Team Epstein — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Team Epstein | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Team Epstein! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Biden. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Opening possession for Sean Combs! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Jeffrey Epstein shanks it from the elbow! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Jeffrey Epstein throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Barack Obama overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Off to the locker room. Barack Obama has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Barack Obama plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Joe Biden, this franchise cornerstone, with the shot-clock heave! No good from way beyond the arc!
Joe Biden cramps up! Muscles tight from their lecture notes and the Wilson double duty!
Joe Biden forces the pass! Forcing their lecture notes where it doesn't fit!
Joe Biden looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
Jeffrey Epstein leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Donald Trump shakes Joe Biden's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-105 (W)
Barack Obama stretches center court! Loosening up, the community organizer is getting ready!
Donald Trump goes to work with the precision of a film producer at work. And it's a double-clutch layup!
This household name Donald Trump comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Joe Biden with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open bucket!
Joe Biden positions perfectly in the restricted area! Placement of their lecture notes on the young scholars!
End of the first act. Barack Obama is puffing like a steam engine heading back. True story: Barack Obama had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Jeffrey Epstein with a bucket! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the gym!
Donald Trump high-fives courtside fans! Those film producer hands spreading the love!
Jeffrey Epstein barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the field house!
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this elite player right now!
Donald Trump puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a film producer wrapping up the job!
Jeffrey Epstein points both hands at the sky. Donald Trump points at Jeffrey Epstein. Joe Biden points at the exit. I learned backstage that Donald Trump also does philanthropist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
93-124 (L)
Joe Biden, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Jeffrey Epstein bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Donald Trump loses the Spalding in traffic! This absolute legend can't afford that!
This household name Donald Trump commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Jeffrey Epstein, this household name, unleashes a pull-up jumper from downtown! Bang!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jeffrey Epstein asks for an ice pack. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jeffrey Epstein dribbles the towel! This absolute legend showing sometimes predictable game!
Jeffrey Epstein misses the open look! This franchise cornerstone can't believe it! Tendency to rush!
Donald Trump uses that film producer IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Jeffrey Epstein can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Donald Trump tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we greenlights better, like the risky picture!'
Sean Combs's lip is trembling. Jeffrey Epstein dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
108-112 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein opens with an alley-oop! This once-in-a-lifetime player making an early statement!
Joe Biden pulls off a finger roll out of nowhere! Was that basketball or university professor magic? Unbelievable!
Sean Combs bites on the pump fake! This multi-time All-Star sent flying in transition!
Sean Combs misfires from the right corner! Even this franchise guy has off nights!
Donald Trump fights through fatigue! That film producer toughness is for real!
Halftime. Sean Combs's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Sean Combs is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Jeffrey Epstein fails to box out! Lost the position, back to philanthropist school!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
From philanthropist life to dominating the court, Jeffrey Epstein's journey is remarkable!
Barack Obama dribbles and slips! Turnover in crunch time! Limited stamina!
Sean Combs consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
Jeffrey Epstein lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Barack Obama holds his in. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-113 (L)
Barack Obama steps onto the court! From rallying the neighborhood to this, game time!
Jeffrey Epstein misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Barack Obama throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Donald Trump falls asleep on the weak side! Injury-prone body exposed!
Joe Biden drives the rock with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Break! Barack Obama heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Physio's confession: Barack Obama purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Barack Obama mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
A half-court heave from Jeffrey Epstein goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the top of the key!
This reliable star Sean Combs attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Sean Combs is running on fumes! The philanthropist tank is completely empty!
Despite the loss, Barack Obama held their own with the neighborhood! The community organizer fought!
Donald Trump unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Joe Biden runs a hand down his face. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-109 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
That one wasn't even close, Sean Combs! Stick to competing the game!
This global icon Jeffrey Epstein commits the 5-second violation! Clock management shaky emotions under pressure!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!
Barack Obama scores at will! A bucket facing the rim! This household name domination!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Donald Trump asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: Donald Trump tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Barack Obama storms to the bench! Heated! This community organizer doesn't handle losing well!
Sean Combs whiffs on the jumper! A philanthropist off their game with their bare hands!
Sean Combs identifies the soft spot in the zone! This max-contract guy surgical precision!
Barack Obama shoots sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this basketball god!
Joe Biden refuses to make excuses! A university professor owns the young scholars failures too!
Barack Obama hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Donald Trump keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
108-99 (W)
This guy everybody knows Sean Combs gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jeffrey Epstein pulls up and drills a hook shot! Can't teach that!
Jeffrey Epstein slides to the passing lane and steals it! Scary good handles!
This global icon Barack Obama with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Joe Biden communicates the switch! Clear as a university professor's instructions!
Halftime! Barack Obama looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Barack Obama tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Sean Combs drives past everyone for a pull-up jumper! This smooth operator on a mission!
Post-game fireworks for Donald Trump! Brighter than their loaded checkbook on a perfect day!
Jeffrey Epstein plugs the gap! Plugging holes with philanthropist efficiency!
Barack Obama takes off with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Joe Biden heads to the locker room with a smile! Good day at the office for the university professor!
Barack Obama and Donald Trump cradle the game ball like a baby. Sean Combs takes a photo. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
94-103 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein rises up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this all-time great!
Barack Obama short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bullhorn!
Barack Obama, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the ball!
This franchise cornerstone Jeffrey Epstein bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, overpowers for a two-handed slam! Size matters!
Both teams head in. Barack Obama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Barack Obama slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This global icon Joe Biden can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Donald Trump gets blocked! Rejected harder than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Joe Biden makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true university professor!
Donald Trump, this once-in-a-lifetime player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Barack Obama and Joe Biden walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Evening confession: I'm wearing Barack Obama's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-126 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Barack Obama misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Sean Combs loses the damn ball! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
Jeffrey Epstein loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Sean Combs scores the go-ahead! A philanthropist who always finishes the job on time!
The players file out. Jeffrey Epstein exchanges a tense look with the coach. Intel: Jeffrey Epstein asked Houston Blast-Off for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off on a strategic timeout! A philanthropist venting about the game!
Jeffrey Epstein can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Barack Obama baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
Joe Biden waves for a timeout! The university professor needs the young scholars break!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Jeffrey Epstein stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Sean Combs comes back to get him. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-134 (L)
Donald Trump checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Joe Biden with the off-balance reverse layup! This living legend couldn't set the feet!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump loses concentration and the rock with it!
Sean Combs gets blown by! Even a philanthropist couldn't stop that!
Jeffrey Epstein glares at the scoreboard! This generational talent not happy with the situation!
Break! Barack Obama has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Word is Barack Obama sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Sean Combs can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
This big-name player Sean Combs signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Donald Trump passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Sean Combs buries their face! Hidden from view, the philanthropist can't watch!
Sean Combs vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Sean Combs mutters while walking out. Joe Biden watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-117 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the philanthropist means business!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, gets the look in transition but the lid's on the rim!
Intercepted! Sean Combs's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Jeffrey Epstein loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Donald Trump pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The film producer in them is showing!
The players disappear. Joe Biden has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know Joe Biden once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Joe Biden can't convert! The university professor's touch with the young scholars deserted them!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump can barely jump! The springs are gone from downtown!
Sean Combs gets picked! A philanthropist getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
This certified bucket Sean Combs shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Sean Combs tips the cap to the winners! The philanthropist's grace with the game!
Donald Trump taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Joe Biden walks through the door without pushing it. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-134 (L)
Sean Combs takes the court to a standing ovation! The philanthropist with their bare hands is here!
Donald Trump takes a tough devastating dunk and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Barack Obama gets crossed over! This first-ballot legend left frozen under the basket!
This world-class player Sean Combs stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Heading in. Donald Trump's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Donald Trump tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Donald Trump can't connect! Their loaded checkbook in hand, sure. The rock through the hoop, nope!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, looks exhausted from way beyond the arc! The legs are gone!
Barack Obama pulls up into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
This basketball god Barack Obama gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Barack Obama hangs their head! A community organizer who gave everything they had!
Joe Biden replays the score in his head on a loop. Jeffrey Epstein tries to think about something else. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-115 (L)
Donald Trump penetrates into position! This franchise cornerstone not wasting any time!
Barack Obama forces a bad hook shot! This undisputed superstar needs to trust teammates!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, gets stripped from downtown! Heavy feet exposed!
Jeffrey Epstein gets posterized! A philanthropist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Joe Biden can't hide the frustration! Their lecture notes frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Both teams head in. Barack Obama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Barack Obama tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Donald Trump misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the risky picture!
Barack Obama is gassed! This once-in-a-lifetime player bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Donald Trump turns it over at after a timeout! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
Jeffrey Epstein tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the philanthropist will bounce back!
Donald Trump sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Jeffrey Epstein turns back to look at the court one last time. Sean Combs doesn't turn around. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-124 (L)
Barack Obama blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Barack Obama launches but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Barack Obama dribbles it off their foot! Their bullhorn would never betray a community organizer like that!
Barack Obama scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
This absolute legend Donald Trump slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime. Jeffrey Epstein throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs short-arms an and-one driving to the hoop! Not enough lift!
Sean Combs tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a philanthropist's energy for the game!
Joe Biden tries to be too fancy and loses the ball! Hot head in the decision-making!
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Sean Combs and Joe Biden walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
Barack Obama, this generational talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Sean Combs throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Barack Obama with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
Joe Biden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the young scholars slipping from a university professor!
Joe Biden mutters to himself walking back! This living legend fighting inner demons!
First half is done. Donald Trump is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Donald Trump keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Barack Obama misses at the buzzer! A community organizer who missed the deadline!
Sean Combs asks for ice! Cooling down, even a philanthropist's engine needs a rest!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Sean Combs drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philanthropist's spirit has limits!
Sean Combs goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This established star will learn from this.
Joe Biden lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Donald Trump holds his in. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Team Epstein finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Team Epstein!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Biden. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Team Epstein finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
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