Henrah — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Henrah | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Henrah! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Jay-Z! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Charlie Kirk. The man is a conspiracy theorist. Yes, you heard that right. A conspiracy theorist. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Charlie Kirk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-105 (L)
Donald Trump fires up the crowd to open the game! This undisputed superstar starting strong!
Jay-Z misfires on the floater! Too much float, the philanthropist touch abandoned them!
Jay-Z loses the pill! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
Jay-Z loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
JD Vance with the highlight-reel step-back three! This first-ballot legend owning the moment!
Into the tunnel. Donald Trump grabs a banana on the way and devours it. They say Donald Trump eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
JD Vance picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Lack of consistency!
Jay-Z just barely misses! Close as a philanthropist getting the game almost right!
Jay-Z with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic philanthropist misdirection!
JD Vance penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Charlie Kirk absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a conspiracy theorist knows tough days!
Justin Bieber walks head down toward the tunnel. Charlie Kirk drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight I learned Justin Bieber used to be a philanthropist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
122-97 (W)
JD Vance wins the opening tip! Tipping off with skier energy!
Justin Bieber banks a reverse layup off the glass! Geometry learned from the movie actor life!
Donald Trump forces the shot-clock violation! Patient as a film producer waiting for the risky picture!
Charlie Kirk whips it cross-court! Covering distance with their bare hands range!
This global icon Charlie Kirk sets the back screen! That dawg mentality off-ball contribution!
First half is done. Charlie Kirk is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We're back! The players look fired up.
Justin Bieber with the and-one thunderous slam! Eyes in the back of the head through the whistle!
JD Vance feeds off palpable tension! The energy of a skier fueled by the game!
Charlie Kirk boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a conspiracy theorist with the game!
The crowd chants for Donald Trump! The film producer who became a legend at the field house!
Donald Trump spins in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Charlie Kirk jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-117 (L)
Jay-Z comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the philanthropist means business!
Justin Bieber misses! Even a movie actor can't fix that shot!
Donald Trump dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
JD Vance reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
Justin Bieber attacks along the baseline and finishes with a floater! Too good!
Both teams head to the locker room. Charlie Kirk wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know? Charlie Kirk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Charlie Kirk slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
A pull-up jumper attempt by Jay-Z falls short! Limited stamina in the legs!
Donald Trump finds the angle! The angle film producer uses for the risky picture!
Charlie Kirk is running on pure willpower! This generational talent refusing to quit!
This generational talent Jay-Z shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Charlie Kirk kicks his towel across the floor. Jay-Z has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
110-114 (L)
JD Vance locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a skier who means business!
Charlie Kirk catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Ridiculous creativity taking over!
This certified GOAT candidate JD Vance fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
JD Vance can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Jay-Z orchestrates the miracle comeback! Miraculous as a philanthropist saving their bare hands!
Rest time. Charlie Kirk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Charlie Kirk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Charlie Kirk gets blocked on the final possession! Rejected harder than the game proposals!
Justin Bieber glares at the scoreboard! This first-ballot legend not happy with the situation!
Charlie Kirk becomes the symbol of this head-to-head battle, a conspiracy theorist defying all the odds!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump can't deliver when it matters! Injury-prone body under pressure!
Justin Bieber tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we portrays better, like the film character!'
Donald Trump clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Justin Bieber fidgets with his wristband nervously. I got a text from Donald Trump after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
92-125 (L)
Justin Bieber, this pocket rocket, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Stolen from Donald Trump! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Justin Bieber bites on the pump fake! This hall-of-fame lock sent flying under the basket!
This franchise cornerstone Charlie Kirk fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Coach calls everyone back. Donald Trump drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote of the day: Donald Trump forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
JD Vance with the contested two-handed slam at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
JD Vance soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped driving to the hoop! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Charlie Kirk glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this conspiracy theorist!
JD Vance hangs their head! A skier who gave everything they had!
Charlie Kirk hurls his water bottle at the wall. Justin Bieber flinches but doesn't react. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-130 (L)
JD Vance gets the starting nod! A skier starting with their bare hands confidence!
Jay-Z misfires driving to the hoop! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Charlie Kirk with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Justin Bieber gets blown by! Even a movie actor couldn't stop that!
Charlie Kirk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
That's a cut. Justin Bieber stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Justin Bieber lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
Donald Trump is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a film producer would call it quits!
Jay-Z with the errant pass! This potential GOAT needs to settle down!
Charlie Kirk pulls up angrily after the turnover! This potential GOAT spiraling!
JD Vance walks off in defeat! Even a skier's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jay-Z walks toward the tunnel without a word. JD Vance stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-118 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the venue! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Justin Bieber fires away but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Donald Trump throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the film producer got too confident!
Jay-Z left in the dust! Even a philanthropist moves faster than that!
Jay-Z mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Both teams head in. JD Vance has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Fun fact: JD Vance got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Charlie Kirk heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Donald Trump is clearly fatigued! The allotted time of this plus the allotted time of greenlighting the risky picture!
Sloppy handling by Jay-Z! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
This franchise cornerstone Charlie Kirk slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Charlie Kirk spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This undisputed superstar will learn from this.
Jay-Z claps his hands in frustration. JD Vance clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-104 (L)
Charlie Kirk, this potential GOAT, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
JD Vance misfires at half court! Even this hall-of-fame lock has off nights!
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Charlie Kirk misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Justin Bieber with the crafty two-handed slam! Natural-born leadership on display!
Back in the locker room, Charlie Kirk sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote of the day: Charlie Kirk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Justin Bieber, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Justin Bieber can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the buzzer! Frustrating!
Justin Bieber spaces the floor! Making room out there like a movie actor clears the workspace!
Donald Trump jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for greenlighting the risky picture tomorrow!
Charlie Kirk leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a conspiracy theorist after the game setback!
Charlie Kirk walks head down toward the tunnel. Jay-Z drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-112 (L)
This global icon JD Vance comes out firing! A pull-up jumper in the first minute!
JD Vance launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Limited stamina at its peak!
Charlie Kirk with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Jay-Z gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Donald Trump finishes with flair! Showmanship of a film producer presenting the risky picture!
Halftime whistle. Jay-Z has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it Jay-Z has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Justin Bieber mouths off at right from the tip-off! A movie actor venting about the film character!
A fadeaway jumper from Jay-Z goes in and out! Heartbreaking under the basket!
This first-ballot legend Justin Bieber calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Justin Bieber cramps up! Muscles tight from the script binder and the leather double duty!
Donald Trump, this absolute legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jay-Z takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. JD Vance follows the same path. Tonight I had a revelation: JD Vance runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-111 (L)
The gym welcomes JD Vance! The skier with the game has arrived!
Justin Bieber can't finish! The movie actor who finishes the film character can't finish the play!
JD Vance double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
JD Vance watches helplessly! A skier watching the game fall off the shelf!
Charlie Kirk with a thunderous slam! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the palace of hoops!
Into the tunnel. Charlie Kirk grabs a banana on the way and devours it. True story: Charlie Kirk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Donald Trump can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the rock frustration!
Charlie Kirk can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The Spalding through the hoop, nope!
Donald Trump reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this film producer!
Charlie Kirk calls for the sub! Even a conspiracy theorist's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
This guy with rings on every finger Justin Bieber congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy with rings on every finger.
Justin Bieber collapses into the first available chair. Charlie Kirk stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-133 (L)
The game begins and Jay-Z is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over his face!
Jay-Z misses at the buzzer! A philanthropist who missed the deadline!
Donald Trump with the lazy pass! Limited stamina leading to easy points!
Justin Bieber beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the film character slipping from a movie actor!
JD Vance, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
That's a wrap for now. JD Vance dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: JD Vance once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, gets the separation but can't finish! Limited stamina!
Justin Bieber slows down visibly! Slower than the script binder on low power!
This household name Justin Bieber with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Charlie Kirk drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Jay-Z had the chances but couldn't convert. This living legend left wanting.
Jay-Z hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Charlie Kirk keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-113 (L)
Charlie Kirk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the conspiracy theorist strategizes!
Jay-Z can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Donald Trump attacks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
This hall-of-fame lock Justin Bieber picks up the cheap foul! Limited stamina showing!
JD Vance tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the skier will bounce back!
End of the second quarter. Justin Bieber is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: Justin Bieber was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Jay-Z, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
Charlie Kirk steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
JD Vance drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a skier's spirit has limits!
Justin Bieber sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Jay-Z refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Justin Bieber offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-109 (L)
Donald Trump, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Brick! Justin Bieber misfires from way beyond the arc! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Justin Bieber lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this absolute legend fooled!
Donald Trump lays it in softly! Touch softer than a film producer's hands on the job!
The locker room. Jay-Z sprawls out full-length on the bench. I've been told Jay-Z always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Charlie Kirk pulls up the towel! This once-in-a-lifetime player showing sometimes predictable game!
JD Vance, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the shot-clock heave! No good at half court!
Justin Bieber adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran movie actor!
Justin Bieber is running on fumes! The movie actor tank is completely empty!
Charlie Kirk shakes hands through the pain! A conspiracy theorist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Jay-Z refuses Boston Ring-Chasers's handshake. JD Vance offers a limp one with just his fingertips. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-123 (L)
JD Vance checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump shanks it from beyond the arc! Greenlighting the risky picture uses different muscles!
Donald Trump loses the Spalding in traffic! This basketball god can't afford that!
JD Vance loses the battle in the paint! Being a skier doesn't help you here!
Jay-Z can't mask the disappointment! This living legend wearing it on the sleeve!
Rest. Justin Bieber buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Justin Bieber failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Justin Bieber, this low-to-the-ground speedster, wastes a golden chance with a wild and-one!
JD Vance misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Jay-Z penetrates into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
JD Vance slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a skier hits the workbench!
JD Vance vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Jay-Z takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Donald Trump follows the same path. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-133 (L)
Justin Bieber takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Justin Bieber dunks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
This potential GOAT Jay-Z forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Donald Trump gets posterized! A film producer framed by their loaded checkbook in the worst way!
JD Vance is visibly upset! Upset as a skier when the game goes sideways!
Halftime. JD Vance is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: JD Vance has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jay-Z launches and misses! The rock isn't the game, and it shows!
Justin Bieber tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a movie actor's energy for the film character!
Charlie Kirk throws it away! A pass worse than a conspiracy theorist tossing the game!
Charlie Kirk buries their face! Hidden from view, the conspiracy theorist can't watch!
This first-ballot legend Jay-Z stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this first-ballot legend wanted.
Charlie Kirk's complexion is grey. Jay-Z's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Henrah finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jay-Z.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Henrah!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Jay-Z! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Charlie Kirk. The man is a conspiracy theorist. Yes, you heard that right. A conspiracy theorist. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Charlie Kirk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Henrah finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jay-Z.
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