Il mio quintetto ideale — basketball_team 🇮🇹
5 membri · TeamBranch
Diario di stagione
Classifica
| # | Team | V | S | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-stagione
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Gesù on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Vladimir Putin, his brother-in-law and a stuntman by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying il loro materasso da caduta and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Vladimir Putin can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for lo stunt audace to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Giornata 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-125 (S)
Vladimir Putin wins the opening tip! Tipping off with stuntman energy!
Iosif Stalin forces an and-one under the basket! This absolute legend trying too hard!
Edward Elric, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the leather!
Gesù, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
Edward Elric glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this alchimista!
Rest. Toji Fushiguro buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Quick anecdote about Toji Fushiguro: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Iosif Stalin with the ugly miss! The rivoluzionario touch is absent tonight!
Vladimir Putin calls for the sub! Even a stuntman's stamina with the il loro materasso da caduta has limits!
Vladimir Putin with the lazy pass! Sometimes predictable game leading to easy points!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Vladimir Putin slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Gesù wipes a tear! A messia who poured everything into the effort!
Edward Elric chews his nails on the bench. Vladimir Putin stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Giornata 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
75-119 (S)
The floor welcomes Gesù! The messia with the game has arrived!
Edward Elric misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Turnover by Edward Elric! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Gesù overcommits! Going all-in like a messia on the game, but wrong!
Edward Elric throws their hands up! Like an alchimista when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime. Edward Elric throws his towel on the floor walking in. Small detail: Edward Elric wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Iosif Stalin takes a tough sky hook and it doesn't go! Tendency to rush in shot selection!
Vladimir Putin grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the il loro materasso da caduta in the workshop!
Iosif Stalin dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rivoluzionario's finest moment!
Iosif Stalin mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Iosif Stalin consoles teammates! The heart of a rivoluzionario in that moment!
Gesù's complexion is grey. Edward Elric's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Giornata 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-131 (S)
Edward Elric gets the starting nod! An alchimista starting with their bare hands confidence!
Toji Fushiguro air-mails a devastating dunk from the right corner! Way off for this newcomer!
This newcomer Toji Fushiguro with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
Vladimir Putin bites on the fake! Fooled like a stuntman by counterfeit the lo stunt audace!
Toji Fushiguro storms to the bench! This diamond in the rough is visibly upset!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Iosif Stalin asks for an ice pack. Intel: Iosif Stalin refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Edward Elric clanks another one off the rim! This player nobody saw coming needs to find rhythm!
Gesù slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Iosif Stalin loses the leather! A rivoluzionario would never be this careless!
Gesù picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Hot head!
Iosif Stalin shakes hands through the pain! A rivoluzionario who respects their bare hands and the game!
Gesù stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Toji Fushiguro comes back to get him. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Giornata 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-125 (S)
This hall-of-fame lock Vladimir Putin catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This living legend Gesù misfires again! Ego the size of Texas could cost the team!
Sloppy handling by Edward Elric! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Edward Elric beaten to the spot! Slower than an alchimista on a Monday morning!
Edward Elric mouths off in the dying seconds! An alchimista venting about the game!
Halftime whistle. Gesù has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Intel: Gesù asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This dark horse Toji Fushiguro throws up a prayer in transition! Not answered!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Vladimir Putin has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Toji Fushiguro coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to rush strikes again off the pick and roll!
Iosif Stalin pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rivoluzionario in them is showing!
This absolute legend Iosif Stalin stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this absolute legend wanted.
Iosif Stalin whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Gesù nods without conviction. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Giornata 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (S)
Toji Fushiguro, this all-around player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hungry young player is in the building!
Iosif Stalin launches and misses! The orange isn't the game, and it shows!
This hall-of-fame lock Gesù forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This hungry young player Toji Fushiguro misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Edward Elric, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
The players disappear. Edward Elric has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know Edward Elric started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Vladimir Putin fires a buzzer beater back to the basket but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Iosif Stalin asks for the ball to slow the pace! This absolute legend needs air!
Iosif Stalin turns it over in the dying seconds! A rivoluzionario dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Iosif Stalin buries their face! Hidden from view, the rivoluzionario can't watch!
Iosif Stalin walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rivoluzionario life tomorrow!
Vladimir Putin pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Edward Elric takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Giornata 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
76-121 (S)
Gesù stretches center court! Loosening up, the messia is getting ready!
Vladimir Putin denied by the basket! Even a stuntman can't pry it open!
Intercepted! Edward Elric's pass snatched right out of the air! An alchimista would never be that careless!
Vladimir Putin reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
This unknown gem Toji Fushiguro hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the right corner!
Cut! Halftime. Iosif Stalin's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Juicy anecdote: Iosif Stalin was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Vladimir Putin misfires from back to the basket! The il loro materasso da caduta calibration needed!
Gesù looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a messia relieved of their bare hands!
Gesù passes to nobody! This global icon with a head-scratching decision!
Toji Fushiguro fires away and kicks the stanchion! This hidden prospect losing composure!
Edward Elric leaves the palace of hoops with dignity! The dignity of an alchimista with their bare hands!
Iosif Stalin shakes Toji Fushiguro's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I had a revelation: Toji Fushiguro runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Giornata 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-120 (S)
Vladimir Putin bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Vladimir Putin misses at the buzzer! A stuntman who missed the deadline!
Edward Elric turns it over in the high post! Butterfingers from this alchimista!
Vladimir Putin, this short king, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Iosif Stalin tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rivoluzionario will bounce back!
First half is done. Iosif Stalin is chugging Gatorade like it's water. They say Iosif Stalin has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Edward Elric rushes a free throw in transition! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Gesù jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Gesù throws it away! Hot head under pressure along the baseline!
Iosif Stalin walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Vladimir Putin fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the stuntman gave everything!
Iosif Stalin looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Toji Fushiguro looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Giornata 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-119 (S)
Toji Fushiguro takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Gesù takes off the ball right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
Edward Elric with the errant pass! This who-is-this-guy player needs to settle down!
Toji Fushiguro, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Gesù, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Toji Fushiguro to massage his thighs. Did you know Toji Fushiguro once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Toji Fushiguro with the contested half-court heave along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
Iosif Stalin, this undersized spark plug, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Toji Fushiguro, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass from mid-range!
Vladimir Putin, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
This potential breakout star Toji Fushiguro congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential breakout star.
Iosif Stalin's eyes are glassy. Toji Fushiguro mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I learned tonight that Iosif Stalin used to be a rivoluzionario. That explains the unique running style. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Giornata 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-134 (S)
Toji Fushiguro, this smooth operator, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Gesù bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Iosif Stalin, this little thunder, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!
Gesù loses the battle in the paint! Being a messia doesn't help you here!
Edward Elric glares at the scoreboard! This dude out of nowhere not happy with the situation!
Halftime. Gesù's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. They say Gesù has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Toji Fushiguro forces a bad buzzer-beater! This player nobody saw coming needs to trust teammates!
Iosif Stalin is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Edward Elric dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray an alchimista like that!
This certified GOAT candidate Vladimir Putin stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Toji Fushiguro, this diamond in the rough, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Gesù watches the crowd file out in silence. Toji Fushiguro prefers not to look. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Giornata 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-134 (S)
Vladimir Putin, this once-in-a-lifetime player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Iosif Stalin takes off but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Edward Elric charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Vladimir Putin gets screened out of the play! This living legend lost in traffic!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Vladimir Putin fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Halftime whistle. Iosif Stalin spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Iosif Stalin plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Iosif Stalin misses the open look! This absolute legend can't believe it! Injury-prone body!
Edward Elric drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Edward Elric, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Vladimir Putin, this miniature missile, sits down hard on the bench! Lack of consistency written all over his face!
Iosif Stalin absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rivoluzionario knows tough days!
Iosif Stalin hurls his water bottle at the wall. Vladimir Putin flinches but doesn't react. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Giornata 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (S)
This dude out of nowhere Toji Fushiguro gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Gesù, this basketball god, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Edward Elric gets picked! An alchimista getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Toji Fushiguro lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hidden prospect fooled!
Toji Fushiguro penetrates away from the huddle! This raw talent in a dark place mentally!
Halftime. Toji Fushiguro wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Intel: Toji Fushiguro once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Iosif Stalin, this undersized spark plug, gets the look but can't convert driving to the hoop!
Vladimir Putin, this basketball god, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This dude out of nowhere Toji Fushiguro commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
Gesù, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Vladimir Putin takes the loss hard! Hard as the lo stunt audace on a bad stuntman day!
Edward Elric sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Vladimir Putin has his head in his hands. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Giornata 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
73-118 (S)
Edward Elric drives into position! This player nobody saw coming not wasting any time!
Gesù throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Iosif Stalin forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Vladimir Putin can't recover! Scored on in transition! Limited stamina!
Iosif Stalin shakes their head! A rivoluzionario who can't believe that just happened!
Intermission. Gesù dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: Gesù whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Vladimir Putin bricks it! Not the same accuracy as eseguiring the lo stunt audace!
Vladimir Putin goes to work but can't sustain the effort! Lack of consistency emptying the tank!
This who-is-this-guy player Toji Fushiguro with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Toji Fushiguro fires away the towel! This raw talent showing heavy feet!
Iosif Stalin packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Toji Fushiguro stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Vladimir Putin exhales. Again. And again. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Vladimir Putin. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Giornata 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-119 (S)
Gesù starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a messia plays with their bare hands!
Off the mark for Iosif Stalin! Great rivoluzionario, not so great at basketball tonight!
Edward Elric with the backcourt violation! An alchimista going backwards with the game!
Iosif Stalin falls asleep on the weak side! Limited stamina exposed!
This undisputed superstar Vladimir Putin shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Both teams head to the locker room. Edward Elric wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little secret: Edward Elric watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Gesù forces up a fadeaway jumper over the defense! Shaky emotions under pressure! Bad decision!
Gesù drives sluggishly! Sometimes predictable game catching up with this generational talent!
This player nobody saw coming Toji Fushiguro gets pickpocketed back to the basket! Sloppy handling!
Vladimir Putin waves off the play! The authority of a stuntman in that gesture!
Iosif Stalin hangs their head! A rivoluzionario who gave everything they had!
Toji Fushiguro replays the score in his head on a loop. Iosif Stalin tries to think about something else. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Giornata 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (S)
Opening possession for Vladimir Putin! First touch, like first touch of the il loro materasso da caduta!
Edward Elric, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild double-clutch layup!
Toji Fushiguro fades away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Iosif Stalin, this compact dynamo, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Toji Fushiguro can't mask the disappointment! This who-is-this-guy player wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. Vladimir Putin's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little scoop: Vladimir Putin collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Toji Fushiguro, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Edward Elric asks for ice! Cooling down, even an alchimista's engine needs a rest!
Edward Elric botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
This absolute legend Gesù throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Toji Fushiguro, this all-around player, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Edward Elric takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Gesù doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I learned backstage that Gesù also does rivoluzionario on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Giornata 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (S)
Vladimir Putin locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a stuntman who means business!
Toji Fushiguro misfires from the left corner! Even this total unknown has off nights!
Vladimir Putin commits the live-ball turnover! The il loro materasso da caduta would be ashamed!
Toji Fushiguro bites on the pump fake! This player nobody saw coming sent flying at half court!
Gesù, this undisputed superstar, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
That's a wrap for now. Gesù dives into the tunnel. Confession: Gesù calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
The rim rejects Vladimir Putin! The rim says no! Even a stuntman gets rejected sometimes!
Gesù can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after this ball game!
Toji Fushiguro loses the basketball in traffic! This guy nobody was talking about can't afford that!
Iosif Stalin goes to work angrily after the turnover! This guy with rings on every finger spiraling!
Edward Elric leaves the court quietly! Quiet as an alchimista after the game setback!
Iosif Stalin pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Gesù takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Gesù.
Diario di stagione
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