My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | My Team | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. Yes, you heard that right. A messiah. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jesus Christ had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
103-121 (L)
Helen Keller stretches center court! Loosening up, the suffragette is getting ready!
Jesus Christ forces a finger roll at the top of the key! This once-in-a-lifetime player trying too hard!
Victor Wembanyama passes to nobody! This respected competitor with a head-scratching decision!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Victor Wembanyama, this seasoned vet, operates back to the basket with a layup! Clinic!
Break time. Helen Keller bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little secret: Helen Keller listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Helen Keller walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Helen Keller grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Abraham Lincoln pulls up to the tunnel in disappointment. This living legend will learn from this.
Victor Wembanyama stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Abraham Lincoln exhales. Again. And again. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
128-83 (W)
Michael Jordan dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
Abraham Lincoln lays it in softly! Touch softer than a farmer's hands on the job!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, finds the trailer! A hook shot off the assist, easy money!
The technical flair of Jesus Christ recalls their messiah days. A pull-up jumper! Sublime!
Helen Keller a clutch steal and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Helen Keller picks up the pace. Exclusive: Helen Keller was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Jesus Christ spins with the precision of a messiah at work. And it's a fadeaway jumper!
Jesus Christ with the dagger in the blowout! Overkill! The messiah showed no mercy!
This seasoned vet Victor Wembanyama runs the wrong play again! Coach is beside themselves!
Jesus Christ salutes the bench! A messiah's salute to the their bare hands crew!
Abraham Lincoln hugs the coach! This first-ballot legend with a complete performance!
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ form a tunnel for Victor Wembanyama to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
121-76 (W)
This all-time great Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this all-time great brings!
Victor Wembanyama drains an alley-oop at half court! Textbook that dawg mentality!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, sets the table driving to the hoop! Assist master!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, drops a sky hook from mid-range! Pure artistry!
Helen Keller steals the ball! Quick hands from competing the game all day!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Michael Jordan picks up the pace. Did you know Michael Jordan plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Victor Wembanyama with the decisive euro-step! Scary good handles when it matters most!
Abraham Lincoln showboats with a bench mob celebration! Even the stubborn soil gets a rest in blowouts!
This name that's buzzing Victor Wembanyama passes to the opponent! Gift exchange driving to the hoop!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, with the primal scream! A slide across the hardwood! Raw emotion!
What a game for Helen Keller! Tomorrow's the game will feel easy after this!
Helen Keller takes Michael Jordan by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
129-84 (W)
Jesus Christ dunks with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, glides in transition for a silky floater!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a buzzer-beater!
Abraham Lincoln, this once-in-a-lifetime player, sinks a two-handed slam with surgical precision on the low block!
Michael Jordan a perfect contest with authority! This beanpole protecting the paint!
Halftime. Michael Jordan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Michael Jordan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Helen Keller crosses over under the basket with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
This all-time great Abraham Lincoln breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Jesus Christ offered the ref some the game advice! That's not how this works!
Helen Keller celebrates with a victory dance! Mimicking competing the game on the court!
Helen Keller, this generational talent, embraces the teammates! A salute to the fans! Sweet victory!
Abraham Lincoln points both hands at the sky. Jesus Christ points at Abraham Lincoln. Michael Jordan points at the exit. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-94 (W)
Jesus Christ looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
Abraham Lincoln slides to the passing lane and steals it! Silky smooth technique!
Victor Wembanyama rushes a sky hook in transition! Limited stamina creeping in!
What a play by Helen Keller! A layup in transition! This all-time great is cooking!
Abraham Lincoln, this potential GOAT, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Eyes in the back of the head!
Halftime! Abraham Lincoln is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama answers back immediately! A scoop layup under the basket! Resilient!
Abraham Lincoln gets a hand on it! The hand that wields the seed dibber strikes again!
What a standing ovation! Michael Jordan and the fans creating a spectacle!
Michael Jordan fades away for the game-tying bank shot! On a strategic timeout! Unbelievable!
Jesus Christ exits to a standing ovation! The messiah with their bare hands earns it!
Michael Jordan and Jesus Christ do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
130-84 (W)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Michael Jordan goes to work the basketball with flair and hits a hook shot! Sensational!
Jesus Christ delivers the entry pass! Right on the money from this messiah!
Michael Jordan catches fire! And it's a deep three! Nerves of steel taking over!
Michael Jordan with the suffocating defense! This potential GOAT is a wall out there!
End of the first act. Jesus Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Abraham Lincoln racks up a pull-up jumper! Productive night for this farmer!
Abraham Lincoln mercy-rules them! Even a farmer wouldn't be this ruthless!
This generational talent Helen Keller does the robot during the dead ball! A slide across the hardwood!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, chest bumps the teammate! A salute to the fans! Pure joy!
Helen Keller, this versatile guy, celebrates the win! A fist pump toward the bench! What a game!
Helen Keller takes Victor Wembanyama by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Victor Wembanyama. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-92 (W)
Abraham Lincoln, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This all-time great is in the building!
Helen Keller spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their bare hands at work!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Helen Keller serves it on a platter! A suffragette serving the game with style!
Victor Wembanyama crosses over into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
The players head in. Helen Keller slips on the wet tunnel floor. Locker room anecdote: Helen Keller talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Abraham Lincoln takes off and converts! A double-clutch layup off the pick and roll! Money!
A packed arena as Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, communicates the switch! A gym-rat work ethic and vocal leadership!
From their bare hands to a sky hook, Helen Keller's range is unmatched!
Jesus Christ puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a messiah wrapping up the job!
Michael Jordan and Jesus Christ swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
123-88 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, sets the tone immediately! Nerves of steel from the jump!
Helen Keller lets fly and fires a fadeaway jumper! This swiss-army-knife type lighting it up!
Abraham Lincoln with the wraparound pass! Smooth hands from all that farmer work!
A pull-up jumper from Victor Wembanyama! This solid pro reminding everyone why they're on top!
This generational talent Michael Jordan takes the charge from the left corner! Gutsy play!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Jesus Christ tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jesus Christ carves through and scores! That's what a messiah does best!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama and the team deliver a masterpiece! A bucket! Perfection!
Helen Keller keeps calling the Spalding their game! Old habits die hard!
Helen Keller, this combo guard, gets the crowd on their feet! A bench mob celebration! Electric!
Abraham Lincoln takes the applause! Deserved, for a farmer with the seed dibber!
Abraham Lincoln and Helen Keller pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Tonight I learned Abraham Lincoln used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
114-82 (W)
This living legend Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A step-back three! Early advantage!
Victor Wembanyama with silky smooth technique finds the angle for a scoop layup!
Helen Keller threads the needle! Beautiful assist from mid-range! Unreal court vision!
Victor Wembanyama buries a reverse layup from downtown! This up-and-coming baller is on fire tonight!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan with the volleyball spike a flawless defensive rotation! Emphatic!
Break. Abraham Lincoln collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama punishes the defense with a step-back three off the pick and roll!
Michael Jordan lets fly with confidence! The game is well in hand for this living legend!
Michael Jordan shoots a full-court shot and almost makes it! This guy with rings on every finger so close!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ waves goodbye to the opponent! A bench mob celebration! Savage!
That's the game! Victor Wembanyama finishes with a monster performance! This seasoned vet victorious!
Helen Keller runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Jesus Christ follows doing the wave alone. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
111-82 (W)
Helen Keller drives into position! This certified GOAT candidate not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ with the step-back pull-up jumper! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, hits the cutter perfectly! Silky smooth technique right on time!
Abraham Lincoln dishes past the defense for a floater! Size advantage from this this smooth operator!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ with the no-foul contest under the basket! Clean as a whistle!
Rest. Michael Jordan buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Michael Jordan logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
A pull-up jumper from Victor Wembanyama! This player on the come-up is putting on a show tonight!
Helen Keller, this all-time great, waves to the crowd early! The outcome settled!
Victor Wembanyama fades away and pulls up at half court! Time? There's a full quarter left!
Victor Wembanyama high-fives everyone on the bench! A primal scream! The energy is contagious!
Abraham Lincoln celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of the seed dibber!
Michael Jordan runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
115-102 (W)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Abraham Lincoln applies the same technique to the basketball as to the stubborn soil. A devastating dunk at half court!
Helen Keller, this smooth operator, contests everything along the baseline! Silky smooth technique on full display!
Helen Keller, this do-it-all player, with the pocket pass! Insane court vision in tight spaces!
Abraham Lincoln attacks with purpose every possession! This household name chess master!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michael Jordan, this global icon, threads the needle for a half-court heave at the top of the key!
Helen Keller fires away to an eruption! An electric crowd! What a moment!
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, repositions on defense! Freakish explosiveness collective effort!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, makes a statement! This basketball god is here to stay!
Helen Keller caps a perfect night! Clean as a suffragette on their best day!
Abraham Lincoln makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Helen Keller makes a bigger heart. Jesus Christ makes a massive heart. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-115 (L)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Helen Keller clanks another one off the rim! This household name needs to find rhythm!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, gets stripped along the baseline! Lack of consistency exposed!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Victor Wembanyama, this dude putting the league on notice, knifes through for a bank shot at the buzzer! Wow!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan high-fives his teammates on the way out. Juicy anecdote: Michael Jordan was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Michael Jordan gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Jesus Christ misfires from the low block! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Jesus Christ uses a pick-and-roll system to get open! Open space created with their bare hands smarts!
Jesus Christ is clearly fatigued! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of this plus the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Abraham Lincoln shakes hands through the pain! A farmer who respects the seed dibber and the game!
Michael Jordan has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Helen Keller has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
106-104 (W)
Michael Jordan, this titan, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
Abraham Lincoln with the denial defense! This absolute legend not giving an inch!
This legit talent Victor Wembanyama short-arms a scoop layup from mid-range! Not enough lift!
Helen Keller rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
Michael Jordan spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
That's a wrap for now. Victor Wembanyama dives into the tunnel. Small detail: Victor Wembanyama whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jesus Christ comes alive in crunch time! The messiah instinct kicks in!
Victor Wembanyama shuts the door under the basket! That's how you play defense!
This basketball god Michael Jordan silences the hostile crowd! A crowd fully behind them shifts!
Helen Keller with the steal and score on a strategic timeout! Suffragette instincts with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ is named player of the game! The messiah is also the star!
Abraham Lincoln and Victor Wembanyama swing Michael Jordan around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
120-93 (W)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama converts in the paint! A reverse layup right on cue!
This global icon Jesus Christ anchors the defense at the buzzer! Nothing gets through!
Abraham Lincoln delivers in transition! Fast delivery, like a farmer with the seed dibber!
Victor Wembanyama makes the hockey pass! Eyes in the back of the head finding the extra pass!
Break. Victor Wembanyama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Victor Wembanyama tried to impress the San Antonio Skyscrapers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Jesus Christ banks an off-balance shot off the glass! Geometry learned from the messiah life!
The jumbotron shows Abraham Lincoln's farmer highlight reel! What a career!
Abraham Lincoln barks out defensive calls! The voice of the seed dibber echoes across the court!
This household name Helen Keller digs deep! Finding reserves nobody knew existed!
Jesus Christ embraces teammates! The bond of competing the game together!
Helen Keller slides across the court in her socks while Victor Wembanyama splashes water on everyone. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
98-111 (L)
Abraham Lincoln fires up the crowd to open the game! This all-time great starting strong!
Victor Wembanyama fades away the rock into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Victor Wembanyama with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Abraham Lincoln watches them score! Just watching, like watching the seed dibber gather dust!
Jesus Christ goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Back to the locker room. Helen Keller's shorts are torn but she couldn't care less. The staff told me Helen Keller sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Helen Keller tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the suffragette will bounce back!
Helen Keller, this do-it-all player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this global icon!
Jesus Christ adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the messiah approach!
Jesus Christ leans on their knees! Gassed, but the messiah keeps going!
Abraham Lincoln refuses to make excuses! A farmer owns the stubborn soil failures too!
Helen Keller's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Victor Wembanyama breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. Yes, you heard that right. A messiah. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Jesus Christ had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
My Team finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
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