My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Kai Cenat. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Stephen Hawking. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Kai Cenat bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Stephen Hawking can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this living legend!
Kevin Hart, this undersized dog, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the orange!
Erika Kirk gets blown by! Even a philanthropist couldn't stop that!
James Charles, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Stephen Hawking talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Kevin Hart misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their loaded checkbook at the risky picture!
Kai Cenat bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a streamer after their streaming rig overtime!
Kai Cenat dribbles it off their foot! Their streaming rig would never betray a streamer like that!
Stephen Hawking slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
Stephen Hawking sits alone on the bench. This guy with rings on every finger processing the defeat.
Erika Kirk leaves the court at a jog. Stephen Hawking stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I had a revelation: Stephen Hawking runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-120 (L)
This solid pro Erika Kirk means business! Fast start on the low block!
Kai Cenat with the ugly miss! The streamer touch is absent tonight!
Erika Kirk posts up into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Stephen Hawking gets posterized! A university professor framed by their lecture notes in the worst way!
Erika Kirk with a free throw in the paint! Competing the game in tight spaces!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Hawking punches his locker. Confession: Stephen Hawking calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This legit talent James Charles shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
James Charles gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the youtuber touch can't save that one!
Erika Kirk pins the defender! Pinning them down with philanthropist authority!
James Charles misses from fatigue! This name that's buzzing can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Kevin Hart sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a film producer after their loaded checkbook broke!
Kai Cenat walks toward the tunnel without a word. Kevin Hart stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-117 (L)
Kai Cenat steps onto the temple of basketball! From entertaining the live chat to this, game time!
Stephen Hawking misses the layup! Even the young scholars would have gone in easier!
Stephen Hawking with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!
Erika Kirk overcommits! Going all-in like a philanthropist on the game, but wrong!
James Charles finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a youtuber who's running late!
Halftime! Stephen Hawking has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This certified bucket Kevin Hart throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Erika Kirk, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this seasoned vet!
This up-and-coming baller Erika Kirk uses the floater over this swiss-army-knife type coverage! Smart!
Kevin Hart is visibly tired! This All-Star caliber talent needs a timeout badly!
Kevin Hart looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a film producer!
Erika Kirk's lip is trembling. Kevin Hart dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
75-120 (L)
Kevin Hart crosses over onto the floor! The crowd roars for this top-tier talent!
Kevin Hart, this elusive guard, loses the handle and the opportunity! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kevin Hart turns it over in the left wing! Butterfingers from this film producer!
This top-tier talent Kevin Hart fouls reaching in! Limited stamina on defense!
Kevin Hart stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Stephen Hawking walks head down toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Stephen Hawking has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
A step-back three from Stephen Hawking catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Erika Kirk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a philanthropist's energy for the game!
Erika Kirk throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure from downtown!
James Charles shoots and kicks the stanchion! This legit talent losing composure!
James Charles hangs their head! A youtuber who gave everything they had!
Kai Cenat's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Kevin Hart hides his eyes under a towel. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-124 (L)
Erika Kirk opens with a hook shot! This dude putting the league on notice making an early statement!
Kai Cenat misses from the corner! From mid-range is no place for their streaming rig!
Kai Cenat loses the basketball! A streamer would never be this careless!
This bonafide star Kevin Hart picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Kevin Hart looks to the heavens! A film producer praying for their loaded checkbook to work!
Both teams head in. Kai Cenat has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know? Kai Cenat tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The players look fired up.
Kevin Hart with the contested deep three from downtown! No good! Bad selection!
Kai Cenat stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a streamer over the live chat!
Erika Kirk, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Kevin Hart can't mask the disappointment! This franchise guy wearing it on the sleeve!
Erika Kirk packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Erika Kirk and Kevin Hart walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
80-124 (L)
James Charles, this hooper's hooper, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Kai Cenat misses the free throw! Entertaining the live chat under pressure is easier!
Kevin Hart gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Kevin Hart reacts too late to rotate! Defense that's basically a suggestion on the help side!
Kevin Hart glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this film producer!
The locker room fills up. Stephen Hawking has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Air ball from Kai Cenat! Being a streamer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Erika Kirk slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
James Charles coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Stephen Hawking vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
Erika Kirk consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
Stephen Hawking watches the crowd file out in silence. James Charles prefers not to look. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-129 (L)
Stephen Hawking, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
This guy with a proven track record James Charles whiffs on a fadeaway jumper! The crowd groans!
Kevin Hart, this short king, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Kai Cenat turns the head and loses the man! This next-level player napping defensively!
This established player Kai Cenat stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime! Kevin Hart has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Word is Kevin Hart sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Erika Kirk, this all-around player, bobbles the pill and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
Stephen Hawking misses from fatigue! Tired arms from challenging the young scholars all week!
This big-name player Kevin Hart with turnover number buckets! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Kevin Hart sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a film producer after a long shift!
Kai Cenat fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the streamer gave everything!
Erika Kirk mutters 'damn' under her breath. Kevin Hart says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-125 (L)
This big-name player Kevin Hart gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A devastating dunk from Kai Cenat hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
Kai Cenat with the careless pass! Entertaining the live chat with more care, please!
Kevin Hart gets burned on the drive! Shaky emotions under pressure in lateral movement!
Kevin Hart storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
Time to breathe. Kai Cenat has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. The staff told me Kai Cenat sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kai Cenat rattles it out! Shaking the gymnasium with their streaming rig intensity!
Kevin Hart waves for a timeout! The film producer needs the risky picture break!
Stephen Hawking with the backcourt violation! A university professor going backwards with the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated on the low block!
Kai Cenat had the chances but couldn't convert. This league veteran left wanting.
Kai Cenat closes his eyes walking out. James Charles keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-134 (L)
The arena welcomes Kai Cenat! The streamer with the live chat has arrived!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Hart muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
Kai Cenat throws it into the stands! What was that from this respected competitor!
Erika Kirk falls asleep on the weak side! Heavy feet exposed!
Kevin Hart, this multi-time All-Star, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Coach calls everyone back. Erika Kirk drags her feet toward the tunnel. Did you know? Erika Kirk tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The players look fired up.
Kevin Hart fires and misses from the low block. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
Kai Cenat powers through! The streamer in them won't quit on the live chat!
James Charles loses possession! The algorithm never leaves a youtuber's hands like that!
James Charles tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the youtuber will bounce back!
James Charles walks off in silence. This up-and-coming baller gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Erika Kirk replays the score in her head on a loop. Kevin Hart tries to think about something else. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-119 (L)
James Charles, this solid build, takes the court! The electric crowd is electric!
Kai Cenat, this established player, comes up empty! A bucket off target under the basket!
James Charles trips up in the top of the key! A youtuber never trips at work... Right?
Stephen Hawking can't contain the drive! Challenging the young scholars is more containable!
Kevin Hart, this undersized dog, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
End of the second quarter. James Charles is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: James Charles once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
A pull-up jumper by Kevin Hart at the buzzer is way off! Tough night for this world-class player!
Kevin Hart calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
Stolen from Erika Kirk! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Kai Cenat walks away muttering! Muttering about the live chat under their breath!
James Charles shakes hands through the pain! A youtuber who respects their camera and the game!
Kai Cenat punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Kevin Hart slides down the wall to the floor. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (L)
Erika Kirk stretches center court! Loosening up, the philanthropist is getting ready!
Erika Kirk, this do-it-all player, can't get a pull-up jumper to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Kevin Hart with a wild pass that sails out! This multi-time All-Star giving it away!
James Charles gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a youtuber's worst day on the job!
Kevin Hart throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
The locker room fills up. Kai Cenat has already eaten three oranges. They say Kai Cenat eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
James Charles shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a youtuber would cringe!
Kai Cenat, this versatile guy, looks exhausted from downtown! The legs are gone!
Kai Cenat commits the live-ball turnover! Their streaming rig would be ashamed!
Erika Kirk, this established player, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
James Charles leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a youtuber after the algorithm setback!
Kai Cenat walks head down toward the tunnel. James Charles drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I learned that Kai Cenat's father was a philanthropist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
Kevin Hart starts in the small forward! Playing the small forward the way a film producer plays with their loaded checkbook!
Stephen Hawking launches the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this household name!
Erika Kirk botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Stephen Hawking gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
This next-level player Kai Cenat can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
James Charles misses the open look! A youtuber never misses the algorithm... But misses the damn ball!
Stephen Hawking is running on fumes! The university professor tank is completely empty!
This hooper's hooper Kai Cenat commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Erika Kirk kicks the air! The frustration of a philanthropist who knows they can do better!
This solid pro James Charles congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this solid pro.
Erika Kirk sits on the floor in the hallway. Stephen Hawking sits down next to her. Nobody speaks. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-135 (L)
James Charles fires up the crowd to open the game! This name that's buzzing starting strong!
A bank shot attempt by Erika Kirk falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Kevin Hart tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Erika Kirk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the philanthropist reflexes took a nap!
Kevin Hart dishes the towel! This established star showing limited stamina!
Halftime. Erika Kirk is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Erika Kirk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
James Charles shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A youtuber lost in the noise!
This hooper's hooper Erika Kirk is a warrior but the body says no! The allotted time of war!
Stephen Hawking charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
This seasoned vet Erika Kirk fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This guy with a proven track record Kai Cenat leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Kevin Hart whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Erika Kirk nods without conviction. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-123 (L)
This player making noise James Charles opens the scoring! A deep three! Early advantage!
Kevin Hart can't find the range! Their loaded checkbook has better accuracy than that!
Kai Cenat with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost streamer!
James Charles bites on the fake! Fooled like a youtuber by counterfeit the algorithm!
This reliable star Kevin Hart slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
The players head to the locker room. Kai Cenat is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote of the day: Kai Cenat forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Stephen Hawking bricks another one! Building something awful with their lecture notes tonight!
Kevin Hart plays through exhaustion! The endurance of greenlighting the risky picture daily!
James Charles, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass on the low block!
James Charles dribbles away from the huddle! This next-level player in a dark place mentally!
Stephen Hawking shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This living legend will learn from this.
James Charles mutters while walking out. Erika Kirk watches from the corner of her eye, worried. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
Erika Kirk takes the court to a sold-out gym on fire! The philanthropist with their bare hands is here!
Kevin Hart lets fly and fires but misses everything! Injury-prone body tonight!
Stephen Hawking double-dribbles! Challenging the young scholars doesn't have that rule!
James Charles left in the dust! Even a youtuber moves faster than that!
Stephen Hawking pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The university professor in them is showing!
Halftime. Erika Kirk throws her towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Erika Kirk always puts her left shoe on first. The one day she switched, gave up 40 points. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kevin Hart misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
Stephen Hawking gulps water! As thirsty as a university professor reaching for the young scholars!
Turnover by Stephen Hawking! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
James Charles mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Despite the loss, James Charles held their own with the algorithm! The youtuber fought!
Erika Kirk whispers 'this can't be real' under her breath. James Charles nods without conviction. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Kai Cenat. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Stephen Hawking. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.
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