myles — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | myles | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... Myles! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. General Grievous. Standing at 216 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jeffrey Epstein. A philanthropist. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a philanthropist, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jeffrey Epstein has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu announces themselves! The military personnel has arrived and the building knows it!
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein short-arms a sky hook at half court! Not enough lift!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass driving to the hoop!
Benjamin Netanyahu watches them score! Just watching, like watching their service rifle gather dust!
This next-level player Cyborg slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Rest time. Kratos isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Little secret: Kratos has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Kratos just barely misses! Close as a warrior getting the contested ground almost right!
Kratos tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a warrior's energy for the contested ground!
Cyborg with the errant pass! This hooper's hooper needs to settle down!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
General Grievous absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a military personnel knows tough days!
Benjamin Netanyahu looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Cyborg looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-112 (L)
Tip-off! Benjamin Netanyahu gets us started! Let's go!
Jeffrey Epstein, this guy with rings on every finger, sends the Wilson wide! The touch is off tonight!
Kratos loses the Spalding! A warrior would never be this careless!
Jeffrey Epstein beaten to the spot! Slower than a philanthropist on a Monday morning!
Cyborg, this player making noise, reads the play perfectly and delivers a buzzer beater!
Halftime whistle. General Grievous flops into the first available chair. They say General Grievous has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Benjamin Netanyahu drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a military personnel's spirit has limits!
Jeffrey Epstein sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this philanthropist!
Benjamin Netanyahu fires away into the right spacing! Next-level basketball IQ and elite court awareness!
Cyborg drives but can't sustain the effort! Defense that's basically a suggestion emptying the tank!
This league veteran Cyborg congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this league veteran.
Benjamin Netanyahu stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jeffrey Epstein exhales. Again. And again. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
110-106 (W)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jeffrey Epstein comes out aggressive! Opens with a double-clutch layup from the left corner!
General Grievous with the huge monster swat along the baseline! This dude putting the league on notice says no!
Cyborg, this dude putting the league on notice, with a contested off-balance shot that misses under the basket!
Benjamin Netanyahu just treated the leather way they treat the frontline. A devastating dunk, bang!
Jeffrey Epstein creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, philanthropist-level thinking!
Break! General Grievous takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: General Grievous failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Cyborg with the dagger buzzer beater! This next-level player buries the opposition!
Cyborg reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
The entire arena rises for Kratos! A warrior lifted by the notched blade and love!
Benjamin Netanyahu with the clutch rebound! This potential GOAT fighting for every ball!
Kratos walks off the field house victorious! A warrior who conquered it all tonight!
Cyborg, General Grievous, and Benjamin Netanyahu pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-102 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Jeffrey Epstein muscles through for a scoop layup! The strength of a philanthropist moving the game!
Kratos fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a warrior chasing the contested ground!
This name that's buzzing General Grievous with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Kratos won't go down without a fight! A warrior defending the contested ground to the end!
Halftime. General Grievous glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: General Grievous threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
General Grievous dribbles into trouble! Lost out there like a military personnel on the wrong floor!
This solid pro Kratos throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
Kratos misfires on the potential dagger! This seasoned vet lets them off the hook!
Cyborg, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
General Grievous leaves the court at a jog. Jeffrey Epstein stays there, planted at center court, motionless. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-96 (W)
General Grievous sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein forces the bad shot! Their bare hands intimidation factor!
General Grievous with a rough scoop layup under the basket! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
General Grievous, this well-respected player, knifes through for a catch-and-shoot triple off the pick and roll! Wow!
This basketball god Jeffrey Epstein runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
The players leave the court. Cyborg clings to the tunnel railing. Locker room intel: Cyborg has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Benjamin Netanyahu hits nothing but net! A bank shot in the extra period! Insane court vision!
Cyborg with the suffocating defense! This league veteran is a wall out there!
A sold-out gym on fire as General Grievous checks in for the fourth quarter! The military personnel returns!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this solid build, comes up big! A sky hook in late in the quarter! Legend!
Kratos leaves everything on the palace of hoops! Left it all out there tonight!
Cyborg launches his shoe into the air. General Grievous catches it. Standing ovation. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-122 (L)
And we're underway! Kratos touches the orange first! This up-and-coming baller looks eager!
Jeffrey Epstein misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
This household name Benjamin Netanyahu commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to force bad shots!
General Grievous gets blown by! Even a military personnel couldn't stop that!
Cyborg, this next-level player, operates under the basket with a half-court heave! Clinic!
Intermission. Kratos dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Kratos talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Benjamin Netanyahu looks to the heavens! A military personnel praying for their service rifle to work!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Kratos communicates the switch! Clear as a warrior's instructions!
Jeffrey Epstein is cramping up! This absolute legend trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Jeffrey Epstein fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the philanthropist gave everything!
Kratos kicks his towel across the floor. Cyborg has already left for the locker room, alone. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
91-99 (L)
General Grievous, this name that's buzzing, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Cyborg launches a hook shot and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
General Grievous dishes into a dead end facing the rim! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Cyborg, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
Jeffrey Epstein turns the key into a workshop. A floater crafted with their bare hands!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Cyborg asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Cyborg talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Benjamin Netanyahu, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
General Grievous shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a military personnel would cringe!
Cyborg, this do-it-all player, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Cyborg is gassed! This seasoned vet bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Cyborg, this all-around player, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
General Grievous's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jeffrey Epstein apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned backstage that Jeffrey Epstein also does military personnel on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-113 (L)
Kratos takes the court to wild stands! The warrior with the notched blade is here!
Cyborg, this all-around player, can't get a euro-step to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Cyborg coughs up the ball! Injury-prone body strikes again under the basket!
General Grievous can't stay in front! Defending the frontline doesn't build lateral quickness!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein finishes with authority! A bank shot from the left corner!
Break! General Grievous rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: General Grievous slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
General Grievous throws their hands up! Like a military personnel when their service rifle breaks!
Jeffrey Epstein gets blocked! Rejected harder than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
Kratos, this seasoned vet, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Kratos looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a warrior relieved of the notched blade!
Kratos packs up and heads out! Packing the notched blade, unpacking emotions!
Jeffrey Epstein walks toward the tunnel without a word. Kratos stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
113-101 (W)
This global icon Jeffrey Epstein opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Jeffrey Epstein with another pull-up jumper! You can't stop this man!
Kratos takes the charge! Tough as nails, that's a warrior who doesn't back down!
Cyborg dishes the damn ball with precision! Assist from the left corner! Floor general!
Kratos changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a warrior!
Coach calls everyone back. Cyborg drags his feet toward the tunnel. Word is Cyborg sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Kratos goes coast to coast for a thunderous slam! This next-level player is relentless!
General Grievous signs a kid's the frontline! The military personnel meets the next generation!
General Grievous feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with military personnel generosity!
The announcers share Jeffrey Epstein's philanthropist story,competing the game since age 16!
Kratos carries the team to victory! Strong as a warrior on a Monday morning!
Jeffrey Epstein hits a dab in 2026. Kratos does an ironic dab. Benjamin Netanyahu has no idea what that is. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
106-89 (W)
General Grievous, this beanpole, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Cyborg with the decisive floater! Scary good handles when it matters most!
Kratos blocks from behind! Came outta nowhere like a warrior on a mission!
Kratos whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This do-it-all player seeing everything!
Benjamin Netanyahu adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a military personnel with the frontline!
Break. Jeffrey Epstein collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: Jeffrey Epstein has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
What a play by General Grievous! A half-court heave at half court! This solid pro is cooking!
Immense pressure fills the arena! This up-and-coming baller Kratos feeds off the energy!
General Grievous makes the extra pass! This next-level player hockey assist for a buzzer beater!
Benjamin Netanyahu's military personnel background shines through every play with the frontline!
General Grievous soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a military personnel savoring glory!
Kratos does the floss while Cyborg spins like a top. General Grievous just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-128 (L)
The game begins and Cyborg is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
Kratos shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A warrior lost in the noise!
Sloppy handling by Jeffrey Epstein! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jeffrey Epstein gets screened out of the play! This potential GOAT lost in traffic!
This established player Kratos stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The players file out. Kratos exchanges a tense look with the coach. Juicy intel: Kratos turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Kratos lets fly but it's well off! Lack of consistency under fatigue!
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, looks exhausted from mid-range! The legs are gone!
Turnover by Benjamin Netanyahu! Defending the frontline requires less coordination, clearly!
Jeffrey Epstein fades away away from the huddle! This potential GOAT in a dark place mentally!
Cyborg blows past to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy with a proven track record will learn from this.
Jeffrey Epstein walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Benjamin Netanyahu speeds up. Wants it to be over. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-116 (L)
Game time! Cyborg and this player making noise ready to put on a show at the floor!
Benjamin Netanyahu forces a floater at half court! This first-ballot legend trying too hard!
General Grievous charges right into the defender! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas when controlling pace!
Kratos reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Cyborg rises up past the defense for an off-balance shot! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!
Break! Jeffrey Epstein rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Juicy anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Benjamin Netanyahu shakes their head! A military personnel who can't believe that just happened!
This basketball god Benjamin Netanyahu shanks a finger roll from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Benjamin Netanyahu spaces the floor! Making room out there like a military personnel clears the workspace!
Kratos, this dude putting the league on notice, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Benjamin Netanyahu walks off in defeat! Even a military personnel's skills couldn't save tonight!
Cyborg kicks his towel across the floor. General Grievous has already left for the locker room, alone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
106-113 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu steps onto the floor! From defending the frontline to this, game time!
Cyborg with the off-balance sky hook! This up-and-coming baller couldn't set the feet!
General Grievous botches the handoff! Even their service rifle exchanges go smoother!
General Grievous bites on the fake! Fooled like a military personnel by counterfeit the frontline!
Kratos with a finger-roll half-court heave! Dexterity you only get from years as a warrior!
Cut! Halftime. Kratos's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Quick anecdote about Kratos: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kratos vents at their teammates! The warrior who vents about the contested ground!
General Grievous rattles it out! Shaking the field house with their service rifle intensity!
Jeffrey Epstein adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the philanthropist approach!
This respected competitor Cyborg signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to force bad shots!
This up-and-coming baller Cyborg tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kratos clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Cyborg fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-129 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a military personnel plays with their service rifle!
Cyborg misses the open look! This legit talent can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
This undisputed superstar Benjamin Netanyahu loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
Kratos gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Benjamin Netanyahu mouths off on a strategic timeout! A military personnel venting about the frontline!
Intermission. Benjamin Netanyahu dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Benjamin Netanyahu talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A layup attempt by Kratos falls short! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jeffrey Epstein, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Cyborg, this next-level player, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Cyborg walks off in silence. This solid pro gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Benjamin Netanyahu chews his nails on the bench. Cyborg stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
89-133 (L)
This hooper's hooper Cyborg in the starting lineup! Let's see what this hooper's hooper brings!
Brick! Jeffrey Epstein misfires under the basket! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Benjamin Netanyahu dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the military personnel's finest moment!
Jeffrey Epstein lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
General Grievous tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military personnel will bounce back!
The players head in. Jeffrey Epstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kratos, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
General Grievous leans on their knees! Gassed, but the military personnel keeps going!
Cyborg passes to nobody! This well-respected player with a head-scratching decision!
Kratos storms to the bench! This next-level player is visibly upset!
Cyborg reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Benjamin Netanyahu avoids the cameras like the plague. General Grievous gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
myles finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: General Grievous.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... Myles!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. General Grievous. Standing at 216 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jeffrey Epstein. A philanthropist. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a philanthropist, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jeffrey Epstein has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
myles finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: General Grievous.
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