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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Detroit Engine-Roar14128
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest12324
3Boston Ring-Chasers12324
4San Antonio Skyscrapers11422
5Denver Horse-Track11422
6Cleveland Twin-Towers9618
7Houston Blast-Off8716
8New York Over-Timers7814
9Toronto Border-Patrol7814
10My Team6912
11Phoenix No-Defense51010
12Philadelphia Injury-Report51010
13Minnesota Ice-Wall4118
14Los Angeles Nursing-Home4118
15Orlando Magic-Beans3126
16Miami Heart-Attack2134

Pre-season

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Spider-Man. Profession? Superhero. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-127 (L)

Goku lands the first sky hook! First blood! The farmer strikes first!

Venom shoots an air ball in a boiling cauldron! A vigilante lost in the noise!

Goku throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure on the low block!

Keanu Reeves caught flat-footed! Standing still, the film producer reflexes took a nap!

Venom slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a vigilante hits the workbench!

Halftime whistle. Venom flops into the first available chair. I've been told Venom always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

This established star Terry Crews throws up a prayer facing the rim! Not answered!

Keanu Reeves grabs the shorts! This potential GOAT is running on fumes!

Terry Crews tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!

Venom is visibly upset! Upset as a vigilante when the unpunished villain goes sideways!

Venom tips the cap to the winners! The vigilante's grace with the unpunished villain!

Spider-Man looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Keanu Reeves looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

124-88 (W)

Opening possession for Goku! First touch, like first touch of the seed dibber!

Spider-Man finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!

Goku with the hockey assist! Setting up the play like a true farmer!

A thunderous slam! Venom cannot be stopped tonight! This dark horse is locked in!

Goku with the chase-down commanding rebound! What athleticism!

Halftime. Goku's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Goku knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Miami Heart-Attack's colors. By accident, obviously. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Spider-Man with freakish explosiveness finds the angle for a catch-and-shoot triple!

Keanu Reeves launches to yet another easy bucket! The floodgates opened!

Breaking: Goku caught cultivating during a timeout! The farmer never rests!

This all-time great Spider-Man rallies the crowd! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench from downtown! Deafening!

That's the game! Spider-Man finishes with a monster performance! This household name victorious!

Goku and Keanu Reeves stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Goku's name. Forgive me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

98-123 (L)

Goku steps onto the den! From cultivating the stubborn soil to this, game time!

Venom posts up but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!

Stolen from Goku! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!

Terry Crews scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Defense that's basically a suggestion!

Terry Crews drives to the rack for a floater! Can't contain this versatile guy!

Rest time. Keanu Reeves isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. The staff told me Keanu Reeves sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Spider-Man shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!

Goku misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!

Keanu Reeves rises up to the right spot! An off-the-charts basketball IQ off-ball movement!

Spider-Man is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a superhero would call it quits!

This living legend Keanu Reeves stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this living legend wanted.

Spider-Man walks head down toward the tunnel. Goku drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

102-95 (W)

Keanu Reeves stretches center court! Loosening up, the film producer is getting ready!

Terry Crews with another tear drop! You can't stop this man!

Terry Crews, this franchise guy, shuts down the play at the top of the key! Lockdown defender!

Venom finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic vigilante awareness!

Venom spaces the floor! Making room out there like a vigilante clears the workspace!

Break. Spider-Man collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. The staff told me Spider-Man sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Goku floats one at the top of the key! Delicate as a farmer with the seed dibber!

Spider-Man, this potential GOAT, waves the crowd up! An electric crowd rising!

Spider-Man adjusts on the fly! Quick thinking from this superhero!

This will be talked about for years! Venom with a euro-step! Iconic!

This all-time great Spider-Man is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!

Venom and Spider-Man carry Terry Crews like a trophy across the entire court. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-95 (W)

Spider-Man gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a superhero on day one!

This dude out of nowhere Venom does it again! A floater with effortless precision!

Keanu Reeves takes the ball right out of their hands! Grip of a film producer!

This max-contract guy Terry Crews with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!

Spider-Man pushes the pace in transition! Eyes in the back of the head showing in every play!

Break! Terry Crews has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Terry Crews plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Goku puts it through! The reliability of a farmer with the stubborn soil!

Terry Crews, this combo guard, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!

This player nobody saw coming Venom claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this player nobody saw coming!

They said a superhero couldn't play at this level. Spider-Man and their bare hands disagree!

Terry Crews tosses the rock in the air! A chest bump! This All-Star caliber talent mission accomplished!

Venom and Keanu Reeves attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Spider-Man films the whole thing. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

102-111 (L)

Keanu Reeves looks dialed in from the start! Natural-born leadership preparation showing!

Spider-Man can't finish! The superhero who finishes the game can't finish the play!

Venom turns it over in the money time! A vigilante dropping their rough justice at the worst time!

Goku lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this big-name player fooled!

Goku, this versatile guy, overpowers for a thunderous slam! Size matters!

Coach calls everyone back. Venom drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Venom entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Terry Crews slams the Wilson in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!

Keanu Reeves can't convert the open shot! Greenlighting the risky picture is way easier!

Venom exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their rough justice acumen!

Venom bends over during the dead ball! This surprise package gathering what's left!

Venom walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to vigilante life tomorrow!

Terry Crews pulls his cap down over his eyes. Keanu Reeves doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

124-94 (W)

Venom opens with a devastating dunk! This newcomer making an early statement!

This established star Terry Crews erupts for a catch-and-shoot triple! The floodgates are open!

Terry Crews, this do-it-all player, with the clutch drawn charge! The crowd is on its feet!

Goku launches the basketball with precision! Assist from way beyond the arc! Floor general!

Venom draws the double team! Attracting attention, the vigilante is a magnet out there!

The players head in. Goku slips on the wet tunnel floor. Bus driver's confession: Goku raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Goku banks a layup off the glass! Geometry learned from the farmer life!

Spider-Man throws the mouthguard to the crowd! Better than throwing the game!

Spider-Man sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this superhero!

A narrative for the ages: Spider-Man, the superhero who mastered their bare hands and the rock!

This top-tier talent Terry Crews thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!

Spider-Man does a belly slide on the court. Keanu Reeves does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

109-108 (W)

Keanu Reeves huddles with the team! Huddling up, the film producer strategizes!

Goku reads the play perfectly! That farmer brain working overtime!

Venom, this total unknown, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!

Goku, this All-Star caliber talent, threads the needle for a bucket from mid-range!

Keanu Reeves schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true film producer!

Rest. Terry Crews buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Juicy intel: Terry Crews turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

This generational talent Keanu Reeves with the heroic crucial offensive board! Preserves the lead!

This world-class player Terry Crews with a critical stop! A rebound in traffic when it counts!

The crowd waves the seed dibber replicas! Goku has started a movement!

Spider-Man with the gutsy reverse layup from downtown! Nerves of steel on full display!

Keanu Reeves takes the applause! Deserved, for a film producer with their loaded checkbook!

Spider-Man pretends to plant a flag at center court. Keanu Reeves stands at attention. Tonight I had a revelation: Keanu Reeves runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

93-104 (L)

This potential breakout star Venom in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential breakout star brings!

Spider-Man takes a tough deep three and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!

Terry Crews, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!

Goku can't stay in front! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't build lateral quickness!

Venom blows past with the precision of a vigilante at work. And it's a hook shot!

End of the second quarter. Goku is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Physio's confession: Goku purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Spider-Man pulls up angrily after the turnover! This global icon spiraling!

That one wasn't even close, Venom! Stick to hunting the unpunished villain!

Goku makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a farmer behind the stubborn soil!

Keanu Reeves is gassed! This hall-of-fame lock bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!

Spider-Man had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.

Spider-Man scratches the back of his neck nervously. Keanu Reeves has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

92-117 (L)

Spider-Man launches into position! This global icon not wasting any time!

Terry Crews with the off-balance double-clutch layup! This franchise guy couldn't set the feet!

This elite player Goku commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!

Goku fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a farmer chasing the stubborn soil!

Keanu Reeves pulls up and drills a buzzer-beater! Can't teach that!

First half is done. Spider-Man is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Rumor has it Spider-Man does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Spider-Man mouths off on the inbound pass! A superhero venting about the game!

A reverse layup attempt by Terry Crews falls short! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!

This total unknown Venom recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!

This franchise guy Terry Crews calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Ego the size of Texas taking its toll!

Goku walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!

Venom lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Goku decides not to comment. Tonight I had a revelation: Goku runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

91-108 (L)

Keanu Reeves gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!

This bonafide star Terry Crews puts up an off-balance shot but it won't fall! Off night!

Goku with the backcourt violation! A farmer going backwards with the stubborn soil!

Goku gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!

Venom lets fly and it's a catch-and-shoot triple! This newcomer proving the doubters wrong!

Halftime whistle. Keanu Reeves flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Keanu Reeves is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Terry Crews mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!

This multi-time All-Star Terry Crews whiffs on a devastating dunk! The crowd groans!

Goku reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this farmer!

Goku bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a farmer after the seed dibber overtime!

Despite the loss, Goku held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!

Goku stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Keanu Reeves exhales. Again. And again. Tonight I learned Goku used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

102-122 (L)

Keanu Reeves explodes with energy from the opening whistle! This absolute legend locked in!

A half-court heave from Keanu Reeves catches the back rim and pops out! So close!

Turnover by Venom! Hunting the unpunished villain requires less coordination, clearly!

Keanu Reeves gets posterized! A film producer framed by their loaded checkbook in the worst way!

Goku, this swiss-army-knife type, takes over from the right corner. A bucket! That's elite!

Break! Venom takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. True story: Venom had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Keanu Reeves vents at their teammates! The film producer who vents about the risky picture!

Venom takes off the damn ball into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!

This big-name player Terry Crews calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!

Goku, this reliable star, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!

Spider-Man fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the superhero gave everything!

Goku mutters while walking out. Terry Crews watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I had a revelation: Terry Crews runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

86-109 (L)

Spider-Man checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

Venom misses the open look! This diamond in the rough can't believe it! Heavy feet!

Venom commits the live-ball turnover! Their rough justice would be ashamed!

This guy with rings on every finger Keanu Reeves fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!

Terry Crews, this versatile guy, elevates for a monster scoop layup!

Intermission. Venom dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: Venom logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

This household name Spider-Man stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!

Venom misses! Even a vigilante can't fix that shot!

Venom, this combo guard, exploits the mismatch from way beyond the arc! Smart play!

Venom digs deep! Deep as a vigilante digs into the unpunished villain!

Goku consoles teammates! The heart of a farmer in that moment!

Spider-Man watches the crowd file out in silence. Keanu Reeves prefers not to look. Tonight I learned Spider-Man used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

104-100 (W)

Goku, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!

Goku, this versatile guy, locks down the attacker! Next-level basketball IQ on the defensive end!

Terry Crews with a wild attempt! This certified bucket not finding the range tonight!

Spider-Man nails a bucket at late in the quarter! A superhero who delivers when it matters!

Keanu Reeves, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!

Halftime whistle. Goku high-fives his teammates on the way out. True story: Goku had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Break's over, the players take their positions.

Goku with the go-ahead alley-oop! This world-class player seizes the moment!

Terry Crews, this all-around player, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!

Goku's fan section holds up the stubborn soil! The farmer army is loud!

Keanu Reeves with the dagger! Sharp as their loaded checkbook in a film producer's hands!

Spider-Man embraces teammates! The bond of competing the game together!

Terry Crews and Goku pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Behind the scenes, I learned Goku was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

93-125 (L)

Keanu Reeves, this global icon, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!

Goku gets blocked! Rejected harder than a farmer's worst day on the job!

Intercepted! Spider-Man's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!

Terry Crews, this solid build, gets dunked on at the top of the key! Poster material!

Venom with the smooth catch-and-shoot triple! This hidden prospect making it look easy!

Back in the locker room, Venom sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Venom knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Spider-Man, this undersized dog, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!

Terry Crews, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert along the baseline!

Goku creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, farmer-level thinking!

Spider-Man grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!

This multi-time All-Star Goku shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.

Goku claps his hands in frustration. Keanu Reeves clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

My Team ends the season #10 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Spider-Man.

🏀
#10
Rank
6W-9L
Record
-108
+/-
326
Team Score
6.7M$
Salary
Spider-Man
MVP

Season Journal

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!

There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.

His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.

Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Spider-Man. Profession? Superhero. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.

Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.

🏆

My Team ends the season #10 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Spider-Man.

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