67 winner 67s — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | 67 winner 67s | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... 67 winner 67s! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Michael Jordan. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 198 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Kim Jong-un. A politician in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their campaign podium better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Kim Jong-un has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the public policy and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
99-120 (L)
Kim Jong-un huddles with the team! Huddling up, the politician strategizes!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan misses the mark! A layup goes begging from mid-range!
This bonafide star Allen Iverson gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
Kobe Bryant reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, takes over from the right corner. A double-clutch layup! That's elite!
Halftime whistle. Adolf Hitler flops into the first available chair. Quick anecdote about Adolf Hitler: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Allen Iverson, this multi-time All-Star, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
This guy everybody knows Allen Iverson attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
Allen Iverson, this established star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Michael Jordan chews his nails on the bench. Kim Jong-un stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-104 (L)
Adolf Hitler wins the opening tip! Tipping off with soldier energy!
Allen Iverson goes to work but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
Michael Jordan goes to work the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
Allen Iverson, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!
Allen Iverson, this max-contract guy, drops a thunderous slam at the top of the key! Pure artistry!
Intermission. Allen Iverson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Allen Iverson has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Michael Jordan can't mask the disappointment! This hall-of-fame lock wearing it on the sleeve!
Allen Iverson, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Heavy feet!
Kobe Bryant makes the hockey pass! Next-level basketball IQ finding the extra pass!
Kim Jong-un soldiers on! The soldier who shapes the public policy with their campaign podium!
Kim Jong-un, this undersized dog, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Allen Iverson walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Kim Jong-un speeds up. Wants it to be over. I got a text from Allen Iverson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
121-102 (W)
Allen Iverson opens with a tear drop! This certified bucket making an early statement!
Allen Iverson, this world-class player, unleashes a double-clutch layup from the right corner! Bang!
Kobe Bryant with the help-side crucial offensive board! This basketball god always in position!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, surveys and delivers! Insane court vision in the playmaking!
Kim Jong-un adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran politician!
Halftime! Allen Iverson is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Allen Iverson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A catch-and-shoot triple by Michael Jordan! The building is rocking! This potential GOAT takeover!
The road crowd tries to rally but Michael Jordan silences them! A roaring arena!
Adolf Hitler sets the perfect screen! Built like a soldier who doesn't skip leg day!
Kim Jong-un, this small but mighty player, embodies the spirit of competition! What a show!
This household name Michael Jordan raises the arms! The win is in the books! A victory dance!
Allen Iverson grabs Kobe Bryant and hoists him onto his shoulders. Kim Jong-un tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I learned tonight that Allen Iverson used to be a politician. That explains the unique running style. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-88 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this undisputed superstar, draws first blood! A tear drop to start!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, operates under the basket with an off-balance shot! Clinic!
Adolf Hitler with a flawless defensive rotation to save the possession! Their service rifle to the rescue!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, finds the rolling big man! A tear drop off the assist!
This living legend Kim Jong-un runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Halftime! Allen Iverson looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Allen Iverson got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Michael Jordan buries a half-court heave from the right corner! This certified GOAT candidate is on fire tonight!
A sold-out gym on fire, all because of a politician named Kim Jong-un with the public policy!
This established star Allen Iverson dives for the loose ball! Nerves of steel on every play!
Remember this moment! Michael Jordan is making history with a hook shot!
Adolf Hitler high-fives the crowd! Those soldier hands spreading joy!
Adolf Hitler and Michael Jordan play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Adolf Hitler loses. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
117-101 (W)
And we're underway! Adolf Hitler touches the damn ball first! This absolute legend looks eager!
Adolf Hitler treats the ball like the front line and sinks it. Easy as pie for a soldier!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Adolf Hitler drops it off underneath! Sneaky as a soldier slipping the front line into place!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Back to the locker room. Adolf Hitler's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. True story: Adolf Hitler walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Phoenix No-Defense. Awkward. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan capitalizes at the top of the key! A pull-up jumper with a killer instinct!
You can feel a Playoff atmosphere through the screen! Allen Iverson in the spotlight!
Kim Jong-un boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a politician with the public policy!
The arc of this game bends toward Adolf Hitler! This basketball god controlling destiny!
Michael Jordan can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Adolf Hitler pretends to faint from happiness. Kim Jong-un pretends to call 911. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-89 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Adolf Hitler hits a buzzer-beater! Night-in night-out consistency proving to be the difference tonight!
Michael Jordan with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Allen Iverson quarter-backs the possession! Assist for a euro-step! What a pass!
Adolf Hitler finds the angle! The angle soldier uses for the front line!
That's a wrap for now. Kim Jong-un dives into the tunnel. I've been told Kim Jong-un always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Allen Iverson, this versatile guy, showcases natural-born leadership with a gorgeous two-handed slam!
Deafening noise! Michael Jordan lets fly and the building shakes!
Allen Iverson brings energy off the bench! This established star infectious enthusiasm!
This will be talked about for years! Kim Jong-un with a buzzer-beater! Iconic!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Adolf Hitler and Michael Jordan fake a wrestling match. Kobe Bryant plays the referee and calls a timeout. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-116 (L)
Adolf Hitler bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Michael Jordan clanks another one off the rim! This first-ballot legend needs to find rhythm!
Kobe Bryant charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Allen Iverson turns the head and loses the man! This certified bucket napping defensively!
An and-one by Adolf Hitler! The crowd erupts! Freakish explosiveness personified!
The players disappear. Allen Iverson has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Allen Iverson threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Allen Iverson, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Adolf Hitler, this little firecracker, can't get a hook shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, sets a brick-wall screen! Nerves of steel on full display!
Kim Jong-un calls for the sub! Even a politician's stamina with their campaign podium has limits!
This All-Star caliber talent Allen Iverson stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this All-Star caliber talent wanted.
Michael Jordan's eyes are red, jaw tight. Kobe Bryant apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Tonight I had a revelation: Kobe Bryant runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-111 (L)
Kim Jong-un steps onto the court! From shaping the public policy to this, game time!
Kobe Bryant with the tough layup through contact! This hall-of-fame lock won't be denied!
This global icon Kobe Bryant gives up the offensive rebound! Heavy feet when boxing out!
Michael Jordan forces a bad pull-up jumper! This undisputed superstar needs to trust teammates!
Adolf Hitler with the momentum-shifting floater! This absolute legend turning the tide!
Break! Allen Iverson has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it Allen Iverson talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, chokes on the big stage! Coming out of the locker room miss!
Allen Iverson, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Kobe Bryant leaves it all on the floor! This all-time great with a killer instinct effort!
Kobe Bryant turns it over in the money time! This absolute legend crumbles under pressure!
Adolf Hitler sits alone on the bench. This undisputed superstar processing the defeat.
Kobe Bryant has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Michael Jordan has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-125 (L)
Allen Iverson posts up into position! This elite player not wasting any time!
Michael Jordan steps back but the shot rims out! Defense that's basically a suggestion rears its ugly head!
Kim Jong-un, this miniature missile, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Kim Jong-un loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Kim Jong-un answers back with a step-back three! Unreal swagger under pressure!
The players file out. Allen Iverson exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Allen Iverson knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Houston Blast-Off's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
Adolf Hitler adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the soldier approach!
Kim Jong-un tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a politician's energy for the public policy!
Despite the loss, Kim Jong-un held their own with the public policy! The politician fought!
Kim Jong-un looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Allen Iverson looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-128 (L)
The arena welcomes Kim Jong-un! The politician with the public policy has arrived!
A finger roll attempt by Michael Jordan falls short! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Kobe Bryant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Allen Iverson storms to the bench! This guy everybody knows is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle! Adolf Hitler slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Adolf Hitler keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Allen Iverson, this versatile guy, gets stuffed trying a bank shot! Denied!
Adolf Hitler leans on their knees! Gassed, but the soldier keeps going!
Allen Iverson, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the Spalding!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
Kim Jong-un had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Kobe Bryant lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Allen Iverson decides not to comment. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-126 (L)
The game begins and Allen Iverson is ready! You can see ridiculous creativity written all over his face!
Michael Jordan fires a floater off the pick and roll but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
Kobe Bryant with a wild pass that sails out! This generational talent giving it away!
Michael Jordan, this tower, gets blown by on the perimeter! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
Kim Jong-un, this all-time great, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
Break! Kobe Bryant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Kim Jong-un bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Wilson like it's a Monday morning!
Kobe Bryant dunks but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
This household name Michael Jordan dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Kim Jong-un kicks the air! The frustration of a politician who knows they can do better!
This guy with rings on every finger Adolf Hitler tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kobe Bryant taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Adolf Hitler walks through the door without pushing it. I learned backstage that Adolf Hitler also does politician on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
102-123 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Allen Iverson explodes the pill into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
This household name Michael Jordan picks up the cheap foul! Lack of consistency showing!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan with a cold-blooded catch-and-shoot triple! No conscience!
Rest time. Michael Jordan isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. I've been told Michael Jordan always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!
Michael Jordan misfires from mid-range! Even this franchise cornerstone has off nights!
Allen Iverson reads the defense perfectly! Natural-born leadership and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Michael Jordan misses from fatigue! This household name can't get the elevation in the paint!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, hangs the head. Tough loss despite eyes in the back of the head effort.
Kim Jong-un pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Allen Iverson takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-114 (L)
Tip-off! Allen Iverson gets us started! Let's go!
Adolf Hitler can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the front line, a soldier always hits!
Kobe Bryant, this colossus, fumbles the entry pass in the paint!
Kim Jong-un gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
A reverse layup from Kim Jong-un! That's nerves of steel at the highest level!
The locker room. Adolf Hitler sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Adolf Hitler fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Adolf Hitler glares at the scoreboard! This household name not happy with the situation!
Kim Jong-un clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their campaign podium hitting the public policy!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Kim Jong-un is spent! Used up like the public policy after a politician's long day!
Kim Jong-un leaves the venue with dignity! The dignity of a politician with their campaign podium!
Kobe Bryant presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Kim Jong-un walks right past without noticing. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
108-111 (L)
Kim Jong-un, this lightning-quick little man, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Adolf Hitler takes off to the rack for a two-handed slam! Can't contain this compact dynamo!
Adolf Hitler can't stay in front! Defending the front line doesn't build lateral quickness!
Allen Iverson forces an off-balance shot from the right corner! This headliner trying too hard!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant ties the game! What a comeback! Iron discipline at its peak!
Heading in. Adolf Hitler's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Adolf Hitler collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, gets blocked in the clutch! A clutch steal denies this franchise cornerstone!
Kim Jong-un stares in disbelief! The look of a politician who just lost everything!
From politician life to dominating the court, Kim Jong-un's journey is remarkable!
Kobe Bryant forces the hero ball and misses! This first-ballot legend with heavy feet!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Jordan sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Adolf Hitler puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-107 (L)
This elite player Allen Iverson opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Allen Iverson spins the pill but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Allen Iverson coughs up the pill! Sometimes predictable game strikes again facing the rim!
Allen Iverson scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Sometimes predictable game!
Kobe Bryant, this colossus, rises above and hammers a half-court heave!
Break. Kobe Bryant's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Exclusive: Kobe Bryant was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Michael Jordan mutters to himself walking back! This household name fighting inner demons!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates on the low block!
Adolf Hitler goes small-ball! Adapting like a soldier who reads the room!
Kim Jong-un, this franchise cornerstone, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Kim Jong-un hangs their head! A politician who gave everything they had!
Michael Jordan kicks his towel across the floor. Kobe Bryant has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
67 winner 67s finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... 67 winner 67s!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Michael Jordan. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 198 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Kim Jong-un. A politician in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their campaign podium better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Kim Jong-un has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the public policy and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
67 winner 67s finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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