Chimps — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Chimps | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Chimps! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Derrick Rose. The man. The beast. Standing at 191 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Sean Combs, his brother-in-law and a philanthropist by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Sean Combs can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-121 (L)
Jeffery N. Epstein announces themselves! The researcher has arrived and the building knows it!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a layup! Denied!
Derrick Rose pulls up into a dead end at the top of the key! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Derrick Rose scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
This well-respected player Young Thug fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Halftime whistle. Young Thug spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Young Thug refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This absolute legend Stephen Hawking rattles it out! So close yet so far in transition!
Derrick Rose bends over during the dead ball! This elite player gathering what's left!
Sean Combs throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philanthropist got too confident!
Sean Combs, this established star, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Sean Combs fades away past the media. This established star not in the mood to talk.
Stephen Hawking leaves the court at a jog. Young Thug stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Evening confession: I'm wearing Stephen Hawking's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-96 (W)
Sean Combs, this established star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Stephen Hawking scoops it up and in! The touch of a university professor with the young scholars!
Young Thug plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this hooper's hooper!
Young Thug, this solid build, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
Sean Combs slows the pace when the team needs it! This multi-time All-Star tempo control!
Halftime! Jeffery N. Epstein walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Jeffery N. Epstein once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Sean Combs with a tear drop! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the venue!
Opposing fans respect Jeffery N. Epstein! Even rivals admire a researcher's hustle!
Sean Combs cheers the loudest! Happy as a philanthropist clocking out on a Friday!
Jeffery N. Epstein's teammates feed off the researcher energy! That confidence is contagious!
Sean Combs wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the Spalding!
Young Thug slides across the court in his socks while Jeffery N. Epstein splashes water on everyone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-90 (W)
Young Thug takes the court to immense pressure! The rapper with their hot mic is here!
Sean Combs nails a finger roll from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
Sean Combs denies the entry pass! No the game gets past this philanthropist!
Young Thug launches the orange through traffic! What a pass by this player making noise!
This max-contract guy Sean Combs calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Rest time. Stephen Hawking isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. I've been told Stephen Hawking once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Break's over, the players take their positions.
An off-balance shot by Derrick Rose! The building is rocking! This multi-time All-Star takeover!
Jeffery N. Epstein spins and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Sean Combs communicates on the switch! Clear as a philanthropist's directions!
Derrick Rose, this established star, answers every challenge! A gym-rat work ethic never fading!
Jeffery N. Epstein daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Stephen Hawking takes a bow for the crowd. Young Thug bows to Stephen Hawking. The nobility of basketball. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-97 (W)
Tip-off! Derrick Rose gets us started! Let's go!
Derrick Rose, this tweener, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
Sean Combs goes 0 for the quarter! A philanthropist having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Jeffery N. Epstein drops a tear drop! The accuracy of a researcher on full display!
This jersey-selling name Derrick Rose attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Rest time. Young Thug isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Young Thug once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Jeffery N. Epstein hits the big shot! Precision worthy of their lab notebook when it matters most!
This hall-of-fame lock Stephen Hawking comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
A roaring arena as Stephen Hawking warms up with some university professor moves!
Derrick Rose with the pressure-proof layup facing the rim! In the dying seconds!
Derrick Rose grabs the game ball! This world-class player earned it tonight!
Derrick Rose and Young Thug attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Stephen Hawking films the whole thing. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-109 (L)
Young Thug checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Sean Combs misfires! The philanthropist's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
This franchise guy Derrick Rose with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Sean Combs, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Stephen Hawking adds to the total! A university professor who always exceeds expectations!
First half is done. Jeffery N. Epstein is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Jeffery N. Epstein entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Young Thug glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this rapper!
Stephen Hawking rattles it out! Shaking the temple of basketball with their lecture notes intensity!
Jeffery N. Epstein reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this researcher!
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Derrick Rose walks off in silence. This jersey-selling name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Young Thug taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Derrick Rose walks through the door without pushing it. I learned that Young Thug's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-113 (L)
The game begins and Derrick Rose is ready! You can see pure God-given talent written all over his face!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this guy nobody was talking about, fumbles the finish back to the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Derrick Rose with the backcourt violation! This established star under too much pressure!
Jeffery N. Epstein left in the dust! Even a researcher moves faster than that!
Sean Combs muscles through for a half-court heave! The strength of a philanthropist moving the game!
Break! Young Thug has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Physio's confession: Young Thug purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Young Thug attacks the towel! This dude putting the league on notice showing hot head!
Stephen Hawking misfires again! Having the young scholars-shaped night!
Derrick Rose, this elite player, orchestrates the delay game! Silky smooth technique in action!
Stephen Hawking is gassed! More tired than after a full day of challenging the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!
Stephen Hawking takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Sean Combs follows the same path. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
98-110 (L)
Stephen Hawking gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
This name that's buzzing Young Thug with a rare miss back to the basket! Even the best stumble!
Jeffery N. Epstein with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost researcher!
Young Thug loses the screen battle! Lack of consistency around the picks!
Derrick Rose scores at will! A pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! This world-class player domination!
Heading in. Stephen Hawking's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little secret: Stephen Hawking listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jeffery N. Epstein stares in disbelief! The look of a researcher who just lost everything!
Jeffery N. Epstein goes to work the pill right into the defender's hands! Tendency to force bad shots!
Jeffery N. Epstein sets the screen with precision worthy of their lab notebook! Tactical genius!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this rising star, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Jeffery N. Epstein walks off in defeat! Even a researcher's skills couldn't save tonight!
Young Thug and Jeffery N. Epstein walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I learned that Young Thug's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
95-120 (L)
This elite player Derrick Rose comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
Sean Combs steps back the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This diamond in the rough Jeffery N. Epstein gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
Jeffery N. Epstein gets screened out of the play! This who-is-this-guy player lost in traffic!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Stephen Hawking! The crowd erupts! Nerves of steel personified!
Back in the locker room, Derrick Rose sits down and stares at the ceiling. Word is Derrick Rose sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Stephen Hawking gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Stephen Hawking misses in the dying seconds! A university professor dropping the young scholars at the worst time!
This world-class player Derrick Rose adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Derrick Rose is running on pure willpower! This reliable star refusing to quit!
This headliner Derrick Rose shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
Stephen Hawking whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Sean Combs nods without conviction. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
112-103 (W)
This guy everybody knows Derrick Rose opens the scoring! A bucket! Early advantage!
Stephen Hawking converts in the paint! A devastating dunk with trademark insane court vision!
Jeffery N. Epstein forces the shot-clock violation! Iron discipline on full display!
Stephen Hawking, this first-ballot legend, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a two-handed slam!
Derrick Rose, this bonafide star, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Both teams head in. Sean Combs has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Sean Combs listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Sean Combs goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Stephen Hawking, this global icon, plays to the crowd! An incredible energy is contagious!
Sean Combs does the dirty work! Hands dirty like a philanthropist at the end of the day!
This player making noise Young Thug silences the noise! Silky smooth technique locked in! Nothing else matters!
Derrick Rose, this world-class player, with the post-game interview smile! Silky smooth technique all night!
Sean Combs and Jeffery N. Epstein do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
99-98 (W)
Derrick Rose looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Young Thug closes out perfectly! Precise as spitting the fiery bars!
Stephen Hawking misfires facing the rim! Even this all-time great has off nights!
Jeffery N. Epstein sinks it in the paint. A researcher never misses the unknown variable, and never misses the hoop!
Jeffery N. Epstein exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their lab notebook acumen!
Halftime whistle. Young Thug has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it Young Thug talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Young Thug delivers in the clutch! A layup from the left corner! This up-and-coming baller is ice cold!
Stephen Hawking swats it away! A surgical steal with that university professor strength!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Stephen Hawking gets hot!
Jeffery N. Epstein closes it out! Locked it down like a researcher finishing the shift!
Sean Combs ends on a high note! A philanthropist who finishes strong every time!
Sean Combs does a cartwheel at center court. Derrick Rose tries one too and eats it. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-126 (L)
Jeffery N. Epstein crosses over with energy from the opening whistle! This guy nobody was talking about locked in!
Sean Combs misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
Jeffery N. Epstein steps back the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player nobody saw coming!
Sean Combs gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Sean Combs attacks away from the huddle! This established star in a dark place mentally!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: Stephen Hawking tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
A two-handed slam from Sean Combs catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this all-around player, laboring up and down! Injury-prone body draining the energy!
Jeffery N. Epstein loses the basketball! A researcher would never be this careless!
Sean Combs pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This certified bucket losing composure!
Stephen Hawking leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a university professor with their lecture notes!
Derrick Rose unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Young Thug runs a hand down his face. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-100 (W)
And we're underway! Derrick Rose touches the Spalding first! This certified bucket looks eager!
Jeffery N. Epstein lets fly and scores! Those researcher hands work wonders with the orange!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, alters the shot! Silky smooth technique at the rim!
Jeffery N. Epstein serves it on a platter! A researcher serving the unknown variable with style!
Young Thug, this all-around player, exploits the mismatch from downtown! Smart play!
That's a cut. Stephen Hawking stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
A fadeaway jumper from Derrick Rose! That's silky smooth technique at the highest level!
The energy in this building is unreal! Derrick Rose channeling palpable tension!
Derrick Rose posts up the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
This guy with a proven track record Young Thug flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
This global icon Stephen Hawking seals the deal! Victory with insane court vision!
Jeffery N. Epstein drops to his knees and kisses the court. Young Thug pretends to gag. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-119 (L)
Game time! Derrick Rose and this max-contract guy ready to put on a show at the floor!
This big-name player Derrick Rose misses the mark! A two-handed slam goes begging from way beyond the arc!
Derrick Rose passes to nobody! This headliner with a head-scratching decision!
Young Thug overcommits! Going all-in like a rapper on the fiery bars, but wrong!
Stephen Hawking pops the jumper! Clean as their lecture notes after a polish!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jeffery N. Epstein glares at the scoreboard! This raw talent not happy with the situation!
Stephen Hawking, this hall-of-fame lock, pulls the trigger from downtown but no luck!
Stephen Hawking calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's university professor mentality!
Derrick Rose, this world-class player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This headliner Sean Combs tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Young Thug avoids the cameras like the plague. Jeffery N. Epstein gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-119 (L)
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Jeffery N. Epstein clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lab notebook hitting the unknown variable!
Stephen Hawking charges right into the defender! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game when controlling pace!
Derrick Rose gambles for the steal and pays the price! Limited stamina!
Jeffery N. Epstein scores from along the baseline! A free throw with insane court vision! Brilliant!
End of the second quarter. Stephen Hawking is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know Stephen Hawking plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Derrick Rose, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Air ball from Jeffery N. Epstein! Being a researcher doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Derrick Rose, this all-around player, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Young Thug calls for the sub! Even a rapper's stamina with their hot mic has limits!
Young Thug, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Derrick Rose pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Young Thug takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-114 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes Sean Combs! The philanthropist with the game has arrived!
Jeffery N. Epstein can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this potential breakout star!
Sean Combs, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Young Thug beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
Halftime! Young Thug has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: Young Thug believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Young Thug, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert at the top of the key!
Stephen Hawking barely gets back on defense! Moving like a university professor on a Friday afternoon!
Intercepted! Sean Combs's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Jeffery N. Epstein sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a researcher after a long shift!
Sean Combs hangs their head! A philanthropist who gave everything they had!
Sean Combs pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Jeffery N. Epstein takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Chimps finishes #12 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Derrick Rose.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Chimps!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Derrick Rose. The man. The beast. Standing at 191 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Sean Combs, his brother-in-law and a philanthropist by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Sean Combs can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Chimps finishes #12 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Derrick Rose.
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