My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. GOOOAL! Elif Sanchez spots the keeper off his line and chips the ball over him! That is RARE intelligence, perfect lob, the ball dies in the net!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Elif Sanchez arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Joe Biden slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Decisive interception from the tv host, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Bonnie Blue links up with Johnny Sins, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Superb pass from Johnny Sins into the gap for Joe Biden, the defender is rooted to the spot. Joe Biden tries a crossfield ball to Bonnie Blue but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. Kushagra Singh charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Kushagra Singh threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Joe Biden bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. What a hit from Joe Biden! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The tv host catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The tv host is cautioned for accumulated fouls. A booking in that position could cost the team dearly. Free kick blocked by the wall! Bonnie Blue couldn't find a way through.

Donald Trump lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Yuli Chen lays it off first time to Donald Trump, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Bad pass from the investor, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Mia Khalifa is hoarding the fried eggs. Johnny Sins is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." The 27-year-old Bonnie Blue adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Bonnie Blue trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Jeffery N. Epstein is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. The stunt performer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The jujutsu sorcerer switches the play to Kushagra Singh, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Backpass from Kushagra Singh goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. The tv host produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The tv host finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Joe Biden clean through. Pure genius from that position. Joe Biden curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

The tv host positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Good ball from Bonnie Blue to Kushagra Singh, playing it quick between the lines. Kushagra Singh unleashes a raking ball out to Jeffery N. Epstein, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Lovely use of the ball by Jeffery N. Epstein, finding Mia Khalifa in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

OHHH Elif Sanchez drags the attacker back by the jersey, blatant foul! Booking for the singer, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline. The free kick from Elif Sanchez is wayward, goes wide and ends up nowhere near the goal.

The tv host intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Three points in the bag! Mia Khalifa sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Satoru Gojo drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Donald Trump throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. GOOOAL from the jujutsu sorcerer! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

Donald Trump scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Satoru Gojo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The singer produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Short pass from the singer to Mia Khalifa, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Shot from Mia Khalifa, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Victor Wembanyama distributes by hand to Satoru Gojo on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Sombrero from Satoru Gojo right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. The jujutsu sorcerer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Satoru Gojo drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Donald Trump. OHHH Donald Trump rises and heads it just wide! That was so close! Victor Wembanyama goes long for Yuli Chen, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Satoru Gojo slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. The free kick is played short by Satoru Gojo to Bonnie Blue, smart approach that.

Oh no, México No-Era-Penal have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

'I told you so' mode. Victor Wembanyama eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Donald Trump pulls Victor Wembanyama away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Donald Trump. "That is your job. 80 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Despite the wages, Yuli Chen insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 28 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Victor Wembanyama wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Kushagra Singh launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Jeffery N. Epstein, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Yuli Chen puts it right into the feet of Elif Sanchez, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Elif Sanchez puts Bonnie Blue into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Burst of pace from Bonnie Blue on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Shirt tug from the tv host, not subtle at all, the ref saw everything.

The researcher roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Blatant dive from the researcher, the defender didn't touch him. Yellow card, and rightly so. Kushagra Singh cautioned for diving, he threw himself down and the ref threw the book at him. The free kick from Kushagra Singh lands right on Johnny Sins in the heart of the box. What a delivery!

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Jeffery N. Epstein picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. The researcher goes for the tackle and misses the lot. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Straight red for Elif Sanchez! He was the last man and he brought down the attacker bearing down on goal.

Neat one-two between Elif Sanchez and Yuli Chen, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. Elif Sanchez gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Johnny Sins just needs to sidefoot it home. Victor Wembanyama gets a hand from nowhere and diverts the shot! So close to a goal but the keeper says no. Victor Wembanyama takes his time and plays it short to Donald Trump. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Donald Trump floats a ball towards Joe Biden but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Victor Wembanyama sparks the transition with a quick throw to Mia Khalifa, the break is lightning fast. The stunt performer gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Yuli Chen with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Yuli Chen boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

Perfect parity. Kushagra Singh slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Johnny Sins watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Ferocious press from Jeffery N. Epstein! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Extraordinary run from Jeffery N. Epstein, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. Jeffery N. Epstein sends a LOB over the keeper and it is GOAL! The finish is of GENIUS simplicity, just a little touch and the ball does the rest. INFINITE class!

Jeffery N. Epstein falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Donald Trump arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Satoru Gojo turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Mia Khalifa. The defence did not even have time to blink. Mia Khalifa lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Long ball from Victor Wembanyama for Mia Khalifa who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Mia Khalifa fires the ball over to Yuli Chen with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The researcher dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Joe Biden slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. The university professor shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Satoru Gojo. Pure quality, as per usual. The opponent gets the better of the jujutsu sorcerer in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Victor Wembanyama gets a strong hand to it and turns the shot away. Top class save. What a keeper.

Donald Trump switches the play to Jeffery N. Epstein on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Jeffery N. Epstein sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Bonnie Blue in the thick of it. Wasted cross from the tv host, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Monumental ball from Jeffery N. Epstein to Joe Biden, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

They step up on every carrier, the opposition is absolutely smothered. Joe Biden sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. The investor reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Kushagra Singh claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Word from the training ground is that Victor Wembanyama brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 224 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' Yuli Chen trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Raid from Jeffery N. Epstein starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Jeffery N. Epstein dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. The ref shows yellow to Jeffery N. Epstein. That raised arm in the duel was out of order. Jeffery N. Epstein lays it off to Mia Khalifa from the free kick, little one-two to get around the wall.

The tv host slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Johnny Sins pings a long diagonal to Bonnie Blue, completely shifts the point of attack. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

Bonnie Blue puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Bonnie Blue pings a ridiculous diagonal to Satoru Gojo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Bonnie Blue dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. SO CLOSE! Satoru Gojo sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

Elif Sanchez beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The singer loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

It's all over and it's OURS! Victor Wembanyama leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Kushagra Singh picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Yuli Chen does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Yuli Chen places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Elif Sanchez falls to his knees bowing. Victor Wembanyama does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

It was bound to happen. Dakar Teranga FC score and honestly, we deserved that.

Jeffery N. Epstein plays the free kick short and fast to Johnny Sins, they catch everyone on the hop. Johnny Sins tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Shot miles off from the researcher, flies into the stands. In that role, these things happen, just needs to find the range next time.

Crucial intervention from the tv host, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Bonnie Blue plays it into the channel for Satoru Gojo, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Satoru Gojo is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Jeffery N. Epstein's pass deserved better than that.

Mia Khalifa rolls it back across the turf, Kushagra Singh is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. NOOOOO Kushagra Singh! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Donald Trump, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence. Victor Wembanyama hoofs it forward towards Mia Khalifa, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Kushagra Singh is biting {his} nails in the corner. Joe Biden stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Victor Wembanyama is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 22-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The second period begins and Joe Biden launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The free kick from Kushagra Singh is sent to the near post, Mia Khalifa rushes in to meet it. The stunt performer thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Raking ball from the jujutsu sorcerer to Joe Biden, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Kushagra Singh sends a wicked free kick into the area, Bonnie Blue is lurking with intent. Bonnie Blue launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Bonnie Blue was flying. The tv host lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

They push, they push, but the backline is holding firm for now. Yuli Chen launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Mia Khalifa, it flies wide. Agonising. Clearance from the basketball player towards Johnny Sins, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Driven kick from Victor Wembanyama to Mia Khalifa, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Enormous leap from the stunt performer who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Powerful run from Mia Khalifa down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Dangerous delivery from the researcher on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. HEADER from Kushagra Singh! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Corner from Yuli Chen, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Donald Trump boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Victor Wembanyama opts for the short option to Elif Sanchez, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Draw. Joe Biden takes the time to shake every Dakar Teranga FC player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Elif Sanchez follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-3 (L)

Free kick crossed in by the researcher into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. GOOOOOAL! Satoru Gojo climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Mia Khalifa and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Individual run from Mia Khalifa, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. GOOOOOOAL! Mia Khalifa meets the pass from Kushagra Singh and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Mia Khalifa arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Joe Biden slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Little shift from Bonnie Blue to Satoru Gojo, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Satoru Gojo bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Satoru Gojo loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Mia Khalifa anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Mia Khalifa hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Huge tackle from Bonnie Blue! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. One touch football: Bonnie Blue to Mia Khalifa, faster than the opposition can think. Mia Khalifa sends Kushagra Singh into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

The basketball player throws it out to Mia Khalifa, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Mia Khalifa opens up to Elif Sanchez on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Quick dribble from Elif Sanchez, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Victor Wembanyama gets shifted. Johnny Sins drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Despite the wages, Victor Wembanyama insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 22 and 224, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' And we are back underway! Kushagra Singh jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Victor Wembanyama boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Elif Sanchez! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Elif Sanchez tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. The basketball player climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Firm pass from Kushagra Singh into Joe Biden, right into the boots. No waste. Joe Biden finds Bonnie Blue between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

What a disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Victor Wembanyama runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Victor Wembanyama tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Mia Khalifa whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Satoru Gojo throws himself at it for a header. Victor Wembanyama plucks the ball out of the air with total assurance. The defence breathes, the keeper is watching. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Joe Biden along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Great vision from Joe Biden who finds Donald Trump in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. OH COME ON! Donald Trump is offside by a fraction, Jeffery N. Epstein's through ball was absolutely perfect.

It's in the back of the net! Douala Makossa-Corner celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Victor Wembanyama ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Johnny Sins leaps over him. Victor Wembanyama walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

High recovery from Elif Sanchez, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. The singer bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Elif Sanchez plays it simple to Jeffery N. Epstein, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Superb diagonal from the researcher to Elif Sanchez, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Elif Sanchez accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

They've scored again! Douala Makossa-Corner are running riot and we can't cope.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Satoru Gojo brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The jujutsu sorcerer dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Donald Trump stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Victor Wembanyama walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Douala Makossa-Corner are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

The researcher trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The researcher floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. The university professor meets the cross from Elif Sanchez with his head and scores! GOOOAL! In that position, that aerial game is an insane weapon.

Kushagra Singh mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Yuli Chen plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Jeffery N. Epstein has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

Jeffery N. Epstein and Yuli Chen do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Victor Wembanyama arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Johnny Sins thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Wing switch from Donald Trump, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Satoru Gojo brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Satoru Gojo puts the ball right into the mixer, Kushagra Singh arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. The attacker crushes Kushagra Singh in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Kushagra Singh was helpless. OHHH the take from Victor Wembanyama! He climbs above the melee and gathers the ball. Boss stuff.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Corner from Kushagra Singh, Mia Khalifa takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. Victor Wembanyama fires it out quickly by hand to Mia Khalifa, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Lightning overlap from Mia Khalifa, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Mia Khalifa crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Kushagra Singh is there to meet it.

The physio works on Satoru Gojo's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Satoru Gojo, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Joe Biden, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Kushagra Singh claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 28 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And the second half is go! Mia Khalifa charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

The university professor plays it simple to Elif Sanchez, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Diagonal from Elif Sanchez to Joe Biden, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Pinpoint delivery from the university professor towards Yuli Chen, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Mia Khalifa shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied. Corner from Joe Biden but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Instinctive clearance from Donald Trump who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

The corner from Yuli Chen is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. The university professor launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Mia Khalifa shapes to shoot but plays it short to Johnny Sins, the defence is caught flat-footed. Wide from the tv host! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. The researcher sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

GOAAAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Victor Wembanyama, arms out like an aeroplane. Satoru Gojo follows in like he's skiing. Victor Wembanyama arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Victor Wembanyama rolls it short to Johnny Sins into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Johnny Sins wants to play it quick but the pass to Bonnie Blue is wayward, lacking any precision. Perfectly executed challenge by Kushagra Singh, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Kushagra Singh launches it to Satoru Gojo on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Inch-perfect cross from Satoru Gojo, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Jeffery N. Epstein at the back post.

Emergency clearance from Donald Trump, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Good ball from the tv host to Mia Khalifa, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Turnover from Mia Khalifa, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff.

Draw. Victor Wembanyama sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Johnny Sins waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

Donald Trump to Joe Biden, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. MAJESTIC GOAL from Joe Biden! Long-range left-footed strike from 25 yards, the keeper was a spectator. UNDEFENDABLE!

Donald Trump kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Johnny Sins takes a knee behind him. Victor Wembanyama raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Oh it's gone in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. The tv host cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Bonnie Blue. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The tv host lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

It's there! Barranquilla Toque-Toque tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Lovely anticipation from the investor who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The investor opens up to Yuli Chen on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Yuli Chen with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff.

The gaffer pulls up Barranquilla Toque-Toque's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Victor Wembanyama, you have the pace. Johnny Sins, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Remarkable little detail about Satoru Gojo — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 37 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Victor Wembanyama trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Corner from Yuli Chen, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! OHHH Joe Biden unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

The tv host lays it off first time to Jeffery N. Epstein, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Jeffery N. Epstein gives it to Donald Trump into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The investor misplaces his pass to Elif Sanchez, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. The researcher reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. The investor puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Magnificent tackle from Donald Trump! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger.

Lovely interception from Joe Biden, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. The researcher lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Victor Wembanyama smashes a volley towards Mia Khalifa, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Mia Khalifa with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Good ball from the stunt performer to Satoru Gojo, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Stunning tackle by Johnny Sins in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Johnny Sins slides it to Jeffery N. Epstein, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. One laser pass from Jeffery N. Epstein and the entire defence is eliminated, Bonnie Blue is through on goal. The space is enormous.

Short corner from Mia Khalifa to Johnny Sins, they're looking for a better crossing angle. The tv host bends the ball into the box for Joe Biden. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The university professor gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. The basketball player goes long for Joe Biden, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Joe Biden takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Points shared with Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Johnny Sins slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Kushagra Singh has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

High recovery from Satoru Gojo, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Mia Khalifa pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

They've done it! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Raw emotion: Victor Wembanyama cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Mia Khalifa crouches beside him and speaks softly. Victor Wembanyama jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Yuli Chen delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Jeffery N. Epstein is there to receive. The researcher sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Corner cleared by the defence, the university professor was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Superb diagonal from the stunt performer to Jeffery N. Epstein, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Oh dear oh dear! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Victor Wembanyama fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Yuli Chen plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Kushagra Singh puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Jeffery N. Epstein comes steaming in. The researcher tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Lifesaving clearance from Mia Khalifa! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Aerial duel lost by Mia Khalifa, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Johnny Sins has not moved since sitting down. Jeffery N. Epstein is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." We're told that Elif Sanchez once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Elif Sanchez takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Well spotted by Bonnie Blue who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Kushagra Singh strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

It's there! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Victor Wembanyama arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Donald Trump slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Superb defensive work from Donald Trump there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Donald Trump keeps it short to Johnny Sins, no frills, just good football intelligence. Brilliant switch of play from Johnny Sins! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Elif Sanchez.

Elif Sanchez swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Mia Khalifa, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. That is a tackle of the highest order from Mia Khalifa. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Ball in behind from the stunt performer, Jeffery N. Epstein is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Jeffery N. Epstein has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Big clearance from Donald Trump under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Good ball from the tv host to Yuli Chen, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Satoru Gojo feeds Joe Biden in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Good cross from the university professor for Bonnie Blue in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The tv host misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. The basketball player finds Mia Khalifa with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The stunt performer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Joe Biden. Pure quality, as per usual.

Short pass from the stunt performer to Joe Biden, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Free kick conceded by Joe Biden, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Joe Biden is booked for repeated fouls. Should have come five minutes ago, honestly. Joe Biden's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well. Joe Biden scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

Mia Khalifa explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. PENALTY! Mia Khalifa is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. IT'S MISSED! Mia Khalifa sends his penalty wide of the frame. The pressure has done its job.

A loss that will linger. Joe Biden drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Mia Khalifa texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Short pass from the tv host to Joe Biden, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Joe Biden flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Joe Biden picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

The researcher lays it off first time to Kushagra Singh, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Poor decision from Kushagra Singh on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Enormous anticipation from Kushagra Singh who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Quick one-two between Kushagra Singh and Elif Sanchez, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Elif Sanchez plays the simple ball to Donald Trump, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Lovely anticipation from the tv host who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Bonnie Blue absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. The singer switches the play to Mia Khalifa, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Donald Trump tries to pick out Kushagra Singh on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Decisive glance from Yuli Chen who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Joe Biden goes crossfield to Jeffery N. Epstein, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Jeffery N. Epstein wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Satoru Gojo. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Jeffery N. Epstein catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable.

Satoru Gojo rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Jeffery N. Epstein glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Yuli Chen has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 28, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Jeffery N. Epstein comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Victor Wembanyama comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Short restart from the basketball player to Johnny Sins, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Mia Khalifa burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Mia Khalifa sets up Donald Trump with a lay-off in the eighteen, nobody between the shooter and the goal. Effort from Donald Trump, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

What a block! Bonnie Blue slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Solo charge from Bonnie Blue, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Bonnie Blue puts Yuli Chen in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

Raking ball from the researcher to Johnny Sins, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The tv host reads the movement before anyone else and puts Joe Biden into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The university professor whips in a classic cross for Satoru Gojo in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Quick exchange between Donald Trump and Satoru Gojo, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The jujutsu sorcerer pulls it back along the ground for Yuli Chen. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Honours even. Johnny Sins swaps shirts with one of the Buenos Aires Pecho Frío lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Elif Sanchez, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

High recovery from Yuli Chen who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Brilliant pass from Yuli Chen! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Jeffery N. Epstein is onto it. The researcher sends a cannonball on the pass from Yuli Chen, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Solidarity move: Victor Wembanyama grabs Satoru Gojo who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Satoru Gojo a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Yuli Chen shifts it to Johnny Sins with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wall pass between Johnny Sins and Elif Sanchez, the combination comes off a treat. Johnny Sins switches to GENIUS MODE! Phenomenal slalom through the defence, and he finishes left-footed into the net. GOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Yuli Chen and Joe Biden stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Corner from Mia Khalifa and Yuli Chen rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The researcher finds Mia Khalifa along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Oh that's poor! Rio Malandro FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The pile at the corner flag. Victor Wembanyama is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Victor Wembanyama arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Victor Wembanyama is biting {his} nails in the corner. Kushagra Singh stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Here's one for the ages — Jeffery N. Epstein is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Second half underway and Satoru Gojo is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Mia Khalifa is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. The ball slips through Victor Wembanyama's gloves, parried into the middle! It is chaos in front of goal! Massive clearance from the researcher under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Good ball from the stunt performer to Kushagra Singh, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The researcher spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Donald Trump. That is exactly why he is out there.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Elif Sanchez rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Donald Trump. The far side is completely deserted.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Elif Sanchez winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Jeffery N. Epstein anticipates the run from Yuli Chen and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Offside against the researcher, who mistimed his run on Satoru Gojo's pass.

Joe Biden launches himself on the corner from Yuli Chen and powers a header but it is off target. Victor Wembanyama launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Donald Trump after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Careless distribution from Donald Trump, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Lightning press from Elif Sanchez, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Elif Sanchez tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Elif Sanchez leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Elif Sanchez picks up a yellow for cumulative offences. The patience well has run dry. Free kick from Elif Sanchez, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report. Short restart from the basketball player to Jeffery N. Epstein, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

A draw — that grey zone. Yuli Chen signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Victor Wembanyama adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

The researcher gets to the byline and floats one in for Mia Khalifa. Crossing is his bread and butter. Oh noooo not that! Mia Khalifa beats his own keeper from the cross by Jeffery N. Epstein! Dreadful own goal, he meant well but it is the worst possible outcome. The opposition bench cannot BELIEVE it.

Yuli Chen points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Johnny Sins comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Satoru Gojo rolls it to Bonnie Blue, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Good cross from the tv host for Jeffery N. Epstein in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Cross from the researcher deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. The basketball player goes long for Mia Khalifa, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Short build-up from Satoru Gojo to Joe Biden, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The university professor plays it simple to Jeffery N. Epstein, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dreadful pass from Jeffery N. Epstein, lands three yards away from the target. Yuli Chen can do nothing with that. Satoru Gojo sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Mia Khalifa bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The stunt performer lobs the entire defence with a chipped cross for Yuli Chen. That kind of technique is the hallmark of the very best. Lovely take from the basketball player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Victor Wembanyama finds Yuli Chen with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

CRAAACKER from Elif Sanchez outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! We wait, and we wait some more. VAR is dissecting every frame. The decision is coming. VAR sides with the singer! In that role, fouls often go unnoticed, so the video helps! Yuli Chen hits his penalty but it's pushed away by the keeper! He dived the right way. Tidy restart from Victor Wembanyama along the deck to Donald Trump, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Jeffery N. Epstein is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Joe Biden is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Elif Sanchez once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 28-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Joe Biden wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Satoru Gojo presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Wicked through ball from Satoru Gojo, the ball skims the grass and finds Mia Khalifa who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Absolutely immense from Mia Khalifa! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back.

Donald Trump throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. The investor finds Jeffery N. Epstein along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The researcher beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Jeffery N. Epstein clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Donald Trump gets across the near post first. HEAAAAADER from Donald Trump! He launches himself at the cross from Mia Khalifa but it goes just over!

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Victor Wembanyama plucks the cross like a proper keeper. No frills, just pure efficiency. The keeper is calm. Short restart from Victor Wembanyama to Satoru Gojo, building from the back nice and tidy. Satoru Gojo triggers a change of flanks for Bonnie Blue, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Clean lay-off from the jujutsu sorcerer to Bonnie Blue into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The stadium erupts but WAIT! Bonnie Blue is flagged offside from Johnny Sins's ball. Goal chalked off! Victor Wembanyama plays out from the back with Donald Trump, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Through ball from the researcher for Elif Sanchez, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Elif Sanchez sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Elif Sanchez dinks a lob over the defenders for Johnny Sins, the ball lands like a feather. Johnny Sins outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide.

The whistle blows and Donald Trump lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Bonnie Blue claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Jeffery N. Epstein finds the gap and serves Johnny Sins in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Johnny Sins looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Jeffery N. Epstein is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Victor Wembanyama arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Superb tackle from the investor, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Donald Trump spreads it to Bonnie Blue, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Sharp turn from Bonnie Blue, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Bonnie Blue clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Bonnie Blue goes into the book at last. The referee had warned him three times already.

Satoru Gojo does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Feint from Satoru Gojo, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Lay-off from Satoru Gojo to Johnny Sins, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Textbook tackle from Joe Biden there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Joe Biden delivers a tidy ball to Yuli Chen, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Yuli Chen attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Beautifully worked short corner from the researcher to Elif Sanchez. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. The singer finds Joe Biden along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Pass into no-man's land from Joe Biden, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Satoru Gojo rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Mia Khalifa glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Now Joe Biden — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 183, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Mia Khalifa spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The university professor switches the play to Yuli Chen, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Victor Wembanyama catapults the ball towards Donald Trump from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Attempted pass from Donald Trump to Bonnie Blue, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Johnny Sins shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Mia Khalifa. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. WHAT A SHAME for Mia Khalifa! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive clearance from Joe Biden, just get the ball as far away as possible. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Poor cross from the researcher, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Foul by the researcher, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Yuli Chen strikes but the wall stands firm, it's blocked. What a scramble from Mia Khalifa's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears!

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Mia Khalifa chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Nice combination started by the stunt performer from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Level at the final whistle. Victor Wembanyama and Johnny Sins walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Switch from Satoru Gojo! The ball arcs over the midfield and Mia Khalifa collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Mia Khalifa curls a cross to the near post, Donald Trump is lurking in the box. NOOOOOO Donald Trump! Own goal! The shot from Satoru Gojo was going wide but Donald Trump gets a touch and diverts it in! Without him the ball was going OUT! OH THE DONKEY, this is TERRIBLE!

Satoru Gojo finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Bonnie Blue plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Victor Wembanyama plays it along the ground to Johnny Sins, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Johnny Sins sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable.

Jeffery N. Epstein winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. The researcher gets his penalty thanks to VAR! It's the kind of decision that changes the game for a player in that position. Jeffery N. Epstein's penalty is saved! The goalkeeper dives magnificently and turns the ball away. Short restart from the basketball player to Johnny Sins, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

It's a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Victor Wembanyama mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Bonnie Blue plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Donald Trump stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Bonnie Blue cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Kushagra Singh is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 28-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' Here come the lads. Victor Wembanyama jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. Joe Biden produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Joe Biden puts Elif Sanchez into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Elif Sanchez unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. Elif Sanchez puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

The free kick from Jeffery N. Epstein is played with a deft touch to Johnny Sins, well-drilled combination. Rapid combination: Johnny Sins to Joe Biden, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pinpoint delivery from the university professor towards Satoru Gojo, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The basketball player tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable.

Great vision from Mia Khalifa who switches to Elif Sanchez. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Superb tackle from the singer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The singer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Joe Biden waits for a teammate's pass but doesn't move. Stalling. Joe Biden gets a caution for backchat. Needs to pipe down and get on with the game. The university professor puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Satoru Gojo thumps his header on the delivery from Kushagra Singh but it sails over.

Victor Wembanyama throws it out quickly to Jeffery N. Epstein, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Overlap from the researcher with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Jeffery N. Epstein goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Yellow card for Jeffery N. Epstein. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill.

Short free kick played by Kushagra Singh, Donald Trump receives at the edge of the box after the one-two. Shot from the investor, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Satoru Gojo opens up the space for Joe Biden with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Honours even. Jeffery N. Epstein finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Johnny Sins walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-3 (L)

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Yuli Chen crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Elif Sanchez is in the right place. The singer rises and plants his header on the cross from Jeffery N. Epstein! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Yuli Chen scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Satoru Gojo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Smooth transition from Donald Trump to Satoru Gojo, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Satoru Gojo sets it for Kushagra Singh, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The researcher takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Failed dribble from the researcher, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making.

Donald Trump heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Elif Sanchez jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Mia Khalifa gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Emergency clearance from the university professor, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

The corner from Kushagra Singh is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Elif Sanchez sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Yuli Chen. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Enormous leap from Yuli Chen who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Sideways ball from Yuli Chen to Mia Khalifa, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Wall pass between the stunt performer and Elif Sanchez, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Victor Wembanyama mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Kushagra Singh does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Joe Biden's eyes are bloodshot. Johnny Sins looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Now Jeffery N. Epstein — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 180, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Here come the lads. Satoru Gojo jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Long kick from Victor Wembanyama, Satoru Gojo positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The jujutsu sorcerer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

It's a goal for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Victor Wembanyama finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Mia Khalifa plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Superb tackle from the tv host, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Authoritative clearance from Johnny Sins in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The jujutsu sorcerer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Satoru Gojo sees what nobody else sees and puts Yuli Chen through on goal with a genius through ball. JUST WIIIIIDE from Yuli Chen! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

You can feel it coming any second, the stadium holds its breath. Victor Wembanyama running fifty yards to come and attack the back post. Kushagra Singh sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far. Clearance from the basketball player towards Kushagra Singh, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Victor Wembanyama lumps it long towards Satoru Gojo, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Satoru Gojo sends an aerial beauty to Jeffery N. Epstein, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Jeffery N. Epstein whips in a cross at head height, Kushagra Singh anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Three-man routine: Victor Wembanyama, Mia Khalifa and Victor Wembanyama do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

The investor bounces off Johnny Sins for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Nutmeg from Donald Trump on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. The investor plays it simple to Johnny Sins, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Johnny Sins charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

The tv host opens up to Donald Trump on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Smart pass from Donald Trump into the hole for Johnny Sins, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Acceleration from Johnny Sins down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Johnny Sins plays it back across the box for Donald Trump, the low cross is inch-perfect.

Lost it. Yuli Chen kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Satoru Gojo hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

The pace is ridiculous, players don't know where to turn next. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Kushagra Singh winds up and unleashes an APOCALYPTIC strike! The ball explodes in the goal, GOOOOOAL!

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. Victor Wembanyama right in the middle of the area, waving his hand for the ball. Donald Trump rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. The investor finds Yuli Chen along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Bonnie Blue slips Elif Sanchez in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Overlap and cross from Elif Sanchez, the ball drops at the feet of Joe Biden in the heart of the box. Joe Biden sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Victor Wembanyama sends an absolute rocket towards Satoru Gojo, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The jujutsu sorcerer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

The researcher puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Jeffery N. Epstein clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Long ball from Donald Trump to Bonnie Blue, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Bonnie Blue picks out Satoru Gojo with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Satoru Gojo swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating.

Oh what a challenge! Joe Biden goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Joe Biden embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. Ball loss from the university professor on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Classy interception from Kushagra Singh, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Johnny Sins winces. Elif Sanchez looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Donald Trump reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 80-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' The gaffer gives Victor Wembanyama one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Victor Wembanyama runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Three-man routine: Victor Wembanyama, Johnny Sins and Victor Wembanyama do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Johnny Sins hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Good ball from Bonnie Blue to Yuli Chen, playing it quick between the lines. The researcher does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. The researcher winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

Panicked clearance from Johnny Sins, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Kushagra Singh intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Big strike from the researcher, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Corner from Yuli Chen, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Jeffery N. Epstein strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

The tv host hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Johnny Sins shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Yuli Chen goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.