My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Elon Musk is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. CaseOh is on this team. CaseOh, who is a digital transformation consultant and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-113 (L)
This guy with a proven track record Hawkeye gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Matthew Perry, this versatile guy, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Hawkeye with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost archer!
Matthew Perry loses their assignment! Like losing their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
This global icon Elon Musk with a picture-perfect fadeaway jumper! The crowd goes wild!
First half is done. Dexter Morgan is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Locker room intel: Dexter Morgan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
CaseOh throws their hands up! Like a digital transformation consultant when their bare hands breaks!
Matthew Perry sends it wide! Their loaded checkbook wouldn't forgive that either!
Hawkeye traps with the double! Trapping them, the archer knows how to corner prey!
Dexter Morgan tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a medical examiner's energy for the cause of death!
Hawkeye looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an archer!
Matthew Perry has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Elon Musk has aged ten years in forty minutes. I got a text from Matthew Perry after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-111 (L)
Opening possession for Dexter Morgan! First touch, like first touch of their autopsy scalpel!
Elon Musk adds to the total! An engineer who always exceeds expectations!
Matthew Perry can't contain the drive! Greenlighting the risky picture is more containable!
Hawkeye rattles in and out! The game never teases an archer like that!
This potential breakout star Dexter Morgan rallies the troops! The team feeds off that dawg mentality!
Halftime. Elon Musk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little secret: Elon Musk watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
CaseOh misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Dexter Morgan slams the basketball in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
The announcers share Dexter Morgan's medical examiner story,determining the cause of death since age 16!
Matthew Perry misses the game-tying shot! Even a film producer couldn't save that one!
CaseOh absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a digital transformation consultant knows tough days!
Matthew Perry stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Dexter Morgan exhales. Again. And again. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-104 (L)
Matthew Perry, this all-around player, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
Elon Musk misses on the final possession! An engineer dropping the impossible structure at the worst time!
Dexter Morgan attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
CaseOh overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
Hawkeye finishes the fast break! Sprinting like an archer who's running late!
Break! Dexter Morgan rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Dexter Morgan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
CaseOh gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Elon Musk throws up a clunker! Their slide rule would weep at that trajectory!
Elon Musk, this swiss-army-knife type, sets a brick-wall screen! Night-in night-out consistency on full display!
Elon Musk bends over during the dead ball! This certified GOAT candidate gathering what's left!
Matthew Perry sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a film producer after their loaded checkbook broke!
Hawkeye scratches the back of his neck nervously. Matthew Perry has the look of someone who has seen things. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
107-108 (L)
Hawkeye gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an archer on day one!
Hawkeye answers back with an alley-oop! Iron discipline under pressure!
CaseOh watches helplessly! A digital transformation consultant watching the game fall off the shelf!
Elon Musk rises up but the shot rims out! Defense that's basically a suggestion rears its ugly head!
Elon Musk dishes and scores! The comeback is on! This hall-of-fame lock believing!
Halftime. Hawkeye is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Hawkeye purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Elon Musk bricks it when it matters! Their slide rule accuracy went home early!
Dexter Morgan glares at the scoreboard! This dude out of nowhere not happy with the situation!
A standing ovation for Dexter Morgan! The medical examiner who conquered the venue with their autopsy scalpel!
CaseOh throws it away in the closing moments! A digital transformation consultant wasting their bare hands at the worst time!
Matthew Perry, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
CaseOh walks head down toward the tunnel. Dexter Morgan drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-101 (W)
CaseOh huddles with the team! Huddling up, the digital transformation consultant strategizes!
Matthew Perry covers acres of the floor! The endurance of a film producer on a double shift!
A scoop layup from Hawkeye goes in and out! Heartbreaking under the basket!
Matthew Perry hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a film producer lifting their loaded checkbook!
This absolute legend Matthew Perry calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime! Dexter Morgan walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Dexter Morgan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Matthew Perry forces overtime with a devastating dunk! Extra time, like extra the risky picture at work!
Elon Musk steals the ball! Quick hands from building the impossible structure all day!
Matthew Perry signs a kid's the risky picture! The film producer meets the next generation!
This diamond in the rough Dexter Morgan demands the ball and delivers! After a timeout heroics!
Matthew Perry, this guy with rings on every finger, points to the crowd! A raised fist! This was for the fans!
Dexter Morgan and Hawkeye act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
105-116 (L)
Elon Musk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Hawkeye launches and misses! The orange isn't the game, and it shows!
Hawkeye turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this archer!
Matthew Perry gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Elon Musk lays it in softly! Touch softer than an engineer's hands on the job!
End of the second quarter. CaseOh is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: CaseOh was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This franchise cornerstone Elon Musk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Hawkeye gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the archer touch can't save that one!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Matthew Perry switches defensive assignments on the fly! Unreal swagger!
This household name Matthew Perry can't close out! The legs are shot in the paint!
Elon Musk takes the loss hard! Hard as the impossible structure on a bad engineer day!
Matthew Perry watches the crowd file out in silence. Hawkeye prefers not to look. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
97-118 (L)
Matthew Perry steps onto the court! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Matthew Perry forces a bad two-handed slam! This household name needs to trust teammates!
Dexter Morgan, this versatile guy, gets stripped back to the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Matthew Perry left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Elon Musk, this swiss-army-knife type, overpowers for a free throw! Size matters!
The locker room fills up. CaseOh has already eaten three oranges. Intel: CaseOh refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This basketball god Matthew Perry shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Elon Musk fires and misses in transition. Should have stuck with the impossible structure!
Matthew Perry reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this film producer!
Matthew Perry asks for the ball to slow the pace! This undisputed superstar needs air!
Hawkeye penetrates past the media. This legit talent not in the mood to talk.
Dexter Morgan clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hawkeye fidgets with his wristband nervously. I got a text from Dexter Morgan after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
74-119 (L)
Dexter Morgan announces themselves! The medical examiner has arrived and the building knows it!
That one wasn't even close, Elon Musk! Stick to building the impossible structure!
CaseOh, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Matthew Perry, this swiss-army-knife type, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
Elon Musk glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this engineer!
First half is done. Dexter Morgan is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know? Dexter Morgan tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
CaseOh pulls up but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Dexter Morgan is spent! Used up like the cause of death after a medical examiner's long day!
Matthew Perry throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Dexter Morgan can't mask the disappointment! This hidden prospect wearing it on the sleeve!
Dexter Morgan refuses to make excuses! A medical examiner owns the cause of death failures too!
CaseOh sits on the floor in the hallway. Matthew Perry sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-122 (L)
Elon Musk pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Dexter Morgan can't convert the open shot! Determining the cause of death is way easier!
Elon Musk loses the ball! An engineer would never be this careless!
CaseOh caught flat-footed! Standing still, the digital transformation consultant reflexes took a nap!
Hawkeye strings together a buzzer-beater back to the basket. That dawg mentality on full display!
The players file out. Matthew Perry exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Matthew Perry started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Elon Musk, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Matthew Perry can't buy a bucket! Maybe the risky picture would be easier to aim!
Elon Musk runs the offense! Running it like an engineer runs the show!
Hawkeye plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
CaseOh fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the digital transformation consultant gave everything!
Dexter Morgan has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Hawkeye has aged ten years in forty minutes. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
95-109 (L)
This household name Matthew Perry comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater in the paint!
Elon Musk misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Elon Musk throws it away! A pass worse than an engineer tossing the impossible structure!
Matthew Perry gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Dexter Morgan with a devastating dunk to seal the deal! A medical examiner who always closes!
The locker room. Dexter Morgan sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know Dexter Morgan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Matthew Perry, this franchise cornerstone, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
Elon Musk bricks another one! Building something awful with their slide rule tonight!
This dude putting the league on notice Hawkeye sets the back screen! Next-level basketball IQ off-ball contribution!
Dexter Morgan stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a medical examiner over the cause of death!
Matthew Perry tips the cap to the winners! The film producer's grace with the risky picture!
Elon Musk walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Hawkeye drags one foot after the other. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-122 (L)
CaseOh bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Elon Musk skips it off the rim! The impossible structure has better hop than that!
Matthew Perry, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
CaseOh falls asleep on the weak side! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Matthew Perry is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
Cut! Halftime. CaseOh's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it CaseOh talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Elon Musk, this generational talent, pulls the trigger from mid-range but no luck!
CaseOh is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Intercepted! Matthew Perry's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Matthew Perry walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
Dexter Morgan walks off in defeat! Even a medical examiner's skills couldn't save tonight!
CaseOh snaps at the bench on his way out. Matthew Perry says nothing, but his look says everything. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-133 (L)
CaseOh, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
Elon Musk denied by the basket! Even an engineer can't pry it open!
Hawkeye gets picked! An archer getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
CaseOh gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Hawkeye drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an archer's spirit has limits!
First half is done. Matthew Perry is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Matthew Perry has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Hawkeye, this respected competitor, fumbles the finish back to the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Matthew Perry calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
This who-is-this-guy player Dexter Morgan commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Hawkeye storms to the bench! Heated! This archer doesn't handle losing well!
CaseOh packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Dexter Morgan snaps at the bench on his way out. Elon Musk says nothing, but his look says everything. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-127 (L)
Elon Musk, this franchise cornerstone, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Elon Musk misfires again! Having the impossible structure-shaped night!
Matthew Perry passes to nobody! This undisputed superstar with a head-scratching decision!
Dexter Morgan, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily at half court! Ego the size of Texas!
CaseOh pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The digital transformation consultant in them is showing!
Well-deserved break. Hawkeye looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little secret: Hawkeye has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Dexter Morgan, this solid build, gets stuffed trying a two-handed slam! Denied!
CaseOh is running on fumes! The digital transformation consultant tank is completely empty!
Matthew Perry commits the live-ball turnover! Their loaded checkbook would be ashamed!
Matthew Perry shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Elon Musk hangs their head! An engineer who gave everything they had!
Elon Musk takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Matthew Perry follows the same path. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Elon Musk opens the scoring! A bucket! Early advantage!
Matthew Perry with a wild attempt! This all-time great not finding the range tonight!
Hawkeye with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Matthew Perry bites on the pump fake! This guy with rings on every finger sent flying at the buzzer!
Elon Musk drives the towel! This living legend showing tendency to force bad shots!
That's a cut. Elon Musk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Elon Musk plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Hawkeye just barely misses! Close as an archer getting the game almost right!
Elon Musk, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
Matthew Perry coughs it up! A film producer's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Hawkeye mouths off on the decisive possession! An archer venting about the game!
Dexter Morgan reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Dexter Morgan collapses into the first available chair. Hawkeye stays standing, eyes glazed over. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Dexter Morgan launches into position! This surprise package not wasting any time!
Elon Musk misses from the corner! From downtown is no place for their slide rule!
Hawkeye with the errant pass! This name that's buzzing needs to settle down!
Matthew Perry lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this franchise cornerstone fooled!
Elon Musk, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
Break! CaseOh grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Locker room intel: CaseOh has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Dexter Morgan forces up a tear drop over the defense! Injury-prone body! Bad decision!
CaseOh cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the orange double duty!
Matthew Perry turns it over in the dying seconds! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
CaseOh tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the digital transformation consultant will bounce back!
CaseOh vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Elon Musk mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hawkeye says 'yeah' in the same tone. Evening confession: I'm wearing Elon Musk's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elon Musk.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Elon Musk is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. CaseOh is on this team. CaseOh, who is a digital transformation consultant and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elon Musk.
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