My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Adolf Hitler. The man. Is. A soldier. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A soldier. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their service rifle and apparently, the technical motion of a soldier and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ comes out aggressive! Opens with a bank shot facing the rim!
Andrew Tate, this bonafide star, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Adolf Hitler dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a soldier like that!
Theodore Roosevelt, this pint-sized baller, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
Adolf Hitler mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Halftime. The doctor examines Ninja's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Ninja is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Ninja misses from the corner! Back to the basket is no place for their camera!
Adolf Hitler grabs the shorts! This global icon is running on fumes!
Ninja with the errant pass! This seasoned vet needs to settle down!
This basketball god Adolf Hitler fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Ninja leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a youtuber after the algorithm setback!
Andrew Tate sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Adolf Hitler has his head in his hands. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
105-92 (W)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
Theodore Roosevelt racks up a reverse layup! Productive night for this explorer!
Theodore Roosevelt, this basketball god, shuts down the play in transition! Lockdown defender!
Jesus Christ threads the needle! Precision of their bare hands through the game!
Theodore Roosevelt makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of an explorer behind the uncharted wild!
Halftime whistle. Theodore Roosevelt high-fives his teammates on the way out. Exclusive: Theodore Roosevelt was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, showcases night-in night-out consistency with a gorgeous step-back three!
Andrew Tate signs a kid's the opponent's guard! The mixed martial arts fighter meets the next generation!
Andrew Tate barks out defensive calls! The voice of the mouth guard echoes across the court!
Ninja's youtuber background shines through every play with the algorithm!
Adolf Hitler, this household name, soaks in the moment! Victory at half court! A fist pump toward the bench!
Theodore Roosevelt gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Adolf Hitler gives his shoes. Andrew Tate gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
103-119 (L)
Andrew Tate, this bonafide star, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
Andrew Tate fires away the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this headliner!
Andrew Tate loses the rock! A mixed martial arts fighter would never be this careless!
Theodore Roosevelt can't contain the drive! Breaching the uncharted wild is more containable!
Jesus Christ knocks down a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! Ice in the veins!
Halftime. Andrew Tate throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Andrew Tate once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Jesus Christ executes the delay! Patient as a messiah waiting for their bare hands results!
Andrew Tate short-arms the shot from fatigue! This headliner has nothing left!
Theodore Roosevelt, this compact dynamo, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ replays the score in his head on a loop. Andrew Tate tries to think about something else. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
104-93 (W)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Adolf Hitler banks it in transition! A soldier's steady hand at work!
Jesus Christ picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Adolf Hitler feeds the post! Nourishing the play with pure soldier instinct!
Ninja positions perfectly in the elbow! Placement of their camera on the algorithm!
First half is done. Ninja is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Ninja once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ with another deep three! You can't stop this man!
Kids in the stands mimic Andrew Tate's dismantling celebration! Adorable!
Andrew Tate finds the open teammate! This max-contract guy making everyone better!
From the workshop to the den, Adolf Hitler brings precision worthy of their service rifle!
Ninja celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their camera!
Theodore Roosevelt jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-107 (W)
Ninja spins onto the floor! The crowd roars for this player making noise!
Jesus Christ with the chase-down surgical steal! What athleticism!
Adolf Hitler, this short king, wastes a golden chance with a wild alley-oop!
Andrew Tate sinks it off the pick and roll. A mixed martial arts fighter never misses the opponent's guard, and never misses the hoop!
Jesus Christ executes a half-court set perfectly! Precision learned as a messiah!
Break! Adolf Hitler heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Theodore Roosevelt, this low-to-the-ground speedster, battles through contact for a scoop layup! Will not be denied!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, locks down the attacker! Next-level basketball IQ on the defensive end!
Andrew Tate gets a standing ovation every time they step on the temple of basketball! The mixed martial arts fighter aura!
Andrew Tate with the killer crossover on the final possession! This mixed martial arts fighter has handles!
Andrew Tate finishes what they started! Finishing the Wilson like finishing the opponent's guard!
Theodore Roosevelt improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Andrew Tate plays the imaginary violin. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
106-115 (L)
Ninja fires up the crowd to open the game! This well-respected player starting strong!
Adolf Hitler takes off the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this basketball god!
Adolf Hitler coughs it up! A soldier's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Ninja beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the algorithm slipping from a youtuber!
Adolf Hitler adds to the total! A soldier who always exceeds expectations!
Time to breathe. Adolf Hitler has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Locker room intel: Adolf Hitler has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Ninja dunks the pill right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Theodore Roosevelt calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ can barely jump! The springs are gone on the low block!
This reliable star Andrew Tate tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Ninja's eyes are red, jaw tight. Andrew Tate apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
98-99 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
What a shot from Ninja! A youtuber bringing their camera energy to the palace of hoops!
Jesus Christ left in the dust! Even a messiah moves faster than that!
Adolf Hitler, this all-time great, comes up empty! A fadeaway jumper off target from the left corner!
Adolf Hitler with back-to-back scores! The soldier assembly line of their service rifle!
The players head to the locker room. Jesus Christ is sweating like a racehorse. Confession: Jesus Christ tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This basketball god Jesus Christ misses the free throws! Shaky emotions under pressure at the line!
This all-time great Theodore Roosevelt can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
They said a mixed martial arts fighter couldn't play at this level. Andrew Tate and the mouth guard disagree!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler gets called for the charge in coming out of the locker room! Brutal!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Andrew Tate takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jesus Christ follows the same path. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-101 (L)
Theodore Roosevelt gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an explorer on day one!
Adolf Hitler can't buy a bucket! Another miss from downtown! Frustrating!
Andrew Tate with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
Andrew Tate gets blown by! Even a mixed martial arts fighter couldn't stop that!
Andrew Tate, this combo guard, carves up the defense for a free throw! Beautiful!
Break. Jesus Christ asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Ninja is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Adolf Hitler denied by the basket! Even a soldier can't pry it open!
Jesus Christ schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true messiah!
Andrew Tate is cramping up! This elite player trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
Adolf Hitler dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy with rings on every finger will learn from this.
Andrew Tate has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Jesus Christ has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-118 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this compact dynamo, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
Ninja can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the basketball differently than the algorithm!
Andrew Tate throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the mixed martial arts fighter got too confident!
Ninja, this all-around player, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Ninja goes coast to coast for a free throw! This well-respected player is relentless!
Break! Andrew Tate grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Bus driver's confession: Andrew Tate raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jesus Christ slams the basketball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
This dude putting the league on notice Ninja shanks a buzzer beater from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
This absolute legend Theodore Roosevelt attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Jesus Christ jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Ninja looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a youtuber!
Ninja mutters 'damn' under his breath. Andrew Tate says 'yeah' in the same tone. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
99-109 (L)
Andrew Tate begins their shift on the field house! A mixed martial arts fighter starting the mouth guard shift!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Andrew Tate throws it away! A pass worse than a mixed martial arts fighter tossing the opponent's guard!
Adolf Hitler gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a soldier's worst day on the job!
Andrew Tate converts under the basket! A deep three with trademark nerves of steel!
Break. Adolf Hitler asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Theodore Roosevelt, this miniature missile, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Andrew Tate launches and misses! The damn ball isn't the opponent's guard, and it shows!
Adolf Hitler slows the pace when the team needs it! This first-ballot legend tempo control!
Jesus Christ powers through! The messiah in them won't quit on the game!
Jesus Christ leaves the hardwood with dignity! The dignity of a messiah with their bare hands!
Andrew Tate's complexion is grey. Ninja's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I learned that Andrew Tate's father was a youtuber. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-115 (L)
The gym welcomes Ninja! The youtuber with the algorithm has arrived!
This basketball god Theodore Roosevelt rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
Jesus Christ dishes into a dead end driving to the hoop! Turnover! Injury-prone body!
Andrew Tate gets screened out of the play! This world-class player lost in traffic!
This guy with rings on every finger Adolf Hitler with a cold-blooded thunderous slam! No conscience!
Rest time. Andrew Tate isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Rumor has it Andrew Tate has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Theodore Roosevelt pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The explorer in them is showing!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Adolf Hitler, this guy with rings on every finger, manages the clock beautifully in the first half!
Theodore Roosevelt, this household name, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Andrew Tate walks off in defeat! Even a mixed martial arts fighter's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Andrew Tate has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-108 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Andrew Tate can't find the range! The mouth guard has better accuracy than that!
This guy with rings on every finger Theodore Roosevelt with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Ninja, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Lack of consistency!
Theodore Roosevelt pulls up and drills a bank shot! Can't teach that!
Halftime whistle. Ninja spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Small detail: Ninja wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
Andrew Tate sends it wide! The mouth guard wouldn't forgive that either!
Ninja dishes to the weak side! This player on the come-up exploiting the rotation!
Theodore Roosevelt gulps water! As thirsty as an explorer reaching for the uncharted wild!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Ninja refuses the coach's embrace. Andrew Tate accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
74-116 (L)
This all-time great Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Adolf Hitler can't convert! The soldier's touch with the front line deserted them!
Adolf Hitler dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the soldier's finest moment!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Theodore Roosevelt dribbles the towel! This all-time great showing tendency to force bad shots!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Andrew Tate can't buy a bucket! Maybe the opponent's guard would be easier to aim!
Jesus Christ is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
This up-and-coming baller Ninja commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
This player on the come-up Ninja stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this player on the come-up wanted.
Andrew Tate's lip is trembling. Jesus Christ dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-124 (L)
Adolf Hitler stretches center court! Loosening up, the soldier is getting ready!
Andrew Tate, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this multi-time All-Star!
Intercepted! Theodore Roosevelt's pass snatched right out of the air! An explorer would never be that careless!
Ninja caught flat-footed! Standing still, the youtuber reflexes took a nap!
Andrew Tate sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a mixed martial arts fighter after a long shift!
End of the second quarter. Adolf Hitler is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Adolf Hitler tried to impress the San Antonio Skyscrapers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Ninja, this guy with a proven track record, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
Theodore Roosevelt gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from breaching the uncharted wild and hooping!
This multi-time All-Star Andrew Tate dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Adolf Hitler can't hide the frustration! Their service rifle frustration meets the leather frustration!
Andrew Tate walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to mixed martial arts fighter life tomorrow!
Theodore Roosevelt walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-110 (L)
Adolf Hitler sets the tone early! The soldier came to play tonight!
Theodore Roosevelt gets blocked! Rejected harder than an explorer's worst day on the job!
Andrew Tate, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Injury-prone body in ball-handling!
This all-time great Adolf Hitler gives up the offensive rebound! Shaky emotions under pressure when boxing out!
A pull-up jumper from Jesus Christ under the basket! That's a statement right there!
Off to the locker room. Adolf Hitler has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Adolf Hitler started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Andrew Tate steps back angrily after the turnover! This multi-time All-Star spiraling!
Andrew Tate launches from deep and misses! A mixed martial arts fighter's range doesn't apply here!
Ninja communicates the switch! Clear as a youtuber's instructions!
Theodore Roosevelt cramps up! Muscles tight from the worn compass and the leather double duty!
Adolf Hitler takes the loss hard! Hard as the front line on a bad soldier day!
Ninja's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Theodore Roosevelt hides his eyes under a towel. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Adolf Hitler. The man. Is. A soldier. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A soldier. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their service rifle and apparently, the technical motion of a soldier and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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