Golden State Warriors — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | Golden State Warriors | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Golden State Warriors! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Batman is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Peter Parker. The man. Is. An amateur. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An amateur. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of an amateur and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-121 (L)
Thanos takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Thanos, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Thanos, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Thanos, this combo guard, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
This total unknown Thanos fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Cut! Halftime. Superman's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room intel: Superman has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Thanos rushes a half-court heave along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Peter Parker, this up-and-coming baller, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Thanos throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure along the baseline!
Thanos storms to the bench! This player nobody saw coming is visibly upset!
Batman tips the cap to the winners! The superhero's grace with the game!
Peter Parker slams his fist on the bench. Thanos places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
99-105 (L)
Superman locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a superhero who means business!
Peter Parker, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert off the pick and roll!
Turnover by Superman! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Superman loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
A bucket by Thanos! The crowd erupts! Unreal swagger personified!
The players disappear. Stephen Curry has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Staff confession: Stephen Curry is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Batman throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Superman can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
Batman communicates the switch! Clear as a superhero's instructions!
Stephen Curry posts up but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Stephen Curry sits alone on the bench. This multi-time All-Star processing the defeat.
Superman lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Thanos holds his in. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-113 (L)
This unknown gem Thanos means business! Fast start off the pick and roll!
Peter Parker fires a thunderous slam from downtown but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
This up-and-coming baller Peter Parker with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This first-ballot legend Batman caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Thanos, this dude out of nowhere, drops a hook shot along the baseline! Pure artistry!
Break! Superman has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: Superman failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Thanos with the off-balance sky hook! This raw talent couldn't set the feet!
Batman reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this superhero!
Superman barely gets back on defense! Moving like a superhero on a Friday afternoon!
Thanos reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Batman mutters while walking out. Peter Parker watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
97-101 (L)
Peter Parker opens with an alley-oop! This up-and-coming baller making an early statement!
Superman fires away the Wilson with flair and hits a sky hook! Sensational!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
This unknown gem Thanos misses the mark! A thunderous slam goes begging from downtown!
Superman ignites palpable tension! That superhero energy is contagious!
Coach calls everyone back. Superman drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote of the day: Superman forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Batman blows past but can't score in crunch time! Opportunity lost!
Thanos crosses over the towel! This guy nobody was talking about showing injury-prone body!
Peter Parker, this guy with a proven track record, answers every challenge! An off-the-charts basketball IQ never fading!
Peter Parker can't convert in the fourth quarter! This well-respected player shrinks in the moment!
Batman fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the superhero gave everything!
Stephen Curry chews his nails on the bench. Peter Parker stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Peter Parker. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
118-101 (W)
This undisputed superstar Superman gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Batman penetrates with the precision of a superhero at work. And it's a thunderous slam!
Batman plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this global icon!
Batman, this tweener, drops the dime! An off-the-charts basketball IQ passing on display!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry adjusts the angle mid-drive! A killer instinct body control!
Back in the locker room, Superman sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Superman plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Superman, this combo guard, muscles in for a bucket! Pure power!
This league veteran Peter Parker silences the hostile crowd! An electric crowd shifts!
Superman covers for the teammate! Got your back, that's the superhero way!
Every time Superman touches the rock, you see the discipline of their bare hands!
Batman daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Stephen Curry and Batman carry Peter Parker like a trophy across the entire court. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
111-113 (L)
Superman, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
What a play by Thanos! A layup at half court! This diamond in the rough is cooking!
Batman bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!
Brick! Batman misfires off the pick and roll! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Batman, this guy with rings on every finger, completes the improbable rally! Incredible!
The players disappear. Batman has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Batman got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry with the clutch-time breakdown! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, barks at the teammate! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Batman is inevitable tonight! This global icon can't be stopped!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry can't deliver when it matters! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure!
Thanos, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Peter Parker pulls his cap down over his eyes. Superman doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-119 (L)
Thanos looks dialed in from the start! Nerves of steel preparation showing!
Batman clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Peter Parker, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped in the paint! Injury-prone body exposed!
Peter Parker reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Superman hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like their bare hands placement!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Superman picks up the pace. Physio's confession: Superman purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Thanos, this raw talent, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
A reverse layup by Stephen Curry off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this guy everybody knows!
Thanos, this rising star, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Batman is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
Superman dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This undisputed superstar will learn from this.
Stephen Curry collapses into the first available chair. Thanos stays standing, eyes glazed over. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-131 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Peter Parker can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the top of the key! Frustrating!
Batman pulls up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Thanos gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Stephen Curry slams the rock in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Finally a breather. Batman has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. True story: Batman walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Minnesota Ice-Wall. Awkward. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Batman blows past but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Thanos pulls up but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
Stephen Curry coughs up the basketball! Limited stamina strikes again at the buzzer!
This established star Stephen Curry stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Despite the loss, Batman held their own with the game! The superhero fought!
Batman clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Peter Parker fidgets with his wristband nervously. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-105 (L)
Superman sets the tone early! The superhero came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!
Batman throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
Batman can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Peter Parker dribbles past the defense for a free throw! Size advantage from this this versatile guy!
The players head to the locker room. Superman is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: Superman got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Stephen Curry glares at the scoreboard! This max-contract guy not happy with the situation!
A double-clutch layup from Thanos sails wide! This hidden prospect needs to regroup!
Superman triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with superhero urgency!
Thanos pulls up a step slower than usual! Limited stamina in the tank!
Batman sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Stephen Curry slams his fist on the bench. Thanos places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-128 (L)
The game begins and Peter Parker is ready! You can see ridiculous creativity written all over his face!
Superman, this all-time great, with the shot-clock heave! No good back to the basket!
Thanos, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Batman loses the battle in the paint! Being a superhero doesn't help you here!
Superman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
The players head to the locker room. Stephen Curry is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know Stephen Curry once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Batman lets fly the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This household name Superman has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This household name Superman gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Superman looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
Peter Parker walks off in silence. This hooper's hooper gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Peter Parker leaves the court at a jog. Superman stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-118 (L)
Stephen Curry goes to work onto the floor! The crowd roars for this reliable star!
A scoop layup attempt by Thanos falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
Peter Parker loses the Spalding in traffic! This player on the come-up can't afford that!
Superman gets posted up and scored on! This once-in-a-lifetime player overpowered!
Batman, this first-ballot legend, sinks a fadeaway jumper with surgical precision along the baseline!
Halftime! Thanos is limping slightly heading off the court. Small detail: Thanos wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Superman walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Batman gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the superhero touch can't save that one!
This all-time great Superman with the savvy veteran play! Night-in night-out consistency experience showing!
This hooper's hooper Peter Parker can't close out! The legs are shot from the right corner!
Batman takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Superman slams his fist on the bench. Batman places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-118 (L)
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! An incredible energy!
This surprise package Thanos with a rare miss back to the basket! Even the best stumble!
Superman gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a superhero's grip!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
This dude out of nowhere Thanos with a beautiful half-court heave from the left corner! Poetry in motion!
Halftime! Superman checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: Superman watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This headliner Stephen Curry gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Peter Parker explodes the ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this up-and-coming baller!
Batman adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the superhero approach!
Superman is running on pure willpower! This global icon refusing to quit!
This name that's buzzing Peter Parker leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Stephen Curry's eyes are red, jaw tight. Peter Parker apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-130 (L)
This player making noise Peter Parker comes out aggressive! Opens with a catch-and-shoot triple facing the rim!
Thanos rises up the Wilson into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the damn ball!
This reliable star Stephen Curry bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
Peter Parker picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Heavy feet!
Halftime. Batman is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Intel: Batman once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Batman goes to work but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
This headliner Stephen Curry forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Thanos can't mask the disappointment! This total unknown wearing it on the sleeve!
Superman vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Stephen Curry looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Superman looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
92-115 (L)
This unknown gem Thanos comes out firing! A bank shot in the first minute!
Superman misses the open look! A superhero never misses the game... But misses the basketball!
This established star Stephen Curry dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Stephen Curry lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this elite player fooled!
Batman muscles through for a tear drop! The strength of a superhero moving the game!
Halftime! Peter Parker is limping slightly heading off the court. Intel: Peter Parker once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Superman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Peter Parker launches an and-one and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! Next-level basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This headliner Stephen Curry signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Batman leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Thanos snaps at the bench on his way out. Superman says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-129 (L)
This raw talent Thanos catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Thanos, this versatile guy, gets stuffed trying a free throw! Denied!
Batman loses possession! The game never leaves a superhero's hands like that!
Batman can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
This hidden prospect Thanos throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Peter Parker wipes his forehead with his jersey. They say Peter Parker has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
A double-clutch layup from Thanos goes in and out! Heartbreaking from downtown!
Thanos, this do-it-all player, with tired legs on the low block! Defense that's basically a suggestion slowing this player nobody saw coming down!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This world-class player needs to settle down!
Stephen Curry mutters to himself walking back! This franchise guy fighting inner demons!
This hungry young player Thanos tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Thanos hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Stephen Curry keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Golden State Warriors finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Golden State Warriors!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Batman is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Peter Parker. The man. Is. An amateur. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An amateur. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of an amateur and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Golden State Warriors finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
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