My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Mikheil Kavelashvili's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Pavel Nedvěd! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Mikheil Kavelashvili climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Pavel Nedvěd films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Thomas Helveg intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Johan Cruyff put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Władysław Żmuda jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Rüştü Reçber parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Władysław Żmuda launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Roy Keane throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Roy Keane to Johan Cruyff, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Johan Cruyff sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Johan Cruyff fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Miralem Pjanić throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Miralem Pjanić, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Rüştü Reçber sparks the transition with a quick throw to Johan Cruyff, the break is lightning fast. Johan Cruyff launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Johan Cruyff was flying. Lightning overlap from Johan Cruyff, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Johan Cruyff, Pavel Nedvěd receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Rüştü Reçber palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Rüştü Reçber has covered seven kilometres already." Miralem Pjanić shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Rüştü Reçber fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Rüştü Reçber is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 186, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Rüştü Reçber comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Aggelos Charisteas goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Rüştü Reçber parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Thomas Helveg clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Paolo Maldini with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Paolo Maldini to Mikheil Kavelashvili, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Rüştü Reçber getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Władysław Żmuda wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Roy Keane. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Władysław Żmuda links up with Aggelos Charisteas, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Miralem Pjanić is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Paolo Maldini clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Władysław Żmuda! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Johan Cruyff curls a cross to the near post, Paolo Maldini is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Rüştü Reçber slides on his knees across the wet turf, Roy Keane piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Miralem Pjanić winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Miralem Pjanić does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Pavel Nedvěd launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Rüştü Reçber arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Johan Cruyff sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Johan Cruyff dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Paolo Maldini arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Paolo Maldini places his header from the cross by Mikheil Kavelashvili, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Thomas Helveg sends an aerial beauty to Pavel Nedvěd, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Aggelos Charisteas, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Pavel Nedvěd is there to gobble it up. Pavel Nedvěd drifts just offside as Aggelos Charisteas plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Władysław Żmuda to Thomas Helveg, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Miralem Pjanić threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Pavel Nedvěd bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Pavel Nedvěd! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Pavel Nedvěd takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Paolo Maldini is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Roy Keane, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Roy Keane adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 55, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Aggelos Charisteas jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Paolo Maldini, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Paolo Maldini, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Heinz Hermann to Paolo Maldini, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Paolo Maldini, Pavel Nedvěd receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Pavel Nedvěd! The goal was empty, Władysław Żmuda puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Władysław Żmuda slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Władysław Żmuda slides a beauty through the gap, Pavel Nedvěd is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Pavel Nedvěd goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Rüştü Reçber runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Thomas Helveg joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Władysław Żmuda puts Pavel Nedvěd into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Pavel Nedvěd wants to find Miralem Pjanić between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Johan Cruyff to Pavel Nedvěd, they bypass the wall with the combination. Pavel Nedvěd shifts it to Aggelos Charisteas with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Paolo Maldini exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Rüştü Reçber just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Rüştü Reçber legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Johan Cruyff tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Johan Cruyff presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Johan Cruyff, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Johan Cruyff! On the inswinging cross from Pavel Nedvěd, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Johan Cruyff right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Władysław Żmuda tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Rüştü Reçber has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Paolo Maldini, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Paolo Maldini! It fizzes between the lines and Roy Keane collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Roy Keane sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Paolo Maldini rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Władysław Żmuda jumps on his back, Rüştü Reçber is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Rüştü Reçber points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Władysław Żmuda comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Mikheil Kavelashvili places it inside the post from the cross by Johan Cruyff, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Mikheil Kavelashvili mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Miralem Pjanić plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Rüştü Reçber plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Miralem Pjanić is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Mikheil Kavelashvili adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Paolo Maldini sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 58, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Miralem Pjanić high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Johan Cruyff, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Pavel Nedvěd. Pavel Nedvěd crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Thomas Helveg in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Johan Cruyff, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Johan Cruyff pretends to strike and lays it off to Pavel Nedvěd, well worked short free kick. Pavel Nedvěd takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Pavel Nedvěd! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Thomas Helveg on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Thomas Helveg picks out Roy Keane with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Roy Keane eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Roy Keane pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Roy Keane finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Roy Keane, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Roy Keane opens up to Paolo Maldini on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Paolo Maldini there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Aggelos Charisteas, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Rüştü Reçber grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Paolo Maldini is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Thomas Helveg and Mikheil Kavelashvili, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Mikheil Kavelashvili spots the gap and sends Johan Cruyff into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Johan Cruyff sets it for Thomas Helveg, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Thomas Helveg slips Roy Keane in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Paolo Maldini lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Roy Keane down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Roy Keane was beyond the last man when Thomas Helveg released the pass. Aggelos Charisteas scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Miralem Pjanić grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Pavel Nedvěd pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Rüştü Reçber to Thomas Helveg, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Thomas Helveg to the near post and wins the header. Thomas Helveg was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Władysław Żmuda! Sumptuous header on the cross from Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Rüştü Reçber stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Roy Keane comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Pavel Nedvěd reads the movement from Johan Cruyff and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Johan Cruyff! On the gift from Mikheil Kavelashvili, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Pavel Nedvěd stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Paolo Maldini follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Rüştü Reçber plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Johan Cruyff shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Pavel Nedvěd. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Pavel Nedvěd looks for Thomas Helveg but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Heinz Hermann hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Heinz Hermann loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Pavel Nedvěd is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Aggelos Charisteas and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Rüştü Reçber owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 186, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Paolo Maldini leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Heinz Hermann launches it to Johan Cruyff on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Thomas Helveg! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Pavel Nedvěd is away on his own. That is velvet. Pavel Nedvěd bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Aggelos Charisteas triggers a change of flanks for Pavel Nedvěd, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Pavel Nedvěd, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Aggelos Charisteas, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Miralem Pjanić played as a cross, Johan Cruyff positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Johan Cruyff, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Rüştü Reçber! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Mikheil Kavelashvili to Heinz Hermann, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Heinz Hermann spreads the play and finds Miralem Pjanić in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Miralem Pjanić plays it simple to Pavel Nedvěd, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Pavel Nedvěd puts it right into the feet of Mikheil Kavelashvili, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Miralem Pjanić spreads it to Roy Keane, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Roy Keane tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Roy Keane, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Rüştü Reçber launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Thomas Helveg after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Thomas Helveg to Mikheil Kavelashvili, faster than the opposition can think. Mikheil Kavelashvili gifts Paolo Maldini a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Thomas Helveg and Miralem Pjanić do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Thomas Helveg turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Mikheil Kavelashvili, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Mikheil Kavelashvili! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Mikheil Kavelashvili sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Mikheil Kavelashvili legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Aggelos Charisteas tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Pavel Nedvěd finds the gap and serves Aggelos Charisteas in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Aggelos Charisteas, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Johan Cruyff does not fancy the shot and goes short to Thomas Helveg, trying to disorganise the defence. Thomas Helveg beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Thomas Helveg rolls it to Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Mikheil Kavelashvili and Heinz Hermann blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Rüştü Reçber eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Pavel Nedvěd pulls Rüştü Reçber away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Miralem Pjanić takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Miralem Pjanić over the entire defence, Paolo Maldini finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Rüştü Reçber! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Rüştü Reçber to Thomas Helveg, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Roy Keane wants to push higher. Mikheil Kavelashvili reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Mikheil Kavelashvili, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Roy Keane, standing at 178, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Miralem Pjanić is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Miralem Pjanić delivers a tidy ball to Aggelos Charisteas, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Aggelos Charisteas that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Roy Keane sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Władysław Żmuda absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Mikheil Kavelashvili into Roy Keane, right into the boots. No waste. Roy Keane turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Władysław Żmuda. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Władysław Żmuda! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Johan Cruyff is beside himself. Tidy restart from Rüştü Reçber along the deck to Roy Keane, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Roy Keane shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Pavel Nedvěd chips his cross over the back line, Thomas Helveg is at the far post, free as a bird. Thomas Helveg goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Aggelos Charisteas finds Thomas Helveg between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Thomas Helveg switches the play to Roy Keane on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Roy Keane dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Roy Keane goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Pavel Nedvěd, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Pavel Nedvěd shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Pavel Nedvěd... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Rüştü Reçber eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Pavel Nedvěd pulls Rüştü Reçber away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Paolo Maldini. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Mikheil Kavelashvili! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Mikheil Kavelashvili takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Aggelos Charisteas follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

3-1 (W)

Quick one-two between Mikheil Kavelashvili and Aggelos Charisteas, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Ball across the ground from Aggelos Charisteas, it slides through the entire box and reaches Władysław Żmuda on the penalty spot. GOOOOAL! Władysław Żmuda places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Mikheil Kavelashvili, surgical finish!

Mikheil Kavelashvili falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Rüştü Reçber arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Sublime piece of skill from Pavel Nedvěd, he controls with his back and spins away. The crowd is on its feet. MAJESTIC GOAL from Pavel Nedvěd! He dribbles past half the opposition team and sends the ball into the net. UNFORGETTABLE!

Roy Keane throws himself into a kamikaze tackle and ends up in the advertising boards. The attacker carries on unbothered. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Mikheil Kavelashvili has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! Mikheil Kavelashvili converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Paolo Maldini with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Little shift from Paolo Maldini to Władysław Żmuda, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Killer ball from Władysław Żmuda through the gap! Mikheil Kavelashvili bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Władysław Żmuda plays the simple ball to Paolo Maldini, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Underhit ball from Paolo Maldini, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Miralem Pjanić, you have been outstanding. Paolo Maldini, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." The 68-year-old Heinz Hermann adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Heinz Hermann trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' And they are off! Paolo Maldini touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Stunning tackle by Roy Keane in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Mikheil Kavelashvili powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Cross from Mikheil Kavelashvili off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Thomas Helveg at the far side.

It's in the back of the net! Lagos No-Carry-Last celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Rüştü Reçber sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Rüştü Reçber, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Change of flanks from Aggelos Charisteas, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Thomas Helveg. Header won by Thomas Helveg, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Miralem Pjanić picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one.

Corner from Johan Cruyff and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Roy Keane clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football.

Driven kick from Rüştü Reçber to Roy Keane, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Roy Keane sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Heinz Hermann. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Heinz Hermann whips in a cross at head height, Miralem Pjanić anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

The corner from Johan Cruyff is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Władysław Żmuda boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Pavel Nedvěd launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Aggelos Charisteas, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Sideways ball from Aggelos Charisteas to Miralem Pjanić, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Miralem Pjanić tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

Victory! Mikheil Kavelashvili and Paolo Maldini lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Lagos No-Carry-Last have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Johan Cruyff dinks a lob over the defenders for Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball lands like a feather. GOOOAL! Mikheil Kavelashvili produces an OUTRAGEOUS scissor kick on the cross from Pavel Nedvěd! The ball rattles the net, the keeper did not even have time to move! Absolute MASTERPIECE!

It's hit the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque lead and we look completely lost.

Heinz Hermann plays the free kick as a cross, Pavel Nedvěd finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Aerial duel lost by Pavel Nedvěd, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. Rüştü Reçber tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Miralem Pjanić slides it to Thomas Helveg, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Thomas Helveg sends Aggelos Charisteas into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Burst of pace from Aggelos Charisteas on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Aggelos Charisteas lofts a cross into the box, Paolo Maldini is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Corner from Paolo Maldini, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear!

Johan Cruyff feeds Thomas Helveg in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Thomas Helveg keeps it short to Johan Cruyff, no frills, just good football intelligence. Crafty ball from Johan Cruyff into the gap, Thomas Helveg arrives into the space and collects on the move. Thomas Helveg peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Roy Keane's delivery. Free kick.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Pavel Nedvěd is livid, gesturing wildly. Rüştü Reçber chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Mikheil Kavelashvili once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 55, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Pavel Nedvěd high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The press from Mikheil Kavelashvili pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Mikheil Kavelashvili pounces. A forced gift. Mikheil Kavelashvili sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal. Rüştü Reçber distributes short to Paolo Maldini, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Roy Keane boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Roy Keane unleashes a raking ball out to Aggelos Charisteas, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Pavel Nedvěd tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. Shocking corner from Mikheil Kavelashvili, doesn't even make the box.

Johan Cruyff clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Władysław Żmuda gets across the near post first. Władysław Żmuda heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Aggelos Charisteas hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Just wide! Johan Cruyff struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Crossfield pass from Roy Keane to Mikheil Kavelashvili, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Ground pass from Mikheil Kavelashvili into the free zone for Miralem Pjanić, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Mikheil Kavelashvili goes crossfield to Aggelos Charisteas, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Aggelos Charisteas scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Inch-perfect tackle by Thomas Helveg, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Thomas Helveg to Roy Keane, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Roy Keane floats a cross in from the wing for Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball hangs in the box!

Perfect parity. Rüştü Reçber slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Mikheil Kavelashvili watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Everyone has gone up, even the centre-backs are camped in the opposition box. What a HEADER from Miralem Pjanić! The cross from Johan Cruyff was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

Miralem Pjanić climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Pavel Nedvěd films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The ball from Heinz Hermann rips through the defensive curtain, Aggelos Charisteas is flying into the space like an arrow. What composure from Aggelos Charisteas! On the pass from Heinz Hermann, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Heinz Hermann runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Mikheil Kavelashvili joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Instinctive clearance from Władysław Żmuda who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Free kick to the opponents. Roy Keane caught his man with a stray leg.

Aggelos Charisteas accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Simulation from Aggelos Charisteas, and quite rightly the referee shows the yellow card. The ref flashes yellow at Aggelos Charisteas, that dive was an insult to everyone's intelligence. Aggelos Charisteas whips the free kick into the box for Heinz Hermann, dangerous delivery!

Rüştü Reçber sends an absolute rocket towards Mikheil Kavelashvili, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Mikheil Kavelashvili spots Paolo Maldini in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Cross from Paolo Maldini, he puts it on the far post for Heinz Hermann. Cross from Heinz Hermann intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Miralem Pjanić. "That is your job. 36 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Remarkable little detail about Johan Cruyff — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 79 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The gaffer gives Mikheil Kavelashvili one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Mikheil Kavelashvili runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Cross after cross, corner after corner, the defence is creaking. Rüştü Reçber up with wings on his boots, his team pushing like never before. Władysław Żmuda rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Lovely use of the ball by Władysław Żmuda, finding Roy Keane in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Smooth transition from Pavel Nedvěd to Paolo Maldini, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Paolo Maldini lays it off first time to Johan Cruyff, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Body feint from Johan Cruyff, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. No joy for Johan Cruyff, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball.

Corner from Miralem Pjanić, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line! Mikheil Kavelashvili boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Rüştü Reçber sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Johan Cruyff photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Roy Keane reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Roy Keane throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Miralem Pjanić is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Mikheil Kavelashvili launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Thomas Helveg, it flies wide. Agonising.

Miralem Pjanić plays the one-two with Władysław Żmuda, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Miralem Pjanić plays it into the channel for Mikheil Kavelashvili, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Marginal offside called on Mikheil Kavelashvili, Aggelos Charisteas's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. Rüştü Reçber smashes a volley towards Thomas Helveg, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Huge aerial duel won by Thomas Helveg, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Level. Rüştü Reçber picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Pavel Nedvěd waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Aggelos Charisteas gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Lay-off from Johan Cruyff to Pavel Nedvěd, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. High recovery from Pavel Nedvěd who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Pavel Nedvěd takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Johan Cruyff legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mikheil Kavelashvili tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Corner from Heinz Hermann, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Great vision from Pavel Nedvěd who switches to Johan Cruyff. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The overlap from Johan Cruyff, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Ball loss from Johan Cruyff in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Heinz Hermann intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket.

Telepathic pass from Roy Keane to Władysław Żmuda, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Offside! Władysław Żmuda was barely ahead of the last man, Miralem Pjanić's ball was inch-perfect too! The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Roy Keane gives it to Aggelos Charisteas into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Heinz Hermann picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. Heinz Hermann fires wide, not far from the post though! Long kick from Rüştü Reçber, Roy Keane positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Magnificent leap from Roy Keane who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Rüştü Reçber reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Paolo Maldini cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." The entire squad confirmed that Aggelos Charisteas has a secret Love Island group chat where the 46-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 191, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' Right then, part two. Miralem Pjanić adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Monumental ball from Miralem Pjanić to Aggelos Charisteas, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Aggelos Charisteas opens up the space for Władysław Żmuda with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Incredible burst of pace from Władysław Żmuda, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Perfect low cut-back from Władysław Żmuda, the ball slides across the box and Roy Keane just has to finish.

Smooth transition from Heinz Hermann to Johan Cruyff, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Switch from Roy Keane! The ball arcs over the midfield and Paolo Maldini collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

It's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Firm pass from Władysław Żmuda into Thomas Helveg, right into the boots. No waste. Poor decision from Thomas Helveg on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Roy Keane produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Rüştü Reçber produces the perfect spread and blocks the strike at the feet! The attacker had nothing. Quick throw from Rüştü Reçber to Heinz Hermann out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Heinz Hermann senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Extraordinary run from Heinz Hermann, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box.

Nightmare! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Thomas Helveg pings a long diagonal to Pavel Nedvěd, completely shifts the point of attack. Enormous leap from Pavel Nedvěd who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Pavel Nedvěd clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Stalemate at home. Heinz Hermann and Pavel Nedvěd embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

3-2 (W)

Lovely use of the ball by Johan Cruyff, finding Miralem Pjanić in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Miralem Pjanić strikes and the ball thuds off the post with a massive clang. The WHOLE stadium thought it was in! GOAL for Aggelos Charisteas! On the brilliant delivery from Pavel Nedvěd, he prods it into the empty net from 5 yards. Simple, but it is in!

Johan Cruyff stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Pavel Nedvěd follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Rüştü Reçber plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Roy Keane anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Roy Keane sees what nobody else sees and puts Heinz Hermann through on goal with a genius through ball. Heinz Hermann pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Roy Keane runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Pavel Nedvěd gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Roy Keane rolls it to Thomas Helveg, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. High recovery from Thomas Helveg, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Thomas Helveg follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Mikheil Kavelashvili! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Rüştü Reçber distributes by hand to Miralem Pjanić on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Miralem Pjanić steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Firm pass from Miralem Pjanić into Aggelos Charisteas, right into the boots. No waste.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Miralem Pjanić gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Miralem Pjanić gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Aggelos Charisteas is there to meet it. Aggelos Charisteas just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Mikheil Kavelashvili... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Johan Cruyff is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Władysław Żmuda. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." The 55-year-old Thomas Helveg has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 182, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Second half underway and Heinz Hermann is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Heinz Hermann uses Paolo Maldini as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Heinz Hermann burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Heinz Hermann tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Brilliant tackle from Pavel Nedvěd! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Massive clearance from Pavel Nedvěd, just get the ball as far away as possible.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Heinz Hermann sends the free kick in front of goal, Paolo Maldini leaps to try the header. Rüştü Reçber grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Paolo Maldini sets it for Heinz Hermann, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ball into space from Heinz Hermann, Aggelos Charisteas just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Aggelos Charisteas strays offside by half a boot on Władysław Żmuda's pass, brutal decision!

Monster clearance from Rüştü Reçber, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Heinz Hermann. Heinz Hermann loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Diving save from Rüştü Reçber, he flies through the air and claws the shot away. Superb. Thomas Helveg launches himself on the corner from Heinz Hermann and powers a header but it is off target.

Roulette from Pavel Nedvěd in a tight space, he escapes an impossible situation with pure elegance. Pavel Nedvěd controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

They've nicked a goal! Rio Malandro FC catch us cold on the break.

Rüştü Reçber scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Thomas Helveg is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Corner from Johan Cruyff, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Enormous clearance from Heinz Hermann inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box.

Job done. Pavel Nedvěd and Władysław Żmuda stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Rio Malandro FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Sideways ball from Paolo Maldini to Thomas Helveg, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Thomas Helveg flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Curled effort from Thomas Helveg on the pass from Aggelos Charisteas, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Heinz Hermann meets the cross from Mikheil Kavelashvili with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

Heinz Hermann runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Rüştü Reçber tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Rüştü Reçber bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. Rüştü Reçber rolls it short to Miralem Pjanić into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Miralem Pjanić finds Thomas Helveg on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Pavel Nedvěd rolls it to Władysław Żmuda, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Władysław Żmuda barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Yellow card for Władysław Żmuda, the third foul in quick succession. Referee had no option. The wall does its job! Władysław Żmuda's free kick is stopped dead. Emergency clearance from Roy Keane, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Rüştü Reçber. Thomas Helveg is on his knees clapping, Rüştü Reçber is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Pavel Nedvěd. And you, Paolo Maldini. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Mikheil Kavelashvili attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 55-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Władysław Żmuda leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Sublime through ball from Pavel Nedvěd for Miralem Pjanić who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Pavel Nedvěd threads it through to Miralem Pjanić, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Johan Cruyff pings a ridiculous diagonal to Władysław Żmuda. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Rüştü Reçber goes long for Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Mikheil Kavelashvili rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Mikheil Kavelashvili charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Pull-back from Mikheil Kavelashvili inside the area for Roy Keane, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. WHAT A STOP from Rüştü Reçber! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Raw emotion: Rüştü Reçber cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Thomas Helveg crouches beside him and speaks softly. Rüştü Reçber jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Great vision from Mikheil Kavelashvili who finds Roy Keane in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

Pavel Nedvěd looks up and launches a long pass towards Aggelos Charisteas. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Huge tackle from Aggelos Charisteas! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Lay-off from Aggelos Charisteas to Pavel Nedvěd, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Pavel Nedvěd puts Roy Keane into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Tight offside call against Roy Keane, the assistant raises his flag. Mikheil Kavelashvili protests furiously.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Heinz Hermann lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Miralem Pjanić beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Miralem Pjanić drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Władysław Żmuda read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Władysław Żmuda lets rip and sends it to the moon. No other way to describe that. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Share of the spoils. Paolo Maldini walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Johan Cruyff throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Istanbul Cehennem FK probably walk away happier than we do. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Blistering run from Miralem Pjanić on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Neat lay-off from Miralem Pjanić for Pavel Nedvěd in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Pavel Nedvěd touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Miralem Pjanić scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Heinz Hermann is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Miralem Pjanić takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. PENALTY awarded! Miralem Pjanić enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOAL! Miralem Pjanić produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Miralem Pjanić mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Aggelos Charisteas plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Rüştü Reçber plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAAAL! Milano Piano-Piano make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Rüştü Reçber hoofs it forward towards Aggelos Charisteas, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Aggelos Charisteas fires the ball over to Roy Keane with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Commanding header from Roy Keane who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Roy Keane did not budge an inch.

Corner from Pavel Nedvěd, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Almighty boot from Thomas Helveg who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Aggelos Charisteas stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Pavel Nedvěd bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Władysław Żmuda's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 72 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Aggelos Charisteas has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Johan Cruyff to Mikheil Kavelashvili, instant return, and Johan Cruyff is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Johan Cruyff overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Johan Cruyff tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Pavel Nedvěd puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Big clearance from Pavel Nedvěd under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Step-overs from Mikheil Kavelashvili, the defender has lost the ball completely. VAR would have a field day with that. Mikheil Kavelashvili clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for Mikheil Kavelashvili, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels Mikheil Kavelashvili's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Corner from Mikheil Kavelashvili, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

Powerful run from Mikheil Kavelashvili, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Mikheil Kavelashvili tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

That's a beauty from Paolo Maldini! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Paolo Maldini hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Thomas Helveg sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Thomas Helveg covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Thomas Helveg wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. Interception from Johan Cruyff who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Johan Cruyff.

That's what it MEANS! Roy Keane rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Rüştü Reçber catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Miralem Pjanić does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Miralem Pjanić embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Miralem Pjanić onto the pass from Pavel Nedvěd, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Solidarity move: Miralem Pjanić grabs Pavel Nedvěd who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Pavel Nedvěd a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Władysław Żmuda thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Long ball from Rüştü Reçber for Paolo Maldini who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Paolo Maldini wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Powerful run from Paolo Maldini down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

What a mess after Miralem Pjanić's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Mikheil Kavelashvili launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Mikheil Kavelashvili swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Aggelos Charisteas, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Acceleration from Aggelos Charisteas down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Silly ball loss from Aggelos Charisteas, the dribble was one too many in that area. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Mikheil Kavelashvili, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Mikheil Kavelashvili takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest Roy Keane received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 55-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Rüştü Reçber is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Johan Cruyff swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Johan Cruyff drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. CRAAACKER from Johan Cruyff outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Rüştü Reçber plays it along the ground to Władysław Żmuda, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Heinz Hermann puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Devastating burst of pace from Johan Cruyff, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Roy Keane pierces the backline with a low through ball, Miralem Pjanić latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Strike from Miralem Pjanić that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Rüştü Reçber lumps it long towards Heinz Hermann, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Heinz Hermann slips Miralem Pjanić in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Ferocious press from Miralem Pjanić! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Rüştü Reçber opts for the short option to Paolo Maldini, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Paolo Maldini powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Wing switch from Miralem Pjanić, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Władysław Żmuda brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Władysław Żmuda goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Władysław Żmuda puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Władysław Żmuda fires a low ball back across the box for Roy Keane, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Roy Keane fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by Heinz Hermann, finding Miralem Pjanić in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Miralem Pjanić delivers a tidy ball to Aggelos Charisteas, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Body feint from Aggelos Charisteas, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Aggelos Charisteas tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Paolo Maldini signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Roy Keane adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Superb defensive work from Władysław Żmuda there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOAL! What a LOB from Aggelos Charisteas! On the pass from Mikheil Kavelashvili, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Władysław Żmuda runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Aggelos Charisteas gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Rüştü Reçber plays out from the back with Roy Keane, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Brilliant switch of play from Roy Keane! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Pavel Nedvěd. Aerial duel won by Pavel Nedvěd, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Thomas Helveg launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Clearance from Thomas Helveg under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The opponent gets the better of Roy Keane in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Lovely claim from Rüştü Reçber! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Heinz Hermann decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Heinz Hermann tries to dribble past his marker but the ball escapes him. The defender pounces. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Roy Keane sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Władysław Żmuda sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Roy Keane nods but does not look up. The 53-year-old Rüştü Reçber reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 186, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Paolo Maldini is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Enormous anticipation from Paolo Maldini who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Diagonal from Paolo Maldini to Pavel Nedvěd, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Masterful aerial duel from Pavel Nedvěd, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Pavel Nedvěd is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Pavel Nedvěd was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Władysław Żmuda to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Władysław Żmuda brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Władysław Żmuda is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. Free kick blocked by the wall! Władysław Żmuda couldn't find a way through. Corner from Thomas Helveg into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

Paolo Maldini with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Paolo Maldini gives it to Pavel Nedvěd into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Overlap from Pavel Nedvěd with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Short build-up from Pavel Nedvěd to Thomas Helveg, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from Roy Keane in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Władysław Żmuda spreads it to Mikheil Kavelashvili, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. A tug on the shirt from Mikheil Kavelashvili, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

Aggelos Charisteas anticipates the run from Heinz Hermann and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Heinz Hermann winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Heinz Hermann rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Mikheil Kavelashvili. The far side is completely deserted.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Mikheil Kavelashvili changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Roy Keane. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Roy Keane springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Roy Keane plays it simple to Pavel Nedvěd, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Paolo Maldini sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Władysław Żmuda crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

3-2 (W)

Tactical foul by Paolo Maldini, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. The ref brandishes the yellow. Paolo Maldini committed a premeditated foul to stop the fast break. What TECHNIQUE from Paolo Maldini! Free kick curled to perfection, the ball dies in the far top corner. GOAL!

Paolo Maldini kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Thomas Helveg takes a knee behind him. Rüştü Reçber raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Magnificent reading of the game from Władysław Żmuda, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. One laser pass from Władysław Żmuda and the entire defence is eliminated, Roy Keane is through on goal. The space is enormous. GOOOOOAL! Roy Keane was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Władysław Żmuda ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Miralem Pjanić leaps over him. Rüştü Reçber walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Oh dear oh dear! London Three-Pints score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Rüştü Reçber slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Thomas Helveg photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

High recovery from Johan Cruyff after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. GOOOAL! Johan Cruyff pops up at the back post, the keeper was on the floor, he toes the ball in. GOOOAL!

Nutmeg from Mikheil Kavelashvili on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Horrific challenge from Mikheil Kavelashvili! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Booking for Mikheil Kavelashvili. Swung his boot at head height, the opponent had to duck out of the way. The free kick is taken quickly, Mikheil Kavelashvili to Heinz Hermann who drives forward immediately. Short build-up from Heinz Hermann to Władysław Żmuda, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Johan Cruyff has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Władysław Żmuda is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Thomas Helveg has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 55, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Rüştü Reçber is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Little shift from Pavel Nedvěd to Paolo Maldini, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Rapid combination: Mikheil Kavelashvili to Thomas Helveg, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pass into no-man's land from Thomas Helveg, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. What positioning from Heinz Hermann! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Heinz Hermann feeds Władysław Żmuda in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Władysław Żmuda slides it to Paolo Maldini, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Thomas Helveg throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Firm pass from Thomas Helveg into Mikheil Kavelashvili, right into the boots. No waste. Lovely use of the ball by Mikheil Kavelashvili, finding Miralem Pjanić in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Overlap on the left from Miralem Pjanić, floated cross towards Aggelos Charisteas who rises highest at the far post. The cross from Aggelos Charisteas is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky.

Oh no, it's in! London Three-Pints punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Rüştü Reçber plays it short to Heinz Hermann, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Long ball from Heinz Hermann to Mikheil Kavelashvili, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Dominant header from Mikheil Kavelashvili on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Roy Keane cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Solo run from Roy Keane, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Roy Keane puts the ball right into the path of Johan Cruyff, played to the inch, the space is found.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Shot from Aggelos Charisteas, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

FULL TIME! Thomas Helveg jumps on Rüştü Reçber's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. London Three-Pints shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.