My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Kai Cenat. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed IShowSpeed. The man is a rapper. Yes, you heard that right. A rapper. On a basketball court. With their hot mic in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. IShowSpeed had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-119 (L)
This absolute legend IShowSpeed catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
CaseOh whiffs on the jumper! A digital transformation consultant off their game with their bare hands!
CaseOh coughs up the damn ball! Heavy feet strikes again from way beyond the arc!
This total unknown Jynxzi gives up the offensive rebound! Injury-prone body when boxing out!
Joe Bartolozzi looks to the heavens! A youtuber praying for their camera to work!
The locker room fills up. IShowSpeed has already eaten three oranges. They say IShowSpeed eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This seasoned vet Kai Cenat short-arms a half-court heave along the baseline! Not enough lift!
Kai Cenat jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for entertaining the live chat tomorrow!
This dude out of nowhere CaseOh forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
CaseOh lets fly the towel! This surprise package showing heavy feet!
Joe Bartolozzi hangs their head! A youtuber who gave everything they had!
Joe Bartolozzi takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kai Cenat follows the same path. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
79-121 (L)
Kai Cenat locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a streamer who means business!
CaseOh gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the digital transformation consultant touch can't save that one!
This newcomer Joe Bartolozzi with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Bartolozzi, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
IShowSpeed, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Break! Jynxzi rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Staff confession: Jynxzi is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Jynxzi attacks the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
CaseOh can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of competing the game!
IShowSpeed loses the leather! A rapper would never be this careless!
Kai Cenat storms to the bench! Heated! This streamer doesn't handle losing well!
Kai Cenat had the chances but couldn't convert. This dude putting the league on notice left wanting.
CaseOh whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. IShowSpeed nods without conviction. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-94 (W)
Joe Bartolozzi comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the youtuber means business!
Joe Bartolozzi penetrates at the buzzer with the same confidence they bring to captivating the algorithm.
IShowSpeed forces the bad shot! Their hot mic intimidation factor!
Joe Bartolozzi with the hockey assist! Setting up the play like a true youtuber!
Joe Bartolozzi triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with youtuber urgency!
Off to the locker room. IShowSpeed has already drained two water bottles. Did you know IShowSpeed knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
A bank shot by IShowSpeed! The building is rocking! This potential GOAT takeover!
Joe Bartolozzi feeds off a packed arena! The energy of a youtuber fueled by the algorithm!
Joe Bartolozzi, this versatile guy, anchors the second unit! This rising star versatile contributor!
This diamond in the rough Joe Bartolozzi is the heartbeat of this team! A show of force leadership!
Final buzzer! IShowSpeed is the hero! This all-time great with a game for the ages!
IShowSpeed does a cartwheel at center court. Joe Bartolozzi tries one too and eats it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce IShowSpeed's name. Forgive me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
97-96 (W)
IShowSpeed, this solid build, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Jynxzi with the huge flawless defensive rotation at the buzzer! This diamond in the rough says no!
IShowSpeed fires and misses driving to the hoop. Should have stuck with the fiery bars!
IShowSpeed, this versatile guy, carves up the defense for a catch-and-shoot triple! Beautiful!
Joe Bartolozzi sets the screen at the perfect angle! This raw talent cerebral play!
Break! Jynxzi heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Physio's confession: Jynxzi purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Joe Bartolozzi rises to the occasion! Same grit as when they're on the job as a youtuber!
Kai Cenat deflects the pass and starts the break! This dude putting the league on notice defense to offense!
Fans hold up the fiery bars signs for IShowSpeed! What a scene!
This potential breakout star CaseOh won't let the team lose! A bucket in the fourth quarter!
Joe Bartolozzi puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a youtuber wrapping up the job!
Joe Bartolozzi slides across the court in his socks while CaseOh splashes water on everyone. Behind the scenes, I learned CaseOh was also a youtuber in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-104 (L)
Joe Bartolozzi sets the tone early! The youtuber came to play tonight!
CaseOh lets fly the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Occasional mental lapses!
Jynxzi double-dribbles! Captivating the algorithm doesn't have that rule!
IShowSpeed gets crossed over! This household name left frozen under the basket!
Jynxzi attacks at half court and finishes with an off-balance shot! Too good!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! IShowSpeed walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: IShowSpeed logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
IShowSpeed pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
This dude out of nowhere Joe Bartolozzi rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!
IShowSpeed adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the rapper approach!
Jynxzi, this guy nobody was talking about, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Kai Cenat tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we entertains better, like the live chat!'
Kai Cenat snaps at the bench on his way out. Jynxzi says nothing, but his look says everything. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
98-125 (L)
Jynxzi stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!
Joe Bartolozzi can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this hungry young player!
IShowSpeed throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the rapper got too confident!
Kai Cenat gets blown by! Even a streamer couldn't stop that!
Jynxzi knocks it down! Solid as a youtuber with their camera in hand!
Halftime! Kai Cenat has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Kai Cenat knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
CaseOh buries their face! Hidden from view, the digital transformation consultant can't watch!
CaseOh, this do-it-all player, gets stuffed trying a pull-up jumper! Denied!
Joe Bartolozzi executes a full-court press perfectly! Precision learned as a youtuber!
IShowSpeed misses the rotation! Too tired, like a rapper too tired for the fiery bars!
This diamond in the rough Jynxzi leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
IShowSpeed refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jynxzi watches it and immediately regrets it. I learned backstage that Jynxzi also does youtuber on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
98-114 (L)
Kai Cenat starts in the rebounder! Playing the rebounder way a streamer plays with their streaming rig!
Off the mark for IShowSpeed! Great rapper, not so great at basketball tonight!
Jynxzi with the backcourt violation! A youtuber going backwards with the algorithm!
Joe Bartolozzi loses the screen battle! Defense that's basically a suggestion around the picks!
CaseOh, this all-around player, elevates for a monster catch-and-shoot triple!
That's a wrap for now. IShowSpeed dives into the tunnel. Did you know? IShowSpeed has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Kai Cenat kicks the air! The frustration of a streamer who knows they can do better!
Kai Cenat launches an and-one and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
Joe Bartolozzi schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true youtuber!
Kai Cenat, this player making noise, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Jynxzi crosses over to the tunnel in disappointment. This dark horse will learn from this.
Joe Bartolozzi whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Jynxzi nods without conviction. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-112 (L)
CaseOh checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jynxzi, this total unknown, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
CaseOh throws it away! A pass worse than a digital transformation consultant tossing the game!
IShowSpeed overcommits and gets beat! Lack of consistency when reading the play!
Jynxzi picks up the second technical! This dark horse ejected! Injury-prone body!
Break time. Kai Cenat bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Kai Cenat once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Jynxzi misses at the last second! A youtuber dropping the algorithm at the worst time!
This surprise package Jynxzi can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Kai Cenat passes to nobody! This dude putting the league on notice with a head-scratching decision!
CaseOh argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
IShowSpeed sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rapper after their hot mic broke!
IShowSpeed sits on the floor in the hallway. Joe Bartolozzi sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-102 (L)
Jynxzi, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This player nobody saw coming is in the building!
Kai Cenat forces a devastating dunk under the basket! This hooper's hooper trying too hard!
CaseOh turns it over at the jump ball! A digital transformation consultant dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Jynxzi can't stay in front! Captivating the algorithm doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jynxzi, this all-around player, overpowers for a thunderous slam! Size matters!
Back in the locker room, Kai Cenat sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Kai Cenat has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
IShowSpeed drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Joe Bartolozzi launches and misses! The pill isn't the algorithm, and it shows!
Kai Cenat sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a streamer at work!
IShowSpeed bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a rapper after their hot mic overtime!
CaseOh vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Jynxzi presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. CaseOh walks right past without noticing. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-128 (L)
IShowSpeed steps onto the venue! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
CaseOh blows past but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Jynxzi dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Joe Bartolozzi gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
IShowSpeed goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
Break time. CaseOh bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Physio's confession: CaseOh purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Jynxzi fires a devastating dunk in the paint but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
CaseOh rises up a step slower than usual! Tendency to force bad shots in the tank!
This unknown gem CaseOh with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
Jynxzi drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Joe Bartolozzi walks off in defeat! Even a youtuber's skills couldn't save tonight!
IShowSpeed pulls his cap down over his eyes. Jynxzi doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-132 (L)
Jynxzi huddles with the team! Huddling up, the youtuber strategizes!
Jynxzi goes 0 for the quarter! A youtuber having a rough shift with their camera!
IShowSpeed tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Jynxzi gets caught flat-footed! This dark horse beaten to the spot!
IShowSpeed, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Break! Kai Cenat takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Kai Cenat once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
IShowSpeed misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this generational talent has off nights!
Joe Bartolozzi, this combo guard, laboring up and down! Defense that's basically a suggestion draining the energy!
IShowSpeed throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
Kai Cenat storms to the bench! This dude putting the league on notice is visibly upset!
Jynxzi leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a youtuber after the algorithm setback!
IShowSpeed taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Kai Cenat walks through the door without pushing it. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
CaseOh bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Joe Bartolozzi clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their camera hitting the algorithm!
CaseOh with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Joe Bartolozzi gets posted up and scored on! This total unknown overpowered!
Jynxzi mouths off in the dying seconds! A youtuber venting about the algorithm!
The locker room fills up. Kai Cenat has already eaten three oranges. Little secret: Kai Cenat has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
IShowSpeed can't find the range! Their hot mic has better accuracy than that!
IShowSpeed, this combo guard, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Kai Cenat loses possession! The live chat never leaves a streamer's hands like that!
Jynxzi waves off the play! The authority of a youtuber in that gesture!
Despite the loss, Jynxzi held their own with the algorithm! The youtuber fought!
IShowSpeed refuses the coach's embrace. Jynxzi accepts it but his body is stiff. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
73-118 (L)
IShowSpeed, this smooth operator, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
IShowSpeed air-mails a finger roll from the right corner! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
IShowSpeed gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
IShowSpeed gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a rapper's worst day on the job!
Jynxzi, this surprise package, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Break. Jynxzi collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Jynxzi entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Brick! Jynxzi misfires from the left corner! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
Jynxzi is visibly tired! This hidden prospect needs a timeout badly!
Jynxzi charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
CaseOh, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Jynxzi fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the youtuber gave everything!
Joe Bartolozzi's eyes are glassy. Jynxzi mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Joe Bartolozzi gets the starting nod! A youtuber starting with their camera confidence!
Joe Bartolozzi, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert from the right corner!
Jynxzi throws it out of bounds! Like launching their camera into the void!
CaseOh, this solid build, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Kai Cenat is visibly upset! Upset as a streamer when the live chat goes sideways!
Halftime! Kai Cenat walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Staff confession: Kai Cenat is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kai Cenat can't hit from the three-point line! That zone is cursed for this streamer!
Joe Bartolozzi gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a youtuber begging the algorithm for mercy!
Jynxzi, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted along the baseline!
CaseOh, this unknown gem, yells at the coaching staff! Lack of consistency causing friction!
This potential breakout star Jynxzi stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this potential breakout star wanted.
IShowSpeed bites his lip, fists clenched. Jynxzi shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I learned IShowSpeed used to be a youtuber before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
91-119 (L)
Kai Cenat lands the first catch-and-shoot triple! First blood! The streamer strikes first!
IShowSpeed misses the layup! Even the fiery bars would have gone in easier!
Jynxzi coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Joe Bartolozzi gets screened out! Stuck behind their camera like it's a wall!
Kai Cenat, this solid build, glides in the paint for a silky pull-up jumper!
Halftime. CaseOh's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Intel: CaseOh asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This dark horse Jynxzi fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Joe Bartolozzi, this total unknown, comes up empty! A step-back three off target from downtown!
IShowSpeed traps with the double! Trapping them, the rapper knows how to corner prey!
Jynxzi powers through! The youtuber in them won't quit on the algorithm!
IShowSpeed, this do-it-all player, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Joe Bartolozzi leaves the court at a jog. Kai Cenat stays there, planted at center court, motionless. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Kai Cenat. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed IShowSpeed. The man is a rapper. Yes, you heard that right. A rapper. On a basketball court. With their hot mic in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. IShowSpeed had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.
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