The dunkers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | The dunkers | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... The dunkers! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Joe Biden is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 183 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jan Peters. The man. Is. A miner. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A miner. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their pickaxe and apparently, the technical motion of a miner and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
This newcomer dylano comes out firing! A buzzer beater in the first minute!
David , this raw talent, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Chesley Sullenberger dribbles it off their foot! Their command saber would never betray an officer like that!
David , this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Joe Biden mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Back to the locker room. Dylano punches his locker. Little secret: dylano has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Joe Biden off the back iron! Hard miss, even a university professor cringes at that!
Dylano , this potential breakout star, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Jan Peters coughs up the pill! Tendency to rush strikes again at the buzzer!
Dylano storms to the bench! This hidden prospect is visibly upset!
David , this tweener, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Chesley Sullenberger lets out a big exhale walking through the door. David holds his in. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-125 (L)
Joe Biden steps onto the arena! From challenging the young scholars to this, game time!
Joe Biden sends it wide! Their lecture notes wouldn't forgive that either!
Jan Peters forces the pass! Forcing their pickaxe where it doesn't fit!
Dylano turns the head and loses the man! This hidden prospect napping defensively!
Jan Peters stares in disbelief! The look of a miner who just lost everything!
Into the tunnel. David grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know David knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Miami Heart-Attack's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
David blows past but overcooks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing up again!
Jan Peters, this who-is-this-guy player, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
This newcomer David gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
This absolute legend Joe Biden fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Jan Peters walks off in silence. This dude out of nowhere gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Dylano taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Chesley Sullenberger walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
80-124 (L)
Joe Biden dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Jan Peters clanks another one off the rim! This surprise package needs to find rhythm!
Joe Biden loses the ball! A university professor would never be this careless!
This dude out of nowhere David bites on the fake! Beaten from the right corner!
Chesley Sullenberger storms to the bench! Heated! This officer doesn't handle losing well!
Players head to the locker room. Chesley Sullenberger has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Chesley Sullenberger slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
David , this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Occasional mental lapses!
Chesley Sullenberger takes the rest play! Even an officer needs a breather!
Dylano lets fly the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hidden prospect!
Chesley Sullenberger pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The officer in them is showing!
Joe Biden shakes hands through the pain! A university professor who respects their lecture notes and the game!
Dylano refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Chesley Sullenberger watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-126 (L)
Jan Peters gets the starting nod! A miner starting with their pickaxe confidence!
David drives but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Dylano , this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Joe Biden overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
David gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jan Peters walks head down toward the tunnel. Juicy anecdote: Jan Peters was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Chesley Sullenberger can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the field platoon, an officer always hits!
Dylano , this guy nobody was talking about, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Joe Biden looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
Jan Peters looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a miner!
Jan Peters replays the score in his head on a loop. Chesley Sullenberger tries to think about something else. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Chesley Sullenberger. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-123 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player dylano catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This diamond in the rough dylano with a rare miss at half court! Even the best stumble!
David , this solid build, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Joe Biden can't stay in front! Challenging the young scholars doesn't build lateral quickness!
This total unknown David can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
End of the second quarter. Chesley Sullenberger is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Chesley Sullenberger lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Brick! David misfires driving to the hoop! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Joe Biden mops their face! Sweating more than when challenging the young scholars!
This dark horse David with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This guy nobody was talking about David stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Dylano , this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Joe Biden has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. David has aged ten years in forty minutes. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-124 (L)
Joe Biden begins their shift on the gymnasium! A university professor starting the their lecture notes shift!
Jan Peters shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A miner lost in the noise!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Jan Peters gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the deep mine behind their pickaxe!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
That's a cut. David stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little scoop: David tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Joe Biden, this absolute legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
Chesley Sullenberger is gassed! This dude putting the league on notice bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
This player on the come-up Chesley Sullenberger commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
This surprise package David shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Joe Biden tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Chesley Sullenberger takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Joe Biden follows the same path. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-133 (L)
This well-respected player Chesley Sullenberger gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This hidden prospect dylano shanks a finger roll under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Jan Peters with the careless pass! Digging the deep mine with more care, please!
Chesley Sullenberger gets blown by! Even an officer couldn't stop that!
David , this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
End of the first act. Joe Biden is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know Joe Biden entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Jan Peters forces a buzzer beater driving to the hoop! This rising star trying too hard!
Chesley Sullenberger is visibly tired! This player making noise needs a timeout badly!
Dylano penetrates into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Chesley Sullenberger, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
This dude out of nowhere Jan Peters tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Joe Biden walks head down toward the tunnel. David drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-133 (L)
Opening possession for Chesley Sullenberger! First touch, like first touch of their command saber!
Chesley Sullenberger dribbles and fires but misses everything! Limited stamina tonight!
Sloppy handling by Jan Peters! Digging the deep mine is done with more finesse!
David gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
Joe Biden, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Break. Jan Peters collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: Jan Peters has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Joe Biden, this solid build, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
David , this potential breakout star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
David , this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the Spalding!
Chesley Sullenberger, this well-respected player, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Jan Peters tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we digs better, like the deep mine!'
David watches the crowd file out in silence. Jan Peters prefers not to look. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-118 (L)
Chesley Sullenberger, this solid build, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Jan Peters misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Chesley Sullenberger double-dribbles! Leading the field platoon doesn't have that rule!
David scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!
Dylano drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Halftime. Jan Peters glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Bus driver's confession: Jan Peters raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jan Peters forces up a reverse layup over the defense! Tendency to force bad shots! Bad decision!
Joe Biden drags their feet! Heavy as their lecture notes at the end of a shift!
Dylano spins into a trap! Ego the size of Texas when reading the defense!
Chesley Sullenberger waves off the play! The authority of an officer in that gesture!
Chesley Sullenberger sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an officer after their command saber broke!
Dylano taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Chesley Sullenberger walks through the door without pushing it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-133 (L)
The game begins and Chesley Sullenberger is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
David , this tweener, can't get a thunderous slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Dylano with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Chesley Sullenberger glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this officer!
Halftime. Dylano is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: dylano is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
David , this combo guard, gets the look from way beyond the arc but the lid's on the rim!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Joe Biden throws it into the stands! What was that from this all-time great!
Jan Peters is visibly upset! Upset as a miner when the deep mine goes sideways!
This total unknown David stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this total unknown wanted.
Dylano slams his fist on the bench. Joe Biden places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-127 (L)
Tip-off! Dylano gets us started! Let's go!
Chesley Sullenberger with the contested scoop layup in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Joe Biden turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this university professor!
David , this solid build, lets the shooter get free from way beyond the arc! Costly lapse!
David , this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Into the tunnel. David grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Confession: David tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Chesley Sullenberger bricks it! Not the same accuracy as leading the field platoon!
Joe Biden is clearly fatigued! The 48 regulation minutes of this plus the 48 regulation minutes of challenging the young scholars!
Joe Biden gets picked! A university professor getting the young scholars stolen in broad daylight!
Chesley Sullenberger fades away the towel! This solid pro showing heavy feet!
Chesley Sullenberger, this guy with a proven track record, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
David walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Jan Peters drags one foot after the other. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-133 (L)
David looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert from the left corner!
David throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure in the paint!
Joe Biden left in the dust! Even a university professor moves faster than that!
Chesley Sullenberger drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an officer's spirit has limits!
Break! Joe Biden rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Small detail: Joe Biden whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Joe Biden fires a devastating dunk from the left corner but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
This guy nobody was talking about David stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Joe Biden trips up in half court! A university professor never trips at work... Right?
Joe Biden explodes and kicks the stanchion! This certified GOAT candidate losing composure!
Chesley Sullenberger, this established player, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Chesley Sullenberger takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jan Peters doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-134 (L)
Chesley Sullenberger, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
This surprise package dylano short-arms a buzzer-beater on the low block! Not enough lift!
Joe Biden loses possession! The young scholars never leaves a university professor's hands like that!
This surprise package dylano misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Joe Biden walks away muttering! Muttering about the young scholars under their breath!
Halftime. Dylano 's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know dylano entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Dylano with the off-balance floater! This raw talent couldn't set the feet!
Dylano steps back a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Dylano tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Dylano , this surprise package, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
David reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Chesley Sullenberger rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Joe Biden picks up his own and folds it carefully. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-127 (L)
Chesley Sullenberger, this seasoned vet, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
David posts up the Spalding awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this raw talent!
Jan Peters commits the live-ball turnover! Their pickaxe would be ashamed!
Dylano , this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily from the left corner! Sometimes predictable game!
Chesley Sullenberger slams the basketball in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Time to breathe. Jan Peters has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Confession: Jan Peters tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Air ball from Jan Peters! Being a miner doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Chesley Sullenberger jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for leading the field platoon tomorrow!
Dylano passes to nobody! This diamond in the rough with a head-scratching decision!
Chesley Sullenberger sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an officer after a long shift!
Jan Peters fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the miner gave everything!
Joe Biden walks head down toward the tunnel. Dylano drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-119 (L)
Chesley Sullenberger bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Dylano with a wild attempt! This total unknown not finding the range tonight!
This hungry young player David loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
Joe Biden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!
This total unknown Jan Peters gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime. The doctor examines Chesley Sullenberger's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Chesley Sullenberger tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
A two-handed slam by David along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this who-is-this-guy player!
David dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
David with the backcourt violation! This dark horse under too much pressure!
This basketball god Joe Biden hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Despite the loss, Joe Biden held their own with the young scholars! The university professor fought!
Dylano 's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Chesley Sullenberger breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
The dunkers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joe Biden.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... The dunkers!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Joe Biden is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 183 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jan Peters. The man. Is. A miner. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A miner. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their pickaxe and apparently, the technical motion of a miner and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
The dunkers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joe Biden.
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