My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by David Hovhannisyan · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Joep Lange. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Hornswoggle. Profession? Professional wrestler. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with steel chair, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into canvas ring could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Hamza lands the first bucket! First blood! The politician strikes first!
Davit Hovhannisyan with the contested step-back three from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Hamza gets the ball stripped! The public policy would have stayed in a politician's grip!
This solid pro Joep Lange bites on the fake! Beaten facing the rim!
This potential breakout star Jan Peters can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! Jan Peters looks in the mirror and shakes his head. They say Jan Peters has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Brick! Joep Lange misfires driving to the hoop! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Joep Lange is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure doctor stubbornness!
Joep Lange launches into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Davit Hovhannisyan slams the damn ball in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Joep Lange fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the doctor gave everything!
Davit Hovhannisyan's gaze is cold, distant. Joep Lange's gaze is hot, angry. I learned backstage that Joep Lange also does volunteer firefighter on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-123 (L)
Joep Lange spins with energy from the opening whistle! This well-respected player locked in!
A finger roll by Hamza at the top of the key is way off! Tough night for this player nobody saw coming!
Hamza with the errant pass! This dude out of nowhere needs to settle down!
Hornswoggle, this compact dynamo, fouls unnecessarily from the right corner! Occasional mental lapses!
Davit Hovhannisyan gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
That's a cut. Joep Lange stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Physio's confession: Joep Lange purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Joep Lange dishes the basketball into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Hamza, this unknown gem, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Joep Lange with the careless pass! Diagnosing the hidden ailment with more care, please!
This surprise package Davit Hovhannisyan fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
Jan Peters tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we digs better, like the deep mine!'
Davit Hovhannisyan claps his hands in frustration. Hornswoggle clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-108 (L)
The game begins and Hamza is ready! You can see that dawg mentality written all over his face!
Hornswoggle fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the canvas ring!
Joep Lange throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure from way beyond the arc!
Hornswoggle loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Joep Lange with a layup on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Halftime! Joep Lange checks his stats on the board and winces. Locker room anecdote: Joep Lange talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jan Peters, this diamond in the rough, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Jan Peters can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the orange differently than the deep mine!
Jan Peters uses a switch-everything defense brilliantly! Strategy from digging the deep mine!
Hamza calls for the sub! Even a politician's stamina with their campaign podium has limits!
Hornswoggle rises up to the tunnel in disappointment. This league veteran will learn from this.
Hamza hurls his water bottle at the wall. Joep Lange flinches but doesn't react. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
78-122 (L)
Hornswoggle wins the opening tip! Tipping off with professional wrestler energy!
Jan Peters misses the free throw! Digging the deep mine under pressure is easier!
Joep Lange charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Jan Peters overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
Jan Peters tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the miner will bounce back!
The players leave the court. Hamza clings to the tunnel railing. Juicy anecdote: Hamza was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This hidden prospect Davit Hovhannisyan whiffs on a sky hook! The crowd groans!
Joep Lange misses the rotation! Too tired, like a doctor too tired for the hidden ailment!
Hamza dribbles it off their foot! Their campaign podium would never betray a politician like that!
Jan Peters slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a miner hits the workbench!
This surprise package Davit Hovhannisyan congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this surprise package.
Hornswoggle sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jan Peters winces. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
73-117 (L)
Joep Lange, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This seasoned vet is in the building!
Jan Peters shoots an air ball in a Finals-like atmosphere! A miner lost in the noise!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
Jan Peters loses their assignment! Like losing their pickaxe in the workshop!
This up-and-coming baller Hornswoggle hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Rest. Jan Peters buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know? Jan Peters once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We're back! The players look fired up.
Davit Hovhannisyan, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Hornswoggle grabs the shorts! This player on the come-up is running on fumes!
Hornswoggle throws it out of bounds! Like launching the steel chair into the void!
Hamza, this diamond in the rough, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Joep Lange vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their stethoscope reinforced with the hidden ailment!
Hornswoggle unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Joep Lange runs a hand down his face. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-129 (L)
Jan Peters starts in the sharpshooter! Playing the sharpshooter way a miner plays with their pickaxe!
Joep Lange can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this established player!
Hamza coughs it up! A politician's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
Davit Hovhannisyan gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Hamza is visibly upset! Upset as a politician when the public policy goes sideways!
Coach calls everyone back. Jan Peters drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jan Peters fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jan Peters can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the deep mine, a miner always hits!
Joep Lange, this guy with a proven track record, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This unknown gem Davit Hovhannisyan with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Davit Hovhannisyan mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Hamza sits alone on the bench. This surprise package processing the defeat.
Davit Hovhannisyan refuses Los Angeles Nursing-Home's handshake. Hamza offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-126 (L)
Hamza stretches center court! Loosening up, the politician is getting ready!
A step-back three from Davit Hovhannisyan goes in and out! Heartbreaking on the low block!
Hamza with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost politician!
Hamza left in the dust! Even a politician moves faster than that!
Hornswoggle storms to the bench! This well-respected player is visibly upset!
Break time. Joep Lange bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Joep Lange knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Jan Peters rises up the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this hidden prospect!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this tweener, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This guy nobody was talking about Jan Peters gets pickpocketed facing the rim! Sloppy handling!
Joep Lange storms to the bench! Heated! This doctor doesn't handle losing well!
Jan Peters leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a miner after the deep mine setback!
Jan Peters pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Joep Lange takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-125 (L)
Hamza steps onto the hardwood! From shaping the public policy to this, game time!
Hamza misses the bunny! A politician dropping the public policy from point-blank!
Hornswoggle trips up in the high post! A professional wrestler never trips at work... Right?
This guy nobody was talking about Davit Hovhannisyan misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Hornswoggle, this undersized dog, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Halftime whistle. Joep Lange spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Joep Lange refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This total unknown Hamza misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging from the right corner!
Hornswoggle cramps up! Muscles tight from the steel chair and the basketball double duty!
Joep Lange loses the Spalding! A doctor would never be this careless!
Hornswoggle vents at their teammates! The professional wrestler who vents about the canvas ring!
Joep Lange had the chances but couldn't convert. This player making noise left wanting.
Davit Hovhannisyan mutters while walking out. Hamza watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-119 (L)
This respected competitor Joep Lange opens the scoring! An alley-oop! Early advantage!
Air ball from Hamza! Being a politician doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Hamza, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Injury-prone body in ball-handling!
Hornswoggle gets blown by! Even a professional wrestler couldn't stop that!
This league veteran Hornswoggle slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! Joep Lange heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Joep Lange tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hamza launches a sky hook and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
This diamond in the rough Davit Hovhannisyan signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this all-around player, gets stripped from downtown! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Jan Peters kicks the air! The frustration of a miner who knows they can do better!
Davit Hovhannisyan reflects on what could have been. Ego the size of Texas the difference tonight.
Joep Lange replays the score in his head on a loop. Jan Peters tries to think about something else. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-124 (L)
And we're underway! Joep Lange touches the orange first! This league veteran looks eager!
Hamza misses the open look! A politician never misses the public policy... But misses the damn ball!
Davit Hovhannisyan passes to nobody! This total unknown with a head-scratching decision!
Joep Lange gets screened out of the play! This well-respected player lost in traffic!
This who-is-this-guy player Hamza shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime! Jan Peters checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Jan Peters had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Joep Lange posts up but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Hamza asks for the ball to slow the pace! This total unknown needs air!
Hornswoggle turns it over during crunch time! A professional wrestler dropping the steel chair at the worst time!
Hornswoggle walks away muttering! Muttering about the canvas ring under their breath!
Joep Lange takes the loss hard! Hard as the hidden ailment on a bad doctor day!
Joep Lange's gaze is cold, distant. Jan Peters's gaze is hot, angry. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Joep Lange gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a doctor on day one!
Jan Peters rattles in and out! The deep mine never teases a miner like that!
Jan Peters dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the miner's finest moment!
Jan Peters gives up the easy bucket! Easier than digging the deep mine!
Hornswoggle, this dude putting the league on notice, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Well-deserved break. Jan Peters looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Jan Peters tried to impress the New York Over-Timers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
That one wasn't even close, Hamza! Stick to shaping the public policy!
Joep Lange leans on their knees! Gassed, but the doctor keeps going!
Hornswoggle loses the leather in traffic! This next-level player can't afford that!
Joep Lange mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A doctor venting about the hidden ailment!
Hornswoggle looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a professional wrestler!
Hornswoggle refuses the coach's embrace. Hamza accepts it but his body is stiff. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
91-132 (L)
Tip-off! Davit Hovhannisyan gets us started! Let's go!
Hamza gets a clean look but hot head costs the bucket!
Sloppy handling by Joep Lange! Diagnosing the hidden ailment is done with more finesse!
Hornswoggle gets screened out! Stuck behind the steel chair like it's a wall!
Hamza glares at the scoreboard! This dude out of nowhere not happy with the situation!
Break! Hamza heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Quick anecdote about Hamza: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Jan Peters crosses over the orange right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
Joep Lange is gassed! More tired than after a full day of diagnosing the hidden ailment!
This who-is-this-guy player Davit Hovhannisyan with turnover number buckets! Defense that's basically a suggestion is piling up!
Jan Peters pulls up angrily after the turnover! This unknown gem spiraling!
This diamond in the rough Davit Hovhannisyan leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Joep Lange refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Davit Hovhannisyan offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-120 (L)
Davit Hovhannisyan opens with a step-back three! This dude out of nowhere making an early statement!
Joep Lange launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the hidden ailment, and it shows!
Hamza coughs up the damn ball! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Joep Lange, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
Hamza, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
End of the first half. Davit Hovhannisyan is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Davit Hovhannisyan tried to impress the Boston Ring-Chasers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Joep Lange forces up a finger roll over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
Jan Peters asks for ice! Cooling down, even a miner's engine needs a rest!
This league veteran Joep Lange forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This next-level player Joep Lange stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this all-around player, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Joep Lange and Hamza share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
Joep Lange looks dialed in from the start! Eyes in the back of the head preparation showing!
Joep Lange clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their stethoscope hitting the hidden ailment!
This hidden prospect Jan Peters commits the 5-second violation! Clock management hot head!
Jan Peters can't stay in front! Digging the deep mine doesn't build lateral quickness!
Hamza buries their face! Hidden from view, the politician can't watch!
Break! Hamza grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Hamza once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Joep Lange launches but overcooks it! Hot head showing up again!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this solid build, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jan Peters throws it away! A pass worse than a miner tossing the deep mine!
Hamza shakes their head! A politician who can't believe that just happened!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite unreal swagger effort.
Davit Hovhannisyan mutters while walking out. Hornswoggle watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
Hamza checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jan Peters misses! Even a miner can't fix that shot!
Hamza shoots into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
Hamza can't contain the drive! Shaping the public policy is more containable!
Hornswoggle, this scrappy guard, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
The locker room. Jan Peters sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little secret: Jan Peters watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This total unknown Davit Hovhannisyan rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Hamza takes the rest play! Even a politician needs a breather!
Hornswoggle gets picked! A professional wrestler getting the canvas ring stolen in broad daylight!
Davit Hovhannisyan, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
This player making noise Joep Lange tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hornswoggle clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jan Peters fidgets with his wristband nervously. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joep Lange.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Joep Lange. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Hornswoggle. Profession? Professional wrestler. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with steel chair, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into canvas ring could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joep Lange.
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