idk — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Miami Heart-Attack | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | idk | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Idk! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Superman. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Hulk. A scientist in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their lab notebook better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Hulk has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the hidden truth and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-120 (L)
The gym welcomes Hulk! The scientist with the hidden truth has arrived!
King Kong spins the pill into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Iron Man throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Iron Man fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a superhero chasing the game!
This max-contract guy King Kong throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Break time. Barry Allen bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room anecdote: Barry Allen talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Superman takes off but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
This all-time great Superman signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
King Kong throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure at the top of the key!
This world-class player King Kong shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Superman walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hulk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Iron Man runs a hand down his face. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-116 (L)
Opening possession for Hulk! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
Superman, this hall-of-fame lock, comes up empty! A free throw off target in transition!
Barry Allen throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Barry Allen left in the dust! Even a superhero moves faster than that!
Barry Allen blows past past the defense for a half-court heave! Size advantage from this this solid build!
Both teams head to the locker room. Barry Allen wipes his forehead with his jersey. Locker room anecdote: Barry Allen talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Barry Allen kicks the air! The frustration of a superhero who knows they can do better!
Hulk misses the open look! A scientist never misses the hidden truth... But misses the Spalding!
Barry Allen shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a superhero at work!
Superman drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Superman vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Hulk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Iron Man picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-90 (W)
This global icon Superman comes out aggressive! Opens with a scoop layup from the right corner!
King Kong scores with night-in night-out consistency. A hook shot under the basket! Too smooth!
Hulk picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
This franchise guy King Kong creates for others! Unselfish play with insane court vision!
This jersey-selling name King Kong recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
The players file out. Barry Allen exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Barry Allen slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Barry Allen knocks down a hook shot under the basket! Ice in the veins!
The arena buzzes for Superman! A superhero who electrifies wherever they go!
Hulk motivates from the floor! Motivation of a scientist who refuses to lose!
King Kong, this All-Star caliber talent, delivers a career-defining moment! Wisdom and poise!
Barry Allen daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Superman slides across the court in his socks while King Kong splashes water on everyone. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-104 (W)
And we're underway! Hulk touches the basketball first! This generational talent looks eager!
This top-tier talent King Kong with the volleyball spike a defensive rebound! Emphatic!
Superman forces a sky hook from the left corner! This absolute legend trying too hard!
Superman scoops it up and in! The touch of a superhero with the game!
Iron Man triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with superhero urgency!
Halftime whistle! King Kong slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: King Kong tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
King Kong, this max-contract guy, keeps composure and delivers a scoop layup! Eyes in the back of the head!
Superman a left-handed block with authority! This tweener protecting the paint!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Hulk gets hot!
Iron Man with the game-winner! The winning touch of their bare hands on the game!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
King Kong and Superman act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-115 (L)
Superman rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This once-in-a-lifetime player locked in!
King Kong fires an and-one on the low block but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Iron Man with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Superman gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a superhero's worst day on the job!
Superman steps back through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Break. King Kong's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little secret: King Kong listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This jersey-selling name King Kong slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
King Kong, this multi-time All-Star, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
King Kong pulls up to the right spot! That dawg mentality off-ball movement!
This established star King Kong calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Hot head taking its toll!
King Kong fades away past the media. This guy everybody knows not in the mood to talk.
Hulk isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Barry Allen tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-106 (L)
Iron Man announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
King Kong with a rough reverse layup in the paint! Hot head at the worst time!
This big-name player King Kong commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the buzzer!
Hulk overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
Hulk lets fly the rock with ridiculous creativity. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Halftime. Barry Allen is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Barry Allen has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Iron Man vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
Hulk goes 0 for the quarter! A scientist having a rough shift with their lab notebook!
This generational talent Superman runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Barry Allen is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Superman walks off in silence. This generational talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Superman sits on the floor in the hallway. Hulk sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Behind the scenes, I learned Hulk was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-114 (L)
King Kong takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
King Kong lets fly but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Iron Man turns it over in the money time! A superhero dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Superman loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
King Kong, this all-around player, elevates for a monster tear drop!
Break! King Kong heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: King Kong tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Superman pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
Hulk can't find the range! Their lab notebook has better accuracy than that!
This guy with a proven track record Barry Allen calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Barry Allen digs deep! Deep as a superhero digs into the game!
This hooper's hooper Barry Allen shakes hands and moves on. In the end, sometimes predictable game proved costly.
Hulk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Iron Man looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-127 (L)
This established star King Kong means business! Fast start under the basket!
This top-tier talent King Kong short-arms a pull-up jumper driving to the hoop! Not enough lift!
King Kong charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
This absolute legend Iron Man gives up the offensive rebound! Injury-prone body when boxing out!
Superman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Halftime. Superman is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know? Superman has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Barry Allen rushes a buzzer beater along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Iron Man gulps water! As thirsty as a superhero reaching for the game!
King Kong, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Barry Allen takes off the towel! This dude putting the league on notice showing tendency to rush!
King Kong steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This jersey-selling name will learn from this.
Iron Man walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Barry Allen speeds up. Wants it to be over. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
100-119 (L)
Superman huddles with the team! Huddling up, the superhero strategizes!
Barry Allen misfires from the left corner! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
King Kong, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, overpowers for a buzzer beater! Size matters!
Finally a breather. Iron Man has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Confession: Iron Man tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Barry Allen, this solid build, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Iron Man dribbles but overcooks it! Tendency to force bad shots showing up again!
Superman uses a quick ball-movement offense brilliantly! Strategy from competing the game!
This well-respected player Barry Allen can barely jump! The springs are gone in the paint!
Iron Man shakes hands through the pain! A superhero who respects their bare hands and the game!
King Kong snaps at the bench on his way out. Iron Man says nothing, but his look says everything. I learned that King Kong's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-133 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
Iron Man explodes the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This All-Star caliber talent King Kong commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
King Kong lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this All-Star caliber talent fooled!
Superman gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime. Barry Allen glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? Barry Allen tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Hulk misses the bunny! A scientist dropping the hidden truth from point-blank!
King Kong is gassed! This reliable star bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Iron Man forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Superman leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
King Kong sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Hulk winces. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-106 (L)
Superman sets the tone early! The superhero came to play tonight!
This absolute legend Hulk rattles it out! So close yet so far from the left corner!
King Kong, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
Hulk, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman goes to work facing the rim! A half-court heave drops beautifully!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. Intel: Hulk refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
King Kong can't mask the disappointment! This elite player wearing it on the sleeve!
Superman misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Barry Allen sets the screen with precision worthy of their bare hands! Tactical genius!
Superman plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Hulk sits alone on the bench. This absolute legend processing the defeat.
Iron Man taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Hulk walks through the door without pushing it. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
112-113 (L)
King Kong opens with a fadeaway jumper! This bonafide star making an early statement!
Barry Allen hits nothing but net! Pure as a superhero's work with their bare hands!
Iron Man can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
This elite player King Kong misses the mark! A euro-step goes begging from way beyond the arc!
Hulk leads the charge back! Charging forward with scientist tenacity!
Break. King Kong collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: King Kong fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
King Kong throws it away with the game on the line! Sometimes predictable game!
King Kong mutters to himself walking back! This reliable star fighting inner demons!
Iron Man carries the weight of their bare hands and the orange with equal grace!
King Kong misses in the clutch! A finger roll off the mark in the final quarter!
Superman looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a superhero!
Hulk's eyes are red, jaw tight. Superman apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-104 (L)
Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!
Barry Allen can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
Hulk with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost scientist!
Superman gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Superman banks it in facing the rim! A superhero's steady hand at work!
The locker room. Barry Allen sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little secret: Barry Allen has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Hulk glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this scientist!
King Kong with the contested free throw at the top of the key! No good! Bad selection!
Superman positions perfectly in the left wing! Placement of their bare hands on the game!
This all-time great Iron Man can't close out! The legs are shot from way beyond the arc!
King Kong had the chances but couldn't convert. This big-name player left wanting.
Superman walks toward the tunnel without a word. Barry Allen stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I had a revelation: Barry Allen runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-112 (L)
Barry Allen starts in the center! Playing the center way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
Superman loses the Spalding! A superhero would never be this careless!
Iron Man bites on the pump fake! This absolute legend sent flying at the buzzer!
Iron Man converts with authority! Same energy they bring to competing the game!
Intermission. King Kong dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Word is King Kong sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Barry Allen picks up the second technical! This legit talent ejected! Injury-prone body!
A floater by Barry Allen in transition is way off! Tough night for this player on the come-up!
Hulk directs traffic on the den! Traffic control by a scientist with the hidden truth!
Hulk slows down visibly! Slower than their lab notebook on low power!
Hulk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a scientist after their lab notebook broke!
Superman's face is locked shut, zero emotion. King Kong hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-122 (L)
The game begins and Superman is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Superman fires and misses off the pick and roll. Should have stuck with the game!
Superman, this combo guard, gets stripped in the paint! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Barry Allen bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!
Superman finishes with style! Years of competing the game built those hands!
Halftime. Barry Allen throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote of the day: Barry Allen forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This guy with rings on every finger Superman can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Barry Allen, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild deep three!
Hulk, this franchise cornerstone, manages the clock beautifully in the final quarter!
Superman needs oxygen! More winded than a superhero after overtime!
Barry Allen reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Iron Man replays the score in his head on a loop. Superman tries to think about something else. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
idk finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Idk!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Superman. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Hulk. A scientist in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their lab notebook better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Hulk has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the hidden truth and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
idk finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
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