My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Sean Combs. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Sean Combs. A philanthropist. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a philanthropist, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Sean Combs has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
The floor welcomes Jeffrey Epstein! The philanthropist with the game has arrived!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look from mid-range but the lid's on the rim!
Stephen Hawking, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free at half court! Costly lapse!
Ted Bundy storms to the bench! This guy with rings on every finger is visibly upset!
The players leave the court. Stephen Hawking clings to the tunnel railing. Small detail: Stephen Hawking wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Stephen Hawking can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the rock differently than the young scholars!
Sean Combs is gassed! This headliner bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Donald Trump with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Ted Bundy, this lightning-quick little man, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Stephen Hawking walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes Donald Trump's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
109-85 (W)
Ted Bundy huddles with the team! Huddling up, the serial killer strategizes!
Ted Bundy attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Sean Combs disrupts the play! Maximum disruption, the philanthropist is wreaking havoc!
Jeffrey Epstein with the alley-oop pass! Launching the Wilson with philanthropist precision!
Donald Trump executes the delay! Patient as a film producer waiting for their loaded checkbook results!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Hawking high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know? Stephen Hawking has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Sean Combs scores again! When you're a philanthropist by trade, the Spalding is child's play!
The building is buzzing! Jeffrey Epstein and palpable tension creating magic!
Jeffrey Epstein draws the attention! Magnetic presence, the philanthropist aura is undeniable!
Stephen Hawking reminds us that greatness comes from loving what you do! The university professor knows!
Stephen Hawking hangs up the arm sleeve! Calling it a night, the university professor is done!
Donald Trump jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-125 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Stephen Hawking misfires from along the baseline! This global icon searching for answers!
Stephen Hawking fires away into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Ted Bundy gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Ted Bundy, this lightning-quick little man, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
Back to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein punches his locker. Intel: Jeffrey Epstein refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Donald Trump shoots an air ball in a Playoff atmosphere! A film producer lost in the noise!
Sean Combs powers through! The philanthropist in them won't quit on the game!
This headliner Sean Combs with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Stephen Hawking slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Ted Bundy has his head in his hands. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-97 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Hawking is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Donald Trump racks up a devastating dunk! Productive night for this film producer!
Donald Trump gets screened out! Stuck behind their loaded checkbook like it's a wall!
Ted Bundy launches from deep and misses! A serial killer's range doesn't apply here!
Ted Bundy scores on three straight possessions! Stalking the unsuspecting prey rhythm!
Players head to the locker room. Stephen Hawking has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs gets called for the charge at the last second! Brutal!
Stephen Hawking crosses over the towel! This potential GOAT showing tendency to rush!
Sean Combs brings blue-collar their bare hands grit to the palace of hoops!
Jeffrey Epstein misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this certified GOAT candidate.
Ted Bundy turns back to look at the court one last time. Stephen Hawking doesn't turn around. I got a text from Ted Bundy after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-105 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, gets the look but can't convert from the right corner!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
Stephen Hawking gives up the easy bucket! Easier than challenging the young scholars!
Jeffrey Epstein banks it at half court! A philanthropist's steady hand at work!
The players leave the court. Donald Trump clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Donald Trump was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jeffrey Epstein gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Sean Combs gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the philanthropist touch can't save that one!
Stephen Hawking goes small-ball! Adapting like a university professor who reads the room!
Sean Combs grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Donald Trump reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Jeffrey Epstein takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Donald Trump follows the same path. I learned tonight that Jeffrey Epstein used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-98 (W)
Sean Combs steps onto the hardwood! From competing the game to this, game time!
Stephen Hawking rejects the layup! An iron-wall defense by this solid build! Get that out!
Jeffrey Epstein, this basketball god, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Stephen Hawking dunks and fires a step-back three! This combo guard lighting it up!
Stephen Hawking reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this university professor!
That's a wrap for now. Sean Combs dives into the tunnel. Intel: Sean Combs refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Stephen Hawking is absolutely on fire! Burning brighter than a university professor in their prime!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, contests everything on the low block! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
The announcer calls Jeffrey Epstein 'The philanthropist!' the palace of hoops roars its approval!
Sean Combs with the pressure-proof buzzer beater from way beyond the arc! Late in the quarter!
Stephen Hawking daps up the opponent! Respect from this absolute legend after the battle!
Donald Trump and Stephen Hawking slap each other's butts. Sean Combs declines the invitation. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-128 (L)
And we're underway! Jeffrey Epstein touches the basketball first! This franchise cornerstone looks eager!
Ted Bundy can't score in the first quarter! This serial killer is way off tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure at half court!
Sean Combs, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Rest. Ted Bundy buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. I've been told Ted Bundy once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This household name Jeffrey Epstein shanks an off-balance shot in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Stephen Hawking, this living legend, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Jeffrey Epstein throws it away! A pass worse than a philanthropist tossing the game!
Sean Combs glares at the orange! Like it personally betrayed this philanthropist!
Jeffrey Epstein consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
Stephen Hawking avoids the cameras like the plague. Ted Bundy gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-134 (L)
Donald Trump begins their shift on the den! A film producer starting the their loaded checkbook shift!
Air ball from Stephen Hawking! Being a university professor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Ted Bundy, this lightning-quick little man, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
Ted Bundy loses their assignment! Like losing their chilling method in the workshop!
Stephen Hawking tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the university professor will bounce back!
Back to the locker room. Ted Bundy's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. They say Ted Bundy eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Sean Combs heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Stephen Hawking asks for ice! Cooling down, even a university professor's engine needs a rest!
Sean Combs with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Donald Trump, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
This certified GOAT candidate Stephen Hawking tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Donald Trump walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Sean Combs drags one foot after the other. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-116 (L)
Stephen Hawking opens with a sky hook! This all-time great making an early statement!
Jeffrey Epstein forces a bad tear drop! This living legend needs to trust teammates!
Ted Bundy passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Sean Combs gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Stephen Hawking attacks driving to the hoop and finishes with a deep three! Too good!
Into the tunnel. Donald Trump grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Small detail: Donald Trump wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Stephen Hawking throws their hands up! Like a university professor when their lecture notes breaks!
Ted Bundy launches a step-back three and... Airball! Heavy feet at its peak!
Stephen Hawking, this living legend, manipulates the defense with the eyes! An unmatched feel for the game!
Stephen Hawking leans on their knees! Gassed, but the university professor keeps going!
Sean Combs shakes hands through the pain! A philanthropist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Jeffrey Epstein turns back to look at the court one last time. Stephen Hawking doesn't turn around. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-127 (L)
Donald Trump, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Ted Bundy clanks another one off the rim! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to find rhythm!
Donald Trump trips up in the free-throw line! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
This guy with rings on every finger Ted Bundy picks up the cheap foul! Limited stamina showing!
Ted Bundy, this short king, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Heading in. Sean Combs's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Sean Combs threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Ted Bundy, this elusive guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild catch-and-shoot triple!
Donald Trump drives but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Ted Bundy with a wild pass that sails out! This global icon giving it away!
Jeffrey Epstein fires away away from the huddle! This potential GOAT in a dark place mentally!
This absolute legend Donald Trump leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
Donald Trump replays the score in his head on a loop. Sean Combs tries to think about something else. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-124 (L)
Sean Combs takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This world-class player locked in!
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Jeffrey Epstein coughs it up! A philanthropist's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Stephen Hawking turns the head and loses the man! This once-in-a-lifetime player napping defensively!
Donald Trump slams the damn ball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Rest. Sean Combs buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Sean Combs collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Donald Trump short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their loaded checkbook!
Donald Trump, this undisputed superstar, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to force bad shots!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Jeffrey Epstein looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a philanthropist!
Sean Combs lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Stephen Hawking holds his in. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
75-116 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Stephen Hawking with a wild attempt! This franchise cornerstone not finding the range tonight!
This big-name player Sean Combs gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
This household name Jeffrey Epstein caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Ted Bundy walks away muttering! Muttering about the unsuspecting prey under their breath!
Halftime! Ted Bundy is limping slightly heading off the court. Little secret: Ted Bundy watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Stephen Hawking, this first-ballot legend, comes up empty! A sky hook off target off the pick and roll!
Jeffrey Epstein takes the rest play! Even a philanthropist needs a breather!
Jeffrey Epstein takes off the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
This absolute legend Stephen Hawking can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Sean Combs leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Sean Combs sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Donald Trump has his head in his hands. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
78-120 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein takes the court to palpable tension! The philanthropist with their bare hands is here!
Ted Bundy dishes the pill into nothing! Heavy feet on full display tonight!
Stephen Hawking loses the leather! A university professor would never be this careless!
Stephen Hawking gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Ted Bundy can't hide the frustration! Their chilling method frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Sean Combs walks head down toward the tunnel. They say Sean Combs eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Jeffrey Epstein, this basketball god, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Ted Bundy gulps water! As thirsty as a serial killer reaching for the unsuspecting prey!
Donald Trump turns it over at late in the quarter! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
This absolute legend Ted Bundy shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Ted Bundy packs up and heads out! Packing their chilling method, unpacking emotions!
Sean Combs stares at the floor while Donald Trump mutters something inaudible under his breath. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-119 (L)
Donald Trump lands the first and-one! First blood! The film producer strikes first!
Jeffrey Epstein can't hit from the key! That zone is cursed for this philanthropist!
Sloppy handling by Stephen Hawking! Challenging the young scholars is done with more finesse!
Sean Combs watches helplessly! A philanthropist watching the game fall off the shelf!
Jeffrey Epstein with the step-back catch-and-shoot triple! Creating space like a philanthropist with their bare hands!
First half is done. Stephen Hawking is chugging Gatorade like it's water. I've been told Stephen Hawking once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Sean Combs dribbles and kicks the stanchion! This franchise guy losing composure!
Ted Bundy misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the unsuspecting prey!
Stephen Hawking exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their lecture notes acumen!
Donald Trump labors up the court! Trudging like a film producer dragging the risky picture!
Donald Trump lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Jeffrey Epstein walks head down toward the tunnel. Donald Trump drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-117 (L)
Stephen Hawking locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
Sean Combs bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein with the errant pass! This absolute legend needs to settle down!
Ted Bundy beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the unsuspecting prey slipping from a serial killer!
Ted Bundy pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The serial killer in them is showing!
Break. Sean Combs's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Sean Combs plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Jeffrey Epstein misfires off the pick and roll! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
Sean Combs finds a second wind! The philanthropist engine roars back to life!
Intercepted! Donald Trump's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Donald Trump dribbles angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Donald Trump walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to film producer life tomorrow!
Jeffrey Epstein lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Donald Trump decides not to comment. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jeffrey Epstein's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sean Combs.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Sean Combs. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Sean Combs. A philanthropist. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a philanthropist, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Sean Combs has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sean Combs.
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