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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest15030
2Detroit Engine-Roar12324
3San Antonio Skyscrapers12324
4New York Over-Timers12324
5Boston Ring-Chasers12324
6Cleveland Twin-Towers9618
7Denver Horse-Track7814
8Minnesota Ice-Wall7814
9Los Angeles Nursing-Home7814
10Houston Blast-Off7814
11Miami Heart-Attack6912
12My Team4118
13Philadelphia Injury-Report4118
14Phoenix No-Defense3126
15Toronto Border-Patrol2134
16Orlando Magic-Beans1142

Pre-season

Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Captain America. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Spider-Man. The man is a chemist. A freaking chemist. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their glass beaker and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

92-133 (L)

Iron Man starts in the defensive anchor! Playing the defensive anchor the way an inventor plays with their prototype sketch!

Captain America misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!

Thor commits the live-ball turnover! The royal scepter would be ashamed!

Spider-Man, this little guy, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!

This max-contract guy Captain America stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!

Break time. Thanos bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Rumor has it Thanos tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Brick! Iron Man misfires from the right corner! Injury-prone body at the worst time!

Spider-Man drags their feet! Heavy as their glass beaker at the end of a shift!

Captain America coughs up the Wilson! Ego the size of Texas strikes again from way beyond the arc!

Thanos mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!

Iron Man vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their prototype sketch reinforced with the status quo!

Spider-Man watches the crowd file out in silence. Iron Man prefers not to look. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

130-91 (W)

This up-and-coming baller Thanos catches the Wilson early and goes to work! Opening salvo!

Thanos finishes the fast break! Sprinting like an emperor who's running late!

Thanos, this tweener, finds the trailer! A hook shot off the assist, easy money!

Thor launches and delivers an alley-oop! The royal scepter by day, buckets by night!

Spider-Man anticipates the cut and deflects the ball! This certified GOAT candidate reading minds!

The players disappear. Thanos has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know? Thanos once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Spider-Man with the reverse layup! Creative as a chemist with the new compound!

Thor, this swiss-army-knife type, caps off a dominant performance! Nerves of steel from start to finish!

Thanos, this solid build, accidentally passes to the ref! Nice assist this next-level player!

Thanos points to the sky after a half-court heave! This dude putting the league on notice in the zone!

Iron Man heads to the locker room with a smile! Good day at the office for the inventor!

Thor and Thanos act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

106-91 (W)

Thor huddles with the team! Huddling up, the king strategizes!

Captain America handles the pill like their military kit. A sky hook from the right corner! The precision of a career soldier!

Thanos, this do-it-all player, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a defensive rebound!

Iron Man, this combo guard, runs the offense with silky smooth technique! Beautiful passing!

This living legend Spider-Man recognizes the over-help and punishes it!

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Thanos picks up the pace. Anecdote: Thanos lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Spider-Man dishes from the right corner with the same confidence they bring to synthesizing the new compound.

The press box buzzes about Spider-Man! A chemist with their glass beaker making headlines!

Spider-Man rotates on defense! Rotating with their glass beaker efficiency!

This is the Iron Man game! This respected competitor taking over in the first quarter!

This player nobody saw coming Thor secures the win with a killer instinct! Another one in the bag!

Iron Man performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Thor imitates it. It's worse. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

123-94 (W)

Spider-Man, this all-time great, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!

Thanos with the crafty tear drop! Insane court vision on display!

Thanos forces the step-out-of-bounds! This seasoned vet hawking the ball!

This legit talent Thanos with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!

Captain America, this All-Star caliber talent, orchestrates the delay game! Insane court vision in action!

Break time. Thanos bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Confession: Thanos tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Thanos with the step-back fadeaway jumper! Creating space like an emperor with their imperial scepter!

Thor feeds off palpable tension! The energy of a king fueled by the realm's fate!

Thanos, this tweener, repositions on defense! Freakish explosiveness collective effort!

Win or lose, Thanos has earned respect tonight! This legit talent warrior spirit!

Thanos finishes what they started! Finishing the orange like finishing the vast empire!

Captain America does a belly slide on the court. Spider-Man does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. I got a text from Captain America after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

91-104 (L)

Spider-Man checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

Thor, this smooth operator, can't get a hook shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!

Spider-Man, this scrappy guard, gets stripped from the left corner! Tendency to rush exposed!

This guy nobody was talking about Thor commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!

Spider-Man drops a fadeaway jumper from beyond the arc! Range that would impress any chemist!

Break! Thor grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. They say Thor has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Captain America storms to the bench! Heated! This career soldier doesn't handle losing well!

Thor, this dude out of nowhere, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!

Thor adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a king with the realm's fate!

Captain America, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!

Iron Man packs up and heads out! Packing their prototype sketch, unpacking emotions!

Thor chews his nails on the bench. Iron Man stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

91-111 (L)

Captain America stretches center court! Loosening up, the career soldier is getting ready!

Thanos, this versatile guy, gets stuffed trying a pull-up jumper! Denied!

Intercepted! Thor's pass snatched right out of the air! A king would never be that careless!

Iron Man falls asleep on the weak side! Occasional mental lapses exposed!

This league veteran Iron Man is automatic along the baseline! A buzzer-beater drops again!

Break! Spider-Man grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. True story: Spider-Man had his parking spot stolen by Los Angeles Nursing-Home's mascot. Still talks about it. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Spider-Man argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to synthesizing the new compound!

Thanos launches from deep and misses! An emperor's range doesn't apply here!

Spider-Man reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this chemist!

Spider-Man can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of synthesizing the new compound!

Captain America looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a career soldier!

Iron Man isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Spider-Man tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

109-104 (W)

Spider-Man takes the court to a cathedral silence! The chemist with their glass beaker is here!

Iron Man denies the entry pass! No the status quo gets past this inventor!

Thor air-mails a buzzer-beater at half court! Way off for this surprise package!

Captain America finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their military kit!

Iron Man exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their prototype sketch acumen!

The players head to the locker room. Spider-Man is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Spider-Man watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Thanos plays hero! The emperor as hero, their imperial scepter as cape!

Thanos, this up-and-coming baller, walls up facing the rim! Impenetrable defense!

Opposing fans respect Iron Man! Even rivals admire an inventor's hustle!

Iron Man takes over in the second half! Dominating like an inventor who owns the room!

Thanos soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, an emperor savoring glory!

Captain America and Thor do celebratory push-ups. Spider-Man counts out loud. Definitely cheating. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

93-105 (L)

Spider-Man lands the first catch-and-shoot triple! First blood! The chemist strikes first!

Captain America shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A career soldier lost in the noise!

Captain America, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the Spalding!

Captain America bites on the pump fake! This jersey-selling name sent flying at the top of the key!

Iron Man hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of an inventor lifting their prototype sketch!

That's a wrap for now. Iron Man dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Iron Man lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Captain America slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a career soldier hits the workbench!

Captain America clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their military kit hitting the armed forces!

This name that's buzzing Thanos recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!

Spider-Man is cramping up! This guy with rings on every finger trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!

Iron Man fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the inventor gave everything!

Thanos sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Thor has his head in his hands. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

101-114 (L)

Thor, this all-around player, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!

Thanos, this versatile guy, can't finish in the paint! That one stings!

This dude out of nowhere Thor with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!

Iron Man lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this seasoned vet fooled!

Thor scores with next-level basketball IQ. An and-one along the baseline! Too smooth!

Halftime! Spider-Man checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Spider-Man tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

This potential GOAT Spider-Man fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!

This household name Spider-Man puts up a euro-step but it won't fall! Off night!

Captain America triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with career soldier urgency!

Thanos slows down visibly! Slower than their imperial scepter on low power!

Thor shakes hands through the pain! A king who respects the royal scepter and the game!

Iron Man avoids the cameras like the plague. Spider-Man gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

94-106 (L)

Thanos steps onto the gym! From ruling the vast empire to this, game time!

Thor, this dude out of nowhere, fumbles the finish along the baseline! Back to the drawing board!

Spider-Man, this little firecracker, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!

Captain America bites on the fake! Fooled like a career soldier by counterfeit the armed forces!

This established player Iron Man with a cold-blooded sky hook! No conscience!

Both teams head to the locker room. Thor wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know? Thor tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Thor pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The king in them is showing!

Captain America launches a layup and... Airball! Occasional mental lapses at its peak!

Iron Man draws the double team! Attracting attention, the inventor is a magnet out there!

Thanos cramps up! Muscles tight from their imperial scepter and the rock double duty!

Thanos gave it everything! Everything an emperor has, left on the court!

Thor presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Captain America walks right past without noticing. Did you know that Captain America practices inventor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

93-126 (L)

Iron Man, this up-and-coming baller, draws first blood! A catch-and-shoot triple to start!

A thunderous slam from Captain America goes in and out! Heartbreaking from way beyond the arc!

Captain America passes to nobody! This established star with a head-scratching decision!

Thor can't contain the drive! Decreing the realm's fate is more containable!

This next-level player Thanos shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

Halftime. Thor's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Thor started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Break's over, the players take their positions.

Iron Man rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their prototype sketch intensity!

This player making noise Thanos can barely jump! The springs are gone under the basket!

Iron Man gets picked! An inventor getting the status quo stolen in broad daylight!

Thanos picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Injury-prone body!

Captain America lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This franchise guy will learn from this.

Spider-Man slams his fist on the bench. Thor places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

90-112 (L)

Thanos fires up the crowd to open the game! This established player starting strong!

Thor can't find the range! The royal scepter has better accuracy than that!

Thor loses possession! The realm's fate never leaves a king's hands like that!

Captain America gets screened out! Stuck behind their military kit like it's a wall!

Iron Man floats one in from the low block! Delicate as an inventor with their prototype sketch!

The players disappear. Thanos has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know Thanos once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Spider-Man, this low-to-the-ground speedster, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!

Captain America puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their military kit can save that!

Thanos executes the delay! Patient as an emperor waiting for their imperial scepter results!

Iron Man is running on pure willpower! This player making noise refusing to quit!

Thor walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to king life tomorrow!

Thor pulls his cap down over his eyes. Iron Man doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I got a text from Thor after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

90-122 (L)

Captain America, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This franchise guy is in the building!

Thanos whiffs on the jumper! An emperor off their game with their imperial scepter!

Thanos loses the rock! An emperor would never be this careless!

Thanos watches them score! Just watching, like watching their imperial scepter gather dust!

Thor walks away muttering! Muttering about the realm's fate under their breath!

Back in the locker room, Spider-Man sits down and stares at the ceiling. Rumor has it Spider-Man has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Thanos, this legit talent, comes up empty! A half-court heave off target on the low block!

Iron Man asks for the ball to slow the pace! This solid pro needs air!

Iron Man turns it over in the money time! An inventor dropping their prototype sketch at the worst time!

Captain America looks to the heavens! A career soldier praying for their military kit to work!

Iron Man, this up-and-coming baller, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.

Thor's lip is trembling. Thanos dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

84-129 (L)

And we're underway! Thor touches the Wilson first! This dude out of nowhere looks eager!

Thor with a rough thunderous slam at half court! Limited stamina at the worst time!

Captain America forces the pass! Forcing their military kit where it doesn't fit!

Iron Man, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!

Iron Man, this tweener, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!

End of the first act. Thanos is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Confession: Thanos calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Thor forces up a thunderous slam over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!

Thor plays through exhaustion! The endurance of decreing the realm's fate daily!

Spider-Man charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!

Spider-Man gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!

Iron Man wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!

Thor refuses San Antonio Skyscrapers's handshake. Captain America offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

80-123 (L)

Captain America begins their shift on the gymnasium! A career soldier starting the their military kit shift!

Thanos shoots short! Not enough juice! Even an emperor would cringe!

This hooper's hooper Thanos forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!

Thanos caught flat-footed! Standing still, the emperor reflexes took a nap!

Spider-Man stares in disbelief! The look of a chemist who just lost everything!

Break. Iron Man's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Iron Man is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Thanos misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their imperial scepter at the vast empire!

Thanos is gassed! This legit talent bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!

This raw talent Thor commits the 5-second violation! Clock management shaky emotions under pressure!

Thor, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!

Captain America leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a career soldier after the armed forces setback!

Thanos's complexion is grey. Iron Man's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Captain America.

🏀
#12
Rank
4W-11L
Record
-198
+/-
329
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
Captain America
MVP

Season Journal

Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!

Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Captain America. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.

I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.

And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Spider-Man. The man is a chemist. A freaking chemist. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their glass beaker and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.

The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.

🏆

My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Captain America.

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