My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A bank shot! Early advantage!
Elly De La Cruz shoots an air ball in a crowd fully behind them! A baseball player lost in the noise!
This player nobody saw coming Elly De La Cruz with turnover number lengths ahead! Heavy feet is piling up!
Santa Claus gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the supply chain behind their logistics map!
This hungry young player A. J. Brown fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Halftime. Santa Claus throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Santa Claus failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A. J. Brown, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates off the pick and roll!
Jason Kelce, this total unknown, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Elly De La Cruz coughs up the Spalding! Lack of consistency strikes again from downtown!
Santa Claus is visibly upset! Upset as a distribution manager when the supply chain goes sideways!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy with rings on every finger left wanting.
A. J. Brown's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Santa Claus breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-130 (L)
Jesus Christ, this solid build, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
A. J. Brown fires a sky hook on the low block but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
A. J. Brown charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Santa Claus turns the head and loses the man! This generational talent napping defensively!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Break! Jason Kelce has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Jason Kelce plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Elly De La Cruz can't find the range! The baseball glove has better accuracy than that!
Santa Claus can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of optimizing the supply chain!
Elly De La Cruz tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Lack of consistency in the decision-making!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Santa Claus walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-128 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a messiah on day one!
Jason Kelce dunks but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
This total unknown A. J. Brown with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Santa Claus can't stay in front! Optimizing the supply chain doesn't build lateral quickness!
Santa Claus shakes their head! A distribution manager who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime whistle. Elly De La Cruz flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Elly De La Cruz was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Elly De La Cruz bricks another one! Building something awful with the baseball glove tonight!
Jason Kelce, this total unknown, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
A. J. Brown, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
This generational talent Jesus Christ shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jason Kelce, this surprise package, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Santa Claus walks in slow motion, arms dangling. A. J. Brown speeds up. Wants it to be over. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
76-121 (L)
Santa Claus huddles with the team! Huddling up, the distribution manager strategizes!
The rim rejects Santa Claus! The rim says no! Even a distribution manager gets rejected sometimes!
This player nobody saw coming A. J. Brown forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
A. J. Brown, this unknown gem, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
End of the first half. Elly De La Cruz is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Elly De La Cruz threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The players look fired up.
A. J. Brown fades away the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this diamond in the rough!
A. J. Brown short-arms the shot from fatigue! This unknown gem has nothing left!
A. J. Brown throws it into the stands! What was that from this potential breakout star!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
A. J. Brown walks off in silence. This diamond in the rough gave it all but it wasn't enough.
A. J. Brown lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Santa Claus holds his in. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
73-117 (L)
Santa Claus bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A two-handed slam from A. J. Brown catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Santa Claus, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the pill!
Jason Kelce gets posted up and scored on! This diamond in the rough overpowered!
Jason Kelce, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
A. J. Brown, this player nobody saw coming, comes up empty! A free throw off target driving to the hoop!
Elly De La Cruz asks for the ball to slow the pace! This raw talent needs air!
This newcomer A. J. Brown commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Jason Kelce slams the orange in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Santa Claus takes the loss hard! Hard as the supply chain on a bad distribution manager day!
A. J. Brown mutters 'damn' under his breath. Jason Kelce says 'yeah' in the same tone. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-128 (L)
Elly De La Cruz sets the tone early! The baseball player came to play tonight!
Jesus Christ launches and misses! The orange isn't the game, and it shows!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
This rising star Jason Kelce caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the rock frustration!
Break! A. J. Brown takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. They say A. J. Brown eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Elly De La Cruz bricks it! Not the same accuracy as pitching the fastball!
Jesus Christ is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Jason Kelce attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This franchise cornerstone Santa Claus hangs the head after the miss! Deflated along the baseline!
Elly De La Cruz leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a baseball player after the fastball setback!
Jesus Christ presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. A. J. Brown walks right past without noticing. Tonight I learned Jesus Christ used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
74-118 (L)
Elly De La Cruz wins the opening tip! Tipping off with baseball player energy!
This who-is-this-guy player Jason Kelce shanks a hook shot in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Santa Claus loses the orange! A distribution manager would never be this careless!
Elly De La Cruz gets posterized! A baseball player framed by the baseball glove in the worst way!
Santa Claus stares in disbelief! The look of a distribution manager who just lost everything!
Halftime. A. J. Brown's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? A. J. Brown has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
A. J. Brown, this newcomer, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ explodes into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
Jason Kelce, this potential breakout star, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jason Kelce avoids the cameras like the plague. A. J. Brown gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
Santa Claus announces themselves! The distribution manager has arrived and the building knows it!
Jason Kelce air-mails a pull-up jumper from downtown! Way off for this player nobody saw coming!
Elly De La Cruz with the careless pass! Pitching the fastball with more care, please!
This dark horse Jason Kelce gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
Santa Claus shoots away from the huddle! This certified GOAT candidate in a dark place mentally!
Both teams head to the locker room. Elly De La Cruz wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Elly De La Cruz tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jason Kelce rushes a layup along the baseline! Injury-prone body creeping in!
A. J. Brown grabs the shorts! This who-is-this-guy player is running on fumes!
Elly De La Cruz throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure in transition!
A. J. Brown penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This player nobody saw coming losing composure!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
A. J. Brown mutters while walking out. Elly De La Cruz watches from the corner of his eye, worried. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-128 (L)
Santa Claus attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hall-of-fame lock!
A. J. Brown misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this guy nobody was talking about has off nights!
A. J. Brown shoots into a dead end from the left corner! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
A. J. Brown, this swiss-army-knife type, gets exploited in the switch! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed in the mismatch!
Elly De La Cruz walks away muttering! Muttering about the fastball under their breath!
Cut! Halftime. Santa Claus's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Santa Claus has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Jesus Christ with a wild attempt! This household name not finding the range tonight!
A. J. Brown, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Elly De La Cruz posts up the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player nobody saw coming!
A. J. Brown dunks angrily after the turnover! This unknown gem spiraling!
Elly De La Cruz fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the baseball player gave everything!
Elly De La Cruz hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Santa Claus keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-123 (L)
A. J. Brown, this player nobody saw coming, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This all-time great Santa Claus rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
A. J. Brown, this tweener, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Tendency to rush exposed!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Elly De La Cruz, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Coach calls everyone back. Jason Kelce drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jason Kelce lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
A fadeaway jumper from A. J. Brown hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This potential GOAT bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Santa Claus trips up in the left wing! A distribution manager never trips at work... Right?
Santa Claus, this franchise cornerstone, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jesus Christ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Elly De La Cruz has the look of someone who has seen things. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-121 (L)
Jason Kelce, this unknown gem, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Jason Kelce launches a pull-up jumper and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Elly De La Cruz loses their assignment! Like losing the baseball glove in the workshop!
This rising star Jason Kelce throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Halftime. A. J. Brown's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. They say A. J. Brown has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Jason Kelce, this diamond in the rough, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
A. J. Brown, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jesus Christ turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this messiah!
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This hall-of-fame lock wearing it on the sleeve!
Santa Claus, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Jason Kelce sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Elly De La Cruz has his head in his hands. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-118 (L)
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
This player nobody saw coming Jason Kelce commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
Santa Claus gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Santa Claus waves off the play! The authority of a distribution manager in that gesture!
Both teams head to the locker room. Elly De La Cruz wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Elly De La Cruz tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jesus Christ heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Jesus Christ is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure messiah stubbornness!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
This surprise package Jason Kelce can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Elly De La Cruz accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
78-123 (L)
Elly De La Cruz steps onto the hardwood! From pitching the fastball to this, game time!
Santa Claus misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Santa Claus botches the handoff! Even their logistics map exchanges go smoother!
Elly De La Cruz lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this player nobody saw coming fooled!
A. J. Brown mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Both teams head in. Santa Claus has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Santa Claus watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Elly De La Cruz attacks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
This dude out of nowhere A. J. Brown calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!
This surprise package A. J. Brown gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ dishes the towel! This potential GOAT showing injury-prone body!
Santa Claus consoles teammates! The heart of a distribution manager in that moment!
Jesus Christ's eyes are glassy. Elly De La Cruz mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-126 (L)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Jesus Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The basketball through the hoop, nope!
A. J. Brown, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Elly De La Cruz gives up the easy bucket! Easier than pitching the fastball!
Santa Claus vents at their teammates! The distribution manager who vents about the supply chain!
Halftime. Santa Claus is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Santa Claus collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Santa Claus just barely misses! Close as a distribution manager getting the supply chain almost right!
This who-is-this-guy player Jason Kelce is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Stolen from Elly De La Cruz! A baseball player who let it slip through their fingers!
Jason Kelce gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
A. J. Brown, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Elly De La Cruz's lip is trembling. A. J. Brown dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-118 (L)
A. J. Brown looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
This rising star A. J. Brown misfires again! Occasional mental lapses could cost the team!
A. J. Brown with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Santa Claus pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The distribution manager in them is showing!
Halftime! Santa Claus walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Santa Claus is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Elly De La Cruz fires a brick from the right corner! Way off, even for a baseball player!
Jesus Christ mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Elly De La Cruz, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Santa Claus kicks the air! The frustration of a distribution manager who knows they can do better!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. A. J. Brown walks right past without noticing. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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