My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jeffery N. Epstein on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. The chef's surprise of the evening is Kim Jong-un. A politician by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the public policy with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-115 (L)
Kim Jong-un announces themselves! The politician has arrived and the building knows it!
Donald Trump sends it wide! Their loaded checkbook wouldn't forgive that either!
Turnover by Donald Trump! Greenlighting the risky picture requires less coordination, clearly!
Donald Trump gets posted up and scored on! This generational talent overpowered!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Break. Donald Trump asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Donald Trump has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Donald Trump lets fly but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Kim Jong-un, this little firecracker, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Sean Combs with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!
Kim Jong-un, this miniature missile, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Kim Jong-un walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Donald Trump drags one foot after the other. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-110 (L)
Donald Trump lands the first deep three! First blood! The film producer strikes first!
A double-clutch layup by Jeffery N. Epstein from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this hungry young player!
This franchise cornerstone Stephen Hawking gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
Sean Combs bites on the fake! Fooled like a philanthropist by counterfeit the game!
Stephen Hawking converts a tough finger roll off the pick and roll! Skill level: elite!
Off to the locker room. Jeffery N. Epstein has already drained two water bottles. I've been told Jeffery N. Epstein once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Stephen Hawking kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
Air ball from Kim Jong-un! Being a politician doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Kim Jong-un shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a politician at work!
Donald Trump is running on pure willpower! This once-in-a-lifetime player refusing to quit!
Stephen Hawking takes the loss hard! Hard as the young scholars on a bad university professor day!
Jeffery N. Epstein's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Kim Jong-un hides his eyes under a towel. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
110-100 (W)
Donald Trump starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a film producer plays with their loaded checkbook!
This hall-of-fame lock Kim Jong-un is automatic from the left corner! An alley-oop drops again!
Jeffery N. Epstein with a drawn charge to save the possession! Their lab notebook to the rescue!
Donald Trump with the alley-oop pass! This combo guard throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Donald Trump lets fly into the right spacing! Unreal swagger and elite court awareness!
Heading in. Donald Trump's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Donald Trump logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Jeffery N. Epstein drops a thunderous slam! The accuracy of a researcher on full display!
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, basks in a hostile crowd! This is home!
Kim Jong-un holds the huddle together! That politician leadership on full display!
Donald Trump, this absolute legend, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this absolute legend is dangerous!
Donald Trump, this living legend, high-fives the bench! A team high-five! Team effort!
Kim Jong-un and Jeffery N. Epstein carry Sean Combs like a trophy across the entire court. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-105 (L)
Sean Combs lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified bucket!
Sean Combs, this franchise guy, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Sean Combs turns it over in the elbow! Butterfingers from this philanthropist!
This global icon Kim Jong-un fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Donald Trump lays it in softly! Touch softer than a film producer's hands on the job!
First half is done. Donald Trump is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Locker room intel: Donald Trump has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Kim Jong-un gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
This guy nobody was talking about Jeffery N. Epstein misfires again! Hot head could cost the team!
Kim Jong-un spaces the floor! Making room out there like a politician clears the workspace!
Jeffery N. Epstein posts up a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Sean Combs had the chances but couldn't convert. This reliable star left wanting.
Kim Jong-un shakes Jeffery N. Epstein's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Did you know that Jeffery N. Epstein practices philanthropist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-89 (W)
Jeffery N. Epstein, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Stephen Hawking drains it! Emptying the tank like a university professor on double shift!
Kim Jong-un, this potential GOAT, clamps down on the star player! Unreal swagger on the assignment!
Kim Jong-un finds them in the three-point line! Navigating the floor like a politician navigates rush hour!
Jeffery N. Epstein with the perfect cut! Precision of a researcher with their lab notebook!
End of the second quarter. Kim Jong-un is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Kim Jong-un walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Phoenix No-Defense. Awkward. Break's over, the players take their positions.
What a play by Kim Jong-un! A sky hook from mid-range! This franchise cornerstone is cooking!
Stephen Hawking soaks in a Playoff atmosphere! This global icon living for these moments!
This hungry young player Jeffery N. Epstein celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Jeffery N. Epstein bridges two worlds: the unknown variable and a fadeaway jumper, bound by passion!
Donald Trump daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Donald Trump and Jeffery N. Epstein do celebratory push-ups. Sean Combs counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Tonight I learned Donald Trump used to be a philanthropist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
111-98 (W)
Sean Combs sets the tone early! The philanthropist came to play tonight!
Donald Trump adds to the total! A film producer who always exceeds expectations!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, contests everything under the basket! That dawg mentality on full display!
Jeffery N. Epstein drops the dime! A researcher with court vision like that? Unreal!
Kim Jong-un traps with the double! Trapping them, the politician knows how to corner prey!
Halftime! Sean Combs walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Intel: Sean Combs once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
What a shot from Sean Combs! A philanthropist bringing their bare hands energy to the temple of basketball!
The energy in this building is unreal! Kim Jong-un channeling immense pressure!
Donald Trump trusts the system! Trust of a film producer trusting their loaded checkbook!
Jeffery N. Epstein's teammates feed off the researcher energy! That confidence is contagious!
Sean Combs salutes the fans! A philanthropist's farewell until the next game!
Jeffery N. Epstein and Kim Jong-un cradle the game ball like a baby. Stephen Hawking takes a photo. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
103-101 (W)
Donald Trump looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Donald Trump with the chase-down left-handed block! Running like a film producer chasing the risky picture!
Jeffery N. Epstein with the contested half-court heave from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Donald Trump finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their loaded checkbook!
Jeffery N. Epstein uses a pick-and-pop attack to get open! Open space created with their lab notebook smarts!
Halftime. Kim Jong-un throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Kim Jong-un blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
This first-ballot legend Stephen Hawking with the monster brilliant anticipation in after a timeout! Saved the game!
Stephen Hawking with the denial defense! This once-in-a-lifetime player not giving an inch!
Post-game fireworks for Sean Combs! Brighter than their bare hands on a perfect day!
Sean Combs hits back-to-back shots! Rapid-fire like competing the game on repeat!
Kim Jong-un caps a perfect night! Clean as a politician on their best day!
Kim Jong-un jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
104-86 (W)
Jeffery N. Epstein comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the researcher means business!
Donald Trump, this tweener, uses every inch to deliver a hook shot!
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, blankets the shooter facing the rim! No daylight!
Sean Combs dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this philanthropist!
Jeffery N. Epstein communicates the switch! Clear as a researcher's instructions!
Off to the locker room. Jeffery N. Epstein has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Jeffery N. Epstein has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sean Combs, this big-name player, exploits the mismatch for a step-back three! Too easy!
Standing room only! A sold-out gym on fire as Sean Combs takes over along the baseline!
Stephen Hawking does the dirty work! Hands dirty like a university professor at the end of the day!
Jeffery N. Epstein, the researcher from the day shift, is writing their story on the gym tonight!
Stephen Hawking dishes into the tunnel with the W! This undisputed superstar all smiles!
Sean Combs and Donald Trump stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-117 (L)
Sean Combs opens with a devastating dunk! This franchise guy making an early statement!
Sean Combs, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild bucket!
Stephen Hawking coughs up the orange! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again facing the rim!
Sean Combs gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Sean Combs goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Halftime. Jeffery N. Epstein is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jeffery N. Epstein once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jeffery N. Epstein, this potential breakout star, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this household name!
Stephen Hawking executes the delay! Patient as a university professor waiting for their lecture notes results!
Kim Jong-un, this undisputed superstar, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Sean Combs packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Stephen Hawking replays the score in his head on a loop. Jeffery N. Epstein tries to think about something else. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-107 (L)
Jeffery N. Epstein lets fly into position! This dude out of nowhere not wasting any time!
Sean Combs misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Donald Trump dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this tweener, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
Stephen Hawking finishes with flair! Showmanship of a university professor presenting the young scholars!
Break! Jeffery N. Epstein has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Jeffery N. Epstein lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kim Jong-un dunks and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
Donald Trump fires and misses from the left corner. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
Sean Combs with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic philanthropist misdirection!
Sean Combs stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a philanthropist over the game!
Jeffery N. Epstein walks off in defeat! Even a researcher's skills couldn't save tonight!
Stephen Hawking sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Donald Trump winces. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
108-112 (L)
Stephen Hawking huddles with the team! Huddling up, the university professor strategizes!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, muscles in for a scoop layup! Pure power!
Donald Trump overcommits! Going all-in like a film producer on the risky picture, but wrong!
Kim Jong-un misses the open look! A politician never misses the public policy... But misses the basketball!
Stephen Hawking fights through fatigue! That university professor toughness is for real!
Halftime. The doctor examines Donald Trump's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Staff confession: Donald Trump is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Kim Jong-un misses the game-tying shot! Even a politician couldn't save that one!
Jeffery N. Epstein throws their hands up! Like a researcher when their lab notebook breaks!
Sean Combs, this jersey-selling name, answers every challenge! Pure God-given talent never fading!
Stephen Hawking turns it over at the jump ball! This first-ballot legend crumbles under pressure!
This hall-of-fame lock Stephen Hawking stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hall-of-fame lock wanted.
Sean Combs isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Donald Trump tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-120 (L)
Kim Jong-un fires up the crowd to open the game! This absolute legend starting strong!
Brick! Kim Jong-un misfires at half court! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking with the careless pass! Challenging the young scholars with more care, please!
Kim Jong-un beaten to the spot! Slower than a politician on a Monday morning!
Jeffery N. Epstein walks away muttering! Muttering about the unknown variable under their breath!
Finally a breather. Donald Trump has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Intel: Donald Trump refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jeffery N. Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kim Jong-un misses from fatigue! Tired arms from shaping the public policy all week!
Donald Trump, this solid build, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
Kim Jong-un, this miniature missile, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Donald Trump consoles teammates! The heart of a film producer in that moment!
Stephen Hawking's eyes are red, jaw tight. Sean Combs apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-130 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the den! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Stephen Hawking can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the young scholars, a university professor always hits!
Donald Trump loses the leather! A film producer would never be this careless!
Stephen Hawking caught flat-footed! Standing still, the university professor reflexes took a nap!
Stephen Hawking pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The university professor in them is showing!
The locker room fills up. Stephen Hawking has already eaten three oranges. Locker room anecdote: Stephen Hawking talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Stephen Hawking launches a buzzer beater and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Jeffery N. Epstein drags their feet! Heavy as their lab notebook at the end of a shift!
Stephen Hawking with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Stephen Hawking glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this university professor!
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Donald Trump collapses into the first available chair. Kim Jong-un stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-129 (L)
The game begins and Donald Trump is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Stephen Hawking crosses over the orange into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Jeffery N. Epstein dribbles the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this dark horse!
Kim Jong-un loses their assignment! Like losing their campaign podium in the workshop!
Jeffery N. Epstein explodes angrily after the turnover! This player nobody saw coming spiraling!
That's a cut. Sean Combs stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Sean Combs started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jeffery N. Epstein dunks the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this total unknown!
Kim Jong-un jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for shaping the public policy tomorrow!
Jeffery N. Epstein trips up in the perimeter! A researcher never trips at work... Right?
Kim Jong-un vents at their teammates! The politician who vents about the public policy!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a politician after their campaign podium broke!
Jeffery N. Epstein punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Kim Jong-un slides down the wall to the floor. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Game time! Donald Trump and this household name ready to put on a show at the court!
Kim Jong-un bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Intercepted! Jeffery N. Epstein's pass snatched right out of the air! A researcher would never be that careless!
Stephen Hawking gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Kim Jong-un stares in disbelief! The look of a politician who just lost everything!
Intermission. Donald Trump dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Locker room intel: Donald Trump has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jeffery N. Epstein, this combo guard, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates at half court!
This rising star Jeffery N. Epstein can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Sean Combs, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Donald Trump mutters to himself walking back! This first-ballot legend fighting inner demons!
Jeffery N. Epstein tips the cap to the winners! The researcher's grace with the unknown variable!
Sean Combs refuses Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's handshake. Donald Trump offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffery N. Epstein.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jeffery N. Epstein on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Kim Jong-un. A politician by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the public policy with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffery N. Epstein.
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