My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Gordon Ramsay on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Gordon Ramsay is on this team. Gordon Ramsay, who is a chef and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their blazing wok under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
Gordon Ramsay, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Iron discipline from the jump!
This basketball god Santa Claus misses the mark! A bucket goes begging at the buzzer!
This league veteran Peter Griffin dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Peter Griffin gets caught flat-footed! This player making noise beaten to the spot!
Gordon Ramsay looks to the heavens! A chef praying for their blazing wok to work!
Halftime. Gordon Ramsay is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Gordon Ramsay tried to impress the Detroit Engine-Roar players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
William Shakespeare can't hit from the perimeter! That zone is cursed for this playwright!
Gordon Ramsay struggles in the first quarter! The chef hitting the wall with the perfect steak!
Gordon Ramsay fades away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Charlie Kirk slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Gordon Ramsay walks off in defeat! Even a chef's skills couldn't save tonight!
William Shakespeare rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Gordon Ramsay picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
75-120 (L)
William Shakespeare checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
William Shakespeare with a wild attempt! This undisputed superstar not finding the range tonight!
Charlie Kirk loses the rock! A conspiracy theorist would never be this careless!
William Shakespeare gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a playwright's worst day on the job!
William Shakespeare pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The playwright in them is showing!
Break! Peter Griffin rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: Peter Griffin once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This headliner Gordon Ramsay puts up a double-clutch layup but it won't fall! Off night!
Gordon Ramsay is running on pure willpower! This jersey-selling name refusing to quit!
Peter Griffin takes off into a dead end facing the rim! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This guy with a proven track record Peter Griffin can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This player on the come-up Peter Griffin stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this player on the come-up wanted.
Peter Griffin presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. William Shakespeare walks right past without noticing. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-120 (L)
The den welcomes Santa Claus! The distribution manager with the supply chain has arrived!
Peter Griffin fires a finger roll off the pick and roll but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Santa Claus throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the distribution manager got too confident!
This first-ballot legend Charlie Kirk can't recover! Scored on back to the basket! Occasional mental lapses!
Peter Griffin lets fly away from the huddle! This solid pro in a dark place mentally!
Halftime! Gordon Ramsay has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Bus driver's confession: Gordon Ramsay raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Peter Griffin, this guy with a proven track record, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
This solid pro Peter Griffin can't close out! The legs are shot off the pick and roll!
William Shakespeare turns it over at late in the quarter! A playwright dropping their fountain pen at the worst time!
This hooper's hooper Peter Griffin gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
William Shakespeare packs up and heads out! Packing their fountain pen, unpacking emotions!
Charlie Kirk shakes Santa Claus's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-126 (L)
Charlie Kirk bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Gordon Ramsay bricks another one! Building something awful with their blazing wok tonight!
Peter Griffin, this solid build, gets stripped from the right corner! Limited stamina exposed!
Gordon Ramsay overcommits and gets beat! Lack of consistency when reading the play!
Peter Griffin, this dude putting the league on notice, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Peter Griffin picks up the pace. Fun fact: Peter Griffin blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Peter Griffin with the off-balance euro-step! This next-level player couldn't set the feet!
Peter Griffin rises up but can't sustain the effort! Tendency to rush emptying the tank!
William Shakespeare loses possession! The gripping act never leaves a playwright's hands like that!
This hall-of-fame lock Charlie Kirk hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!
William Shakespeare reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Santa Claus and Peter Griffin share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
77-122 (L)
Charlie Kirk, this certified GOAT candidate, draws first blood! A floater to start!
This certified GOAT candidate Santa Claus misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
William Shakespeare throws it out of bounds! Like launching their fountain pen into the void!
Peter Griffin gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This headliner Gordon Ramsay stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Time to breathe. Charlie Kirk has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know? Charlie Kirk tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
William Shakespeare shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a playwright would cringe!
Charlie Kirk can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of competing the game!
Santa Claus gets picked! A distribution manager getting the supply chain stolen in broad daylight!
Santa Claus slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a distribution manager hits the workbench!
Peter Griffin dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This seasoned vet will learn from this.
Gordon Ramsay leaves the court at a jog. Charlie Kirk stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I got a text from Gordon Ramsay after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-126 (L)
And we're underway! Gordon Ramsay touches the basketball first! This guy everybody knows looks eager!
Santa Claus with the contested bucket from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
This potential GOAT Santa Claus commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Gordon Ramsay loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Santa Claus storms to the bench! Heated! This distribution manager doesn't handle losing well!
The players file out. Peter Griffin exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Peter Griffin was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Gordon Ramsay short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their blazing wok!
Charlie Kirk bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a conspiracy theorist after their bare hands overtime!
Peter Griffin coughs up the pill! Lack of consistency strikes again on the low block!
Charlie Kirk mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Charlie Kirk had the chances but couldn't convert. This first-ballot legend left wanting.
Charlie Kirk and William Shakespeare walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
87-131 (L)
Tip-off! Peter Griffin gets us started! Let's go!
A buzzer beater from Peter Griffin catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This first-ballot legend Charlie Kirk loses concentration and the rock with it!
William Shakespeare gives up the easy bucket! Easier than crafting the gripping act!
Santa Claus storms to the bench! This undisputed superstar is visibly upset!
The players head in. Santa Claus slips on the wet tunnel floor. Fun fact: Santa Claus blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Charlie Kirk can't score in the closing moments! This conspiracy theorist is way off tonight!
Santa Claus digs deep! Deep as a distribution manager digs into the supply chain!
Intercepted! William Shakespeare's pass snatched right out of the air! A playwright would never be that careless!
Gordon Ramsay tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the chef will bounce back!
Peter Griffin, this solid pro, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Santa Claus bites the inside of his cheek. William Shakespeare pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
73-118 (L)
William Shakespeare looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Peter Griffin with a rough off-balance shot under the basket! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Gordon Ramsay throws it away! A pass worse than a chef tossing the perfect steak!
Charlie Kirk gets blown by! Even a conspiracy theorist couldn't stop that!
Peter Griffin glares at the scoreboard! This next-level player not happy with the situation!
End of the second quarter. Charlie Kirk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Charlie Kirk listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
The rim rejects Gordon Ramsay! The rim says no! Even a chef gets rejected sometimes!
William Shakespeare calls for the sub! Even a playwright's stamina with their fountain pen has limits!
Santa Claus with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the supply chain!
William Shakespeare vents at their teammates! The playwright who vents about the gripping act!
William Shakespeare refuses to make excuses! A playwright owns the gripping act failures too!
William Shakespeare walks toward the tunnel without a word. Gordon Ramsay stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-119 (L)
This name that's buzzing Peter Griffin opens the scoring! A euro-step! Early advantage!
Gordon Ramsay bobbles and misses! Fumbling the pill like it's a Monday morning!
Santa Claus, this do-it-all player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
William Shakespeare, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
Santa Claus mouths off during crunch time! A distribution manager venting about the supply chain!
Halftime! Gordon Ramsay checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: Gordon Ramsay has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Gordon Ramsay can't buy a bucket! Another miss driving to the hoop! Frustrating!
William Shakespeare is running on fumes! The playwright tank is completely empty!
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!
Gordon Ramsay gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Santa Claus leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a distribution manager after the supply chain setback!
William Shakespeare mutters 'damn' under his breath. Gordon Ramsay says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
This next-level player Peter Griffin comes out firing! A half-court heave in the first minute!
Gordon Ramsay misses! Even a chef can't fix that shot!
Santa Claus gets the ball stripped! The supply chain would have stayed in a distribution manager's grip!
Gordon Ramsay gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the perfect steak on a rough day!
William Shakespeare, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
The locker room fills up. William Shakespeare has already eaten three oranges. Rumor has it William Shakespeare has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This undisputed superstar Santa Claus with a rare miss driving to the hoop! Even the best stumble!
Santa Claus gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from optimizing the supply chain and hooping!
This franchise guy Gordon Ramsay commits the offensive foul! Turnover at half court!
Gordon Ramsay mutters to himself walking back! This certified bucket fighting inner demons!
Gordon Ramsay fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the chef gave everything!
William Shakespeare's eyes are glassy. Peter Griffin mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-122 (L)
Gordon Ramsay, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This bonafide star is in the building!
Charlie Kirk misses at the buzzer! A conspiracy theorist who missed the deadline!
Charlie Kirk double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Gordon Ramsay can't contain the drive! Searing the perfect steak is more containable!
Santa Claus dishes the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing hot head!
Halftime whistle! Santa Claus slides down against the hallway wall. Juicy anecdote: Santa Claus was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Charlie Kirk stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a conspiracy theorist over the game!
Charlie Kirk goes to work into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
This well-respected player Peter Griffin fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Santa Claus consoles teammates! The heart of a distribution manager in that moment!
Gordon Ramsay's gaze is cold, distant. Santa Claus's gaze is hot, angry. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-129 (L)
Gordon Ramsay sets the tone early! The chef came to play tonight!
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Santa Claus rises up the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
This hall-of-fame lock Charlie Kirk commits the and-one foul! Occasional mental lapses in positioning!
Gordon Ramsay takes off and kicks the stanchion! This top-tier talent losing composure!
Back to the locker room. Santa Claus's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Santa Claus started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Santa Claus clanks another one off the rim! This hall-of-fame lock needs to find rhythm!
Charlie Kirk waves for a timeout! The conspiracy theorist needs the game break!
Peter Griffin charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
William Shakespeare glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this playwright!
Gordon Ramsay takes the loss hard! Hard as the perfect steak on a bad chef day!
Charlie Kirk's lip is trembling. Santa Claus dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
William Shakespeare, this tweener, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
William Shakespeare misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their fountain pen at the gripping act!
Peter Griffin with a wild pass that sails out! This league veteran giving it away!
This next-level player Peter Griffin bites on the fake! Beaten off the pick and roll!
This hooper's hooper Peter Griffin slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime whistle. Charlie Kirk has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know? Charlie Kirk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
William Shakespeare misfires at the buzzer! Their fountain pen calibration needed!
This hooper's hooper Peter Griffin can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
William Shakespeare, this all-around player, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Gordon Ramsay drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Santa Claus absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a distribution manager knows tough days!
William Shakespeare snaps at the bench on his way out. Gordon Ramsay says nothing, but his look says everything. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
The game begins and Santa Claus is ready! You can see a killer instinct written all over his face!
Santa Claus can't find the range! Their logistics map has better accuracy than that!
Gordon Ramsay throws it into the stands! What was that from this multi-time All-Star!
Peter Griffin gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Gordon Ramsay, this reliable star, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Halftime. Gordon Ramsay's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Staff confession: Gordon Ramsay is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
A floater from Peter Griffin hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!
This player making noise Peter Griffin can barely jump! The springs are gone off the pick and roll!
This well-respected player Peter Griffin with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
William Shakespeare, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
William Shakespeare sits alone on the bench. This once-in-a-lifetime player processing the defeat.
Charlie Kirk's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Gordon Ramsay hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Game time! Peter Griffin and this up-and-coming baller ready to put on a show at the floor!
This bonafide star Gordon Ramsay rattles it out! So close yet so far from downtown!
This bonafide star Gordon Ramsay with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Santa Claus gets screened out! Stuck behind their logistics map like it's a wall!
This absolute legend William Shakespeare shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. Peter Griffin throws his towel on the floor walking in. Physio's confession: Peter Griffin purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Charlie Kirk rattles it out! Shaking the court with their bare hands intensity!
Charlie Kirk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a conspiracy theorist's energy for the game!
William Shakespeare, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted under the basket!
Peter Griffin picks up the second technical! This respected competitor ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Charlie Kirk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a conspiracy theorist!
Gordon Ramsay hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Santa Claus keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Gordon Ramsay.
Season journal
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