godly goals — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | godly goals | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Godly goals! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Eric Cartman. A deceiver in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their forged papers better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Eric Cartman has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the trusting mark and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
91-132 (L)
Jesus Christ, this generational talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Brick! Michael Jordan misfires off the pick and roll! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Michael Jordan fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jesus Christ beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a messiah!
Patrick Mahomes, this league veteran, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Heading in. Stephen Curry's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Stephen Curry threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This diamond in the rough Eric Cartman puts up a fadeaway jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ with the errant pass! This all-time great needs to settle down!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Jesus Christ chews his nails on the bench. Stephen Curry stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-109 (L)
Eric Cartman, this hungry young player, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Michael Jordan, this giant, wastes a golden chance with a wild catch-and-shoot triple!
Michael Jordan, this titan, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This all-time great Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Jesus Christ handles the Spalding like their bare hands. A step-back three back to the basket! The precision of a messiah!
The players head in. Michael Jordan slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Michael Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This basketball god Jesus Christ can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Patrick Mahomes, this dude putting the league on notice, pulls the trigger back to the basket but no luck!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
This established star Stephen Curry can barely jump! The springs are gone at the buzzer!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this bonafide star.
Stephen Curry sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-114 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Michael Jordan misfires facing the rim! This all-time great searching for answers!
Intercepted! Eric Cartman's pass snatched right out of the air! A deceiver would never be that careless!
Stephen Curry falls asleep on the weak side! Hot head exposed!
Jesus Christ rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
Break time. Michael Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. They say Michael Jordan eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
A sky hook from Michael Jordan goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
Patrick Mahomes, this versatile guy, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Stephen Curry attacks a step slower than usual! Heavy feet in the tank!
Jesus Christ sits alone on the bench. This basketball god processing the defeat.
Michael Jordan hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Stephen Curry keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-92 (W)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
A buzzer-beater by Patrick Mahomes! The building is rocking! This up-and-coming baller takeover!
Eric Cartman a monster swat with authority! This solid build protecting the paint!
Michael Jordan pulls up and creates! Another assist under the basket! Quarterback!
Patrick Mahomes identifies the soft spot in the zone! This legit talent surgical precision!
That's a cut. Eric Cartman stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. They say Eric Cartman has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
A buzzer beater by Stephen Curry! The crowd erupts! That dawg mentality personified!
Patrick Mahomes drives and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Jesus Christ, this living legend, communicates the switch! Nerves of steel and vocal leadership!
This next-level player Patrick Mahomes refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Michael Jordan blows past to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! This absolute legend gave everything!
Jesus Christ does a backflip. Well, he tries. Stephen Curry applauds the effort. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-99 (W)
Eric Cartman, this smooth operator, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Stephen Curry steps back the pill with flair and hits a euro-step! Sensational!
Patrick Mahomes, this legit talent, clamps down on the star player! Insane court vision on the assignment!
Eric Cartman, this newcomer, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a buzzer beater!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ with the savvy veteran play! Night-in night-out consistency experience showing!
Break! Stephen Curry has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Intel: Stephen Curry once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Patrick Mahomes answers back with a deep three! A killer instinct under pressure!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Jesus Christ gets hot!
This living legend Jesus Christ runs the damn ball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Jesus Christ is inevitable tonight! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't be stopped!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Patrick Mahomes and Jesus Christ carry Michael Jordan like a trophy across the entire court. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
129-93 (W)
Stephen Curry fires away with energy from the opening whistle! This franchise guy locked in!
Michael Jordan drains a bank shot from along the baseline! Textbook an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Jesus Christ with the no-look pass! Competing the game blindfolded!
Patrick Mahomes scores with ridiculous creativity. A pull-up jumper facing the rim! Too smooth!
This elite player Stephen Curry with the volleyball spike a drawn charge! Emphatic!
Break! Michael Jordan has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Michael Jordan tried to impress the Los Angeles Nursing-Home players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Patrick Mahomes attacks and scores! A bucket! This do-it-all player is a problem!
This dude out of nowhere Eric Cartman adds another! This is a demolition job!
Michael Jordan shoots the free throw on the wrong basket! Somebody say something!
Jesus Christ celebrates with a chest bump! Mimicking competing the game on the court!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ raises the arms! The win is in the books! A chest bump!
Eric Cartman does a belly slide on the court. Stephen Curry does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-125 (L)
Stephen Curry fires up the crowd to open the game! This reliable star starting strong!
Michael Jordan goes to work but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Michael Jordan explodes the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential GOAT!
Jesus Christ gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
This dude out of nowhere Eric Cartman fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Patrick Mahomes walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Patrick Mahomes failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
A free throw from Jesus Christ catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Patrick Mahomes is visibly tired! This respected competitor needs a timeout badly!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, commits the travel! Sometimes predictable game in the footwork!
Eric Cartman, this guy nobody was talking about, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
This next-level player Patrick Mahomes stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this next-level player wanted.
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Stephen Curry decides not to comment. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-99 (W)
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry takes the charge at the buzzer! Gutsy play!
Patrick Mahomes, this next-level player, fumbles the finish at the buzzer! Back to the drawing board!
Patrick Mahomes dribbles the Wilson with nerves of steel. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Stephen Curry shoots to the right spot! Scary good handles off-ball movement!
Halftime. Stephen Curry wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: Stephen Curry tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Patrick Mahomes with the clutch rebound! This hooper's hooper fighting for every ball!
This headliner Stephen Curry anchors the defense off the pick and roll! Nothing gets through!
This world-class player Stephen Curry has the arena rocking! An incredible energy off the charts!
Eric Cartman ties it up! Evening things out with deceiver composure!
Patrick Mahomes, this well-respected player, soaks in the moment! Victory under the basket! A bench mob celebration!
Eric Cartman does a cartwheel at center court. Stephen Curry tries one too and eats it. I got a text from Eric Cartman after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-105 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the court! From competing the game to this, game time!
This guy with a proven track record Patrick Mahomes with a cold-blooded two-handed slam! No conscience!
Jesus Christ gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Michael Jordan steals and scores! This absolute legend cutting the gap back to the basket!
First half is done. Patrick Mahomes is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Small detail: Patrick Mahomes whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This bonafide star Stephen Curry with the clutch-time breakdown! Limited stamina on full display!
Jesus Christ shakes their head! A messiah who can't believe that just happened!
This hungry young player Eric Cartman digs deep! Finding reserves nobody knew existed!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, chokes on the big stage! In the money time miss!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Eric Cartman scratches the back of his neck nervously. Jesus Christ has the look of someone who has seen things. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
104-119 (L)
This franchise guy Stephen Curry gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Michael Jordan misses the open look! This basketball god can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Stephen Curry posts up into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Michael Jordan lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this potential GOAT fooled!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, drops a step-back three in the paint! Pure artistry!
Halftime. Jesus Christ's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Stephen Curry gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Eric Cartman shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a deceiver at work!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
Stephen Curry launches past the media. This guy everybody knows not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Stephen Curry keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Did you know that Stephen Curry practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
108-86 (W)
Game time! Stephen Curry and this established star ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Jesus Christ adds to the total! A messiah who always exceeds expectations!
Eric Cartman times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A drawn charge from the right corner!
Michael Jordan, this giant, finds the trailer! A deep three off the assist, easy money!
This legit talent Patrick Mahomes sets the back screen! A killer instinct off-ball contribution!
The players head in. Stephen Curry slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little secret: Stephen Curry listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, threads the needle for a sky hook along the baseline!
The crowd is on its feet! An incredible energy as Patrick Mahomes takes the court!
Stephen Curry attacks the rock with patience! This world-class player trusting the system!
The arc of this game bends toward Stephen Curry! This franchise guy controlling destiny!
This dark horse Eric Cartman wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Patrick Mahomes films the whole thing. I learned backstage that Michael Jordan also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
91-112 (L)
Eric Cartman, this all-around player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This diamond in the rough is in the building!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
This well-respected player Patrick Mahomes with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Eric Cartman gets posted up and scored on! This player nobody saw coming overpowered!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, carves up the defense for a sky hook! Beautiful!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan slides down against the hallway wall. Exclusive: Michael Jordan was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan muscles up a scoop layup but can't get it to fall!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, exploits the mismatch facing the rim! Smart play!
This global icon Michael Jordan can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Eric Cartman sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Michael Jordan winces. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-113 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Patrick Mahomes fires a fadeaway jumper back to the basket but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan gets pickpocketed at the buzzer! Sloppy handling!
Patrick Mahomes gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This dude putting the league on notice Patrick Mahomes is automatic at half court! A catch-and-shoot triple drops again!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jesus Christ asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This player making noise Patrick Mahomes stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Michael Jordan drives but overcooks it! Hot head showing up again!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a fadeaway jumper!
Jesus Christ bends over during the dead ball! This all-time great gathering what's left!
Michael Jordan reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
Patrick Mahomes closes his eyes walking out. Michael Jordan keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michael Jordan. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-125 (L)
Stephen Curry, this elite player, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Patrick Mahomes, this combo guard, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this next-level player!
Eric Cartman loses the orange in traffic! This surprise package can't afford that!
Michael Jordan, this giant, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
Eric Cartman is visibly upset! Upset as a deceiver when the trusting mark goes sideways!
Halftime. Patrick Mahomes glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Patrick Mahomes once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Michael Jordan can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Jesus Christ waves for a timeout! The messiah needs the game break!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This reliable star is visibly upset!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This once-in-a-lifetime player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Jordan slams his fist on the bench. Stephen Curry places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-105 (L)
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook from mid-range!
Jesus Christ with the step-back floater! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Stephen Curry reacts too late to rotate! Heavy feet on the help side!
Eric Cartman misfires again! Having the trusting mark-shaped night!
Stephen Curry sparks the comeback! A free throw in the paint! This All-Star caliber talent leads the charge!
Halftime! Stephen Curry looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Curry raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, misses the potential game-winner! Hot head!
Patrick Mahomes mutters to himself walking back! This dude putting the league on notice fighting inner demons!
Eric Cartman is living proof that deceiver can thrive on the floor!
Eric Cartman pulls up but can't score in the extra period! Opportunity lost!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
Michael Jordan pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephen Curry doesn't have a cap, and it shows. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
godly goals finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Godly goals!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Eric Cartman. A deceiver in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their forged papers better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Eric Cartman has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the trusting mark and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
godly goals finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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