but tickling bandits — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | but tickling bandits | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... But tickling bandits! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Anakin Skywalker. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Kim Jong-un. The man. Is. A politician. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A politician. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their campaign podium and apparently, the technical motion of a politician and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
This player making noise Anakin Skywalker comes out aggressive! Opens with a tear drop in transition!
Anakin Skywalker launches and misses! The pill isn't the game, and it shows!
Jeffrey Epstein with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Sean Combs caught flat-footed! Standing still, the philanthropist reflexes took a nap!
Sean Combs can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
Halftime whistle. Kim Jong-un high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little scoop: Kim Jong-un collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
An off-balance shot from Landon Oliver catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This potential breakout star Landon Oliver signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
Sean Combs dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the philanthropist's finest moment!
Sean Combs, this elite player, yells at the coaching staff! Occasional mental lapses causing friction!
Landon Oliver , this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Kim Jong-un whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Landon Oliver nods without conviction. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-107 (L)
Tip-off! Landon Oliver gets us started! Let's go!
Jeffrey Epstein fires away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Jeffrey Epstein commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Anakin Skywalker scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Sometimes predictable game!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, with a silky catch-and-shoot triple in transition! Smooth operator!
Back to the locker room. Sean Combs's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Sean Combs once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kim Jong-un slams the damn ball in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Landon Oliver can't buy a bucket! Another miss facing the rim! Frustrating!
Sean Combs spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Anakin Skywalker gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a jedi begging the game for mercy!
This living legend Kim Jong-un tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kim Jong-un looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Landon Oliver looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I got a text from Kim Jong-un after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-120 (L)
Sean Combs fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified bucket starting strong!
Jeffrey Epstein with a wild attempt! This absolute legend not finding the range tonight!
Landon Oliver with a wild pass that sails out! This raw talent giving it away!
Anakin Skywalker left in the dust! Even a jedi moves faster than that!
Landon Oliver scores at will! A free throw from way beyond the arc! This hungry young player domination!
That's a cut. Jeffrey Epstein stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Jeffrey Epstein has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
An off-balance shot from Landon Oliver hits the iron! Hot head under the spotlight!
Kim Jong-un, this pint-sized baller, exploits the mismatch from way beyond the arc! Smart play!
Landon Oliver , this rising star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jeffrey Epstein packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Anakin Skywalker sits on the floor in the hallway. Kim Jong-un sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
91-108 (L)
This living legend Kim Jong-un means business! Fast start in transition!
This player nobody saw coming Landon Oliver with a rare miss at the top of the key! Even the best stumble!
Landon Oliver coughs up the orange! Hot head strikes again from mid-range!
Anakin Skywalker gets posted up and scored on! This well-respected player overpowered!
Landon Oliver , this combo guard, muscles in for a scoop layup! Pure power!
The players head in. Landon Oliver slips on the wet tunnel floor. Locker room intel: Landon Oliver has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Jeffrey Epstein mutters to himself walking back! This basketball god fighting inner demons!
Sean Combs bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Kim Jong-un reads the defense perfectly! Scary good handles and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Kim Jong-un is cramping up! This guy with rings on every finger trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Anakin Skywalker fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the jedi gave everything!
Landon Oliver bites his lip, fists clenched. Anakin Skywalker shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-126 (L)
Landon Oliver , this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This newcomer is in the building!
Sean Combs misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Sean Combs, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the basketball!
Anakin Skywalker overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
Landon Oliver answers back with a double-clutch layup! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
Break. Kim Jong-un's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little secret: Kim Jong-un listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Sean Combs slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
Kim Jong-un goes to work but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein switches defensive assignments on the fly! Freakish explosiveness!
Sean Combs takes the rest play! Even a philanthropist needs a breather!
Jeffrey Epstein gave it everything! Everything a philanthropist has, left on the court!
Jeffrey Epstein takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Landon Oliver follows the same path. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
The den welcomes Anakin Skywalker! The jedi with the game has arrived!
Sean Combs misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Jeffrey Epstein attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Landon Oliver gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Anakin Skywalker, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Landon Oliver walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Landon Oliver listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Sean Combs misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
Jeffrey Epstein struggles in the second quarter! The philanthropist hitting the wall with the game!
Anakin Skywalker botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Sean Combs looks to the heavens! A philanthropist praying for their bare hands to work!
Kim Jong-un refuses to make excuses! A politician owns the public policy failures too!
Kim Jong-un collapses into the first available chair. Sean Combs stays standing, eyes glazed over. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Kim Jong-un's name. Forgive me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-114 (L)
Kim Jong-un wins the opening tip! Tipping off with politician energy!
Anakin Skywalker crosses over but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
This first-ballot legend Jeffrey Epstein with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jeffrey Epstein can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jeffrey Epstein converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Break! Kim Jong-un takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Kim Jong-un threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a politician after a long shift!
Anakin Skywalker whiffs on the jumper! A jedi off their game with their bare hands!
This potential breakout star Landon Oliver attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Sean Combs tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a philanthropist's energy for the game!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes hands through the pain! A philanthropist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Anakin Skywalker stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jeffrey Epstein exhales. Again. And again. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
92-117 (L)
Sean Combs opens with a scoop layup! This headliner making an early statement!
Anakin Skywalker puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Anakin Skywalker dribbles into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Hot head!
Sean Combs gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Sean Combs scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a philanthropist!
Halftime. Landon Oliver wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Exclusive info: Landon Oliver is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Anakin Skywalker dishes angrily after the turnover! This established player spiraling!
Jeffrey Epstein fires a half-court heave under the basket but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
Sean Combs draws the double team! Attracting attention, the philanthropist is a magnet out there!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, with tired legs from mid-range! Occasional mental lapses slowing this undisputed superstar down!
Landon Oliver , this dude out of nowhere, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Landon Oliver hurls his water bottle at the wall. Jeffrey Epstein flinches but doesn't react. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-106 (L)
This basketball god Kim Jong-un opens the scoring! A free throw! Early advantage!
Landon Oliver , this who-is-this-guy player, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Kim Jong-un with the careless pass! Shaping the public policy with more care, please!
Sean Combs overcommits! Going all-in like a philanthropist on the game, but wrong!
Jeffrey Epstein, this generational talent, reads the play perfectly and delivers a euro-step!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Sean Combs walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Sean Combs has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Kim Jong-un shakes their head! A politician who can't believe that just happened!
Anakin Skywalker rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their bare hands intensity!
Landon Oliver , this versatile guy, sets a brick-wall screen! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
Kim Jong-un leans on their knees! Gassed, but the politician keeps going!
Despite the loss, Jeffrey Epstein held their own with the game! The philanthropist fought!
Sean Combs kicks his towel across the floor. Jeffrey Epstein has already left for the locker room, alone. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-131 (L)
This surprise package Landon Oliver catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Sean Combs shanks it from the corner! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Landon Oliver , this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Anakin Skywalker bites on the pump fake! This guy with a proven track record sent flying at the top of the key!
Anakin Skywalker drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a jedi's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Sean Combs looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Sean Combs tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Anakin Skywalker misses the open look! This up-and-coming baller can't believe it! Injury-prone body!
Landon Oliver is running on pure willpower! This dude out of nowhere refusing to quit!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Landon Oliver , this guy nobody was talking about, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Kim Jong-un pulls his cap down over his eyes. Anakin Skywalker doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
93-125 (L)
Sean Combs steps onto the temple of basketball! From competing the game to this, game time!
This hungry young player Landon Oliver throws up a prayer on the low block! Not answered!
Landon Oliver spins into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Landon Oliver gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Sean Combs rises up and scores! A devastating dunk! This versatile guy is a problem!
Halftime! Kim Jong-un checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Kim Jong-un asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Jeffrey Epstein stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
Sean Combs clanks another one off the rim! This guy everybody knows needs to find rhythm!
Kim Jong-un sets the screen with precision worthy of their campaign podium! Tactical genius!
Landon Oliver dishes sluggishly! Occasional mental lapses catching up with this player nobody saw coming!
Anakin Skywalker walks off in defeat! Even a jedi's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kim Jong-un walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Landon Oliver speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Landon Oliver . Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Anakin Skywalker gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a jedi on day one!
Jeffrey Epstein goes 0 for the quarter! A philanthropist having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Kim Jong-un throws it into the stands! What was that from this basketball god!
This potential breakout star Landon Oliver commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Anakin Skywalker mouths off in the dying seconds! A jedi venting about the game!
Halftime whistle! Sean Combs grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little scoop: Sean Combs logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jeffrey Epstein bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Kim Jong-un needs oxygen! More winded than a politician after overtime!
Anakin Skywalker pulls up the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this respected competitor!
Anakin Skywalker, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Sean Combs walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to philanthropist life tomorrow!
Sean Combs sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jeffrey Epstein winces. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Sean Combs's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-132 (L)
Landon Oliver lets fly into position! This surprise package not wasting any time!
Kim Jong-un, this household name, with the shot-clock heave! No good at the buzzer!
This household name Jeffrey Epstein dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kim Jong-un kicks the air! The frustration of a politician who knows they can do better!
Back to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Intel: Jeffrey Epstein asked Boston Ring-Chasers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Anakin Skywalker, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer beater!
This max-contract guy Sean Combs is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
Anakin Skywalker tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Hot head in the decision-making!
Anakin Skywalker rises up the towel! This well-respected player showing sometimes predictable game!
Jeffrey Epstein wipes a tear! A philanthropist who poured everything into the effort!
Kim Jong-un bites his lip, fists clenched. Jeffrey Epstein shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I learned that Kim Jong-un's father was a volunteer firefighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-125 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein fades away the basketball right into the defender's hands! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This max-contract guy Sean Combs commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
This hidden prospect Landon Oliver bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
This franchise cornerstone Jeffrey Epstein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime! Jeffrey Epstein has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Word is Jeffrey Epstein sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Anakin Skywalker, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Sometimes predictable game!
Kim Jong-un is gassed! This certified GOAT candidate bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Kim Jong-un trips up in the low post! A politician never trips at work... Right?
Landon Oliver , this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Anakin Skywalker takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad jedi day!
Landon Oliver unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Kim Jong-un runs a hand down his face. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-135 (L)
This household name Kim Jong-un gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kim Jong-un rushes a layup in transition! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Jeffrey Epstein with the backcourt violation! This all-time great under too much pressure!
This total unknown Landon Oliver gives up the offensive rebound! Hot head when boxing out!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! This global icon is visibly upset!
Break! Anakin Skywalker grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Intel: Anakin Skywalker once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Brick! Landon Oliver misfires on the low block! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Jeffrey Epstein, this living legend, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
Kim Jong-un throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from the right corner!
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Anakin Skywalker tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Landon Oliver rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jeffrey Epstein picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
but tickling bandits finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... But tickling bandits!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Anakin Skywalker. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Kim Jong-un. The man. Is. A politician. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A politician. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their campaign podium and apparently, the technical motion of a politician and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
but tickling bandits finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
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