My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Asher Burch · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Shaquille O'Neal. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 216 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Kim Jong-un. The man is a politician. A freaking politician. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their campaign podium and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
92-112 (L)
And we're underway! Tim Duncan touches the pill first! This bonafide star looks eager!
Adolf Hitler short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their service rifle!
Intercepted! Kim Jong-un's pass snatched right out of the air! A politician would never be that careless!
Shaquille O'Neal gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
Tim Duncan dishes and fires a hook shot! This giant lighting it up!
Halftime. Adolf Hitler throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Kim Jong-un, this little thunder, throws the hands up! Exasperated on the low block!
Shaquille O'Neal misfires under the basket! Even this household name has off nights!
Adolf Hitler communicates the switch! Clear as a soldier's instructions!
Kim Jong-un is running on fumes! The politician tank is completely empty!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James bites the inside of his cheek. Kim Jong-un pinches the bridge of his nose. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-84 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, dominates from the right corner and puts up a sky hook! Unstoppable!
LeBron James forces the step-out-of-bounds! This all-time great hawking the ball!
LeBron James penetrates into the lane and kicks out! Ridiculous creativity and great decision-making!
Shaquille O'Neal steps back into the right spacing! A killer instinct and elite court awareness!
Cut! Halftime. Kim Jong-un's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. I've been told Kim Jong-un always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This undisputed superstar LeBron James punishes the defense with a layup from the left corner!
Standing ovation for Adolf Hitler! The den salutes the soldier and their their service rifle!
Adolf Hitler cheers the loudest! Happy as a soldier clocking out on a Friday!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, answers every challenge! Silky smooth technique never fading!
It's over! Shaquille O'Neal delivers the goods! This certified GOAT candidate walks off a winner!
Kim Jong-un runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Adolf Hitler follows doing the wave alone. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
124-83 (W)
Kim Jong-un fires up the crowd to open the game! This generational talent starting strong!
A free throw from Tim Duncan! That's night-in night-out consistency at the highest level!
Kim Jong-un dishes and finds the trailer for a scoop layup! Great awareness!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal with a beautiful half-court heave from downtown! Poetry in motion!
This living legend Kim Jong-un with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
The players disappear. Tim Duncan has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Tim Duncan once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Shaquille O'Neal dunks past the defense for a tear drop! Size advantage from this this big fella!
Tim Duncan, this tree of a man, is toying with the opposition driving to the hoop! Dominant!
This reliable star Tim Duncan calls for the Spalding but trips over the baseline! Comedy gold!
LeBron James attacks and moonwalks back! A hug with the coach! It's showtime, baby!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, takes the final bow! A victory dance! Dominant display!
Adolf Hitler takes a bow for the crowd. Tim Duncan bows to Adolf Hitler. The nobility of basketball. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
116-75 (W)
Tim Duncan, this colossus, takes the court! The sold-out gym on fire is electric!
Tim Duncan drains a step-back three from the right corner! Textbook an unmatched feel for the game!
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, hits the cutter perfectly! Pure God-given talent right on time!
Shaquille O'Neal scores with freakish explosiveness. A buzzer-beater at the top of the key! Too smooth!
This certified GOAT candidate Adolf Hitler with a clutch steal from way beyond the arc! Intimidating!
Well-deserved break. Tim Duncan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Tim Duncan fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This certified bucket Tim Duncan is automatic under the basket! A thunderous slam drops again!
This global icon Adolf Hitler breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
This top-tier talent Tim Duncan trash talks then immediately misses! Karma!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal waves goodbye to the opponent! A victory dance! Savage!
Tim Duncan, this titan, celebrates the win! A raised fist! What a game!
LeBron James does a handstand. Tim Duncan holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
103-94 (W)
This franchise guy Tim Duncan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this franchise guy brings!
Adolf Hitler turns the paint into a workshop. A euro-step crafted with their service rifle!
Adolf Hitler with the strip! Snatched the orange clean, that's a soldier with quick hands!
LeBron James whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This titan seeing everything!
Tim Duncan reads the defense perfectly! That dawg mentality and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Bus driver's confession: Shaquille O'Neal raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Shaquille O'Neal goes coast to coast for an off-balance shot! This certified GOAT candidate is relentless!
You can feel an electric crowd through the screen! LeBron James in the spotlight!
Kim Jong-un celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a politician seeing the public policy succeed!
Tim Duncan goes to work with conviction! This reliable star believes tonight is the night!
LeBron James can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Shaquille O'Neal improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Adolf Hitler plays the imaginary violin. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
119-103 (W)
Adolf Hitler opens with a bucket! This undisputed superstar making an early statement!
LeBron James with the decisive reverse layup! Natural-born leadership when it matters most!
LeBron James rotates perfectly for the rebound in traffic! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
Adolf Hitler, this global icon, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Iron discipline!
Tim Duncan pushes the pace in transition! An unmatched feel for the game showing in every play!
Break! Tim Duncan heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Tim Duncan does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Kim Jong-un scores from the left corner! A pull-up jumper with unreal swagger! Brilliant!
Kim Jong-un blows past in front of the home faithful! A standing ovation! Beautiful!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, boxes out for the teammate! This living legend doing the dirty work!
Kim Jong-un is living proof that politician can thrive on the temple of basketball!
Shaquille O'Neal tosses the pill in the air! A slide across the hardwood! This franchise cornerstone mission accomplished!
Kim Jong-un and LeBron James fake a wrestling match. Adolf Hitler plays the referee and calls a timeout. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
108-105 (W)
Tim Duncan looks dialed in from the start! Scary good handles preparation showing!
This living legend Adolf Hitler takes the charge from way beyond the arc! Gutsy play!
A buzzer-beater by Tim Duncan back to the basket is way off! Tough night for this guy everybody knows!
Adolf Hitler knocks it down! Solid as a soldier with their service rifle in hand!
LeBron James spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Intel: LeBron James refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
LeBron James, this absolute unit, scores the go-ahead! A free throw! Heart of a champion!
Shaquille O'Neal with the huge iron-wall defense from the left corner! This living legend says no!
Kim Jong-un bows to the fans! A politician bowing after the public policy masterpiece!
Kim Jong-un refuses to lose! A politician who never accepts failure!
Kim Jong-un wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their campaign podium and the basketball!
Kim Jong-un grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Adolf Hitler's name. The announcer chases him. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Kim Jong-un's name. Forgive me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-105 (W)
Kim Jong-un locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a politician who means business!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, swats it into the third row! A ball recovery!
Kim Jong-un misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their campaign podium at the public policy!
LeBron James dribbles the Spalding with purpose! A two-handed slam! This once-in-a-lifetime player means business!
Tim Duncan slows the pace when the team needs it! This max-contract guy tempo control!
Halftime. Tim Duncan is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Tim Duncan raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, hits the big shot! At the jump ball! That's a closer!
LeBron James plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this living legend!
The press box buzzes about Kim Jong-un! A politician with their campaign podium making headlines!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, comes up big! A tear drop during crunch time! Legend!
Game over! Kim Jong-un proved a politician belongs on the temple of basketball with their campaign podium!
LeBron James rips the net off the rim. Adolf Hitler wraps it around his neck like a scarf. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-96 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal opens the scoring! A euro-step! Early advantage!
Tim Duncan blows past and converts! A sky hook off the pick and roll! Money!
Tim Duncan, this colossus, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Tim Duncan takes a tough buzzer-beater and it doesn't go! Injury-prone body in shot selection!
Kim Jong-un finds another gear! Switching modes like a politician grabbing their campaign podium!
Cut! Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Tim Duncan misses in the clutch! An and-one off the mark in the first quarter!
Kim Jong-un gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Tim Duncan dunks into the record books! This big-name player making memories!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, forces a bad shot in crunch time! Hot head!
Adolf Hitler wipes a tear! A soldier who poured everything into the effort!
Kim Jong-un snaps at the bench on his way out. Adolf Hitler says nothing, but his look says everything. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-111 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Adolf Hitler can't convert! The soldier's touch with the front line deserted them!
Kim Jong-un throws it away! A pass worse than a politician tossing the public policy!
Tim Duncan scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
LeBron James dunks to the rack for a finger roll! Can't contain this mountain of a man!
End of the first half. Shaquille O'Neal is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!
LeBron James, this towering presence, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
LeBron James is gassed! This guy with rings on every finger bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Adolf Hitler fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the soldier gave everything!
Shaquille O'Neal pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Kim Jong-un takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I learned backstage that Kim Jong-un also does politician on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-108 (L)
Tip-off! Tim Duncan gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James forces up a catch-and-shoot triple over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
LeBron James gets crossed over! This franchise cornerstone left frozen facing the rim!
Kim Jong-un scores a deep three! Their campaign podium by day, buckets by night!
Intermission. Adolf Hitler dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Adolf Hitler talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a politician after a long shift!
This top-tier talent Tim Duncan shanks a reverse layup at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
Tim Duncan makes the hockey pass! An off-the-charts basketball IQ finding the extra pass!
Kim Jong-un is running on pure willpower! This global icon refusing to quit!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Adolf Hitler and Tim Duncan share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-116 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start under the basket!
Kim Jong-un lets fly the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this potential GOAT!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal commits the offensive foul! Turnover back to the basket!
This headliner Tim Duncan fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Shaquille O'Neal, this all-time great, unleashes a buzzer beater off the pick and roll! Bang!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This max-contract guy Tim Duncan fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
LeBron James, this giant, loses the handle and the opportunity! Sometimes predictable game!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal sets the back screen! Natural-born leadership off-ball contribution!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Kim Jong-un, this guy with rings on every finger, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Adolf Hitler refuses the coach's embrace. Kim Jong-un accepts it but his body is stiff. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-106 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Adolf Hitler heaves and misses! Should have heaved the front line instead!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Kim Jong-un beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the public policy slipping from a politician!
Kim Jong-un gets the friendly bounce! Even the Spalding respects a politician!
Halftime whistle! LeBron James grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. I've been told LeBron James always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Shaquille O'Neal drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
LeBron James misfires driving to the hoop! This guy with rings on every finger searching for answers!
Kim Jong-un identifies the soft spot in the zone! This undisputed superstar surgical precision!
Adolf Hitler tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a soldier's energy for the front line!
Adolf Hitler crosses over past the media. This absolute legend not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James collapses into the first available chair. Tim Duncan stays standing, eyes glazed over. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
121-102 (W)
LeBron James, this basketball god, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
A pull-up jumper from downtown by Tim Duncan! This mountain of a man with the long range!
This potential GOAT LeBron James with the no-foul contest on the low block! Clean as a whistle!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
This absolute legend LeBron James runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Cut! Halftime. Kim Jong-un's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Kim Jong-un does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Shaquille O'Neal buries a catch-and-shoot triple from mid-range! This undisputed superstar is on fire tonight!
Post-game fireworks for Kim Jong-un! Brighter than their campaign podium on a perfect day!
Shaquille O'Neal rises up the Wilson into the right hands! This undisputed superstar quarterback!
Shaquille O'Neal is inevitable tonight! This guy with rings on every finger can't be stopped!
Tim Duncan walks off the field house victorious! This jersey-selling name owns this moment!
Kim Jong-un does a backflip. Well, he tries. Shaquille O'Neal applauds the effort. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-107 (L)
Kim Jong-un steps onto the field house! From shaping the public policy to this, game time!
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, fumbles the finish in the paint! Back to the drawing board!
Adolf Hitler loses the pill! A soldier would never be this careless!
Shaquille O'Neal reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Adolf Hitler treats the damn ball like the front line and sinks it. Easy as pie for a soldier!
Halftime whistle! Kim Jong-un slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: Kim Jong-un tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Adolf Hitler slams the ball in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Tim Duncan fires a buzzer beater from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Tim Duncan uses the hesitation dribble! Eyes in the back of the head creating separation!
This certified bucket Tim Duncan is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Kim Jong-un walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Shaquille O'Neal speeds up. Wants it to be over. Behind the scenes, I learned Shaquille O'Neal was also a politician in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Shaquille O'Neal. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 216 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Kim Jong-un. The man is a politician. A freaking politician. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their campaign podium and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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