My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Thomas Jefferson! Picture this: standing at 189 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man is a philanthropist. Yes, you heard that right. A philanthropist. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jeffrey Epstein had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
The game begins and Donald Trump is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
Thomas Jefferson attacks the Spalding into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Thomas Jefferson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the status quo!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily back to the basket! Injury-prone body!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother buries their face! Hidden from view, the aristocrat can't watch!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Thomas Jefferson walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Thomas Jefferson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jeffrey Epstein, this certified GOAT candidate, with the shot-clock heave! No good along the baseline!
Sean Combs is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure philanthropist stubbornness!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother with the careless pass! Upholding the noble bloodline with more care, please!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the floor in the hallway. Thomas Jefferson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-111 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Jeffrey Epstein shanks it from the free-throw line! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Turnover by Sean Combs! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Thomas Jefferson gives up the back door! Lack of consistency when overplaying!
Thomas Jefferson nails a sky hook from deep! Range like their prototype sketch reaching across the workshop!
That's a wrap for now. Thomas Jefferson dives into the tunnel. Juicy intel: Thomas Jefferson turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This global icon Thomas Jefferson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Donald Trump misses at the buzzer! A film producer who missed the deadline!
This living legend Jeffrey Epstein adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Sean Combs digs deep! Deep as a philanthropist digs into the game!
Jeffrey Epstein fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the philanthropist gave everything!
Donald Trump mutters 'damn' under his breath. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother says 'yeah' in the same tone. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
106-97 (W)
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother gets the starting nod! An aristocrat starting with their family crest confidence!
Sean Combs scores the go-ahead! A philanthropist who always finishes the job on time!
Thomas Jefferson locks down the top of the key! Fortified with their prototype sketch!
Thomas Jefferson finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic inventor awareness!
Donald Trump uses a half-court set brilliantly! Strategy from greenlighting the risky picture!
Break. Donald Trump's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Word is Donald Trump sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Thomas Jefferson, this all-time great, knifes through for a devastating dunk driving to the hoop! Wow!
The crowd is on its feet! An electric crowd as Thomas Jefferson takes the court!
Thomas Jefferson boxes out for the teammate! Making room like an inventor with the status quo!
The narrative shifts! Sean Combs takes control with a killer instinct!
Sean Combs hangs up the headband! Calling it a night, the philanthropist is done!
Jeffrey Epstein dumps his Gatorade on Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother who screams because it was cold. Donald Trump piles on. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
92-106 (L)
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an aristocrat who means business!
Donald Trump misfires from the right corner! Even this living legend has off nights!
Thomas Jefferson loses the Spalding! An inventor would never be this careless!
Sean Combs turns the head and loses the man! This headliner napping defensively!
This reliable star Sean Combs does it again! A fadeaway jumper with effortless precision!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Donald Trump talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jeffrey Epstein stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
This household name Donald Trump shanks a scoop layup under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Thomas Jefferson traps with the double! Trapping them, the inventor knows how to corner prey!
Donald Trump leans on their knees! Gassed, but the film producer keeps going!
This household name Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Thomas Jefferson turns back to look at the court one last time. Jeffrey Epstein doesn't turn around. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
95-111 (L)
Sean Combs wins the opening tip! Tipping off with philanthropist energy!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother dunks but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Thomas Jefferson with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost inventor!
Donald Trump can't stay in front! Greenlighting the risky picture doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jeffrey Epstein shoots the rock with flair and hits a pull-up jumper! Sensational!
Back in the locker room, Donald Trump sits down and stares at the ceiling. Word is Donald Trump sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Donald Trump whiffs on the jumper! A film producer off their game with their loaded checkbook!
This generational talent Thomas Jefferson adjusts the angle mid-drive! Freakish explosiveness body control!
Sean Combs misses from fatigue! This certified bucket can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Sean Combs walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to philanthropist life tomorrow!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother's gaze is cold, distant. Thomas Jefferson's gaze is hot, angry. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
92-123 (L)
Tip-off! Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother gets us started! Let's go!
Jeffrey Epstein misses the bunny! A philanthropist dropping the game from point-blank!
Sean Combs turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this philanthropist!
Thomas Jefferson gets posted up and scored on! This certified GOAT candidate overpowered!
Sean Combs with the crafty off-balance shot! Scary good handles on display!
Heading in. Jeffrey Epstein's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Sean Combs, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, this combo guard, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this potential GOAT!
Sean Combs outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a philanthropist with their bare hands!
Donald Trump cramps up! Muscles tight from their loaded checkbook and the orange double duty!
Sean Combs, this bonafide star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother mutters while walking out. Jeffrey Epstein watches from the corner of his eye, worried. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-107 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein posts up into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
Sean Combs crosses over through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump fouls reaching in! Tendency to force bad shots on defense!
Jeffrey Epstein misses the open look! A philanthropist never misses the game... But misses the Spalding!
Thomas Jefferson, this tweener, with the crucial perfect contest! Comeback building!
That's a cut. Thomas Jefferson stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Physio's confession: Thomas Jefferson purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Thomas Jefferson crosses over and slips! Turnover in the second quarter! Ego the size of Texas!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother vents at their teammates! The aristocrat who vents about the noble bloodline!
Jeffrey Epstein channels their inner philanthropist,competing the game made these hands!
This guy with rings on every finger Thomas Jefferson with the clutch-time breakdown! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Donald Trump had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy with rings on every finger left wanting.
Donald Trump hurls his water bottle at the wall. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother flinches but doesn't react. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-104 (L)
Thomas Jefferson, this all-around player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their family crest at the noble bloodline!
Donald Trump throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
A fadeaway jumper from Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother in the paint! That's a statement right there!
The players head to the locker room. Sean Combs is sweating like a racehorse. They say Sean Combs eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jeffrey Epstein shoots away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother can't hit from the elbow! That zone is cursed for this aristocrat!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother uses their size out there! The aristocrat has a built-in advantage!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs can't close out! The legs are shot from mid-range!
Thomas Jefferson vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their prototype sketch reinforced with the status quo!
Donald Trump's complexion is grey. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-116 (L)
The hardwood welcomes Donald Trump! The film producer with the risky picture has arrived!
Thomas Jefferson fades away the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy with rings on every finger!
Jeffrey Epstein with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Sean Combs loses the battle in the paint! Being a philanthropist doesn't help you here!
This household name Donald Trump capitalizes at half court! A buzzer-beater with insane court vision!
Break! Thomas Jefferson has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. They say Thomas Jefferson has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Sean Combs bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Thomas Jefferson goes small-ball! Adapting like an inventor who reads the room!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, this all-around player, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
This global icon Jeffrey Epstein congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother bites the inside of her cheek. Sean Combs pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
99-102 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the philanthropist means business!
Thomas Jefferson drives with the precision of an inventor at work. And it's a double-clutch layup!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother caught flat-footed! Standing still, the aristocrat reflexes took a nap!
Jeffrey Epstein sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
This generational talent Donald Trump draws the charge! Momentum swinging under the basket!
The locker room fills up. Sean Combs has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Sean Combs got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Thomas Jefferson takes off and bricks it! Lack of consistency in the fourth quarter!
This hall-of-fame lock Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother lets fly with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their family crest vision failing!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an aristocrat after their family crest broke!
Donald Trump and Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-112 (L)
Sean Combs gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a philanthropist on day one!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, can't get a buzzer beater to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stolen from Sean Combs! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Sean Combs loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother waves off the play! The authority of an aristocrat in that gesture!
Time to breathe. Sean Combs has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Sean Combs was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Sean Combs bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Sean Combs attacks but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
Donald Trump throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure from mid-range!
Thomas Jefferson storms to the bench! Heated! This inventor doesn't handle losing well!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother gave it everything! Everything an aristocrat has, left on the court!
Jeffrey Epstein sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
110-115 (L)
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother begins their shift on the gymnasium! An aristocrat starting the their family crest shift!
Donald Trump with the highlight-reel catch-and-shoot triple! This potential GOAT owning the moment!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an aristocrat chasing the noble bloodline!
Donald Trump can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this basketball god!
Sean Combs closes the gap! Same focus as when they're working with their bare hands!
That's a cut. Thomas Jefferson stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Thomas Jefferson has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jeffrey Epstein misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother mouths off on the inbound pass! An aristocrat venting about the noble bloodline!
From philanthropist life to dominating the court, Jeffrey Epstein's journey is remarkable!
Thomas Jefferson, this global icon, air-balls in the second half! The crowd is stunned!
Thomas Jefferson tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we revolutionizes better, like the status quo!'
Donald Trump's lip is trembling. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother dodges the cameras by pulling up her hood. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
102-117 (L)
Opening possession for Thomas Jefferson! First touch, like first touch of their prototype sketch!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, this smooth operator, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
Intercepted! Donald Trump's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother gets blown by! Even an aristocrat couldn't stop that!
Donald Trump knocks it down! Solid as a film producer with their loaded checkbook in hand!
The players disappear. Sean Combs has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Sean Combs wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Thomas Jefferson walks away muttering! Muttering about the status quo under their breath!
Jeffrey Epstein misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
Donald Trump executes a pick-and-pop attack perfectly! Precision learned as a film producer!
This certified GOAT candidate Jeffrey Epstein signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Thomas Jefferson wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!
Thomas Jefferson hurls his water bottle at the wall. Jeffrey Epstein flinches but doesn't react. I learned that Thomas Jefferson's father was an inventor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-122 (L)
Sean Combs checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump fires and misses from downtown. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted under the basket!
Sean Combs overcommits! Going all-in like a philanthropist on the game, but wrong!
Sean Combs drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philanthropist's spirit has limits!
Halftime whistle. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother has dried blood on her elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Sean Combs can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Donald Trump stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a film producer over the risky picture!
Donald Trump steps back into a dead end at the top of the key! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Sean Combs argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Thomas Jefferson hangs their head! An inventor who gave everything they had!
Thomas Jefferson mutters while walking out. Donald Trump watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-127 (L)
Thomas Jefferson announces themselves! The inventor has arrived and the building knows it!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Sean Combs at half court is way off! Tough night for this franchise guy!
Sean Combs throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philanthropist got too confident!
This undisputed superstar Jeffrey Epstein caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes their head! A philanthropist who can't believe that just happened!
Off to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Jeffrey Epstein wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Air ball from Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother! Being an aristocrat doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a film producer after their loaded checkbook overtime!
Jeffrey Epstein with the backcourt violation! This first-ballot legend under too much pressure!
This max-contract guy Sean Combs fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother tips the cap to the winners! The aristocrat's grace with the noble bloodline!
Donald Trump sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother has her head in her hands. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Thomas Jefferson.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Thomas Jefferson! Picture this: standing at 189 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man is a philanthropist. Yes, you heard that right. A philanthropist. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jeffrey Epstein had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Thomas Jefferson.
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