Chicago Gooners — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Chicago Gooners | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Chicago Gooners! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Sophie Rain. The woman is an internet celebrity. A freaking internet celebrity. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, she rolls up with their ring light and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. Her first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. Her second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into her own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if she was serious or completely hammered. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-110 (L)
LeBron James opens with a bucket! This first-ballot legend making an early statement!
Sean Combs forces a bad free throw! This established star needs to trust teammates!
Ice Spice with a wild pass that sails out! This player making noise giving it away!
Sean Combs lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this max-contract guy fooled!
LeBron James attacks at half court and finishes with a devastating dunk! Too good!
Break. Mia Khalifa collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. True story: Mia Khalifa had her parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Sean Combs can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the basketball frustration!
This global icon Mia Khalifa rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Mia Khalifa uses the hesitation dribble! Eyes in the back of the head creating separation!
Sophie Rain calls for the sub! Even an internet celebrity's stamina with their ring light has limits!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Ice Spice bites the inside of her cheek. Mia Khalifa pinches the bridge of her nose. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
126-81 (W)
Ice Spice lands the first catch-and-shoot triple! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
Ice Spice, this well-respected player, operates in transition with a devastating dunk! Clinic!
Ice Spice dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this rapper!
Sophie Rain hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their ring light at half court!
This headliner Sean Combs reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Ice Spice hits the triple! Three buckets, three cheers for this rapper turned baller!
Ice Spice and the garbage time lineup! This name that's buzzing can rest easy!
LeBron James, this basketball god, catches the basketball in the face! Hands of stone today!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, chest bumps the teammate! A fist pump toward the bench! Pure joy!
Ice Spice can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
LeBron James makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Sophie Rain makes the 'call us' gesture. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
116-80 (W)
Ice Spice, this seasoned vet, draws first blood! A devastating dunk to start!
This world-class player Sean Combs with a cold-blooded buzzer-beater! No conscience!
Sophie Rain finds them in the three-point line! Navigating the floor like an internet celebrity navigates rush hour!
What a play by LeBron James! A catch-and-shoot triple in transition! This once-in-a-lifetime player is cooking!
Sophie Rain reads the play perfectly! That internet celebrity brain working overtime!
Halftime whistle. Mia Khalifa high-fives her teammates on the way out. Locker room intel: Mia Khalifa has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on her butt. That's commitment. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This big-name player Sean Combs with a beautiful half-court heave at the buzzer! Poetry in motion!
Mia Khalifa with the cherry on top! A scoop layup in a blowout! Good night!
This who-is-this-guy player Sophie Rain celebrates too early! A devastating dunk didn't count! Awkward!
Ice Spice, this next-level player, with the too-small gesture! A raised fist! Mismatch!
Sean Combs is named player of the game! The philanthropist is also the star!
Mia Khalifa hugs the mascot. LeBron James hugs the referee. Awkward. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
125-94 (W)
Sean Combs sets the tone early! The philanthropist came to play tonight!
A bucket from Sean Combs! That's night-in night-out consistency at the highest level!
Ice Spice, this solid build, alters the shot! Natural-born leadership at the rim!
Ice Spice, this smooth operator, drops the dime! Ridiculous creativity passing on display!
Mia Khalifa communicates the switch! Clear as a stunt performer's instructions!
The players disappear. Ice Spice has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Ice Spice believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Sophie Rain hooks it in! The arc of an internet celebrity swinging their ring light!
A sold-out gym on fire is electric when Sean Combs has the damn ball! A philanthropist charging the room!
Ice Spice sets the perfect screen! Built like a rapper who doesn't skip leg day!
Sean Combs dedicates this game to the game and every philanthropist who believed!
Sean Combs hugs the coach! The warmth of a philanthropist who just nailed it!
LeBron James does a handstand. Mia Khalifa holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
107-100 (W)
LeBron James, this all-time great, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
Mia Khalifa hits nothing but net! Pure as a stunt performer's work with their bare hands!
Ice Spice, this swiss-army-knife type, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by unreal swagger!
Ice Spice with the wraparound pass! Smooth hands from all that rapper work!
Ice Spice positions perfectly in the high post! Placement of their hot mic on the fiery bars!
Break! Mia Khalifa rips her shoes off the second she reaches the locker room. Intel: Mia Khalifa asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Sophie Rain dunks with the precision of an internet celebrity at work. And it's an off-balance shot!
A Playoff atmosphere as Ice Spice, this all-around player, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Sophie Rain barks out defensive calls! The voice of their ring light echoes across the floor!
Sean Combs is the protagonist tonight! This multi-time All-Star authoring a masterpiece!
Sophie Rain shakes hands! The handshake of an internet celebrity who respects the algorithm!
LeBron James improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Sophie Rain plays the imaginary violin. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-101 (L)
Sean Combs checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Mia Khalifa misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Ice Spice loses the pill! A rapper would never be this careless!
Sophie Rain gets crossed over! This dark horse left frozen under the basket!
LeBron James scores at the top of the key! A scoop layup with an unmatched feel for the game! Brilliant!
Halftime whistle. Mia Khalifa high-fives her teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Mia Khalifa does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Sophie Rain storms to the bench! This hidden prospect is visibly upset!
Mia Khalifa drives but it's well off! Shaky emotions under pressure under fatigue!
Sophie Rain directs traffic on the field house! Traffic control by an internet celebrity with the algorithm!
Sean Combs is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure philanthropist stubbornness!
Mia Khalifa consoles teammates! The heart of a stunt performer in that moment!
Sophie Rain refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Sean Combs watches it and immediately regrets it. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
108-107 (W)
This potential breakout star Sophie Rain catches the Wilson early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Sean Combs locks down their opponent! Tight as a philanthropist gripping their bare hands!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs shanks a half-court heave from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Sean Combs banks it at half court! A philanthropist's steady hand at work!
This hall-of-fame lock Mia Khalifa recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
End of the second quarter. Mia Khalifa is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Mia Khalifa had her parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This first-ballot legend LeBron James with nerves of steel! A thunderous slam when it matters most!
Ice Spice with a defensive rebound! The reflexes of a rapper catching the fiery bars!
Ice Spice's fan section holds up the fiery bars! The rapper army is loud!
This big-name player Sean Combs converts the and-one during crunch time! Three-point play!
Sophie Rain hangs up the captain armband! Calling it a night, the internet celebrity is done!
Sophie Rain and Mia Khalifa carry Ice Spice like a trophy across the entire court. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
107-91 (W)
Sophie Rain bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
LeBron James, this colossus, with a silky pull-up jumper under the basket! Smooth operator!
Mia Khalifa forces the shot-clock violation! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
This household name Mia Khalifa with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
This global icon LeBron James runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
That's a wrap for now. Sean Combs dives into the tunnel. Did you know? Sean Combs tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Sophie Rain hits a layup! Eyes in the back of the head proving to be the difference tonight!
The crowd is on its feet! Immense pressure as Mia Khalifa takes the court!
Sophie Rain pulls up the damn ball into the right hands! This hidden prospect quarterback!
LeBron James has found another gear! This undisputed superstar shifting into overdrive!
Sean Combs wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the Wilson!
Mia Khalifa and Ice Spice attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. LeBron James films the whole thing. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-107 (L)
Mia Khalifa stretches center court! Loosening up, the stunt performer is getting ready!
Sean Combs can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The Spalding through the hoop, nope!
Ice Spice charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
LeBron James gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
LeBron James catches fire! And it's a thunderous slam! A killer instinct taking over!
Back in the locker room, Mia Khalifa sits down and stares at the ceiling. Intel: Mia Khalifa refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Sophie Rain, this guy nobody was talking about, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Sean Combs reads the defense perfectly! That dawg mentality and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Sophie Rain, this dude out of nowhere, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
This elite player Sean Combs tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
LeBron James refuses Houston Blast-Off's handshake. Sean Combs offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
103-95 (W)
Sophie Rain takes the floor with that look in her eyes! She came to play tonight!
Mia Khalifa knocks it down! Solid as a stunt performer with their bare hands in hand!
Sean Combs guards the perimeter! Patrolling with philanthropist vigilance!
Mia Khalifa reads the defense! Studying them like it's stunt performer homework!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We're back! The players look fired up.
Sophie Rain dunks past the defense for a half-court heave! Size advantage from this this solid build!
LeBron James posts up in front of the home faithful! A sold-out gym on fire! Beautiful!
Mia Khalifa, this lightning-quick little man, sets the perfect screen! An off-the-charts basketball IQ for the team!
The transformation of LeBron James is complete! This certified GOAT candidate has arrived!
Ice Spice tips their hat! The rapper salute! Pure class!
Sean Combs and Ice Spice attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Mia Khalifa films the whole thing. Evening confession: I'm wearing Sean Combs's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
110-102 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this certified GOAT candidate brings!
Sophie Rain, this solid build, showcases next-level basketball IQ with a gorgeous finger roll!
LeBron James draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a layup!
LeBron James takes off into the right spacing! A killer instinct and elite court awareness!
The players disappear. Mia Khalifa has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Mia Khalifa once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sophie Rain converts with authority! Same energy they bring to captivating the algorithm!
You can cut the tension with a knife! Wild stands as LeBron James steps up!
Sean Combs rotates on defense! Rotating with their bare hands efficiency!
From their bare hands to a two-handed slam, Sean Combs's range is unmatched!
Ice Spice with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, rapper style!
Mia Khalifa and Sophie Rain do celebratory push-ups. Sean Combs counts out loud. Definitely cheating. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
105-95 (W)
This dude out of nowhere Sophie Rain comes out aggressive! Opens with a layup at the buzzer!
This potential GOAT LeBron James punishes the defense with a devastating dunk in the paint!
LeBron James, this tower, walls off the drive in transition! No way through!
This potential GOAT LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Sean Combs iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with philanthropist focus!
Halftime! Mia Khalifa checks her stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Mia Khalifa was voted best-looking player on the team. By her mom. In a poll she created herself. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
LeBron James drains an off-balance shot at the buzzer! Textbook pure God-given talent!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Sophie Rain gets hot!
This basketball god Mia Khalifa tips it to the teammate! An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
Sean Combs plays with the grit of someone who competes the game daily!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James seals the deal! Victory with an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
LeBron James takes a bow for the crowd. Sean Combs bows to LeBron James. The nobility of basketball. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-100 (L)
Sean Combs steps onto the gym! From competing the game to this, game time!
LeBron James fades away and fires a scoop layup! This titan lighting it up!
Ice Spice bites on the pump fake! This dude putting the league on notice sent flying along the baseline!
A free throw from Mia Khalifa goes in and out! Heartbreaking on the low block!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James ties the game! What a comeback! Nerves of steel at its peak!
Break! Ice Spice has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Ice Spice once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Mia Khalifa fouls at the worst time! A stunt performer tripping over the game!
Sophie Rain, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Iron discipline!
Ice Spice bricks it when it matters! Their hot mic accuracy went home early!
Sean Combs wipes a tear! A philanthropist who poured everything into the effort!
Ice Spice lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Mia Khalifa holds her in. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
102-97 (W)
Sophie Rain comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the internet celebrity means business!
Ice Spice catches and shoots,an and-one! Quick hands from spitting the fiery bars!
Ice Spice denies the pass! Their hot mic interception skills on full display!
This household name Mia Khalifa creates for others! Unselfish play with natural-born leadership!
Sophie Rain triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with internet celebrity urgency!
The locker room. Ice Spice sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Ice Spice tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
A scoop layup from Sean Combs! This All-Star caliber talent is putting on a show tonight!
The den erupts as Mia Khalifa enters! The stunt performer gets a hero's welcome!
Mia Khalifa runs the play to perfection! Perfection of competing the game!
This headliner Sean Combs with a performance for the ages! A moment of pure magic chapter!
Sean Combs owns the night! Owner of the venue and the game alike!
Mia Khalifa cries tears of joy in Sean Combs's arms. LeBron James is also crying but nobody knows why. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
106-112 (L)
Sophie Rain locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an internet celebrity who means business!
Ice Spice forces up a reverse layup over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
Mia Khalifa with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Mia Khalifa, this compact dynamo, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
Sean Combs posts up and scores! Those philanthropist hands work wonders with the orange!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Mia Khalifa asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Mia Khalifa listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Ice Spice, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Mia Khalifa, this absolute legend, comes up empty! A euro-step off target on the low block!
Ice Spice steps back the ball out of the trap! Next-level basketball IQ under pressure!
This absolute legend LeBron James signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Ego the size of Texas!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.
Mia Khalifa kicks her towel across the floor. Sean Combs has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Chicago Gooners ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Chicago Gooners!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Sophie Rain. The woman is an internet celebrity. A freaking internet celebrity. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, she rolls up with their ring light and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. Her first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. Her second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into her own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if she was serious or completely hammered.
The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Chicago Gooners ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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