Best starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | Best starting five | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Best starting five! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Iron Man. Standing at 6 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Thanos. An emperor in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their imperial scepter better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Thanos has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the vast empire and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
This rising star Galactus comes out aggressive! Opens with a catch-and-shoot triple in transition!
This who-is-this-guy player Thanos misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
This hidden prospect Galactus with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Galactus, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily from the left corner! Injury-prone body!
Thanos posts up away from the huddle! This player nobody saw coming in a dark place mentally!
Heading in. Ben Tennyson's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Ben Tennyson tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates under the basket!
Ben Tennyson is gassed! This who-is-this-guy player bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Iron Man with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
This hungry young player Patrick Star gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Patrick Star reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Ben Tennyson slams his fist on the bench. Thanos places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-124 (L)
Iron Man takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Galactus fires a deep three from the left corner but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Ben Tennyson commits the live-ball turnover! Their football boots would be ashamed!
Ben Tennyson beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the winning goal slipping from an association football player!
Thanos answers back with a finger roll! An off-the-charts basketball IQ under pressure!
Break. Ben Tennyson's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Anecdote: Ben Tennyson once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Thanos is visibly upset! Upset as an emperor when the vast empire goes sideways!
A step-back three from Iron Man goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
Thanos manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their imperial scepter on the vast empire!
Iron Man misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Galactus goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This hungry young player will learn from this.
Iron Man watches the crowd file out in silence. Ben Tennyson prefers not to look. Did you know that Ben Tennyson practices association football player on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-130 (L)
Galactus, this guy nobody was talking about, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Air ball from Ben Tennyson! Being an association football player doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Iron Man dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Thanos gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the vast empire behind their imperial scepter!
Ben Tennyson throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Halftime. Ben Tennyson's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote of the day: Ben Tennyson forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Patrick Star can't buy a bucket! Another miss facing the rim! Frustrating!
This dark horse Ben Tennyson has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Ben Tennyson turns it over at after a timeout! An association football player dropping their football boots at the worst time!
Thanos argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to ruling the vast empire!
This surprise package Galactus tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Ben Tennyson closes his eyes walking out. Thanos keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Ben Tennyson's name. Forgive me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-125 (L)
This rising star Galactus in the starting lineup! Let's see what this rising star brings!
Patrick Star fires away but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Ben Tennyson, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Patrick Star reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Iron Man shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
Rest time. Patrick Star isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Physio's confession: Patrick Star purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
A fadeaway jumper by Galactus from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this unknown gem!
Iron Man slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Galactus tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Iron Man picks up the second technical! This global icon ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
This player nobody saw coming Patrick Star leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
Ben Tennyson leaves the court at a jog. Iron Man stays there, planted at center court, motionless. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-124 (L)
This surprise package Patrick Star means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Iron Man, this undisputed superstar, comes up empty! A buzzer-beater off target on the low block!
Ben Tennyson coughs it up! An association football player's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Patrick Star gets crossed over! This guy nobody was talking about left frozen from way beyond the arc!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break time. Galactus bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Galactus slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Ben Tennyson sends it wide! Their football boots wouldn't forgive that either!
Patrick Star, this versatile guy, with tired legs driving to the hoop! Ego the size of Texas slowing this total unknown down!
Patrick Star attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Thanos mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Galactus had the chances but couldn't convert. This who-is-this-guy player left wanting.
Patrick Star's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Iron Man breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I had a revelation: Iron Man runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-127 (L)
Ben Tennyson stretches center court! Loosening up, the association football player is getting ready!
Iron Man misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Ben Tennyson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Patrick Star gets burned on the drive! Shaky emotions under pressure in lateral movement!
Galactus, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Both teams head in. Ben Tennyson has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Ben Tennyson listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Thanos can't finish! The emperor who finishes the vast empire can't finish the play!
Iron Man is running on pure willpower! This undisputed superstar refusing to quit!
This hungry young player Thanos commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
This first-ballot legend Iron Man shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Patrick Star sits alone on the bench. This guy nobody was talking about processing the defeat.
Ben Tennyson's eyes are glassy. Patrick Star mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
77-121 (L)
This newcomer Patrick Star opens the scoring! A buzzer-beater! Early advantage!
Patrick Star, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
Patrick Star, this all-around player, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Thanos gets screened out! Stuck behind their imperial scepter like it's a wall!
Galactus, this potential breakout star, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
The players leave the court. Thanos clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: Thanos believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Patrick Star rushes a thunderous slam back to the basket! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Patrick Star explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Iron Man loses the basketball! A superhero would never be this careless!
Galactus spins angrily after the turnover! This who-is-this-guy player spiraling!
Ben Tennyson hangs their head! An association football player who gave everything they had!
Ben Tennyson slams his fist on the bench. Thanos places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
95-114 (L)
Thanos steps onto the gym! From ruling the vast empire to this, game time!
Iron Man misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Patrick Star with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
Ben Tennyson gets blown by! Even an association football player couldn't stop that!
Ben Tennyson hooks it in! The arc of an association football player swinging their football boots!
Halftime! Patrick Star has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Staff confession: Patrick Star is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Iron Man vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
Iron Man misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this certified GOAT candidate has off nights!
Patrick Star pushes the pace in transition! Nerves of steel showing in every play!
Thanos leans on their knees! Gassed, but the emperor keeps going!
Thanos gave it everything! Everything an emperor has, left on the court!
Iron Man scratches the back of his neck nervously. Galactus has the look of someone who has seen things. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
80-124 (L)
This potential breakout star Galactus catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This newcomer Patrick Star shanks a half-court heave under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Thanos fires away the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy nobody was talking about!
Patrick Star falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Ben Tennyson, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Halftime! Galactus checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Galactus is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Iron Man misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
Iron Man is visibly tired! This generational talent needs a timeout badly!
Iron Man, this little firecracker, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
Galactus, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Galactus walks off in silence. This hidden prospect gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Galactus's eyes are glassy. Thanos mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-120 (L)
Galactus rises up into position! This diamond in the rough not wasting any time!
Thanos puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their imperial scepter can save that!
Patrick Star loses the ball in traffic! This newcomer can't afford that!
Patrick Star gets caught flat-footed! This total unknown beaten to the spot!
Ben Tennyson, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Halftime. Thanos glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Thanos tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Iron Man with the contested step-back three in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Thanos barely gets back on defense! Moving like an emperor on a Friday afternoon!
Iron Man dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a superhero like that!
This dark horse Patrick Star can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Ben Tennyson absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an association football player knows tough days!
Thanos watches the crowd file out in silence. Iron Man prefers not to look. Behind the scenes, I learned Iron Man was also an association football player in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-125 (L)
Galactus, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Galactus lets fly the pill into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
This basketball god Iron Man gets pickpocketed along the baseline! Sloppy handling!
Thanos loses their assignment! Like losing their imperial scepter in the workshop!
Ben Tennyson mutters to himself walking back! This hidden prospect fighting inner demons!
Break time. Galactus bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little scoop: Galactus collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Galactus drives the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this who-is-this-guy player!
Galactus, this surprise package, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Thanos throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure back to the basket!
Iron Man can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
This unknown gem Patrick Star stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this unknown gem wanted.
Ben Tennyson replays the score in his head on a loop. Thanos tries to think about something else. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-128 (L)
Thanos sets the tone early! The emperor came to play tonight!
Patrick Star misfires from the low block! This surprise package searching for answers!
Iron Man throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Patrick Star overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Ben Tennyson drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an association football player's spirit has limits!
The players leave the court. Patrick Star clings to the tunnel railing. Small detail: Patrick Star whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This who-is-this-guy player Thanos whiffs on a scoop layup! The crowd groans!
Galactus grabs the shorts! This guy nobody was talking about is running on fumes!
This raw talent Galactus loses concentration and the rock with it!
Iron Man mouths off in the money time! A superhero venting about the game!
Iron Man tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Iron Man's gaze is cold, distant. Thanos's gaze is hot, angry. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Galactus gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Patrick Star, this solid build, wastes a golden chance with a wild sky hook!
Galactus with the backcourt violation! This hidden prospect under too much pressure!
Thanos gets burned on the switch! Hotter than an emperor's worst day on the job!
Ben Tennyson stares in disbelief! The look of an association football player who just lost everything!
The players leave the court. Patrick Star clings to the tunnel railing. Little scoop: Patrick Star logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Ben Tennyson clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their football boots hitting the winning goal!
Thanos, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Defense that's basically a suggestion draining the energy!
Galactus, this solid build, fumbles the entry pass on the low block!
Galactus glares at the scoreboard! This potential breakout star not happy with the situation!
Patrick Star, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Thanos shakes Patrick Star's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-119 (L)
Ben Tennyson bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Thanos launches from deep and misses! An emperor's range doesn't apply here!
Ben Tennyson passes to nobody! This dude out of nowhere with a head-scratching decision!
Ben Tennyson overcommits! Going all-in like an association football player on the winning goal, but wrong!
Iron Man posts up the towel! This undisputed superstar showing occasional mental lapses!
Halftime. Galactus throws his towel on the floor walking in. Intel: Galactus once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Galactus gets a clean look but limited stamina costs the bucket!
Iron Man is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the superhero is spent!
Iron Man, this little guy, gets stripped driving to the hoop! Tendency to rush exposed!
Patrick Star gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Ben Tennyson walks off in defeat! Even an association football player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Ben Tennyson sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Patrick Star puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-134 (L)
And we're underway! Thanos touches the Spalding first! This potential breakout star looks eager!
This global icon Iron Man rattles it out! So close yet so far at half court!
Galactus, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the pill! Mental lapse!
Ben Tennyson fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an association football player chasing the winning goal!
This certified GOAT candidate Iron Man fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Halftime. Ben Tennyson wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. I've been told Ben Tennyson always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Galactus clanks another one off the rim! This hidden prospect needs to find rhythm!
This all-time great Iron Man calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Patrick Star coughs up the rock! Hot head strikes again in transition!
Patrick Star slams the pill in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Thanos leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as an emperor after the vast empire setback!
Ben Tennyson refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Iron Man watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I learned Ben Tennyson used to be an association football player before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Best starting five finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Best starting five!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Iron Man. Standing at 6 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Thanos. An emperor in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their imperial scepter better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Thanos has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the vast empire and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Best starting five finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
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