My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Donald Trump. The man. Is. A film producer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A film producer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their loaded checkbook and apparently, the technical motion of a film producer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Sean Combs steps onto the court! From competing the game to this, game time!
Adolf Hitler skips it off the rim! The front line has better hop than that!
This hall-of-fame lock Donald Trump with turnover number buckets! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
This all-time great Donald Trump stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Time to breathe. Adolf Hitler has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Intel: Adolf Hitler once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ air-mails a buzzer beater from the left corner! Way off for this potential GOAT!
Donald Trump drives a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This hall-of-fame lock under too much pressure!
Adolf Hitler mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Despite the loss, Adolf Hitler held their own with the front line! The soldier fought!
Sean Combs bites his lip, fists clenched. Donald Trump shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Evening confession: I'm wearing Sean Combs's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-129 (L)
Donald Trump checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A deep three by Jesus Christ from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this guy with rings on every finger!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Limited stamina in ball-handling!
Adolf Hitler loses the battle in the paint! Being a soldier doesn't help you here!
Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!
The locker room. Kim Jong-un sprawls out full-length on the bench. Quick anecdote about Kim Jong-un: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far facing the rim!
Donald Trump misses from fatigue! This household name can't get the elevation along the baseline!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
Sean Combs attacks the towel! This All-Star caliber talent showing injury-prone body!
This living legend Donald Trump shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Sean Combs shakes Jesus Christ's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Evening confession: I'm wearing Sean Combs's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-110 (W)
Kim Jong-un starts in the scorer! Playing the scorer way a politician plays with their campaign podium!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, blankets the shooter at the top of the key! No daylight!
Adolf Hitler can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
Jesus Christ posts up on the low block with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
Donald Trump makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true film producer!
Break! Kim Jong-un heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive info: Kim Jong-un is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Jesus Christ with ice in their veins! Cool as a messiah when everything's on the line!
Sean Combs, this tweener, contests everything from mid-range! Night-in night-out consistency on full display!
The crowd waves their campaign podium replicas! Kim Jong-un has started a movement!
Sean Combs hits back-to-back shots! Rapid-fire like competing the game on repeat!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, salutes the faithful! A slide across the hardwood! What a night!
Sean Combs dumps his Gatorade on Donald Trump who screams because it was cold. Kim Jong-un piles on. Did you know that Donald Trump practices philanthropist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-114 (L)
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
A buzzer-beater from Kim Jong-un goes in and out! Heartbreaking in transition!
Donald Trump pulls up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!
Adolf Hitler lays it in softly! Touch softer than a soldier's hands on the job!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know Adolf Hitler entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Donald Trump mutters to himself walking back! This absolute legend fighting inner demons!
Jesus Christ gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the messiah touch can't save that one!
Kim Jong-un with the perfect cut! Precision of a politician with their campaign podium!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This potential GOAT has nothing left!
Sean Combs, this tweener, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Kim Jong-un stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Adolf Hitler comes back to get him. I learned that Kim Jong-un's father was a philanthropist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-107 (L)
Donald Trump wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Donald Trump can't buy a bucket! Maybe the risky picture would be easier to aim!
Sean Combs loses the rock! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Jesus Christ dunks and delivers a sky hook! Their bare hands by day, buckets by night!
Halftime! Donald Trump has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Donald Trump entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Jesus Christ drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
Sean Combs creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, philanthropist-level thinking!
This top-tier talent Sean Combs can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Donald Trump absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a film producer knows tough days!
Adolf Hitler's lip is trembling. Sean Combs dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-115 (L)
The floor welcomes Donald Trump! The film producer with the risky picture has arrived!
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
Kim Jong-un passes to nobody! This all-time great with a head-scratching decision!
Adolf Hitler caught flat-footed! Standing still, the soldier reflexes took a nap!
Donald Trump converts in the paint! A bucket with trademark iron discipline!
Halftime whistle! Adolf Hitler grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote of the day: Adolf Hitler forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Sean Combs storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
Air ball from Sean Combs! Being a philanthropist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Sean Combs spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Sean Combs is running on pure willpower! This All-Star caliber talent refusing to quit!
Kim Jong-un looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a politician!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Sean Combs has his head in his hands. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-126 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Kim Jong-un misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the public policy!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Adolf Hitler gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a soldier's worst day on the job!
Sean Combs buries their face! Hidden from view, the philanthropist can't watch!
End of the second quarter. Donald Trump is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? Donald Trump once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
A fadeaway jumper from Kim Jong-un catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jesus Christ goes to work but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
This big-name player Sean Combs loses concentration and the orange with it!
Adolf Hitler throws their hands up! Like a soldier when their service rifle breaks!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential GOAT.
Sean Combs lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Adolf Hitler holds his in. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-126 (L)
Kim Jong-un takes the court to palpable tension! The politician with their campaign podium is here!
Adolf Hitler bobbles and misses! Fumbling the basketball like it's a Monday morning!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Sean Combs overcommits! Going all-in like a philanthropist on the game, but wrong!
Donald Trump walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
End of the first half. Adolf Hitler is beet red but still standing. Anecdote of the day: Adolf Hitler forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
Donald Trump, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass from mid-range!
This absolute legend Donald Trump can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Donald Trump, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Sean Combs lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Adolf Hitler decides not to comment. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
100-122 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Jong-un in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy with rings on every finger brings!
Adolf Hitler just barely misses! Close as a soldier getting the front line almost right!
Adolf Hitler loses the orange in traffic! This certified GOAT candidate can't afford that!
Adolf Hitler gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
The technical flair of Jesus Christ recalls their messiah days. A bank shot! Sublime!
The players leave the court. Sean Combs clings to the tunnel railing. Quick anecdote about Sean Combs: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kim Jong-un glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this politician!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Jesus Christ takes off the ball out of the trap! A gym-rat work ethic under pressure!
Kim Jong-un is visibly tired! This household name needs a timeout badly!
Donald Trump had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Sean Combs avoids the cameras like the plague. Donald Trump gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Did you know that Donald Trump practices philanthropist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-111 (L)
Opening possession for Kim Jong-un! First touch, like first touch of their campaign podium!
Brick! Kim Jong-un misfires from downtown! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
This big-name player Sean Combs misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
A half-court heave from Jesus Christ at the top of the key! That's a statement right there!
The players file out. Sean Combs exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Sean Combs blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Sean Combs gets a technical for complaining! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
An alley-oop from Jesus Christ sails wide! This global icon needs to regroup!
Adolf Hitler pushes the pace in transition! That dawg mentality showing in every play!
Sean Combs pulls up sluggishly! Ego the size of Texas catching up with this guy everybody knows!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Sean Combs taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Donald Trump walks through the door without pushing it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-118 (L)
Adolf Hitler lands the first double-clutch layup! First blood! The soldier strikes first!
Sean Combs can't score in the fourth quarter! This philanthropist is way off tonight!
Adolf Hitler coughs it up! A soldier's grip doesn't work on the ball!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler banks it in back to the basket! A soldier's steady hand at work!
The players file out. Kim Jong-un exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Kim Jong-un threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Donald Trump slams the Wilson in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Donald Trump clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their loaded checkbook hitting the risky picture!
Jesus Christ executes a quick ball-movement offense perfectly! Precision learned as a messiah!
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Tendency to rush draining the energy!
Donald Trump shakes hands through the pain! A film producer who respects their loaded checkbook and the game!
Adolf Hitler and Kim Jong-un walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-133 (L)
Adolf Hitler explodes into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Kim Jong-un can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the public policy, a politician always hits!
Jesus Christ with the errant pass! This global icon needs to settle down!
Adolf Hitler, this undersized spark plug, fouls unnecessarily in transition! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kim Jong-un argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to shaping the public policy!
Halftime. Donald Trump is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. True story: Donald Trump had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Sean Combs misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Kim Jong-un is clearly fatigued! The allotted time of this plus the allotted time of shaping the public policy!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This potential GOAT Adolf Hitler gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Adolf Hitler has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kim Jong-un has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
78-123 (L)
Kim Jong-un bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
This global icon Kim Jong-un muscles up a hook shot but can't get it to fall!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Kim Jong-un watches helplessly! A politician watching the public policy fall off the shelf!
Adolf Hitler shakes their head! A soldier who can't believe that just happened!
Rest time. Adolf Hitler isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. The staff told me Adolf Hitler sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Sean Combs rattles in and out! The game never teases a philanthropist like that!
Sean Combs misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Kim Jong-un throws it into the stands! What was that from this basketball god!
This generational talent Kim Jong-un throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Sean Combs packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ chews his nails on the bench. Adolf Hitler stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-131 (L)
Kim Jong-un shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Adolf Hitler, this hall-of-fame lock, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
This generational talent Jesus Christ commits the offensive foul! Turnover back to the basket!
Donald Trump watches them score! Just watching, like watching their loaded checkbook gather dust!
Sean Combs storms to the bench! This All-Star caliber talent is visibly upset!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kim Jong-un fades away the orange right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Sean Combs with a wild pass that sails out! This multi-time All-Star giving it away!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
This elite player Sean Combs leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Kim Jong-un sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Adolf Hitler puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-125 (L)
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
Sean Combs, this certified bucket, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Adolf Hitler beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the front line slipping from a soldier!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Both teams head in. Kim Jong-un has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Bus driver's confession: Kim Jong-un raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Adolf Hitler rushes a two-handed slam back to the basket! Tendency to rush creeping in!
This living legend Jesus Christ signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to force bad shots!
Donald Trump, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ, this global icon, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Kim Jong-un taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Donald Trump walks through the door without pushing it. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Donald Trump. The man. Is. A film producer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A film producer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their loaded checkbook and apparently, the technical motion of a film producer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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