My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Donald Trump. The man is an investor. A freaking investor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their portfolio ledger and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
74-119 (L)
Sean Combs takes the court to an electric crowd! The philanthropist with their bare hands is here!
Sean Combs dunks the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this world-class player!
Jeffrey Epstein dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a philanthropist like that!
Sean Combs gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Donald Trump gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Off to the locker room. Donald Trump has already drained two water bottles. Word is Donald Trump sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Sean Combs with a wild attempt! This headliner not finding the range tonight!
Bill Clinton is running on pure willpower! This household name refusing to quit!
Jeffrey Epstein turns it over on the final possession! A philanthropist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking drives angrily after the turnover! This guy with rings on every finger spiraling!
Stephen Hawking had the chances but couldn't convert. This living legend left wanting.
Stephen Hawking chews his nails on the bench. Jeffrey Epstein stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Stephen Hawking's name. Forgive me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
82-125 (L)
The gymnasium welcomes Bill Clinton! The statesperson with the political storm has arrived!
Jeffrey Epstein misfires! The philanthropist's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Sean Combs, this tweener, gets stripped facing the rim! Tendency to rush exposed!
Donald Trump scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime whistle. Bill Clinton spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Bill Clinton raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Donald Trump misfires back to the basket! Even this potential GOAT has off nights!
Bill Clinton takes the rest play! Even a statesperson needs a breather!
Donald Trump loses the leather! An investor would never be this careless!
Jeffrey Epstein looks to the heavens! A philanthropist praying for their bare hands to work!
Stephen Hawking sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a university professor after their lecture notes broke!
Stephen Hawking replays the score in his head on a loop. Sean Combs tries to think about something else. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-133 (L)
Stephen Hawking fires up the crowd to open the game! This hall-of-fame lock starting strong!
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as bankrolling the next venture!
Turnover by Bill Clinton! Navigating the political storm requires less coordination, clearly!
Bill Clinton falls asleep on the weak side! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Sean Combs, this elite player, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Stephen Hawking plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Bill Clinton misfires at half court! Their diplomatic pouch calibration needed!
Jeffrey Epstein struggles in the second quarter! The philanthropist hitting the wall with the game!
Stephen Hawking loses possession! The young scholars never leaves a university professor's hands like that!
Jeffrey Epstein stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even an investor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Donald Trump mutters while walking out. Bill Clinton watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I learned that Donald Trump's father was a philanthropist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-128 (L)
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! A gym-rat work ethic from the jump!
Sean Combs can't hit from the key! That zone is cursed for this philanthropist!
Stephen Hawking with the errant pass! This undisputed superstar needs to settle down!
Bill Clinton beaten to the spot! Slower than a statesperson on a Monday morning!
Donald Trump, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Lack of consistency written all over his face!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Bill Clinton picks up the pace. Did you know Bill Clinton started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Stephen Hawking dunks but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Sean Combs gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a philanthropist begging the game for mercy!
Donald Trump penetrates into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Jeffrey Epstein picks up the second technical! This potential GOAT ejected! Lack of consistency!
Bill Clinton hangs their head! A statesperson who gave everything they had!
Bill Clinton bites his lip, fists clenched. Donald Trump shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-129 (L)
Tip-off! Jeffrey Epstein gets us started! Let's go!
Stephen Hawking launches and misses! The orange isn't the young scholars, and it shows!
Sean Combs throws it away! A pass worse than a philanthropist tossing the game!
Bill Clinton gets screened out! Stuck behind their diplomatic pouch like it's a wall!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an investor's spirit has limits!
Back to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein punches his locker. Little scoop: Jeffrey Epstein logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Stephen Hawking bricks another one! Building something awful with their lecture notes tonight!
Sean Combs, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted from downtown! The legs are gone!
Sean Combs trips up in the paint! A philanthropist never trips at work... Right?
Donald Trump walks away muttering! Muttering about the next venture under their breath!
Jeffrey Epstein pulls up to the tunnel in disappointment. This global icon will learn from this.
Donald Trump walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Stephen Hawking drags one foot after the other. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-134 (L)
Sean Combs takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this bonafide star!
This franchise guy Sean Combs with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Intercepted! Jeffrey Epstein's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Sean Combs, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Bill Clinton sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a statesperson after a long shift!
The players file out. Sean Combs exchanges a tense look with the coach. Staff confession: Sean Combs is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Bill Clinton, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Donald Trump is visibly tired! This hall-of-fame lock needs a timeout badly!
Sean Combs botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Stephen Hawking drops the head after another miss! Sometimes predictable game sapping the confidence!
Jeffrey Epstein leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Sean Combs sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jeffrey Epstein winces. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
74-118 (L)
Bill Clinton checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Sean Combs forces a tear drop along the baseline! This bonafide star trying too hard!
Stolen from Stephen Hawking! A university professor who let it slip through their fingers!
Jeffrey Epstein gets blown by! Even a philanthropist couldn't stop that!
Jeffrey Epstein argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Break. Stephen Hawking collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Sean Combs shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A philanthropist lost in the noise!
Bill Clinton is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the statesperson is spent!
Donald Trump gets picked! An investor getting the next venture stolen in broad daylight!
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Jeffrey Epstein walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to philanthropist life tomorrow!
Jeffrey Epstein's gaze is cold, distant. Donald Trump's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Donald Trump. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-134 (L)
Bill Clinton sets the tone early! The statesperson came to play tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein just barely misses! Close as a philanthropist getting the game almost right!
Sean Combs with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Donald Trump lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
Stephen Hawking slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jeffrey Epstein asks for an ice pack. Word is Jeffrey Epstein sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Bill Clinton launches from deep and misses! A statesperson's range doesn't apply here!
Donald Trump cramps up! Muscles tight from their portfolio ledger and the Wilson double duty!
Bill Clinton forces the pass! Forcing their diplomatic pouch where it doesn't fit!
This all-time great Jeffrey Epstein throws an elbow in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Despite the loss, Donald Trump held their own with the next venture! The investor fought!
Bill Clinton and Sean Combs walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Sean Combs. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-134 (L)
Bill Clinton wins the opening tip! Tipping off with statesperson energy!
This bonafide star Sean Combs rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass at half court!
Bill Clinton gets crossed over! This once-in-a-lifetime player left frozen from the right corner!
Bill Clinton, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Break. Donald Trump's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Anecdote: Donald Trump tried to impress the Houston Blast-Off players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, pulls the trigger under the basket but no luck!
This hall-of-fame lock Bill Clinton can barely jump! The springs are gone from the right corner!
Donald Trump coughs it up! An investor's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Sean Combs sits alone on the bench. This elite player processing the defeat.
Jeffrey Epstein bites the inside of his cheek. Sean Combs pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-124 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Hawking is ready! You can see next-level basketball IQ written all over his face!
Sean Combs air-mails a double-clutch layup in transition! Way off for this headliner!
Bill Clinton throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the statesperson got too confident!
Jeffrey Epstein loses the battle in the paint! Being a philanthropist doesn't help you here!
Stephen Hawking mouths off at late in the quarter! A university professor venting about the young scholars!
That's a wrap for now. Bill Clinton dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Bill Clinton tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jeffrey Epstein can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The basketball through the hoop, nope!
Sean Combs digs deep! Deep as a philanthropist digs into the game!
Jeffrey Epstein fires away the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this absolute legend!
Sean Combs, this big-name player, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Donald Trump gave it everything! Everything an investor has, left on the court!
Jeffrey Epstein walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Donald Trump speeds up. Wants it to be over. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-128 (L)
Stephen Hawking comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the university professor means business!
Donald Trump can't buy a bucket! Maybe the next venture would be easier to aim!
Jeffrey Epstein with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost philanthropist!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Donald Trump glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this investor!
Off to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Jeffrey Epstein is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jeffrey Epstein can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
Stephen Hawking tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a university professor's energy for the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the pill!
Donald Trump, this solid build, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
This household name Stephen Hawking congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this household name.
Sean Combs sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Bill Clinton has his head in his hands. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-129 (L)
And we're underway! Sean Combs touches the leather first! This jersey-selling name looks eager!
Sean Combs launches a devastating dunk and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
Donald Trump with the careless pass! Bankrolling the next venture with more care, please!
Jeffrey Epstein can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
This franchise guy Sean Combs can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. Sean Combs wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Exclusive info: Sean Combs is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Donald Trump misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Stephen Hawking wipes sweat with the sneakers! Drenched, the university professor has been putting in work!
Donald Trump passes to nobody! This household name with a head-scratching decision!
Donald Trump, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the buzzer!
Sean Combs absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a philanthropist knows tough days!
Jeffrey Epstein stares at the floor while Sean Combs mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
79-123 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein starts in the rim protector! Playing the rim protector the way a philanthropist plays with their bare hands!
This first-ballot legend Jeffrey Epstein throws up a prayer at the top of the key! Not answered!
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the investor can't watch!
Break. Stephen Hawking's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know? Stephen Hawking tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jeffrey Epstein can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Bill Clinton is running on fumes! The statesperson tank is completely empty!
Stephen Hawking with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!
Sean Combs storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
Stephen Hawking packs up and heads out! Packing their lecture notes, unpacking emotions!
Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-131 (L)
Sean Combs steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
Sean Combs spins the orange into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Stephen Hawking charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump gives up the offensive rebound! Limited stamina when boxing out!
Stephen Hawking spins away from the huddle! This hall-of-fame lock in a dark place mentally!
Halftime! Jeffrey Epstein checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Jeffrey Epstein has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Epstein clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Donald Trump stumbles on the play! Stumbling like an investor over the next venture!
Donald Trump double-dribbles! Bankrolling the next venture doesn't have that rule!
This max-contract guy Sean Combs shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This potential GOAT Bill Clinton stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this potential GOAT wanted.
Donald Trump mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Hawking says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Hawking. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-129 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Jeffrey Epstein in the starting lineup! Let's see what this certified GOAT candidate brings!
Stephen Hawking gets blocked! Rejected harder than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Sean Combs shoots into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Bill Clinton turns the head and loses the man! This global icon napping defensively!
Donald Trump waves off the play! The authority of an investor in that gesture!
Break! Sean Combs heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Sean Combs has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Bill Clinton, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Stephen Hawking slows down visibly! Slower than their lecture notes on low power!
This household name Bill Clinton with turnover number points! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Jeffrey Epstein tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the philanthropist will bounce back!
Bill Clinton looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a statesperson!
Stephen Hawking whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Bill Clinton nods without conviction. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Donald Trump. The man is an investor. A freaking investor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their portfolio ledger and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
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