My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Theodore Roosevelt. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 179 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Theodore Roosevelt. Profession? Explorer. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with worn compass, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into uncharted wild could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
91-104 (L)
Abraham Lincoln opens with a bank shot! This basketball god making an early statement!
Abraham Lincoln bricks another one! Building something awful with the seed dibber tonight!
Theodore Roosevelt lets fly the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
This hall-of-fame lock Theodore Roosevelt can't recover! Scored on the low block! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This living legend Theodore Roosevelt with a cold-blooded deep three! No conscience!
Back in the locker room, Abraham Lincoln sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Abraham Lincoln listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Abraham Lincoln looks to the heavens! A farmer praying for the seed dibber to work!
Theodore Roosevelt can't convert! The explorer's touch with the uncharted wild deserted them!
Abraham Lincoln slows the pace when the team needs it! This once-in-a-lifetime player tempo control!
Theodore Roosevelt is gassed! More tired than after a full day of breaching the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt, this potential GOAT, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Theodore Roosevelt replays the score in his head on a loop. Theodore Roosevelt tries to think about something else. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
97-107 (L)
Abraham Lincoln drives with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Abraham Lincoln puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the seed dibber can save that!
Theodore Roosevelt coughs up the leather! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again in the paint!
This franchise cornerstone Theodore Roosevelt commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Theodore Roosevelt knocks down a pull-up jumper at the top of the key! Ice in the veins!
Both teams head to the locker room. Theodore Roosevelt wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote of the day: Theodore Roosevelt forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Theodore Roosevelt glares at the scoreboard! This once-in-a-lifetime player not happy with the situation!
That one wasn't even close, Theodore Roosevelt! Stick to breaching the uncharted wild!
This living legend Abraham Lincoln calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Abraham Lincoln is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the farmer is spent!
This potential GOAT Theodore Roosevelt tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Theodore Roosevelt avoids the cameras like the plague. Abraham Lincoln gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I got a text from Theodore Roosevelt after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
104-90 (W)
Theodore Roosevelt, this hall-of-fame lock, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Abraham Lincoln scoops it up and in! The touch of a farmer with the stubborn soil!
Theodore Roosevelt blocks the layup attempt! A charge taken with the worn compass authority!
Abraham Lincoln with the alley-oop pass! Launching the Spalding with farmer precision!
Theodore Roosevelt communicates the switch! Clear as an explorer's instructions!
Cut! Halftime. Abraham Lincoln's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Abraham Lincoln started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Abraham Lincoln scores again! When you're a farmer by trade, the ball is child's play!
Theodore Roosevelt signs a kid's the uncharted wild! The explorer meets the next generation!
Theodore Roosevelt tips the rebound to a teammate! Selfless play from this explorer!
Theodore Roosevelt, this small but mighty player, embodies the spirit of competition! What a show!
Theodore Roosevelt, this little thunder, celebrates the win! A slide across the hardwood! What a game!
Theodore Roosevelt runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Abraham Lincoln follows doing the wave alone. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-104 (W)
Theodore Roosevelt huddles with the team! Huddling up, the explorer strategizes!
Theodore Roosevelt swats it away! A sky-high block with that explorer strength!
A finger roll from Abraham Lincoln catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Abraham Lincoln attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
This living legend Theodore Roosevelt adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Break. Theodore Roosevelt collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Theodore Roosevelt takes over in crunch time! Dominating like an explorer who owns the room!
Theodore Roosevelt with the chase-down defensive stop! Running like an explorer chasing the uncharted wild!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Theodore Roosevelt gets hot!
Theodore Roosevelt rises for the clutch rebound! Rising to the occasion, classic explorer!
Theodore Roosevelt posts career numbers! Numbers bigger than the uncharted wild inventory!
Theodore Roosevelt and Theodore Roosevelt run circles around Abraham Lincoln who doesn't move. Zen. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
121-96 (W)
Opening possession for Abraham Lincoln! First touch, like first touch of the seed dibber!
A step-back three from Theodore Roosevelt! This global icon is putting on a show tonight!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by pure God-given talent!
Theodore Roosevelt, this global icon, surveys and delivers! That dawg mentality in the playmaking!
This first-ballot legend Theodore Roosevelt sets the back screen! Natural-born leadership off-ball contribution!
Cut! Halftime. Abraham Lincoln's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Confession: Abraham Lincoln calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Theodore Roosevelt fires away the rock with ridiculous creativity. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The court erupts as Theodore Roosevelt enters! The explorer gets a hero's welcome!
Abraham Lincoln makes the extra pass! Extra effort, the farmer way!
Abraham Lincoln leaves it all on the floor! This undisputed superstar with natural-born leadership effort!
It's over! Theodore Roosevelt delivers the goods! This all-time great walks off a winner!
Theodore Roosevelt does a handstand. Abraham Lincoln holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln practices explorer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
111-101 (W)
Theodore Roosevelt bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Theodore Roosevelt, this short king, uses strength and skill for a devastating dunk! Complete player!
Theodore Roosevelt a left-handed block at the critical moment! Silky smooth technique right on cue!
Abraham Lincoln, this basketball god, sets the table from downtown! Assist master!
Theodore Roosevelt uses a horns set brilliantly! Strategy from breaching the uncharted wild!
End of the second quarter. Abraham Lincoln is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. The staff told me Abraham Lincoln sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Theodore Roosevelt, this little thunder, muscles in for a reverse layup! Pure power!
A Playoff atmosphere as Theodore Roosevelt warms up with some explorer moves!
This first-ballot legend Theodore Roosevelt tips it to the teammate! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
Theodore Roosevelt, this low-to-the-ground speedster, stands tall when the team needs this certified GOAT candidate most!
Theodore Roosevelt finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers an explorer would be proud of!
Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln swing Theodore Roosevelt around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
110-99 (W)
Theodore Roosevelt takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This franchise cornerstone Theodore Roosevelt with a beautiful layup at the buzzer! Poetry in motion!
Abraham Lincoln smothers the ball handler! That's a farmer who doesn't let go!
Theodore Roosevelt orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran explorer!
Theodore Roosevelt manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of the worn compass on the uncharted wild!
Halftime whistle! Theodore Roosevelt grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Theodore Roosevelt knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Abraham Lincoln just treated the damn ball the way they treat the stubborn soil. A fadeaway jumper, bang!
Chants of 'explorer! Explorer!' fill the den for Theodore Roosevelt!
Theodore Roosevelt feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with explorer generosity!
Abraham Lincoln's journey from the stubborn soil to a tear drop inspires a Finals-like atmosphere!
Abraham Lincoln wraps up an incredible performance! Wrapped up tight, the farmer delivered!
Theodore Roosevelt makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Theodore Roosevelt makes a bigger heart. Theodore Roosevelt makes a massive heart. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Theodore Roosevelt. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
105-119 (L)
Theodore Roosevelt steps onto the court! From breaching the uncharted wild to this, game time!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!
Abraham Lincoln loses the basketball! A farmer would never be this careless!
Theodore Roosevelt fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an explorer chasing the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt sinks it from mid-range. An explorer never misses the uncharted wild, and never misses the hoop!
Cut! Halftime. Theodore Roosevelt's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Theodore Roosevelt listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Abraham Lincoln storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
A double-clutch layup from Abraham Lincoln goes in and out! Heartbreaking from downtown!
Theodore Roosevelt creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, explorer-level thinking!
Abraham Lincoln wipes sweat with the tall socks! Drenched, the farmer has been putting in work!
Theodore Roosevelt walks off in defeat! Even an explorer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Theodore Roosevelt's gaze is cold, distant. Abraham Lincoln's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
107-101 (W)
Theodore Roosevelt gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an explorer on day one!
Theodore Roosevelt floats one in from back to the basket! Delicate as an explorer with the worn compass!
Abraham Lincoln draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Theodore Roosevelt spins and creates! Another assist in transition! Quarterback!
Theodore Roosevelt, this pocket rocket, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Break! Abraham Lincoln heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Quick anecdote about Abraham Lincoln: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln goes to work facing the rim! A buzzer-beater drops beautifully!
Immense pressure reaches fever pitch as Abraham Lincoln takes the arena!
Abraham Lincoln sets the perfect screen! Built like a farmer who doesn't skip leg day!
This absolute legend Abraham Lincoln turns adversity into fuel! A signature move energy!
Abraham Lincoln wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: the seed dibber and the leather!
Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln swing Theodore Roosevelt around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-122 (L)
Abraham Lincoln penetrates onto the floor! The crowd roars for this absolute legend!
Abraham Lincoln misfires again! Having the stubborn soil-shaped night!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
This living legend Theodore Roosevelt picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
Theodore Roosevelt, this generational talent, knifes through for a step-back three from downtown! Wow!
That's a cut. Theodore Roosevelt stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Theodore Roosevelt mouths off at late in the quarter! An explorer venting about the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran explorer!
Theodore Roosevelt, this undersized spark plug, looks exhausted off the pick and roll! The legs are gone!
This absolute legend Abraham Lincoln shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Theodore Roosevelt refuses Denver Horse-Track's handshake. Theodore Roosevelt offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-127 (L)
Abraham Lincoln, this combo guard, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
Abraham Lincoln with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
Abraham Lincoln throws it into the stands! What was that from this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Abraham Lincoln gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the stubborn soil behind the seed dibber!
Theodore Roosevelt kicks the air! The frustration of an explorer who knows they can do better!
Halftime whistle. Theodore Roosevelt high-fives his teammates on the way out. Juicy anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Theodore Roosevelt lets fly but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
Theodore Roosevelt finds a second wind! The explorer engine roars back to life!
Abraham Lincoln gets the ball stripped! The stubborn soil would have stayed in a farmer's grip!
Theodore Roosevelt, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Theodore Roosevelt tips the cap to the winners! The explorer's grace with the uncharted wild!
Abraham Lincoln walks toward the tunnel without a word. Theodore Roosevelt stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt practices explorer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-126 (L)
Abraham Lincoln gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
Abraham Lincoln forces a pull-up jumper from the left corner! This absolute legend trying too hard!
Abraham Lincoln turns it over at after a timeout! A farmer dropping the seed dibber at the worst time!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Theodore Roosevelt tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the explorer will bounce back!
Coach calls everyone back. Theodore Roosevelt drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little secret: Theodore Roosevelt listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Abraham Lincoln, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild devastating dunk!
This basketball god Abraham Lincoln is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
Theodore Roosevelt throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure back to the basket!
Theodore Roosevelt is visibly upset! Upset as an explorer when the uncharted wild goes sideways!
Theodore Roosevelt absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an explorer knows tough days!
Theodore Roosevelt whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Abraham Lincoln nods without conviction. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Theodore Roosevelt stretches center court! Loosening up, the explorer is getting ready!
Abraham Lincoln throws up a clunker! The seed dibber would weep at that trajectory!
Theodore Roosevelt with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt bites on the fake! Fooled like an explorer by counterfeit the uncharted wild!
This undisputed superstar Theodore Roosevelt fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Break time. Theodore Roosevelt bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Theodore Roosevelt shoots the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
Abraham Lincoln looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a farmer relieved of the seed dibber!
Abraham Lincoln passes to nobody! This hall-of-fame lock with a head-scratching decision!
Abraham Lincoln can't hide the frustration! The seed dibber frustration meets the leather frustration!
Theodore Roosevelt tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we breaches better, like the uncharted wild!'
Abraham Lincoln hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Abraham Lincoln keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
96-115 (L)
This potential GOAT Abraham Lincoln opens the scoring! A layup! Early advantage!
Theodore Roosevelt misses the free throw! Breaching the uncharted wild under pressure is easier!
Theodore Roosevelt with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free at half court! Costly lapse!
Theodore Roosevelt, this short king, glides to from mid-range for a silky two-handed slam!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Theodore Roosevelt asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: Theodore Roosevelt tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Abraham Lincoln just barely misses! Close as a farmer getting the stubborn soil almost right!
Abraham Lincoln, this do-it-all player, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
Abraham Lincoln waves for a timeout! The farmer needs the stubborn soil break!
Despite the loss, Abraham Lincoln held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!
Theodore Roosevelt scratches the back of his neck nervously. Theodore Roosevelt has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-120 (L)
This living legend Theodore Roosevelt in the starting lineup! Let's see what this living legend brings!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Theodore Roosevelt puts up a buzzer beater but it won't fall! Off night!
This basketball god Abraham Lincoln commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Abraham Lincoln gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
Theodore Roosevelt shoots angrily after the turnover! This living legend spiraling!
Halftime. Theodore Roosevelt is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Theodore Roosevelt threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Theodore Roosevelt, this certified GOAT candidate, comes up empty! A reverse layup off target back to the basket!
Abraham Lincoln digs deep! Deep as a farmer digs into the stubborn soil!
Abraham Lincoln gets picked! A farmer getting the stubborn soil stolen in broad daylight!
Abraham Lincoln, this living legend, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
Theodore Roosevelt leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as an explorer after the uncharted wild setback!
Theodore Roosevelt's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Theodore Roosevelt breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Theodore Roosevelt.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Theodore Roosevelt. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 179 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Theodore Roosevelt. Profession? Explorer. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with worn compass, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into uncharted wild could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Theodore Roosevelt.
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