My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Superman! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. The chef's surprise of the evening is Hulk. A scientist by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the hidden truth with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-116 (L)
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Goku can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this farmer!
Turnover by Goku! Cultivating the stubborn soil requires less coordination, clearly!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!
This generational talent Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime. Superman's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Physio's confession: Superman purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Hulk, this potential GOAT, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Galactus grabs the shorts! This dude out of nowhere is running on fumes!
Hulk penetrates into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Hulk explodes and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Jesus Christ hurls his water bottle at the wall. Goku flinches but doesn't react. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
113-91 (W)
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Hulk buries it! Discoverring the hidden truth all week, burying shots all weekend!
This unknown gem Galactus comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Galactus crosses over and creates! Another assist along the baseline! Quarterback!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Hulk to massage his thighs. Juicy anecdote: Hulk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Galactus with another finger roll! You can't stop this man!
The crowd chants Hulk's name! Immense pressure for the scientist with their lab notebook!
Goku rebounds and outlets! From board to bucket, this farmer does it all!
Scouts overlooked a farmer. They won't overlook Goku after tonight's the seed dibber show!
That's the game! Galactus finishes with a monster performance! This dark horse victorious!
Goku and Galactus pretend to fish Hulk out of the crowd. They pull hard. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-96 (W)
Tip-off! Superman gets us started! Let's go!
Hulk scores with their lab notebook, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Superman walls up in the left wing! Immovable as their bare hands bolted down!
Goku lobs it perfectly! Arcing it with precision worthy of the seed dibber!
Goku rises up to the right spot! Ridiculous creativity off-ball movement!
Break. Jesus Christ's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Staff confession: Jesus Christ is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Galactus goes coast to coast for a bank shot! This hidden prospect is relentless!
What a hostile crowd! Galactus and the fans creating a spectacle!
Hulk communicates on the switch! Clear as a scientist's directions!
The duality of Goku: farmer precision meets the ball artistry!
Superman delivers in this marquee showdown! The superhero shows up with their bare hands!
Superman and Hulk run circles around Goku who doesn't move. Zen. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-111 (L)
Hulk takes the court to an incredible energy! The scientist with their lab notebook is here!
Galactus fires a half-court heave off the pick and roll but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Hulk with the errant pass! This living legend needs to settle down!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Goku pours it in! A farmer who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
That's a cut. Goku stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Intel: Goku refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a messiah after a long shift!
Goku rushes a hook shot off the pick and roll! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Superman adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran superhero!
Goku steps back sluggishly! Tendency to force bad shots catching up with this jersey-selling name!
Galactus had the chances but couldn't convert. This raw talent left wanting.
Galactus has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Superman has aged ten years in forty minutes. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-111 (L)
Hulk steps onto the hardwood! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Superman dishes but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Galactus with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Jesus Christ converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Halftime. Hulk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Exclusive: Hulk was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Goku storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
Hulk posts up the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this franchise cornerstone!
Superman exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their bare hands acumen!
This absolute legend Superman is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Goku's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. I learned tonight that Goku used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-103 (W)
Hulk, this global icon, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
Galactus pulls up and drills an alley-oop! Can't teach that!
Goku with the chase-down brilliant anticipation! What athleticism!
Jesus Christ with the lob pass under the basket! This global icon to the teammate! Boom!
Hulk with the perfect cut! Precision of a scientist with their lab notebook!
Halftime! Superman walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Superman tried to impress the Los Angeles Nursing-Home players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This bonafide star Goku with a vintage pull-up jumper! The old magic is still there!
This first-ballot legend Hulk brings an electric crowd to a new level! Incredible scene!
Goku feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with farmer generosity!
Tears in the crowd as Jesus Christ, the humble messiah, delivers during crunch time!
This total unknown Galactus is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Galactus and Hulk stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
104-99 (W)
The game begins and Galactus is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over his face!
Superman recovers and blocks! That's the hustle of someone who works for a living!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert from the left corner!
A reverse layup by Jesus Christ facing the rim! Natural-born leadership in every fiber!
Goku pins the defender! Pinning them down with farmer authority!
Cut! Halftime. Galactus's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Staff confession: Galactus is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ forces overtime with a pull-up jumper! Extra time, like extra the game at work!
Hulk forces the shot-clock violation! Iron discipline on full display!
Standing ovation for Goku! The gym salutes the farmer and their seed dibber!
Jesus Christ dishes past everyone in overtime! A deep three! Legendary!
What a game for Superman! Tomorrow's the game will feel easy after this!
Galactus moonwalks across the hardwood. Superman attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Galactus's name. Forgive me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-96 (W)
Galactus takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this player nobody saw coming!
Jesus Christ a perfect contest with authority! This versatile guy protecting the paint!
Goku attacks the rock right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
A sky hook from downtown by Superman! This solid build with the long range!
This guy nobody was talking about Galactus recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Halftime! Goku checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know Goku entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Hulk with the clutch steal! Quick hands from this scientist!
Hulk, this versatile guy, with the clutch perfect contest! The crowd is on its feet!
The building is buzzing! Galactus and a hostile crowd creating magic!
This rising star Galactus with nerves of steel! A fadeaway jumper when it matters most!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ raises the arms! The win is in the books! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Galactus and Jesus Christ freestyle a victory rap. Goku does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-121 (L)
Galactus, this surprise package, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Goku turns it over at after a timeout! A farmer dropping the seed dibber at the worst time!
Goku loses their assignment! Like losing the seed dibber in the workshop!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Lack of consistency written all over his face!
Into the tunnel. Goku grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Goku tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
That one wasn't even close, Superman! Stick to competing the game!
Jesus Christ can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after this ball game!
Galactus with a wild pass that sails out! This who-is-this-guy player giving it away!
Galactus drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
This who-is-this-guy player Galactus leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Galactus is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Hulk waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-108 (L)
This absolute legend Superman in the starting lineup! Let's see what this absolute legend brings!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Galactus charges right into the defender! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion when controlling pace!
Jesus Christ can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Hulk, this solid build, elevates for a monster step-back three!
Well-deserved break. Superman looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Superman once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Hulk gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
Hulk bricks it! Not the same accuracy as discoverring the hidden truth!
Galactus, this dark horse, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a reverse layup!
Galactus, this do-it-all player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Hulk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a scientist after their lab notebook broke!
Superman walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Hulk speeds up. Wants it to be over. Tonight I learned Superman used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-133 (L)
Hulk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
This hidden prospect Galactus short-arms a double-clutch layup from the right corner! Not enough lift!
Hulk dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the scientist's finest moment!
Superman left in the dust! Even a superhero moves faster than that!
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Halftime! Jesus Christ looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Confession: Jesus Christ calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This household name Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far in the paint!
Hulk asks for the ball to slow the pace! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs air!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Galactus storms to the bench! This raw talent is visibly upset!
Goku tips the cap to the winners! The farmer's grace with the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ snaps at the bench on his way out. Galactus says nothing, but his look says everything. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jesus Christ's name. Forgive me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
104-102 (W)
Galactus, this smooth operator, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
Goku cuts off the drive! Precision of cultivating the stubborn soil!
This hidden prospect Galactus whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!
This first-ballot legend Hulk does it again! A step-back three with effortless precision!
Jesus Christ sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a messiah at work!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Superman asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Superman listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Jesus Christ comes alive in crunch time! The messiah instinct kicks in!
Superman denies the entry pass! No the game gets past this superhero!
Superman salutes the fans! Saluting the crowd, the superhero signs off in style!
Jesus Christ takes over in the first half! Dominating like a messiah who owns the room!
This global icon Hulk secures the win with silky smooth technique! Another one in the bag!
Hulk does a backflip. Well, he tries. Jesus Christ applauds the effort. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
98-121 (L)
Superman takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Jesus Christ can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
This certified bucket Goku with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Hulk, this tweener, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
Hulk blows past through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Rest time. Hulk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Hulk walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden truth under their breath!
Hulk with the ugly miss! The scientist touch is absent tonight!
Hulk uses that scientist IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Superman is gassed! This hall-of-fame lock bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Jesus Christ shakes hands through the pain! A messiah who respects their bare hands and the game!
Superman bites his lip, fists clenched. Hulk shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I learned that Superman's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
Goku looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
This generational talent Hulk misses the mark! A bucket goes begging from the right corner!
Galactus throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure at half court!
Hulk gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a scientist's worst day on the job!
Galactus slams the damn ball in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
The players head to the locker room. Hulk is sweating like a racehorse. True story: Hulk had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Superman, this tweener, gets the look in transition but the lid's on the rim!
This All-Star caliber talent Goku can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Hulk loses the ball! A scientist would never be this careless!
This hungry young player Galactus throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
Galactus's gaze is cold, distant. Hulk's gaze is hot, angry. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
99-125 (L)
Hulk announces themselves! The scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk shanks a reverse layup driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
Hulk goes to work into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Superman overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
Galactus, this combo guard, uses strength and skill for a thunderous slam! Complete player!
Back to the locker room. Goku punches his locker. Confession: Goku calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Superman, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
This household name Jesus Christ misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Superman with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic superhero misdirection!
Goku powers through! The farmer in them won't quit on the stubborn soil!
This total unknown Galactus shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Hulk chews his nails on the bench. Galactus stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Superman.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Superman! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Hulk. A scientist by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the hidden truth with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Superman.
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