My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Bill Walton. Standing at 211 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Abraham Lincoln. The man is a farmer. Yes, you heard that right. A farmer. On a basketball court. With seed dibber in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Abraham Lincoln had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
103-102 (W)
Bill Walton, this respected competitor, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Draymond Green strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Abraham Lincoln can't buy a bucket! Another miss in transition! Frustrating!
Abraham Lincoln dribbles past the defense for a reverse layup! Size advantage from this this solid build!
Jimmy Butler, this hooper's hooper, manages the clock beautifully in overtime!
Rest. Jimmy Butler buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little secret: Jimmy Butler listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Stephen Curry delivers in the clutch! A double-clutch layup along the baseline! This big-name player is ice cold!
This league veteran Jimmy Butler with a ball recovery under the basket! Intimidating!
An electric crowd as Jimmy Butler, this tree of a man, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Stephen Curry launches for the game-tying scoop layup! On the decisive possession! Unbelievable!
Stephen Curry tosses the ball in the air! A fist pump toward the bench! This world-class player mission accomplished!
Jimmy Butler throws chalk powder like LeBron. Abraham Lincoln coughs for two minutes straight. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln practices farmer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-89 (W)
Jimmy Butler opens with a step-back three! This seasoned vet making an early statement!
A layup from Jimmy Butler! That's nerves of steel at the highest level!
Bill Walton reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
This dude putting the league on notice Bill Walton connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a reverse layup!
Abraham Lincoln, this combo guard, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Freakish explosiveness!
The players leave the court. Bill Walton clings to the tunnel railing. I've been told Bill Walton always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back! The players look fired up.
Draymond Green, this seasoned vet, unleashes a reverse layup in transition! Bang!
Draymond Green, this solid pro, waves the crowd up! A Playoff atmosphere rising!
This legit talent Draymond Green celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Draymond Green overcomes the early struggles! This dude putting the league on notice rising like a phoenix!
This hall-of-fame lock Abraham Lincoln walks off to a standing ovation! A Finals-like atmosphere! Incredible!
Draymond Green climbs onto the scorer's table. Stephen Curry joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. Tonight I learned Draymond Green used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-104 (W)
Abraham Lincoln starts in the shooting guard! Playing the shooting guard the way a farmer plays with the seed dibber!
Abraham Lincoln hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a farmer lifting the seed dibber!
Bill Walton with the huge commanding rebound from the left corner! This seasoned vet says no!
Stephen Curry pinpoints the pass driving to the hoop! Another assist for this franchise guy!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime! Abraham Lincoln checks his stats on the board and winces. Juicy anecdote: Abraham Lincoln was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
A step-back three from Draymond Green! This player making noise reminding everyone why they're on top!
Abraham Lincoln tips their tall socks to the crowd! The farmer gesture with the seed dibber!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry dives for the loose ball! A killer instinct on every play!
Bill Walton is the protagonist tonight! This name that's buzzing authoring a masterpiece!
Abraham Lincoln closes the show! Curtain call for the farmer with the stubborn soil!
Stephen Curry pretends to plant a flag at center court. Abraham Lincoln stands at attention. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
99-103 (L)
Bill Walton looks dialed in from the start! Scary good handles preparation showing!
Bill Walton scores from downtown! A bank shot with freakish explosiveness! Brilliant!
Stephen Curry scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Bill Walton blows past but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Draymond Green, this next-level player, wills the team back! Unreal swagger driving the comeback!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jimmy Butler's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Jimmy Butler knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, rattles out the free throw! Tendency to force bad shots getting the best of this undisputed superstar!
Abraham Lincoln mouths off on the decisive possession! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
Bill Walton lets fly with purpose! An unmatched feel for the game driving this team forward!
Jimmy Butler dunks and slips! Turnover in the first quarter! Tendency to force bad shots!
Draymond Green sits alone on the bench. This up-and-coming baller processing the defeat.
Bill Walton sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Draymond Green puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I got a text from Bill Walton after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
107-93 (W)
And we're underway! Draymond Green touches the Wilson first! This guy with a proven track record looks eager!
Abraham Lincoln nails a tear drop from deep! Range like the seed dibber reaching across the workshop!
Stephen Curry blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
Draymond Green goes to work and finds the trailer for a two-handed slam! Great awareness!
Abraham Lincoln manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of the seed dibber on the stubborn soil!
Halftime. Stephen Curry glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Juicy intel: Stephen Curry turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Abraham Lincoln scores with night-in night-out consistency. A two-handed slam back to the basket! Too smooth!
The arena trembles! Jimmy Butler with the play and a cathedral silence follows!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, repositions on defense! Pure God-given talent collective effort!
Abraham Lincoln goes to work with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Abraham Lincoln signs off with a reverse layup! The farmer's final the stubborn soil of the night!
Draymond Green hugs the mascot. Jimmy Butler hugs the referee. Awkward. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
119-100 (W)
Tip-off! Bill Walton gets us started! Let's go!
Jimmy Butler, this walking skyscraper, showcases night-in night-out consistency with a gorgeous bank shot!
Draymond Green a clutch steal at the critical moment! Iron discipline right on cue!
This seasoned vet Jimmy Butler with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Jimmy Butler sets the screen at the perfect angle! This league veteran cerebral play!
Halftime. Jimmy Butler glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? Jimmy Butler launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This league veteran Jimmy Butler does it again! A bucket with effortless precision!
The energy in this building is unreal! Abraham Lincoln channeling wild stands!
Jimmy Butler finds the open teammate! This dude putting the league on notice making everyone better!
This respected competitor Draymond Green refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Game over! Abraham Lincoln proved a farmer belongs on the gym with the seed dibber!
Jimmy Butler performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Abraham Lincoln imitates it. It's worse. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
117-84 (W)
This respected competitor Bill Walton opens the scoring! A step-back three! Early advantage!
A layup from Abraham Lincoln! Another dagger! This living legend closing the door!
Abraham Lincoln drives and dishes! Gorgeous feed in transition! Unreal swagger!
Bill Walton scores at will! A pull-up jumper in the paint! This guy with a proven track record domination!
This league veteran Jimmy Butler holds ground from way beyond the arc! Immovable object!
End of the first half. Bill Walton is beet red but still standing. Rumor has it Bill Walton has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jimmy Butler with another free throw! You can't stop this man!
Abraham Lincoln makes it a laugher! Laughing like a farmer laughing at easy the stubborn soil!
Abraham Lincoln tried to invoice the other team for that foul! Classic farmer move!
Abraham Lincoln, this swiss-army-knife type, flexes on the crowd! A slide across the hardwood after a thunderous slam!
Jimmy Butler, this legit talent, high-fives the bench! A salute to the fans! Team effort!
Jimmy Butler pretends to faint from happiness. Draymond Green pretends to call 911. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
110-93 (W)
This elite player Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three from downtown!
Draymond Green posts up the ball beautifully for a thunderous slam! What touch!
Stephen Curry times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A commanding rebound from way beyond the arc!
Abraham Lincoln with the no-look pass! This potential GOAT has eyes in the back of the head!
This league veteran Jimmy Butler recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
That's a wrap for now. Jimmy Butler dives into the tunnel. Did you know? Jimmy Butler tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This respected competitor Draymond Green finishes with authority! A buzzer-beater along the baseline!
The crowd is on its feet! A Finals-like atmosphere as Jimmy Butler takes the court!
Bill Walton makes the extra pass! This well-respected player hockey assist for a tear drop!
Bill Walton, this league veteran, has the intangibles! An unmatched feel for the game beyond the stats!
Bill Walton rises up off the court victorious! This up-and-coming baller leaves it all out there!
Abraham Lincoln and Jimmy Butler act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight I learned Abraham Lincoln used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-117 (L)
Jimmy Butler, this well-respected player, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Bill Walton, this respected competitor, pulls the trigger at the top of the key but no luck!
Bill Walton goes to work into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Jimmy Butler, this mountain of a man, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This elite player Stephen Curry with a beautiful layup from mid-range! Poetry in motion!
Break! Bill Walton grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Bill Walton watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Abraham Lincoln fades away the towel! This potential GOAT showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Bill Walton fires a tear drop on the low block but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Abraham Lincoln counters the press! Problem solved, farmer style!
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Draymond Green walks off in silence. This league veteran gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Draymond Green's gaze is cold, distant. Stephen Curry's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-106 (L)
Jimmy Butler, this tree of a man, announced to huge cheers! A roaring arena!
Jimmy Butler, this up-and-coming baller, comes up empty! An off-balance shot off target in transition!
Abraham Lincoln loses possession! The stubborn soil never leaves a farmer's hands like that!
Draymond Green, this 7-footer, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!
Bill Walton, this hooper's hooper, operates from mid-range with a double-clutch layup! Clinic!
Break. Abraham Lincoln's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Abraham Lincoln plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This next-level player Draymond Green throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Draymond Green lets fly the Spalding into nothing! Injury-prone body on full display tonight!
This living legend Abraham Lincoln uses the floater over this smooth operator coverage! Smart!
This legit talent Draymond Green can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Stephen Curry fires away to the tunnel in disappointment. This reliable star will learn from this.
Bill Walton snaps at the bench on his way out. Abraham Lincoln says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
100-95 (W)
Jimmy Butler, this titan, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hooper's hooper is in the building!
Stephen Curry dunks and fires a thunderous slam! This solid build lighting it up!
Bill Walton, this league veteran, walls up off the pick and roll! Impenetrable defense!
This established player Jimmy Butler zips the pass through! Another dime from this walking skyscraper!
Abraham Lincoln slows the pace when the team needs it! This global icon tempo control!
The players disappear. Stephen Curry has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Stephen Curry got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Bill Walton dribbles and converts! A thunderous slam from the right corner! Money!
Jimmy Butler launches in front of the home faithful! A roaring arena! Beautiful!
Draymond Green, this absolute unit, boxes out for the teammate! This up-and-coming baller doing the dirty work!
Bill Walton, this player on the come-up, has been building to this all game! On the inbound pass!
Draymond Green can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Stephen Curry and Draymond Green lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-109 (L)
Draymond Green rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This up-and-coming baller locked in!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry misses the mark! A bucket goes begging along the baseline!
Draymond Green with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
This up-and-coming baller Bill Walton bites on the fake! Beaten off the pick and roll!
Jimmy Butler, this league veteran, drops a bucket from downtown! Pure artistry!
Time to breathe. Bill Walton has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Bill Walton tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This franchise guy Stephen Curry can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Bill Walton with the off-balance fadeaway jumper! This solid pro couldn't set the feet!
This all-time great Abraham Lincoln attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Jimmy Butler crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Lack of consistency emptying the tank!
This legit talent Draymond Green leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Draymond Green watches the crowd file out in silence. Stephen Curry prefers not to look. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-93 (W)
Bill Walton blows past into position! This player making noise not wasting any time!
Draymond Green, this titan, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by natural-born leadership!
Bill Walton, this tower, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
Bill Walton, this absolute unit, rises above and hammers a finger roll!
Jimmy Butler, this well-respected player, orchestrates the delay game! Insane court vision in action!
Halftime! Draymond Green looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Draymond Green got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This league veteran Draymond Green with nerves of steel! A devastating dunk when it matters most!
Bill Walton, this next-level player, clamps down on the star player! A killer instinct on the assignment!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A cathedral silence as Stephen Curry steps up!
Draymond Green with the dagger tear drop! This next-level player buries the opposition!
Draymond Green, this mammoth, acknowledges the fans! A Finals-like atmosphere! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Abraham Lincoln runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Stephen Curry follows doing the wave alone. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
121-102 (W)
Jimmy Butler takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This next-level player Jimmy Butler capitalizes under the basket! A sky hook with an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Stephen Curry slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Pure God-given talent in every step!
This legit talent Bill Walton with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Bill Walton, this tower, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Off to the locker room. Stephen Curry has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This legit talent Draymond Green erupts for an alley-oop! The floodgates are open!
Stephen Curry soaks in immense pressure! This guy everybody knows living for these moments!
Bill Walton celebrates the team's success! This legit talent knows together is better!
The narrative shifts! Draymond Green takes control with night-in night-out consistency!
This respected competitor Draymond Green wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Bill Walton and Draymond Green do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
101-92 (W)
Game time! Bill Walton and this dude putting the league on notice ready to put on a show at the venue!
Jimmy Butler goes coast to coast for a hook shot! This up-and-coming baller is relentless!
Abraham Lincoln with an iron-wall defense! The reflexes of a farmer catching the stubborn soil!
Jimmy Butler with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Jimmy Butler pulls up to the weak side! This well-respected player exploiting the rotation!
Players head to the locker room. Bill Walton has tape on three fingers. The staff told me Bill Walton sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Draymond Green converts a tough bucket from downtown! Skill level: elite!
A sold-out gym on fire fills the arena! This name that's buzzing Bill Walton feeds off the energy!
Jimmy Butler, this name that's buzzing, picks up the fallen teammate! An unmatched feel for the game beyond the stats!
Jimmy Butler is inevitable tonight! This next-level player can't be stopped!
This legit talent Draymond Green caps off a special night! A bench mob celebration! Until next time!
Draymond Green and Bill Walton swing Jimmy Butler around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Bill Walton.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Bill Walton. Standing at 211 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Abraham Lincoln. The man is a farmer. Yes, you heard that right. A farmer. On a basketball court. With seed dibber in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Abraham Lincoln had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Bill Walton.
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