Fett breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Anakin Skywalker keeps their bare hands in their locker for good luck! The jedi charm!
Anakin Skywalker, this versatile guy, gets the crowd on their feet! A team high-five! Electric!
Obi-Wan Kenobi leaves everything on the court! Left it all out there tonight!
Boba Fett takes a bow for the crowd. Anakin Skywalker bows to Boba Fett. The nobility of basketball. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
119-76 (W)
Mace Windu steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Obi-Wan Kenobi buries a bank shot off the pick and roll! This reliable star is on fire tonight!
This guy with a proven track record Boba Fett finds the open man! Assist and a layup!
Obi-Wan Kenobi lays it in softly! Touch softer than a jedi's hands on the job!
Luke Skywalker channels all their jedi intensity into a defensive stop!
Into the tunnel. Mace Windu grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Small detail: Mace Windu wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Obi-Wan Kenobi dribbles and fires an and-one! This all-around player lighting it up!
Anakin Skywalker dishes without breaking a sweat! This name that's buzzing cruise control!
Obi-Wan Kenobi drives and pulls up at half court! Time? There's a full quarter left!
Anakin Skywalker gestures with invisible their bare hands! The signature jedi celebration!
Anakin Skywalker pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This respected competitor savors the win!
Anakin Skywalker points both hands at the sky. Obi-Wan Kenobi points at Anakin Skywalker. Boba Fett points at the exit. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-102 (L)
Luke Skywalker gets the starting nod! A jedi starting with their bare hands confidence!
Boba Fett launches and misses! The rock isn't the fleeing fugitive, and it shows!
Mace Windu forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Obi-Wan Kenobi gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Obi-Wan Kenobi scores again! When you're a jedi by trade, the rock is child's play!
Break! Luke Skywalker has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Luke Skywalker launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Luke Skywalker slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a jedi hits the workbench!
Obi-Wan Kenobi spins the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this max-contract guy!
This name that's buzzing Anakin Skywalker recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Anakin Skywalker asks for ice! Cooling down, even a jedi's engine needs a rest!
Anakin Skywalker leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a jedi after the game setback!
Obi-Wan Kenobi's eyes are glassy. Mace Windu mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
127-82 (W)
Anakin Skywalker begins their shift on the court! A jedi starting the their bare hands shift!
The technical flair of Luke Skywalker recalls their jedi days. A thunderous slam! Sublime!
Mace Windu, this do-it-all player, drops the dime! Next-level basketball IQ passing on display!
Mace Windu, this next-level player, absolutely nails a fadeaway jumper in the paint! Take a bow!
This legit talent Mace Windu comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
The players head in. Luke Skywalker slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Luke Skywalker plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Mace Windu attacks under the basket and finishes with a thunderous slam! Too good!
Mace Windu, this swiss-army-knife type, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Boba Fett celebrated by mimicking tracking! The crowd loves this bounty hunter!
Luke Skywalker shimmies after a sky hook! Shaking it off, the jedi is feeling it!
Anakin Skywalker launches to the crowd! A team high-five! This legit talent gave everything!
Anakin Skywalker takes a bow for the crowd. Luke Skywalker bows to Anakin Skywalker. The nobility of basketball. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
120-79 (W)
Boba Fett lands the first buzzer-beater! First blood! The bounty hunter strikes first!
Mace Windu just treated the orange way they treat the game. A catch-and-shoot triple, bang!
Boba Fett with the alley-oop pass! This smooth operator throws it up, teammate throws it down!
This top-tier talent Obi-Wan Kenobi with a vintage step-back three! The old magic is still there!
Boba Fett a commanding rebound and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Halftime. Anakin Skywalker is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Anakin Skywalker is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
A floater from Luke Skywalker! This reliable star reminding everyone why they're on top!
Anakin Skywalker makes it a laugher! Laughing like a jedi laughing at easy the game!
Mace Windu, this respected competitor, waves off the screen and runs into it anyway! Classic!
Boba Fett with the finger wag! No, no, no, a bounty hunter with their wanted poster says no!
Luke Skywalker punches the air at game's end! Victory! The jedi did it!
Anakin Skywalker grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Luke Skywalker's name. The announcer chases him. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
100-114 (L)
Anakin Skywalker bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Boba Fett rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their wanted poster intensity!
Anakin Skywalker trips up in the center circle! A jedi never trips at work... Right?
Luke Skywalker gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
Obi-Wan Kenobi with the tough step-back three through contact! This jersey-selling name won't be denied!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Mace Windu to massage his thighs. Confession: Mace Windu believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Luke Skywalker shakes their head! A jedi who can't believe that just happened!
A finger roll from Obi-Wan Kenobi sails wide! This certified bucket needs to regroup!
Mace Windu dribbles with purpose every possession! This respected competitor chess master!
Anakin Skywalker short-arms the shot from fatigue! This name that's buzzing has nothing left!
Boba Fett vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their wanted poster reinforced with the fleeing fugitive!
Anakin Skywalker bites the inside of his cheek. Luke Skywalker pinches the bridge of his nose. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
116-92 (W)
This headliner Luke Skywalker in the starting lineup! Let's see what this headliner brings!
Boba Fett goes baseline and scores! The fleeing fugitive prepared them for this moment!
Boba Fett boxes out! Making space, that's the bounty hunter work ethic!
Obi-Wan Kenobi fires away into the lane and kicks out! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and great decision-making!
Luke Skywalker manages the clock! Time management of a jedi who never misses a deadline!
The players head to the locker room. Boba Fett is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know? Boba Fett tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Mace Windu treats the basketball like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a jedi!
This All-Star caliber talent Luke Skywalker silences the hostile crowd! A hostile crowd shifts!
Mace Windu, this player making noise, picks up the fallen teammate! An off-the-charts basketball IQ beyond the stats!
The stadium knows it! Obi-Wan Kenobi is special! This franchise guy writing legacy!
Obi-Wan Kenobi puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a jedi wrapping up the job!
Anakin Skywalker cries tears of joy in Luke Skywalker's arms. Mace Windu is also crying but nobody knows why. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
114-83 (W)
Anakin Skywalker checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Luke Skywalker scores with iron discipline. A floater from the left corner! Too smooth!
Luke Skywalker creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
Boba Fett knocks down a thunderous slam from the right corner! Ice in the veins!
Obi-Wan Kenobi alters the shot! Bending the play to their will, pure jedi power!
Halftime whistle. Boba Fett flops into the first available chair. Confession: Boba Fett tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Anakin Skywalker posts up the Wilson with purpose! An off-balance shot! This solid pro means business!
Anakin Skywalker mercy-rules them! Even a jedi wouldn't be this ruthless!
Anakin Skywalker wants to rename the high post after the game! Territorial jedi!
Anakin Skywalker launches to center court! A hug with the coach! This guy with a proven track record owns the moment!
Boba Fett shares the credit! Team player on and off the court!
Obi-Wan Kenobi makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Mace Windu makes the 'call us' gesture. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-102 (W)
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Mace Windu, this solid build, muscles in for a tear drop! Pure power!
Mace Windu steals the ball! Quick hands from competing the game all day!
Mace Windu with the no-look pass! This well-respected player has eyes in the back of the head!
Boba Fett traps with the double! Trapping them, the bounty hunter knows how to corner prey!
Halftime whistle! Anakin Skywalker grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Physio's confession: Anakin Skywalker purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Luke Skywalker hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a jedi lifting their bare hands!
Deafening noise! Anakin Skywalker goes to work and the building shakes!
Luke Skywalker feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with jedi generosity!
Anakin Skywalker's jedi colleagues watch from the stands, the game banners held high!
Anakin Skywalker, this all-around player, takes the final bow! A chest bump! Dominant display!
Anakin Skywalker does the floss while Luke Skywalker spins like a top. Mace Windu just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
107-99 (W)
Mace Windu, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Luke Skywalker tallies another one! This jedi keeps racking them up!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this swiss-army-knife type, blankets the shooter back to the basket! No daylight!
Obi-Wan Kenobi drops the dime! A jedi with court vision like that? Unreal!
Luke Skywalker with the perfect cut! Precision of a jedi with their bare hands!
Heading in. Mace Windu's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Mace Windu once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Anakin Skywalker with a tear drop to seal the deal! A jedi who always closes!
The energy in this building is unreal! Luke Skywalker channeling a hostile crowd!
Boba Fett lifts the bench's energy! Lifting spirits the way only a bounty hunter can!
Mace Windu, this combo guard, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
This player on the come-up Boba Fett seals the deal! Victory with a gym-rat work ethic!
Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi share a 30-second hug. Luke Skywalker wants in. Gets pushed away. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
100-95 (W)
Mace Windu fires up the crowd to open the game! This league veteran starting strong!
Luke Skywalker catches and shoots,an off-balance shot! Quick hands from competing the game!
Boba Fett locks down their opponent! Tight as a bounty hunter gripping their wanted poster!
This established player Anakin Skywalker leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Anakin Skywalker, this smooth operator, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Boba Fett to massage his thighs. Little secret: Boba Fett listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Obi-Wan Kenobi drains it! Emptying the tank like a jedi on double shift!
The jumbotron shows Boba Fett's bounty hunter highlight reel! What a career!
Obi-Wan Kenobi takes the charge for the team! Heart of a jedi, sacrifice of a warrior!
Obi-Wan Kenobi treats every possession like competing the game, with care and precision!
Mace Windu, this seasoned vet, high-fives the bench! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Team effort!
Obi-Wan Kenobi makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Mace Windu makes the 'call us' gesture. Evening confession: I'm wearing Obi-Wan Kenobi's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-118 (L)
Boba Fett takes the court to a sold-out gym on fire! The bounty hunter with their wanted poster is here!
Obi-Wan Kenobi explodes the basketball into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
This legit talent Boba Fett misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Boba Fett takes off the towel! This next-level player showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Break. Anakin Skywalker collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Anakin Skywalker tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Mace Windu can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Mace Windu is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure jedi stubbornness!
Obi-Wan Kenobi throws it into the stands! What was that from this bonafide star!
Boba Fett drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Anakin Skywalker refuses to make excuses! A jedi owns the game failures too!
Mace Windu claps his hands in frustration. Luke Skywalker clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
103-117 (L)
Mace Windu rises up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this seasoned vet!
Anakin Skywalker, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild hook shot!
Sloppy handling by Boba Fett! Tracking the fleeing fugitive is done with more finesse!
Luke Skywalker watches helplessly! A jedi watching the game fall off the shelf!
Boba Fett, this combo guard, uses every inch to deliver a double-clutch layup!
Back to the locker room. Obi-Wan Kenobi's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Intel: Obi-Wan Kenobi asked San Antonio Skyscrapers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Anakin Skywalker storms to the bench! This established player is visibly upset!
Boba Fett can't finish! The bounty hunter who finishes the fleeing fugitive can't finish the play!
Anakin Skywalker exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their bare hands acumen!
Anakin Skywalker, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Tendency to force bad shots draining the energy!
This dude putting the league on notice Anakin Skywalker tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Obi-Wan Kenobi turns back to look at the court one last time. Anakin Skywalker doesn't turn around. Tonight I learned Obi-Wan Kenobi used to be a jedi before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
99-104 (L)
This respected competitor Anakin Skywalker comes out aggressive! Opens with a step-back three facing the rim!
Luke Skywalker finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a jedi who's running late!
Luke Skywalker gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Luke Skywalker fires away but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
Boba Fett electrifies the comeback! Electric, the bounty hunter is supercharged!
Time to breathe. Anakin Skywalker has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Anakin Skywalker once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Mace Windu, this seasoned vet, air-balls in the second quarter! The crowd is stunned!
Boba Fett gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
A narrative for the ages: Mace Windu, the jedi who mastered their bare hands and the rock!
Boba Fett gets blocked on a clutch free throw! Rejected harder than the fleeing fugitive proposals!
Boba Fett tips the cap to the winners! The bounty hunter's grace with the fleeing fugitive!
Obi-Wan Kenobi clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Mace Windu fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
booty eaters ends the season #5 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Booty eaters!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Anakin Skywalker. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Luke Skywalker. Profession? Jedi. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
booty eaters ends the season #5 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
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