Rytis — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Rytis | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Rytis! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jesus Christ. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jesus Christ. The man. Is. A messiah. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A messiah. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a messiah and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
The game begins and Socrates is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
This potential breakout star Vaidas Pauliukėnas with a rare miss at the top of the key! Even the best stumble!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily from downtown! Limited stamina!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Socrates walks head down toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Socrates was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A thunderous slam by Jesus Christ off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this absolute legend!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
Dwayne Johnson with a wild pass that sails out! This absolute legend giving it away!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
Mary sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a seamstress after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Dwayne Johnson has his head in his hands. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
103-106 (L)
And we're underway! Mary touches the damn ball first! This potential GOAT looks eager!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas converts a tough devastating dunk from the left corner! Skill level: elite!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Dwayne Johnson, this tweener, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
Socrates with the momentum-shifting play! The willpower of a philosopher right there!
Break! Dwayne Johnson rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. They say Dwayne Johnson eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jesus Christ fouls at the worst time! A messiah tripping over the game!
This basketball god Socrates gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Remember this moment! Mary is making history with a sky hook!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas misfires on the potential dagger! This rising star lets them off the hook!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas walks off in silence. This diamond in the rough gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Socrates accepts it but his body is stiff. Did you know that Socrates practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-128 (L)
Mary, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
A deep three from Vaidas Pauliukėnas goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
Socrates dribbles it off their foot! Their thought experiment would never betray a philosopher like that!
Dwayne Johnson reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Mary vents at their teammates! The seamstress who vents about the game!
Break! Dwayne Johnson heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know Dwayne Johnson once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Socrates rattles it out! Shaking the den with their thought experiment intensity!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! This hall-of-fame lock can't get the elevation at half court!
Mary rises up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Dwayne Johnson, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Dwayne Johnson had the chances but couldn't convert. This potential GOAT left wanting.
Jesus Christ sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Dwayne Johnson puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
91-111 (L)
Mary, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This undisputed superstar is in the building!
Dwayne Johnson rushes a euro-step from downtown! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Mary loses the Wilson! A seamstress would never be this careless!
Dwayne Johnson gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Dwayne Johnson, this versatile guy, takes over in transition. A thunderous slam! That's elite!
Rest time. Vaidas Pauliukėnas isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Juicy intel: Vaidas Pauliukėnas turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Socrates slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philosopher hits the workbench!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas forces a devastating dunk facing the rim! This total unknown trying too hard!
Socrates, this first-ballot legend, manages the clock beautifully in the first half!
Socrates calls for the sub! Even a philosopher's stamina with their thought experiment has limits!
This global icon Jesus Christ congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
Mary scratches the back of her neck nervously. Vaidas Pauliukėnas has the look of someone who has seen things. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
91-123 (L)
Vaidas Pauliukėnas opens with an off-balance shot! This newcomer making an early statement!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas with a rough hook shot from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Jesus Christ with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost messiah!
Dwayne Johnson gets screened out of the play! This absolute legend lost in traffic!
Mary fades away from the left corner with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
The players head to the locker room. Dwayne Johnson is sweating like a racehorse. Intel: Dwayne Johnson once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This generational talent Jesus Christ slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Mary can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The basketball through the hoop, nope!
Dwayne Johnson, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
This franchise cornerstone Dwayne Johnson has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Mary walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Dwayne Johnson drags one foot after the other. I learned that Mary's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-108 (L)
Dwayne Johnson fires up the crowd to open the game! This absolute legend starting strong!
Jesus Christ clanks another one off the rim! This certified GOAT candidate needs to find rhythm!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas takes off the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hungry young player!
Mary can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jesus Christ scores again! When you're a messiah by trade, the pill is child's play!
That's a cut. Socrates stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little secret: Socrates listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
Jesus Christ gets a clean look but defense that's basically a suggestion costs the bucket!
Socrates, this swiss-army-knife type, sets a brick-wall screen! Silky smooth technique on full display!
Dwayne Johnson, this undisputed superstar, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This who-is-this-guy player will learn from this.
Jesus Christ hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Mary keeps her in, chewing on the frustration. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
87-118 (L)
Socrates, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
A free throw from Vaidas Pauliukėnas sails wide! This raw talent needs to regroup!
Dwayne Johnson coughs up the basketball! Occasional mental lapses strikes again on the low block!
Socrates watches helplessly! A philosopher watching the nature of truth fall off the shelf!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Break. Jesus Christ asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Vaidas Pauliukėnas shoots but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
This guy with rings on every finger Mary can barely jump! The springs are gone in transition!
Stolen from Socrates! A philosopher who let it slip through their fingers!
Mary waves off the play! The authority of a seamstress in that gesture!
Mary hangs their head! A seamstress who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Dwayne Johnson watches it and immediately regrets it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-128 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Socrates misses the open look! A philosopher never misses the nature of truth... But misses the Spalding!
Dwayne Johnson tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
This newcomer Vaidas Pauliukėnas fouls reaching in! Ego the size of Texas on defense!
Socrates tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the philosopher will bounce back!
End of the second quarter. Vaidas Pauliukėnas is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Vaidas Pauliukėnas has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Socrates attacks but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Socrates leans on their knees! Gassed, but the philosopher keeps going!
Socrates with the backcourt violation! A philosopher going backwards with the nature of truth!
Socrates storms to the bench! This potential GOAT is visibly upset!
Socrates shakes hands through the pain! A philosopher who respects their thought experiment and the game!
Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Mary has aged ten years in forty minutes. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this hidden prospect, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Mary, this once-in-a-lifetime player, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
Socrates throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
This unknown gem Vaidas Pauliukėnas bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
The players head to the locker room. Vaidas Pauliukėnas is sweating like a racehorse. Intel: Vaidas Pauliukėnas once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This absolute legend Socrates puts up a free throw but it won't fall! Off night!
Dwayne Johnson crosses over but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Dwayne Johnson passes to nobody! This all-time great with a head-scratching decision!
This absolute legend Dwayne Johnson can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Dwayne Johnson accepts it but his body is stiff. Behind the scenes, I learned Dwayne Johnson was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-132 (L)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas misses the open look! This rising star can't believe it! Lack of consistency!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas falls asleep on the weak side! Limited stamina exposed!
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesus Christ picks up the pace. Did you know? Jesus Christ launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Brick! Socrates misfires back to the basket! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Dwayne Johnson, this potential GOAT, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Socrates glares at the scoreboard! This absolute legend not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Jesus Christ bites the inside of his cheek. Vaidas Pauliukėnas pinches the bridge of his nose. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-129 (L)
Tip-off! Vaidas Pauliukėnas gets us started! Let's go!
This hidden prospect Vaidas Pauliukėnas throws up a prayer under the basket! Not answered!
Socrates, this tweener, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Mary looks to the heavens! A seamstress praying for their bare hands to work!
Halftime whistle! Dwayne Johnson slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Dwayne Johnson has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Jesus Christ gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the messiah touch can't save that one!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
Mary coughs it up! A seamstress's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
This dark horse Vaidas Pauliukėnas tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Socrates is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Mary waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-125 (L)
This undisputed superstar Socrates gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Mary misses from the corner! From mid-range is no place for their bare hands!
Mary commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This franchise cornerstone Mary picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Dwayne Johnson slams the damn ball in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Vaidas Pauliukėnas wipes his forehead with his jersey. Juicy anecdote: Vaidas Pauliukėnas was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Dwayne Johnson fires a floater on the low block but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Dwayne Johnson, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This dude out of nowhere Vaidas Pauliukėnas with turnover number points! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Mary pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The seamstress in them is showing!
Despite the loss, Socrates held their own with the nature of truth! The philosopher fought!
Jesus Christ is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Dwayne Johnson waits at the tunnel entrance. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-128 (L)
Dwayne Johnson launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!
Jesus Christ shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a messiah would cringe!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Dwayne Johnson gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ dunks the towel! This hall-of-fame lock showing hot head!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This all-time great bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
Socrates turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this philosopher!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!
Mary walks off in defeat! Even a seamstress's skills couldn't save tonight!
Socrates bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-117 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first fadeaway jumper! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
Mary shanks it from the restricted area! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas with the errant pass! This dude out of nowhere needs to settle down!
Socrates gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
Dwayne Johnson picks up the second technical! This guy with rings on every finger ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
The locker room. Jesus Christ sprawls out full-length on the bench. I've been told Jesus Christ always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Dwayne Johnson, this certified GOAT candidate, pulls the trigger from way beyond the arc but no luck!
Jesus Christ asks for the ball to slow the pace! This franchise cornerstone needs air!
Jesus Christ trips up in the elbow! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
Vaidas Pauliukėnas, this dude out of nowhere, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
Vaidas Pauliukėnas fires away past the media. This hidden prospect not in the mood to talk.
Vaidas Pauliukėnas closes his eyes walking out. Socrates keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-133 (L)
Socrates checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Socrates with a wild attempt! This first-ballot legend not finding the range tonight!
Mary, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted under the basket!
This first-ballot legend Dwayne Johnson can't recover! Scored on off the pick and roll! Sometimes predictable game!
Dwayne Johnson can't mask the disappointment! This household name wearing it on the sleeve!
Break time. Mary bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Mary tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This rising star Vaidas Pauliukėnas misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
Dwayne Johnson, this potential GOAT, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Mary gets picked! A seamstress getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Socrates gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Socrates consoles teammates! The heart of a philosopher in that moment!
Socrates sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Mary has her head in her hands. Behind the scenes, I learned Mary was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Rytis finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Rytis!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jesus Christ. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jesus Christ. The man. Is. A messiah. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A messiah. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a messiah and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Rytis finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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