My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Bonnie Blue on your roster, the word "team" basically means her plus four guys who pass her ball. Standing at 163 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch her score. Scouts had this girl flagged at 14. By 16, she was beating pros. Today? She's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HER. "How do we stop her?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does she look tired?" Spoiler: she's never tired. And even when she looks tired, it's a trap. The woman fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on her, and every single page is absolutely useless. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Adolf Hitler is on this team. Adolf Hitler, who is a soldier and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their service rifle under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
Stephen Hawking gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
Osama bin Laden can't find the range! The theodolite has better accuracy than that!
Turnover by Stephen Hawking! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
Osama bin Laden caught flat-footed! Standing still, the civil engineer reflexes took a nap!
Osama bin Laden takes off angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Halftime. Adolf Hitler wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. They say Adolf Hitler eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Charles Manson, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! An alley-oop off target under the basket!
Adolf Hitler takes the rest play! Even a soldier needs a breather!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Charles Manson throws their hands up! Like an architect when their bare hands breaks!
Bonnie Blue sits alone on the bench. This raw talent processing the defeat.
Osama bin Laden sits on the floor in the hallway. Bonnie Blue sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-98 (W)
Stephen Hawking stretches center court! Loosening up, the university professor is getting ready!
Stephen Hawking with a floater to seal the deal! A university professor who always closes!
Charles Manson plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this franchise cornerstone!
Osama bin Laden with the lob pass at the top of the key! This absolute legend to the teammate! Boom!
Bonnie Blue runs the offense! Running it like a tv host runs the show!
Finally a breather. Stephen Hawking has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Adolf Hitler pulls up from the right corner with the same confidence they bring to defending the front line.
Listen to that roar! Adolf Hitler drives and the place explodes!
This guy nobody was talking about Bonnie Blue claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this guy nobody was talking about!
The crowd chants for Osama bin Laden! The civil engineer who became a legend at the gymnasium!
This franchise cornerstone Osama bin Laden wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Adolf Hitler and Stephen Hawking swing Osama bin Laden around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
82-113 (L)
Bonnie Blue lands the first buzzer beater! First blood! The tv host strikes first!
Charles Manson gets a clean look but tendency to force bad shots costs the bucket!
Charles Manson with the backcourt violation! An architect going backwards with the game!
Stephen Hawking loses the battle in the paint! Being a university professor doesn't help you here!
Adolf Hitler kicks the air! The frustration of a soldier who knows they can do better!
Coach calls everyone back. Bonnie Blue drags her feet toward the tunnel. Did you know? Bonnie Blue tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Charles Manson, this franchise cornerstone, with a contested floater that misses from way beyond the arc!
Stephen Hawking is running on pure willpower! This undisputed superstar refusing to quit!
Charles Manson, this little firecracker, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
Osama bin Laden shoots past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.
Adolf Hitler clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Charles Manson fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-111 (L)
Stephen Hawking attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This potential GOAT locked in!
Charles Manson rattles it out! Shaking the arena with their bare hands intensity!
Osama bin Laden forces the pass! Forcing the theodolite where it doesn't fit!
Stephen Hawking gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Charles Manson scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the architect knows geometry!
Halftime. Osama bin Laden glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Osama bin Laden threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Adolf Hitler mouths off at the jump ball! A soldier venting about the front line!
Charles Manson can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the buzzer! Frustrating!
Stephen Hawking pushes the pace in transition! A killer instinct showing in every play!
Bonnie Blue gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a tv host begging the game for mercy!
Stephen Hawking walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adolf Hitler mutters while walking out. Charles Manson watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I had a revelation: Charles Manson runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-103 (L)
This basketball god Osama bin Laden in the starting lineup! Let's see what this basketball god brings!
Stephen Hawking scores with their lecture notes, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Bonnie Blue overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
A two-handed slam attempt by Charles Manson falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Charles Manson steals and scores! This household name cutting the gap driving to the hoop!
Break. Osama bin Laden collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Adolf Hitler bricks it when it matters! Their service rifle accuracy went home early!
Stephen Hawking vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
The transformation of Charles Manson is complete! This undisputed superstar has arrived!
Stephen Hawking misses both free throws! A university professor failing the young scholars inspection, twice!
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Adolf Hitler's lip is trembling. Charles Manson dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-127 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this walking skyscraper, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
Stephen Hawking goes 0 for the quarter! A university professor having a rough shift with their lecture notes!
This guy nobody was talking about Bonnie Blue loses concentration and the leather with it!
Adolf Hitler bites on the fake! Fooled like a soldier by counterfeit the front line!
Stephen Hawking storms to the bench! This guy with rings on every finger is visibly upset!
Both teams head in. Bonnie Blue has a red mark on her cheek from an elbow. Small detail: Bonnie Blue wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Stephen Hawking shoots the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Adolf Hitler, this franchise cornerstone, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
Bonnie Blue loses possession! The game never leaves a tv host's hands like that!
Osama bin Laden dribbles away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
This potential GOAT Stephen Hawking tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Osama bin Laden's eyes are glassy. Stephen Hawking mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-122 (L)
Adolf Hitler huddles with the team! Huddling up, the soldier strategizes!
Osama bin Laden misses! Even a civil engineer can't fix that shot!
Stephen Hawking with the careless pass! Challenging the young scholars with more care, please!
Adolf Hitler gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the front line behind their service rifle!
Bonnie Blue drills it at the buzzer! That tv host precision with their bare hands pays off!
End of the first half. Osama bin Laden is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Adolf Hitler, this global icon, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Osama bin Laden drives the leather into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Adolf Hitler communicates the switch! Clear as a soldier's instructions!
Adolf Hitler is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a soldier would call it quits!
Stephen Hawking absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a university professor knows tough days!
Bonnie Blue stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Osama bin Laden exhales. Again. And again. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-107 (L)
The court welcomes Charles Manson! The architect with the game has arrived!
Bonnie Blue dunks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
This living legend Osama bin Laden caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Bonnie Blue, this hidden prospect, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Bonnie Blue finds another gear! Switching modes like a tv host grabbing their bare hands!
The players head to the locker room. Charles Manson is sweating like a racehorse. Bus driver's confession: Charles Manson raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This diamond in the rough Bonnie Blue can't deliver when it matters! Ego the size of Texas under pressure!
Stephen Hawking can't mask the disappointment! This potential GOAT wearing it on the sleeve!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, evolves before our eyes! A sequence that will go viral!
Charles Manson forces the hero ball and misses! This hall-of-fame lock with lack of consistency!
Stephen Hawking refuses to make excuses! A university professor owns the young scholars failures too!
Stephen Hawking lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Osama bin Laden holds his in. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-114 (L)
Stephen Hawking bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Charles Manson misses at late in the quarter! An architect dropping the game at the worst time!
Bonnie Blue dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the tv host's finest moment!
Charles Manson gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Charles Manson goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
The players disappear. Charles Manson has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Charles Manson watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Adolf Hitler misses the free throw! Defending the front line under pressure is easier!
Charles Manson, this elusive guard, laboring up and down! Sometimes predictable game draining the energy!
Charles Manson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Despite the loss, Stephen Hawking held their own with the young scholars! The university professor fought!
Adolf Hitler walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Stephen Hawking drags one foot after the other. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-129 (L)
Stephen Hawking, this smooth operator, sets the tone immediately! Silky smooth technique from the jump!
Adolf Hitler forces a double-clutch layup facing the rim! This basketball god trying too hard!
Charles Manson, this miniature missile, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Bonnie Blue, this pint-sized baller, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Bonnie Blue, this total unknown, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Halftime! Charles Manson has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Charles Manson plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Charles Manson launches from deep and misses! An architect's range doesn't apply here!
Adolf Hitler struggles in the second quarter! The soldier hitting the wall with the front line!
Adolf Hitler botches the handoff! Even their service rifle exchanges go smoother!
Stephen Hawking glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this university professor!
This player nobody saw coming Bonnie Blue stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this player nobody saw coming wanted.
Adolf Hitler refuses Denver Horse-Track's handshake. Stephen Hawking offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-117 (L)
Adolf Hitler sets the tone early! The soldier came to play tonight!
Adolf Hitler, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Charles Manson turns it over in the perimeter! Butterfingers from this architect!
Bonnie Blue left in the dust! Even a tv host moves faster than that!
Bonnie Blue storms to the bench! Heated! This tv host doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime. Bonnie Blue throws her towel on the floor walking in. Small detail: Bonnie Blue wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Stephen Hawking rushes an alley-oop from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Bonnie Blue waves for a timeout! The tv host needs the game break!
Charles Manson trips up in the left wing! An architect never trips at work... Right?
Charles Manson picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Osama bin Laden walks off in defeat! Even a civil engineer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Adolf Hitler slams his fist on the bench. Stephen Hawking places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-124 (L)
Charles Manson fires up the crowd to open the game! This undisputed superstar starting strong!
Osama bin Laden can't convert! The civil engineer's touch with the river gorge deserted them!
Bonnie Blue coughs it up! A tv host's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Charles Manson, this small but mighty player, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!
Osama bin Laden floats one in from under the basket! Delicate as a civil engineer with the theodolite!
Break! Bonnie Blue grabs an ice bag and slaps it on her knee. Rumor has it Bonnie Blue talks to her basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Charles Manson shakes their head! An architect who can't believe that just happened!
Adolf Hitler fires and misses from the right corner. Should have stuck with the front line!
Charles Manson uses that architect IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Adolf Hitler leans on their knees! Gassed, but the soldier keeps going!
This global icon Osama bin Laden shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Adolf Hitler punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Charles Manson slides down the wall to the floor. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-134 (L)
This absolute legend Adolf Hitler comes out aggressive! Opens with a thunderous slam driving to the hoop!
Osama bin Laden drives the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
This basketball god Osama bin Laden commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
Osama bin Laden can't stay in front! Bridging the river gorge doesn't build lateral quickness!
Bonnie Blue sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a tv host after a long shift!
Both teams head in. Stephen Hawking has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Hawking raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Stephen Hawking misfires in the paint! This franchise cornerstone searching for answers!
Bonnie Blue calls for the sub! Even a tv host's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Adolf Hitler gets the ball stripped! The front line would have stayed in a soldier's grip!
This household name Charles Manson throws an elbow in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Bonnie Blue looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a tv host!
Osama bin Laden shakes Stephen Hawking's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-131 (L)
Bonnie Blue posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this newcomer!
That one wasn't even close, Charles Manson! Stick to competing the game!
Stephen Hawking, this tweener, gets stripped facing the rim! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Bonnie Blue, this pocket rocket, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
This undisputed superstar Adolf Hitler hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Charles Manson picks up the pace. Did you know Charles Manson entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Bonnie Blue launches and misses! The leather isn't the game, and it shows!
Osama bin Laden is clearly fatigued! The allotted time of this plus the allotted time of bridging the river gorge!
This unknown gem Bonnie Blue dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Bonnie Blue slams the ball in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Osama bin Laden shakes hands through the pain! A civil engineer who respects the theodolite and the game!
Bonnie Blue isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Charles Manson tries to talk. She raises a hand to say no. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Charles Manson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with architect energy!
Stephen Hawking rattles in and out! The young scholars never teases a university professor like that!
Adolf Hitler gets picked! A soldier getting the front line stolen in broad daylight!
Bonnie Blue falls asleep on the weak side! Heavy feet exposed!
Stephen Hawking stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
Halftime. The doctor examines Stephen Hawking's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Locker room intel: Stephen Hawking has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Charles Manson misfires on the floater! Too much float, the architect touch abandoned them!
Stephen Hawking is gassed! More tired than after a full day of challenging the young scholars!
Adolf Hitler double-dribbles! Defending the front line doesn't have that rule!
Stephen Hawking gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Stephen Hawking vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their lecture notes reinforced with the young scholars!
Bonnie Blue turns back to look at the court one last time. Stephen Hawking doesn't turn around. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bonnie Blue.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Bonnie Blue on your roster, the word "team" basically means her plus four guys who pass her ball. Standing at 163 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch her score. Scouts had this girl flagged at 14. By 16, she was beating pros. Today? She's embarrassing them.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HER. "How do we stop her?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does she look tired?" Spoiler: she's never tired. And even when she looks tired, it's a trap. The woman fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on her, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Adolf Hitler is on this team. Adolf Hitler, who is a soldier and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their service rifle under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bonnie Blue.
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