My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Adam Sandler. The man is a film producer. Yes, you heard that right. A film producer. On a basketball court. With their loaded checkbook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Adam Sandler had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-127 (L)
CaseOh gets the starting nod! A digital transformation consultant starting with their bare hands confidence!
Off the mark for Adam Sandler! Great film producer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Adam Sandler, this elusive guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Ariana Grande gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the timeless song on a rough day!
Adam Sandler vents at their teammates! The film producer who vents about the risky picture!
The players head to the locker room. Ariana Grande is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know Ariana Grande keeps a photo of her dog in her right shoe? It's a Bichon. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Adam Sandler can't find the range! Their loaded checkbook has better accuracy than that!
LeBron James fades away but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Stolen from CaseOh! A digital transformation consultant who let it slip through their fingers!
CaseOh glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this digital transformation consultant!
Ariana Grande gave it everything! Everything a songwriter has, left on the court!
LeBron James refuses the coach's embrace. Adam Sandler accepts it but his body is stiff. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
118-105 (W)
CaseOh steps onto the field house! From competing the game to this, game time!
Ariana Grande strings together a pull-up jumper under the basket. Pure God-given talent on full display!
Donald Trump reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
LeBron James with the no-look pass! This global icon has eyes in the back of the head!
This dude out of nowhere CaseOh recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Time to breathe. Donald Trump has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Donald Trump keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
LeBron James knocks down a pull-up jumper in transition! Ice in the veins!
An electric crowd reaches fever pitch as Ariana Grande takes the palace of hoops!
Adam Sandler makes the extra pass! This global icon hockey assist for a pull-up jumper!
Ariana Grande wears the songwriter badge with pride and plays with their acoustic guitar intensity!
Donald Trump wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their loaded checkbook and the pill!
Adam Sandler and LeBron James carry Ariana Grande like a trophy across the entire court. Did you know that Ariana Grande practices film producer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
115-101 (W)
Adam Sandler checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This generational talent Ariana Grande converts in the paint! A bucket right on cue!
LeBron James, this colossus, with the clutch monster swat! The crowd is on its feet!
LeBron James, this tower, finds the rolling big man! A finger roll off the assist!
Adam Sandler pulls up into the right spacing! Ridiculous creativity and elite court awareness!
The players head in. CaseOh slips on the wet tunnel floor. Juicy anecdote: CaseOh was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Adam Sandler knocks it down! Solid as a film producer with their loaded checkbook in hand!
The crowd chants CaseOh's name! A sold-out gym on fire for the digital transformation consultant with their bare hands!
Ariana Grande dribbles the leather into the right hands! This absolute legend quarterback!
Adam Sandler plays like they have something to prove to every film producer watching!
This franchise cornerstone Adam Sandler is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
CaseOh and Donald Trump pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-110 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Ariana Grande off the back iron! Hard miss, even a songwriter cringes at that!
CaseOh botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
CaseOh can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Adam Sandler launches to the rack for a bucket! Can't contain this miniature missile!
The players disappear. Adam Sandler has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Adam Sandler watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Donald Trump misses from the corner! From the right corner is no place for their loaded checkbook!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
LeBron James is gassed! This undisputed superstar bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Adam Sandler consoles teammates! The heart of a film producer in that moment!
Adam Sandler sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Ariana Grande puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-114 (L)
CaseOh looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Donald Trump can't connect! Their loaded checkbook in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
LeBron James throws it into the stands! What was that from this first-ballot legend!
Ariana Grande gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Adam Sandler scores at will! A double-clutch layup in transition! This basketball god domination!
Break! Ariana Grande heads straight to the bathroom moment she hits the locker room. Word is Ariana Grande sleeps with her basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Adam Sandler mouths off at with seconds left on the clock! A film producer venting about the risky picture!
CaseOh shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a digital transformation consultant would cringe!
Adam Sandler outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Adam Sandler takes the rest play! Even a film producer needs a breather!
Adam Sandler walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
LeBron James's complexion is grey. CaseOh's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
106-109 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Ariana Grande gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This global icon LeBron James finishes with authority! A thunderous slam back to the basket!
Donald Trump watches them score! Just watching, like watching their loaded checkbook gather dust!
LeBron James launches but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Back to the locker room. LeBron James punches his locker. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
LeBron James goes to work into a dead end! Tendency to rush in late-game situations!
LeBron James, this long boy, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
LeBron James takes off with conviction! This basketball god believes tonight is the night!
Ariana Grande penetrates and slips! Turnover in the first quarter! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Adam Sandler, this lightning-quick little man, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Donald Trump refuses Los Angeles Nursing-Home's handshake. Ariana Grande offers a limp one with just her fingertips. Did you know that Ariana Grande practices film producer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-109 (L)
Ariana Grande bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Adam Sandler heaves and misses! Should have heaved the risky picture instead!
CaseOh with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
A thunderous slam from CaseOh! Another dagger! This surprise package closing the door!
Finally a breather. Ariana Grande has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Ariana Grande keeps a photo of her dog in her right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This all-time great not happy with the situation!
Ariana Grande launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the timeless song, and it shows!
CaseOh directs traffic on the den! Traffic control by a digital transformation consultant with the game!
CaseOh finds a second wind! The digital transformation consultant engine roars back to life!
CaseOh refuses to make excuses! A digital transformation consultant owns the game failures too!
Donald Trump turns back to look at the court one last time. LeBron James doesn't turn around. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
118-94 (W)
This generational talent Adam Sandler in the starting lineup! Let's see what this generational talent brings!
Ariana Grande, this global icon, drills another fadeaway jumper facing the rim! Automatic!
Ariana Grande, this global icon, clamps down on the star player! A killer instinct on the assignment!
Donald Trump quarterbacks the offense! Commanding the floor like a film producer on the clock!
This franchise cornerstone Adam Sandler runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Halftime whistle. Ariana Grande flops into the first available chair. I've been told Ariana Grande always puts her left shoe on first. The one day she switched, gave up 40 points. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Ariana Grande drops a thunderous slam from the elbow! Range that would impress any songwriter!
Ariana Grande high-fives courtside fans! Those songwriter hands spreading the love!
LeBron James, this mammoth, sets the perfect screen! Iron discipline for the team!
LeBron James crosses over into the record books! This first-ballot legend making memories!
Adam Sandler walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to greenlighting the risky picture!
LeBron James does a handstand. Donald Trump holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
105-107 (L)
Donald Trump comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the film producer means business!
Adam Sandler turns the high post into a workshop. A bucket crafted with their loaded checkbook!
Ariana Grande bites on the pump fake! This undisputed superstar sent flying at the buzzer!
LeBron James, this living legend, with a contested hook shot that misses facing the rim!
Adam Sandler dribbles and scores! The comeback is on! This potential GOAT believing!
The players file out. Adam Sandler exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Adam Sandler blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Adam Sandler misses the wide-open look in the dying seconds! This living legend will regret that!
This potential GOAT LeBron James hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
CaseOh's teammates feed off the digital transformation consultant energy! That confidence is contagious!
CaseOh dribbles into trouble! Lost out there like a digital transformation consultant on the wrong floor!
This basketball god Adam Sandler shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
CaseOh taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. LeBron James walks through the door without pushing it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
110-115 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James means business! Fast start in the paint!
The technical flair of Adam Sandler recalls their film producer days. A scoop layup! Sublime!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
Adam Sandler fires and misses at half court. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
LeBron James, this titan, refuses to die! A two-handed slam keeps the dream alive!
Break time. LeBron James bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're back! The players look fired up.
Adam Sandler fails to box out! Lost the position, back to film producer school!
Donald Trump sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a film producer after a long shift!
Adam Sandler becomes the symbol of this long-awaited duel, a film producer defying all the odds!
Adam Sandler turns it over at after a timeout! Worst time to drop the pill!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the risky picture on a bad film producer day!
CaseOh has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Donald Trump has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-122 (L)
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
Ariana Grande misfires! The songwriter's precision with the timeless song is nowhere to be found!
Adam Sandler, this short king, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
Adam Sandler, this little guy, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
LeBron James dunks the ball with flair and hits a bucket! Sensational!
Halftime! Adam Sandler is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Adam Sandler entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
CaseOh, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Adam Sandler misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
This generational talent LeBron James attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
LeBron James spins sluggishly! Tendency to rush catching up with this certified GOAT candidate!
Adam Sandler hangs their head! A film producer who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Adam Sandler drags one foot after the other. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-114 (L)
CaseOh takes the court to immense pressure! The digital transformation consultant with their bare hands is here!
CaseOh, this diamond in the rough, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Donald Trump shoots into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, gets dunked on from way beyond the arc! Poster material!
This basketball god LeBron James throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Break. Ariana Grande asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Word is Ariana Grande sleeps with her basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
CaseOh whiffs on the jumper! A digital transformation consultant off their game with their bare hands!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James is a warrior but the body says no! The allotted time of war!
Ariana Grande with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Ariana Grande throws their hands up! Like a songwriter when their acoustic guitar breaks!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
CaseOh rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. LeBron James picks up his own and folds it carefully. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
101-108 (L)
Adam Sandler blows past onto the floor! The crowd roars for this undisputed superstar!
CaseOh misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
This franchise cornerstone Adam Sandler forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Donald Trump scores a buzzer beater! Their loaded checkbook by day, buckets by night!
Into the tunnel. Donald Trump grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Physio's confession: Donald Trump purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
CaseOh kicks the air! The frustration of a digital transformation consultant who knows they can do better!
Adam Sandler explodes but overcooks it! Hot head showing up again!
LeBron James uses the hesitation dribble! Natural-born leadership creating separation!
Adam Sandler powers through! The film producer in them won't quit on the risky picture!
Ariana Grande reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
Adam Sandler sits on the floor in the hallway. CaseOh sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-115 (L)
This diamond in the rough CaseOh opens the scoring! An and-one! Early advantage!
Brick! Donald Trump misfires at the buzzer! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Adam Sandler dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the film producer's finest moment!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Ariana Grande pops the jumper! Clean as their acoustic guitar after a polish!
End of the first half. CaseOh is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: CaseOh tried to impress the San Antonio Skyscrapers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
CaseOh buries their face! Hidden from view, the digital transformation consultant can't watch!
Adam Sandler rattles it out! Shaking the field house with their loaded checkbook intensity!
This generational talent Adam Sandler calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
LeBron James, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
LeBron James's eyes are glassy. Donald Trump mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I learned LeBron James used to be a film producer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-113 (L)
This rising star CaseOh comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer beater from way beyond the arc!
This basketball god Ariana Grande puts up a sky hook but it won't fall! Off night!
LeBron James dishes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Injury-prone body!
Adam Sandler dishes the towel! This once-in-a-lifetime player showing injury-prone body!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
CaseOh bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Ariana Grande short-arms the shot from fatigue! This certified GOAT candidate has nothing left!
Adam Sandler turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this film producer!
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This guy with rings on every finger ejected! Tendency to rush!
Adam Sandler shakes hands through the pain! A film producer who respects their loaded checkbook and the game!
LeBron James chews his nails on the bench. Adam Sandler stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
My Team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Adam Sandler. The man is a film producer. Yes, you heard that right. A film producer. On a basketball court. With their loaded checkbook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Adam Sandler had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
My Team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
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